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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how old your pfb was when you first left them for around 8 hours?

124 replies

MamaSmurf99 · 12/03/2014 22:42

My pfb was around 18 months old before I left her for this amount of time. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, it's just the way it worked out with breastfeeding, not having any family around etc. ExHs baby with new gf was born on Thursday night. I took dd over on Saturday for her to meet the baby and his gf had gone to her mum's, leaving the baby with him for at least the 8 hours dd was there. I know its none of my business, their choice and so on but wondered if it was odd that I wasn't away from my pfb for so long and if many people leave babies while so young?

OP posts:
HighwayRat · 13/03/2014 10:25

at 2 weeks she went to her fathers for 2 whole nights, so around 36 hours.

MinionDave · 13/03/2014 10:34

11 months, and I had to leave him because I was going in for a c-section to have DC2

Lottiedoubtie · 13/03/2014 10:43

To my mind, it is a feminist issue, as it is used as a way of controlling women by telling them how they should be feeling and behaving and that their hormones drive their brains.
Which is an age-old explanation often given as to why women aren't suited to certain jobs, because of their natural female instincts getting in the way.

This! This! A thousand times this.

There are no all powerful 'magic' hormones that mean if a woman leaves a child with its FATHER they are neglecting their duty as a parent. All this about the father feeling anxious and flapping a bit- totally normal behaviour in a woman 3 days after giving birth, so not in itself a cause for concern in a father.

If equality is to succeed this is one of the issues at the heart of it. Of course women should be able to choose to be with their newborns 24/7 if that is what they desire, as should men be able to make the same free choice. But if it isn't whats right for the woman and there is a safe alternative (eg, the child's father!) that is perfectly ok.

VeggySausage · 13/03/2014 10:45

you then expected to dump your daughter on her less than 48 hours after she'd given birth while you swanned off for a nice quiet day in your own.

Um no the OP left her child with it's father Confused

CeliaLytton · 13/03/2014 10:48

Yanbu to ask. YABU to judge.

I left DS alone with DH from a few days old for up to 8 hours. I would go to bed at 7pm, DH would do all feeds til 1am and then I would do after that. DS was out of my arms, sight and mind for a blissful 8 hrs. I had total faith that my DH could look after DS as well as I could (which was not particularly well, being a new mum and shattered, but still)

By the tone of your OP I thought you meant both parents had dumped newborn with a stranger to go out on the lash, not that a mother had left her baby safely with its father to get to know its sister. God forbid she should rest for a few hours rather than entertaining your child Wink

VeggySausage · 13/03/2014 10:49

Oh and to answer your question I left dd with dh at around the 6 week mark for about that amount of time (maybe a bit less tbh) as we were moving country and I wanted to go visit a friend while I had the chance and didn't think traveling with the baby was a good idea on train etc. After that I'd say she was probably about 2..

I don't think there is a right or wrong time for a mother to leave the baby with her father but I do think it's very unusual when the first week baby hormones are kicking in to want to leave your baby for that length of time with anyone and I think it is even less usual to spend the last couple months of you pregnancy crying. SO I hope she is OK because it doesn't sound OK

Handsoff7 · 13/03/2014 10:58

For my wife it was 10 minutes old.

PFB went to intensive care and she couldn't go and see her until after she was off the IVs. It was horrible for her.

Goblinchild · 13/03/2014 10:59

'I think it is even less usual to spend the last couple months of you pregnancy crying. SO I hope she is OK because it doesn't sound OK'

Yes, I agree. Why was she so sad and unhappy, OP? Was she in pain? Was your ex being a problem rather than a support.

BlackeyedSusan · 13/03/2014 11:10

About 23 months, but only because I could not take her onto labourward!

laregina · 13/03/2014 11:16

I went back to college to study for a degree when my pfb was about 14 months old. We were sat in a circle, taking turns to introduce ourselves, and when it was my turn I told everybody this was my first day away from my baby and burst into tears Blush

I've had two more DC since and have toughened up a bit Smile

Oldraver · 13/03/2014 11:22

DS1...about 4 when he went to stay with the GP's

DS2...when he was in SCBU...does that count ?

ebwy · 13/03/2014 11:52

my eldest was 7 months old when he was dumped on his de facto grandparents in the middle of the night and I was rushed in to hospital by ambulance. He was there for 5 days.

but what your ex and his gf do is up to them.

elliejjtiny · 13/03/2014 12:02

DS1 was 21 months (when I had DS2)

DS4 was 30 mins old (when he went to NICU)

CeliaLytton · 13/03/2014 12:09

Surely the thread title should be how old was your pfb when your partner/their father took charge for a few hours?

Be that while you were sleeping, out for a walk, at a drs appt etc. it could have been daytime or the middle of the night, but how old was pfb when their father did a few hours of nappy changes, cuddles etc? Apart from bf, my DH did loads of the other stuff with dc2 so I could enjoy time with dc1 as well, and rest.

Your question is loaded and goady.

affinia · 13/03/2014 12:10

My SIL left her new baby with her mum at 4 days old. She was anaemic and exhausted and had a night's sleep. Not particularly normal but didn't do any harm. She then left the baby with them overnight regularly, once a week maybe (not BF obviously). The baby is now a lovely 10 year old and close to parents and grandparents.

More than one way to skin a cat.

cory · 13/03/2014 12:17

ds was only a few weeks old when his granddad had a heart attack and we realised that it would mean a lot to both him and dh if he could see his grandson before he died (as we thought)

I wasn't well enough to travel so dh grabbed a few bottles of ready-made formula and set off with the baby on a train and walking-across-the-fields journey

they came back the next day and we resumed breastfeeding without any hitches

and granddad recovered and lived for another two years Smile

for less emergency reasons:

when dd (my first born) was 4 months old, dh and I started sharing childcare, so he took one day a week unpaid leave and I went back to work- felt fine and she still has a very close bond with her dad

when dd was 6 months old I left her to go to a 4 day conference abroad- I was a bit sad, but knew that she was fine with her dad; she was breastfed but I had the freezer full of expressed milk and kept pumping to keep my supply going

tbh I never understood why my leaving dc with dh was any different from him leaving them with me

it was just as hard for him to have to go to work and leave them, but nobody ever asked him how he felt about it

Motet · 13/03/2014 12:20

9 weeks for 5 hours for a half-day at work;10 weeks for 24 hours for a job interview. I took a breastpump but when I'm away the baby takes formula.

When the baby is 10 months I will be working away tues 5am to thurs 10pm... to secure our future, not because I am a monster.

OP - it's natural to worry about your daughter and her position when a new baby rolls up. It's also natural that the sm feels threatened by her dsd's mother being in her face (from her point of view) when she has just given birth. My darling sd's mother suddenly proposed a few drop-offs and pick-ups which she wouldn't usually do when I was nearing my due date and in the weeks thereafter (she likes babies and was probably curious as well as trying to help). I had much lower tolerance for it than I would normally & felt my territory invaded. I kept remembering how when I was little one of our dogs 'ate' the pups of our other dog.

Dsd has also been a little unsettled about her place in the pecking order and has needed constant reassurance over the past several minutes months that she is the precious oldest. We're dealing with quite primal instincts here, and your daughter's sm is probably trying to cope with a complicated set-up as best she can while being fair to your child and keeping the usual schedule going.

themaltesefalcon · 13/03/2014 13:27

The child is with his or her own father?

Non-issue.

Jengnr · 13/03/2014 19:44

Seven weeks. I went on the piss.

Hoik away! :)

Jengnr · 13/03/2014 19:47

Actually I always thought it was an important thing to do. I consciously made sure I left him with his Dad sometimes and fought my natural control freakery to ensure if it was my turn for a lie in I only got up to help if I was asked.

I wanted to ensure everybody was clear that Daddy was just as capable as Mummy so that I didn't end up being the one doing everything. I didn't want that role all the time, I wanted to make sure my husband didn't feel pushed out and I wanted to make sure I didn't lose myself.

tomverlaine · 14/03/2014 14:36

7 months - work- but before that I hadn't left him for more than 1/2 hr (apart from several hours in surgery post birth). It was me rather than any opinion on DP
I do wish I'd left him earlier ( for shorter periods)

I do know someone who went on a business trip for 7 days when her PFB was about 6 weeks old - and it was very difficult not to judge simply becasue there was no way i could have done it

ShadowOfTheDay · 14/03/2014 14:48

11 years old - when she went to PGL with school, we are homebody types... they have sleepovers now... but I'm guessing we are way past the "tutting at" age ...

I do have hobbies, and go out with friends - haven't needed to be out for more than 8 hours with those yet... hey ho....

cloggal · 14/03/2014 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTheHugeManatee · 14/03/2014 15:35

I think at least some of the 'searing agony' mothers supposedly feel when MIL heaves into view is culturally determined. In many cultures (eg Sudan) a PFB is often raised by its grandparents - usually the mother's ILs - and this is completely normal and a way of passing on childcare knowledge.

A lot of the 'sciency' stuff about hormones and attachment and so on is vastly more complicated than the pop science directives about motherhood would have you believe. But let's not let that get in the way of reactionary biological determinism Hmm

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