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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how old your pfb was when you first left them for around 8 hours?

124 replies

MamaSmurf99 · 12/03/2014 22:42

My pfb was around 18 months old before I left her for this amount of time. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, it's just the way it worked out with breastfeeding, not having any family around etc. ExHs baby with new gf was born on Thursday night. I took dd over on Saturday for her to meet the baby and his gf had gone to her mum's, leaving the baby with him for at least the 8 hours dd was there. I know its none of my business, their choice and so on but wondered if it was odd that I wasn't away from my pfb for so long and if many people leave babies while so young?

OP posts:

Caitlyn2014 · 12/03/2014 23:04

Mama, does it really matter what people tell you?

You are bosom hoiking and that's it.

dietcokeandwine · 12/03/2014 23:05

5 weeks. Was admitted to hospital to have an abscess drained, involved excision under GA and a two-night stay. Was in too much distress to really think about 'I'm leaving my PFB' issues, tbh; I was pretty much hallucinating with the pain.

DS was bf, although obviously he had to have a few bottles (and I expressed to keep up supply) whilst I was in. The nurses let DH bring him onto the ward to bf as often as possible though.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/03/2014 23:06

The baby is with her father!!! I thought you meant with someone other than her parents from the title.
Assuming she's not bf, straight away is fine. I say again, he's her father!! Exactly the same rights/desired/control/everything as the mother!

ilikebaking · 12/03/2014 23:16

You are being mean, judgey and hoikey!
Well done for not leaving yours for god knows how long.
The child is wit h her father, not on the streets, or left alone. Dads can parent too, you know?
If this woman needs support, she has her Mum. If you cared one bit for her well being, you would see that.
You are hiding your judgement in concern.

Lonecatwithkitten · 12/03/2014 23:19

10 hours a day, minimum 5 days a week at 12 weeks of age. When your self employed providing an emergency type business being off work longer is financial suicide.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/03/2014 23:23

I recall your thread a few days ago about your dh not.being capable of looking after your dd....I wonder why?!?

Sparklysilversequins · 12/03/2014 23:28

9 weeks. I wish I hadn't, as it was out of choice. I'm not sure I had bonded though as I had PND but suddenly around 7 months the thought of leaving him was suddenly unbearable and I still find it hard now and he's 11!

Dd I didn't leave at all till she was four YO.

wigglesrock · 12/03/2014 23:34

I went back to work when dd1 was about 20 weeks old. I was away for about 5 hours 5 days a week. I left her with her Dad for 3 days when she was 6 months old.

WilsonFrickett · 12/03/2014 23:37

The baby has not been 'left'. The baby is with one of its parents. Hth.

SeaSickSal · 12/03/2014 23:44

I have to say I suspect her absence may have been more down to the fact that she objected to having to put up with a visit from her DPs busy body ex.

ilikebaking · 12/03/2014 23:45

So glad this thread took this turn.

ceeveebee · 12/03/2014 23:45

Seasicksal - my thoughts exactly

SeaSickSal · 12/03/2014 23:47

Incidentally were there problems with the birth? How was she recovering? Was she ready to have another child around the place? Did you offer to change the times she would be with her Dad if that helped or just doggedly stick to prearranged plans?

I don't think it was a coincidence she was absent when you visited....

Accidentallyquirky · 12/03/2014 23:59

My son was 8 weeks old when I went back to work full time - 12 hour shifts , I first left him at 10 days old, I had left dd overnight at my mothers around the 10 day mark as well.

Wouldn't change that for the world - it kept me sane as those overnights where my only guaranteed sleep.

Everyone's different? I would be more likely to do what new girlfriends done then stay with my child for a solid 18 month - but that's just my opinion

SeaSickSal · 13/03/2014 00:00

Actually come to think of it OP. This woman gave birth on Thursday night, presumably came home at some point on Friday and had a few hours sleep and you then expected to dump your daughter on her less than 48 hours after she'd given birth while you swanned off for a nice quiet day in your own.

I'm not surprised she told your ex he'd have to deal with it.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 13/03/2014 00:07

21 months. The only time I've been away from DD1 overnight was when DS1 was born.

Bogeyface · 13/03/2014 00:13

you then expected to dump your daughter on her less than 48 hours after she'd given birth while you swanned off for a nice quiet day in your own.

You dont know that, thats very unfair to the OP. Perhaps the ex said "No its fine, its my day with her" and then told the GF as a fait accompli, at which point she said "fine, you have them all day" and went to her mums.

Lottiedoubtie · 13/03/2014 00:17

At what age is it acceptable for a father to leave a child for 8 hours? 2 weeks? Straight away?

Double standards at work again.

If you have a pretty good idea she had antenatal depression, it's reasonable to assume she might still be unwell 2/3 days postpartum. Getting rest with her mum instead of entertaining her SC sounds eminently sensible.

The baby was with his/her FATHER. not left 'alone' or with a stranger.

What is the point of this thread except for you to determine whether or not it's ok to judge the mother?

foreverondiet · 13/03/2014 00:24

Would leave a newborn with my dh. But probably didn't leave for 8 hours due to breast feeding. Left with my mum and mil at around 8 weeks for 10 hours to do keep in touch days at work and overnight with dh for work business trip overnight. Don't be judgemental it's fine to leave a baby with it's father!

SeaSickSal · 13/03/2014 00:24

The OP knew she had ante natal depression, it was less than 48 hours after the birth and it doesn't even seem to have occurred to her that she might not want DPs ex visiting or be up to having another child in the house. It certainly doesn't seem she was very sensitive to this lady.

I think most people would just assume that the visit would not be happening at all, or at least be very short. The OP doesn't mention anything about offering to change arrangements. I think it's very rude to get judgy when you may very well be the root of the problem.

Bogeyface · 13/03/2014 01:11

I agree Sal, thats why I suggested above that an hour or so at a time would be better than full day visits.

But to suggest that she was desperate to "dump" (your word) her DD so she could have a day off, regardless of what was happening in her ex;s house is unfair. You dont know why the DD was there for the day, as I say it could be that the ex was the one who insisted that contact remain the same. Thats why I asked how he was when the OP had her DD, whether he was selfish or abusive etc as it could be that this is just a man who doesnt think about how his OH could be feeling.

My point is, you dont know who is to blame here.

fideline · 13/03/2014 01:37

31 months

SummerRain · 13/03/2014 01:40

I had to do 6 hour shifts for a week at work when she was 8.5 months, was gone for about 8 hours a day and hated it. She was still bfing so it hurt too, pretty sure it contributed to me getting pregnant the next month despite my periods not having come back... I must have ovulated as a result of the long stretches with no feeding.

Next time I left her for any length was to give birth to Ds1!

DailyBread · 13/03/2014 01:47

20 months. We had a wedding to attend - no chidren!

However, the thread doesn't really seem to be about that.

It is unusual but there could many reasons why she did it. Did your DD have to stay so long? Perhaps she (the new mother) was staying away to avoid you. She's obviously formula feeding and presumably trusts your ex as he's done it before. Maybe she's struggling and just wanted someone to look after her for a bit.

Did you ask your ex where she was? Was he worried?

ClaudiusMinimus · 13/03/2014 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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