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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how old your pfb was when you first left them for around 8 hours?

124 replies

MamaSmurf99 · 12/03/2014 22:42

My pfb was around 18 months old before I left her for this amount of time. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, it's just the way it worked out with breastfeeding, not having any family around etc. ExHs baby with new gf was born on Thursday night. I took dd over on Saturday for her to meet the baby and his gf had gone to her mum's, leaving the baby with him for at least the 8 hours dd was there. I know its none of my business, their choice and so on but wondered if it was odd that I wasn't away from my pfb for so long and if many people leave babies while so young?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 13/03/2014 02:47

Claudius and you didnt get a lynch mob up?! Why on earth not? Takes a village and all that!

How is that family now?

whatsgoinon · 13/03/2014 02:52

It sounds like the op was dropping off for normal visit - no one had indicated she shouldn't - why make it her fault by using words like dumping? It would be up to the xH to communicate with his dp and then if she was finding it hard to OP, the Op can't guess and should't change contact on a hunch

And she is allowed to be slightly judgy if the is an odd situation developing where her dd is spending time

And being judgy I think unless circumstances dictate otherwise is a bit odd

Sneezy86 · 13/03/2014 03:17

To all the people saying the baby with its dad so it's ok- do you genuinely believe a dad is the is the same as a mum? I get equal rights with regards to split families etc but mums and dads are very different and programed to nurture in a different way. I imagine the dad was flustered being left alone and probably a little scared. My baby is 7 weeks and although my husband is amazing with her he would have a panic attack if I said I was going out for 8 hours. I am trying to allow him to do things alone with her to bond but he is always asking questions about how to do stuff and if she does something like wees when he's changing her he panics and calls me to rescue him! Don't get me wrong- my husband can't do enough for/ with our baby but he needs to be taught how to care for a baby as it's not 'built in' like it is in me/women.

CharityCase · 13/03/2014 04:40

it's not 'built in' like it is in me/women.

It's not built in for women either. We just have to get on with it because society still assumes that women will be the primary carer. Taking bf out of the equation, there's no reason a man cant care for a baby just as well as a woman.

Sneezy86 · 13/03/2014 05:04

Society assumes it because nature intended it. Evolution has hard wired mothers to take care of babies for millions of years. Our hormones enable us to react to/take care of a baby in a way a man can't.

LittleMissDisorganized · 13/03/2014 05:26

6 months - again, with her father - I'd be concerned, not judgy, which I think is the OP's attitude, though in AIBU it's maybe not coming across that way.

SuiGeneris · 13/03/2014 06:09

Overnight: 2 yrs 3 months, when I went to hospital to have DS2. But DS1 was breastfed until 23 months. 8 hours during the day: probably around 14 months when I upped my hours and started going to the office (had worked from home before then).

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 13/03/2014 06:19

I think it's 'built in' to stay with and protect your new baby - that's a fairly obvious survival instinct, not just social conditioning. I would say it was instinctual and natural for my dh as well. He found it hard to go back to work at two weeks and be away from us but obviously had no choice.

I would have found it impossible to be away from pfb at that point - I left him with dh for the first time at four months for twenty minutes while I had a smear test. Then for 6.5he days at six months whilst I had a temporary return to work. Then full days at 8.5 months for work. I didn't leave him for social reasons til he was a year old. I was constrained by breastfeeding but in the early days there was an enormously powerful and protective urge to keep him physically with me. It's all very well pointing out how logically it's fine, baby will be well looked after, no harm will come, mother can have a rest - but I know I wasn't operating logically three days after the birth; I was a mess of hormones and instinct and exhausted confusion. Any attempt to reason rationally with me would not have gone down well!

I would be surprised that a new mother wanted to be away for so long so early - surprised is not the same as judgemental! I'd worry that it indicated a problem - in this case maybe with the stepdaughter's visit or with the mother's state of mind as there are some suggestions that she isn't coping. I don't blame the OP for wondering and then for gauging opinions on how many of us would/did do the same to see if any worries are grounded or not.

LadyFlumpalot · 13/03/2014 06:29

PFB went for an overnight stay at my mums at 9 weeks old. PSB was left for the day with my mum at 7 weeks so I could attend a job interview.

georgesdino · 13/03/2014 06:37

My mum and dad had her at a few days old as they were all excited gps. I had a good night sleep it was great. Both mine have stayed at my parents regularly since birth and I bfed for a year. It depends how close your family are imo.

georgesdino · 13/03/2014 06:39

You would judge me even further as with my third Im only having 2 weeks off and the baby will be with dh full time. (ooh shocking)

hairymonkey · 13/03/2014 06:39

It really really is none of your business. What people need to consider is that bonding with a child does not always happen immediately post birth and in soma cases takes time.
If a mother is knackered and feels like she needs 8 hrs rest somewhere else that is entirely reasonable and sensible especially if you think she's depressed (though I think diagnosing AND/PND through comments from your child and leaving the baby for 8 hours is not particularly scientific).
A father is more than capable of looking after a newborn and should be able to cope just as well as a mother, especially in this relatively short amount if time and would surely give him some insight into what it is to care for a young baby.
These threads always smack of 'I'm a better mother than you as I never leave my childitus, a lot of women who leave young babies for rest and relaxation purposes usually love and bond witb their child as much as mothers who don't but could be considered to have a greater self awareness of their own and ultimately their child's needs.

BeckAndCall · 13/03/2014 06:40

Six months.

Then again the day after. And the day after that. Oh, and the day after that. It's called work.

georgesdino · 13/03/2014 06:42

Really sneezy86? Dh never gets stressed with babies even with our first at 23. I left dd1 with him every week whilst I was at university from 10 days old. He is a 100% equal parent and its only a baby for goodness sake

Ive seen mums getting stressed and being ridiculous and scared to take the babies out places at a few days old etc. Dh never had any of that.

SeaSickSal · 13/03/2014 07:09

Knowing someone have birth less than 48 hours ago is not 'a hunch', I'm absolutely gobsmacked someone would just expect to blindly push on with contact. In those circumstances it is dumping. You shouldn't even need to be asked on such occasions.

If the gf was so cross she went to her Mum's then the ex must have had pretty good reason to think the OP would not take kindly to canceled contact.

If the OP is that bothered she's having a good old judgy hoik on Mumsnet and has found it necessary to find out exactly what their childcare arrangements were for the day I suspect gf probably knew full well OP was coming for a nose and a judge.

PowderMum · 13/03/2014 07:13

My DH looked after our PFB overnight when she was 3 days old so I could sleep for the first time since I started labour. I was also quite unwell by day 4 with infected stitches and only keen on helpful visitors (my mum/sister) and would not have coped with another child.

DD was FF and we shared the care, DH had the same strong nurturing ability as me to look her and I never doubted that he was as capable as me. He had to go back to work after a week, I went back after 8 weeks and we had a nanny. This was 17 years ago and I was only able to take 3 months maternity leave.

WidowWadman · 13/03/2014 07:16

First one was 9 months old when I returned to work full time (including commute that's roughly 10 hours), second one was left for that amount of time for a KIT day when she was 6 months old. Both were breastfed by the way and complete bottle refuseniks, but it wasn't a problem at all.

googietheegg · 13/03/2014 07:17

I still haven't and she's 2 soon. Just the way it worked out, which I'm happy about. I work from home and have no family nearby.

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 13/03/2014 07:18

err, yes it is. And yes there are.

JupiterGentlefly · 13/03/2014 07:21

16 weeks. 5 Days per week for the next two years
also doing that thing called work. However if anyone would have had him for 8 hours at 3 days old I would have taken them up. I was hysterical with exhaustation and baby shock. So stop hoiking. Bosom hoikers!

georgesdino · 13/03/2014 07:23

Like what federation? Dont say breastfeeding as a ridiculously low percentage of mums even do it, and even then dad can still do a lot and be left with the baby as long as not a bottle refuser.

AnneElliott · 13/03/2014 07:26

7 days old as we went to a wedding. My mother had him for the day.

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 13/03/2014 07:31

I thin it is a bit obtuse to say that 'there's no reason etc' : a man can of course take care of a baby, any decent human with access to milk can take care of a baby. But a newborn, in the early days, needs it's mum. That it surely obvious? It is to do with bonding, connecting, as well as breastfeeding of course.

ahem, this from UNICEF regarding 2010: • The proportion of babies breastfed at birth in the UK rose by 5%, from 76% to 81%.

Dad's can do a lot, mine did. My DH and my DF for me! But, c'mon. A new baby should be with it's mother. Hence the searing agony felt by some when MIL comes bustling over and takes the baby off to show friends etc etc

It's not a feminist issue. Or don't muddy it if it is. Men should be an active SUPPORT, as should society but don't strip motherhood of it's singular importance.

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 13/03/2014 07:32

SeaSickSal you have made a lot of incorrect, and frankly quite offensive, assumptions. It was actually supposed to be dds weekend with me. ExH asked if he could have her so she could meet the bsby and I obliged. The gf and exH spoke to dd on the Friday and discussed it with her do gf knew about it and was seemingly happy witg it. He suggested the amount of time, I dropped dd at the door and left to entertain my other children in his town because it didn't warrant travelling home in between I can't see how any of that is to suit me.

OP posts:

georgesdino · 13/03/2014 07:33

Thats at birth a couple of weeks in only a small few are still going.

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