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AIBU?

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found pictures of me on hubby's PC - don't know what to do.

428 replies

mummyinbonniescotland · 12/03/2014 19:55

Tonight I went onto hubby's pc. He works from home as a photographer. He had lots of pictures up. I closed down some of his folders, but as I was closing one down, I saw it was pictures of my privates (I was a bit absent minded so didn't pay much attention to what it was until I'd hit the x button)

So there were pictures of vaginas. I was a bit wtf? Then I caught sight of one of me, smiling, lower half naked, legs akimbo, on my couch, wearing clothes I recognise.

I don't remember ever posing like that or for pictures of my vagina.

Actually I have once, but that was a close up of a boil on my vagina that I wanted to take to my doctor's appointment (it was a recurring boil that was always gone by the time of the appt so dr had asked me to take a pic next time).

It was taken by DH on my phone and he handed it immediately back to me and I deleted it off my phone after the appointment which was that day.

So i have no idea where all these pictures come from. I'm quite a private person, and I'd never pose for pictures unless like I said above to take a picture to my doctor.

I'm confused and digusted right now. My DD could have come across this, or my hubby's colleague who often comes to the house, or my very prudish parents.

I did confront DH who says he has no idea where the pictures came from, he doesn't remember me posing either apart from that dr appt one. He did a search and couldn't find the folder I closed. I wish I hadn't closed it but I wasn't paying much attention til the last second.

He did keep asking me to go and fetch his phone, cos he was running late for an appt with a client but now its going through my head, did he want me gone so he could hide the evidence?

I have come across porn videos before and porn sites in his internet history which he keeps saying is a virus/pop ups etc. I have never really believed him but I kind of let it go I admit.

This is different though. These are pictures of me that he appears to have taken. To perhaps look at in his own time? But I don't remember posing for them and I never would either. Even if I had, I would have expected him to delete them immediately, not leave them on the PC for someone to come across such as DD.

I just feel dirty and disrespected. I don't know what to do. I've been with him for 16 years now, married for 9, he's my best friend and I know he's never been with anyone else - I do know where he is all the time (he works from home, my parents live in the same street, we have mutual friends).

I don't know what to do, please help!

NC for this

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/03/2014 08:20

Also, why isn't he concerned that some stranger has managed to get hold of pictures of you, photoshop them, get access to his computer to load the photos and then, within moments of you seeing them, break back into the house (or hack into the computer) to delete the images and the folder that they were in, neatly empting the recycling bin as they make their quick escape?

If he was innocent he would be up in arms over this and taking the computer to the police himself to track down this sexual predator.

ThatBloodyWoman · 13/03/2014 08:28

I would tell him that you are going to pay one of those computer people to come in and find it.

In the meantime I would quite probably ask him to stay elsewhere.

Lazyjaney · 13/03/2014 08:39

"You are massively minimising too and victim blaming - nice"

Only on MN would you get attacked for arguing against DV on men

Anything else you think it's ok to hit men for then, YouTheCat?

comicsansisevil · 13/03/2014 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiperRose · 13/03/2014 09:42

To be honest it sounds to me like you both have issues here.

He has digitally altered pictures of you and has deviously deleted them and is now lying to you about their existence. (I don 't think you can complain about the porn because you know and accept it)

You appear to think violence towards your partner is ok and I'm pretty sure that it's an attitude that runs on your family as you've twice casually inferred that they would perpetrate some level of violence in your dp if they found out .

What is pretty scary to me is that somewhere in this entirely dysfunctional relationship is a dd.

ViviPru · 13/03/2014 09:46

Photoshop or no, (and I've explained above that I understand how image manipulation software works Hmm ) I still find this unfathomable....

"Then I caught sight of one of me, smiling, lower half naked, legs akimbo, on my couch, wearing clothes I recognise.*

I don't remember ever posing like that

PiperRose · 13/03/2014 09:46

Ooh and I have a question. You begin this thread by saying "tonight I went on to hubby's pc". Is this a usual thing, do you normally ask before hand, did he know you would be going on it?

Ghostsdonttalk · 13/03/2014 10:05

Do you think he could have ever given you a drug for this to happen? Do you ever wake up wondering where the time has gone? How u got to bed?

IceBeing · 13/03/2014 10:14

I think this is just mistaken identity. I saw a picture I would swear was myself and DH walking somewhere we had never been. But really we simply aren't the only couple that look like that and wear those sorts of clothes and have that sort of suitcase etc.

It might look like your couch...and it wouldn't be that weird if your DH looked a porn by people who broadly resemble you...then there just has to be a similar item of clothing and it all conspires to make you think it is you when it probably simply wasn't.

but your dh is still lying about deleting them at a bare minimum....

Logg1e · 13/03/2014 10:22

Your aggression and assault on your husband is not ok. I'm guessing your daughter was in the house when you did this.

Your husband is lying, he knows about photo and where it has come from. I would pretend to take him at his word, ask the police for advice on the legal aspects of someone having images of you without your consent and give the PC to a professional to recover any files. I would do this today without warning my husband.

JamNan · 13/03/2014 10:35

Sorry I don't want to scare you, but is it possible your husband is sharing pictures of you with other people on the internet or in RL?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 13/03/2014 10:46

If it were me, would stop fannying about and be on the phone to get a professional computer bod to come and recover those files right now.

I would also be asking them if they can find out whether those pics have been shared.

shinyrobot · 13/03/2014 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Plateofcrumbs · 13/03/2014 10:48

Like IceBeing said - are you absolutely sure it was a picture of you? You said you just saw a thumbnail sized image, briefly, as you were closing down open folders.

The issue of creating pictures of you without your knowledge is IMO the only part of this story which is really troubling. 'DH looks at prn without my knowledge' might not be something you're happy about, and something you might still want to discuss, but isn't exactly unusual.

MinesAPintOfTea · 13/03/2014 10:50

If you're in the endgame of a marriage then hitting your DH was beyond stupid. Not only is it assault, it could cost you residency of your DD.

You could try to search his computer again, but its unlikely to achieve anything. You can just leave because of an irrecoverable breakdown in the relationship. If you didn't find a photo of you then would that restore trust, or have you got to the stage where nothing will help?

PorkPieandPickle · 13/03/2014 10:57

It may not be deleted, it could be a secret or 'hidden' file which would explain why the OP can't find it-
The link should explain how to search for hidden files...

answers.microsoft.com/en-us/windows/forum/windows_7-files/search-for-hidden-files-and-folders-in-windows-7/f47f5bf2-2678-4dae-bbb3-62e202b54b18

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/03/2014 11:06

OP - ask HQ to move this to relationships section. AIBU is not the place for this.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/03/2014 11:06

Restore the deleted folder - there has been plenty of advice on this thread.

Slapping him was wrong and you need to find a way of dealing with your anger and frustration in the future.

AgentZigzag · 13/03/2014 11:40

Maybe a bit late to move it after 169 posts isn't it Sabrina?

The OP said she's namechanged so she must have deliberately posted in AIBU know about the different parts of MN.

IslandMoose · 13/03/2014 11:47

In answer to your original question, what do you want to do next?

Manipulating a photograph of somebody without their consent is not illegal (assuming you don't publish it). You do, however, find it unacceptable. Nevertheless it has happened, and no amount of further conversations with (or assaults upon) your husband or forensic combing of his laptop's hard-drive are going to change that fact.

If it's an irreversible break-down in your relationship then end the relationship. I suspect that all three of you may be better off in the long run.

AngelaDaviesHair · 13/03/2014 11:54

You do need to apologise to him for hitting him I think, notwithstanding what he appears to have done to you. It is important for both of you that you reaffirm that boundary of no violence in the relationship. Things may get worse before they get better, and that boundary protects both of you.

I think I would also just take the computer to someone to recover deleted files and show hidden files.

Don't let him deny having the photo or pretend to not to understand what you mean. You know what you saw, it's not up for debate or persuasion whether or not you saw it.

YouTheCat · 13/03/2014 12:05

Lazey, I never said it was okay to hit. Are you hard of understanding?

Plateofcrumbs · 13/03/2014 12:19

You know what you saw, it's not up for debate or persuasion whether or not you saw it.

I'm not 100% sure based on what the OP has said. It's very confusing - on the one hand she saw thumbnail images briefly when closing a folder, but at the same time that was long enough to take in the name of the folder, and various details of these small images down to nail varnish colour. But also not enough detail for her to twig that it might have been photoshopped. The whole thing is hard to judge.

AngelaDaviesHair · 13/03/2014 12:24

I see what you're saying, Plateofcrumbs But I'm not so much endorsing everything the OP has said as saying what I think would be a good position to take in talking to her husband.

MysweetAudrina · 13/03/2014 12:30

If my dh was taking pictures of my fanny or photoshopping me without my knowledge I would thump him too. It may not be nice and it may not be right but I would feel very justified in doing so if he stood there and lied and denied.