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AIBU?

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found pictures of me on hubby's PC - don't know what to do.

428 replies

mummyinbonniescotland · 12/03/2014 19:55

Tonight I went onto hubby's pc. He works from home as a photographer. He had lots of pictures up. I closed down some of his folders, but as I was closing one down, I saw it was pictures of my privates (I was a bit absent minded so didn't pay much attention to what it was until I'd hit the x button)

So there were pictures of vaginas. I was a bit wtf? Then I caught sight of one of me, smiling, lower half naked, legs akimbo, on my couch, wearing clothes I recognise.

I don't remember ever posing like that or for pictures of my vagina.

Actually I have once, but that was a close up of a boil on my vagina that I wanted to take to my doctor's appointment (it was a recurring boil that was always gone by the time of the appt so dr had asked me to take a pic next time).

It was taken by DH on my phone and he handed it immediately back to me and I deleted it off my phone after the appointment which was that day.

So i have no idea where all these pictures come from. I'm quite a private person, and I'd never pose for pictures unless like I said above to take a picture to my doctor.

I'm confused and digusted right now. My DD could have come across this, or my hubby's colleague who often comes to the house, or my very prudish parents.

I did confront DH who says he has no idea where the pictures came from, he doesn't remember me posing either apart from that dr appt one. He did a search and couldn't find the folder I closed. I wish I hadn't closed it but I wasn't paying much attention til the last second.

He did keep asking me to go and fetch his phone, cos he was running late for an appt with a client but now its going through my head, did he want me gone so he could hide the evidence?

I have come across porn videos before and porn sites in his internet history which he keeps saying is a virus/pop ups etc. I have never really believed him but I kind of let it go I admit.

This is different though. These are pictures of me that he appears to have taken. To perhaps look at in his own time? But I don't remember posing for them and I never would either. Even if I had, I would have expected him to delete them immediately, not leave them on the PC for someone to come across such as DD.

I just feel dirty and disrespected. I don't know what to do. I've been with him for 16 years now, married for 9, he's my best friend and I know he's never been with anyone else - I do know where he is all the time (he works from home, my parents live in the same street, we have mutual friends).

I don't know what to do, please help!

NC for this

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 14/03/2014 10:58

So can we stop with the balls chopping already, and everybody get back to the point?

or I will send my collie on you lot! Wink

seeminglyso · 14/03/2014 11:00

Icebeing I don't think under these circumstances she would end up in court! What a gross exaggeration and total nonsense. I think you will find that aside from the individuals spouting sanctimonious clap trap about DV on here, the vast majority of the public would think she was within her rights to be infuriated and violated and a judge would throw the case out!

GarthsUncle · 14/03/2014 11:02

I think by in court ice meant divorce or custody hearings, not criminal court.

seeminglyso · 14/03/2014 11:05

Did she...well I know where CAFCASS would stand on that one too!

seeminglyso · 14/03/2014 11:10

OP I would seize the laptop and get all those files recovered as once the hard drive is destroyed you will have no evidence. I agree with the poster above you wont move on until you have seen the files. They are easily recovered and it will resolve this for you to some extent. Let us know how you get one. My heart goes out to you as I know I too would be mortified in your situation.

slithytove · 14/03/2014 11:16

I agree you need to see what is on that computer. and considering the way you are feeling I don't think your husband has any right to stop you taking it. Can dd stay with family for a few days?

anothermrssmith · 14/03/2014 11:33

Have been reading this agog for the last couple of days, time to put my two cents in.

OP,so far I think the action you have taken is commendable,regardless of whether your husband has photoshopped these pictures or got you posing for them without your knowledge (I really hope not) he's hiding something and you need to get to the bottom of it. Talking to the police is a good first step and I hope you see the councillor today.

You said he is a wedding photographer, has he been busy recently? I only ask as my hubby is also a wedding photographer and things were very quiet for him last year so he had to diversify a bit to earn some more cash. If he's been quiet perhaps he's thinking of diversifying into other area and has ended up doing pornographic work, this MAY account for the other photos you saw that arent you. On a similar note he may have altered some perfectly innocent images of you to 'practice' working on this type of image. I know you didn't see the photo of you in detail but from what you did see did it look like a photo you had posed for innocently? Either way how he has behaved is at best odd and at worst vile,I hope you get some answers, and those files recovered.

Straitjacket · 14/03/2014 11:55

OP, you really need to be getting on with trying to recover deleted files to see if he deleted them. Like a previous poster said, they get overwritten so the sooner you do this the better chance you have of finding them. Is there a reason why you haven't tried to recover them yet?

I agree the slap wasn't on. I can understand how it happened, but violence in any situation never helps anything. Best thing to do now is to find out exactly what was on that computer, and then depending on what you find, take it to the police and let them deal with him.

IceBeing · 14/03/2014 11:56

seem sorry - yes people meant if it came to custody disputes etc then it might not play well if she had a pattern of violence...certainly I didn't mean that a slap would have you in court by itself.

DennyDifferent · 14/03/2014 12:05

I don't understand what he has admitted to and what he has denied. Confused

WorraLiberty · 14/03/2014 12:06

Why is he crying and begging forgiveness if he's done nothing wrong? What is it that he is sorry for?

I'm glad someone asked this.

OP, when you get back, I wonder if you could answer it?

seeminglyso · 14/03/2014 12:26

IceBeing Yes on re reading I recognise that is what you were saying. She doesn't have a pattern of violence and I maintain most would view this as a reasonable response under the circumstances given her feelings at the time.

I like the idea the othermrssmith said and could account for his actions and is worth exploring but I think it would be clutching at straws and certainly don't offer this as an explanation as he may grab it and try to run with it.

As for people commenting that 'the slap wasn't on' take no notice, which I am sure you don't. Its just those with delusions of grandeur thinking you might actually give a shit about their moral superior high ground. Good Luck OP.

AnotherMonkey · 14/03/2014 12:30

OP I hope you're ok. It's a real shame this thread has been derailed to such an extent but as others have said, there is some extremely sound advice amongst all the bickering.

Things you know for sure:
a) those pictures were there
b) now they're not
c) your DH is still not giving a straight answer

I would be having a long chat with DH, to include recovery of the trash folder and involving the police together, if he continues to claim there is nothing for you to worry about. I would also send him off to look for his own stuff if he needs it during this time.

If this was my thread, it would be more a case of 'if' I was back than 'when' but there are still people here supporting you OP.

I really hope you can find some RL support too.

Straitjacket · 14/03/2014 12:43

It has got nothing to do with a moral high ground. I was slapped myself as a one off, as a child from my mother and as an adult in a relationship and it changed things for me. I could never relax around them again. I had a right to not be attacked and they violated that.

I have already said I can understand why the OP did it, just that it shouldn't of happened still. As adults, we should be able to control ourselves.

But then again, what her husband has done has already done damage to their relationship so it wouldn't be the slap that causes the damage. All I was saying is that violence doesn't solve anything though. And if she doesn't find anything, and he decides to play nasty in any custody battles, it won't be easy for the OP. It is always best to leave violence out of it.

formerbabe · 14/03/2014 12:51

How patronising straitjacket!

seeminglyso · 14/03/2014 12:54

Straitjacket Your experience of being a child being slapped by an adult is not comparable. You were the weaker of the two, hence the way you have internalised your experience. The latter is the reverse in this situation (I am assuming given majority of men are physically bigger than women) so bears no resemblance or comparison and is immaterial to the debate.

Straitjacket · 14/03/2014 13:01

How is it patronising?

And seeming, I was giving my experience to you because you was saying that others were on a moral high ground. I am not. I just have personal experience of violence in my past and that is why I now have a belief that it doesn't have a place in a relationship unless in self defence. But I have already said I understand why the OP did it. We all do stupid things in anger, although that doesn't excuse it. But I do think this husband of hers can and probably will use it against her. This is why I have advised her twice to quickly get that computers deleted files restored!

Straitjacket · 14/03/2014 13:03

Oh, and with the greatest of respect, don't assume anything. I wouldn't of added my whole story without some of it having some resemblance.

monkeynuts123 · 14/03/2014 13:13

Seeing how this most reasonable of all aibu of all time has been turned against the op it gives reassurance to those of us who have been pummeled to the floor on aibu to seek lesser comfort and advice.

formerbabe · 14/03/2014 13:15

The whole 'violence never solves anything' line is patronising. The op is a grown woman not a 5 year old.

Straitjacket · 14/03/2014 13:20

Sorry, I wasn't saying that to the OP. That was me talking to everyone else who keep coming out with "I would chop his balls off" and the likes.

Sorry OP, I really am not out to offend you. I really do think you need to get on that computer and try to get back that file. I am on your side. My point is just that he could turn nasty later on and use try and use it against you. I have known it to happen (and fail albeit, although it caused soooo much more stress and hurt for my friend. So try to stay calm for now and get hold of that computer!)

MeepMeepVrooom · 14/03/2014 13:39

Sorry but where is the proof of the slap in RL?

It hasn't been reported presumably, no one else was witness. I can't see this slap being used against OP at any point in the future successfully. She is the one that has had to seek legal advice from the police.

Should she have done it? No. Should she forever feel guilty about it? No. This isn't an abusive woman, it's a woman who's husband has quite possibly betrayed her in on of the worst possible ways and snapped. Fuck sake, I don't have a short temper but I honestly think it would take a saint not to lash out in this position.

Straitjacket · 14/03/2014 13:55

You don't know there is no proof. I took a picture of my face when my partner had slapped me. Just because I knew the mark would go a few hours later and then he would think all would be fine then and be forgotten.

Don't encourage the OP to just forget that this happened. No, she shouldn't feel guilty but we have no idea what her husband has done. She had no idea what he has been upto with these photos which proves how devious he can be. She needs to be careful.

Straitjacket · 14/03/2014 13:58

And by being careful I mean not giving him any more ammunition and getting on that computer and finding out exactly what he is capable of.

MeepMeepVrooom · 14/03/2014 14:10

Well he could take a photo but I certainly look like his extra culicular activities involve photographic manipulation so how seriously it would be taken is anyone's guess. I didn't say the OP should forget but I don't see the point in dwelling on it either