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AIBU?

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found pictures of me on hubby's PC - don't know what to do.

428 replies

mummyinbonniescotland · 12/03/2014 19:55

Tonight I went onto hubby's pc. He works from home as a photographer. He had lots of pictures up. I closed down some of his folders, but as I was closing one down, I saw it was pictures of my privates (I was a bit absent minded so didn't pay much attention to what it was until I'd hit the x button)

So there were pictures of vaginas. I was a bit wtf? Then I caught sight of one of me, smiling, lower half naked, legs akimbo, on my couch, wearing clothes I recognise.

I don't remember ever posing like that or for pictures of my vagina.

Actually I have once, but that was a close up of a boil on my vagina that I wanted to take to my doctor's appointment (it was a recurring boil that was always gone by the time of the appt so dr had asked me to take a pic next time).

It was taken by DH on my phone and he handed it immediately back to me and I deleted it off my phone after the appointment which was that day.

So i have no idea where all these pictures come from. I'm quite a private person, and I'd never pose for pictures unless like I said above to take a picture to my doctor.

I'm confused and digusted right now. My DD could have come across this, or my hubby's colleague who often comes to the house, or my very prudish parents.

I did confront DH who says he has no idea where the pictures came from, he doesn't remember me posing either apart from that dr appt one. He did a search and couldn't find the folder I closed. I wish I hadn't closed it but I wasn't paying much attention til the last second.

He did keep asking me to go and fetch his phone, cos he was running late for an appt with a client but now its going through my head, did he want me gone so he could hide the evidence?

I have come across porn videos before and porn sites in his internet history which he keeps saying is a virus/pop ups etc. I have never really believed him but I kind of let it go I admit.

This is different though. These are pictures of me that he appears to have taken. To perhaps look at in his own time? But I don't remember posing for them and I never would either. Even if I had, I would have expected him to delete them immediately, not leave them on the PC for someone to come across such as DD.

I just feel dirty and disrespected. I don't know what to do. I've been with him for 16 years now, married for 9, he's my best friend and I know he's never been with anyone else - I do know where he is all the time (he works from home, my parents live in the same street, we have mutual friends).

I don't know what to do, please help!

NC for this

OP posts:
MrCabDriver · 13/03/2014 21:13

You said he admitted that he had the photos but denies photo shopping or taking any of you .... who are they of then?

Pennies · 13/03/2014 21:14

FFS the slapping isn't the issue. OK it's not ideal but OP knows that. But she isn't the abuser here. He has violated her privacy and decency by doing this and she is being criticised for being angry.

This is typical mums net - and it pisses me off. This poor woman is in the process of discovering that her marriage is in serious trouble and seeks help but gets abuse and hassle and has her own issue ignored or negated just because she did something wrong.

He sounds like a total and utter shit. I'd have slapped him if I was her.

Fairenuff · 13/03/2014 21:17

OP there is plenty of support for you here. It will take some time for all this to sink in. You don't have to make any decisions straight away.

Usually posters would advise that you ask him to move out for a bit to give you some space and some time to think about what has happened and where you want to go from here.

You can't think straight when you have him hanging around, either wanting you to forgive him or just forget about it. You are not in a position to do either of those right now, you need some time.

Would he go somewhere for a few days do you think, if you asked him? If not it's going to be extra difficult for you to cope but you will be ok. If you want to talk to someone you could call womens aid or rape crisis. Both of those would be able to put you in touch with support lines.

And keep posting here if it helps. Just ignore unsupportive posts and focus on those that are useful to you x

AgentZigzag · 13/03/2014 21:31

Pennies, the slapping is an issue, it should be an issue, the 'poor woman' wouldn't be a 'poor man' if it was a bloke slapping his wife.

Slapping him is abuse and the OP should be told it is.

Would you prefer domestic violence situations not to be commented on, to be ignored because they don't have anything to do with the subject in hand?

Bollocks to that.

slithytove · 13/03/2014 21:32

So maybe the OP needs to start a new thread then if this is all that's going to be talked about

Pennies · 13/03/2014 21:39

Agent Zigzag - I think you are distorting the issue to suit your own agenda, and seeking to kick her when she's already down. Nice. Hmm

If I did this to my DH and he slapped me I would recognise it for what it was - a moment of extreme anger after being utterly humiliated by me. I wouldn't forever think of him as some kind of serial wife beater.

AgentZigzag · 13/03/2014 21:43

Someone picking up on a domestic violence issue is distorting things for their own agenda?

Yeah, I suppose I am in that I've been on both sides of it and don't like people trying to minimize it as 'just' a slap because the other person 'deserved' it.

How many times has that been over the years by men.

Has the OP said this was a one off?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/03/2014 21:44

Yeah - I may, in the heat of the moment, slap someone that took surreptitious photos of my vagina/photoshopped someone else's vagina into my photo. The violation I would feel would be unreal.

But then, I'm as weak as a kitten compared to my dh - he'd barely flinch.

If he hit me, I'd need medical attention. I'm not trying to minimise f-m domestic violence - I know it happens. This isn't it.

AgentZigzag · 13/03/2014 21:44

*has that been used over the years by men?

winterkills · 13/03/2014 21:46

What exactly are you trying to achieve here Agentzigzag? You are pushing a very wrong-headed agenda that does nothing for the campaign against DV. You are also hijacking the OP's thread where people are trying to support her. It's really poor behaviour.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/03/2014 21:47

OP is not domestically abusing her husband. She slapped him in a moment of rage after finding he's somehow got photos of her in pornographic poses on his pc. Photos she has not posed for.

Logg1e · 13/03/2014 21:50

I think ZigZag wants us all to agree that violence within a relationship, even a provoked one-off, is inexcusable.

If so, I don't think that she's being unreasonable.

Pennies · 13/03/2014 21:52

"Has the OP said this was a one off?" - she hasn't. Neither has she said that she slaps him on a regular basis.

Agent Zigzag - I'm sorry that you've been on both sides of DV. I am not minimising it. I am just saying that on the basis of the info the OP has given this is not an ongoing DV situation. She justifiably saw red, and lost control. Unfortunate and regrettable - yes. Abuser - no. It's important to differentiate.

OP - I hope the derailment of your thread hasn't put you off from seeking advice. I am so sorry he's done this to you. Sad

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/03/2014 21:54

OK - OP you shouldn't have slapped you husband, nor thrown his clothes at him. Nobody should ever hit anyone. Now can we get back to the point?

He had pornographic, highly explicit photos of her on his pc - how did they get there without her knowledge or consent?

OP - I hope you're ok.

AgentZigzag · 13/03/2014 21:55

It's not poor behaviour to pick up on domestic violence when I see it winterkills.

I'm not hijacking the thread by talking about something the OP has written and admitted to, and I'm not doing the DV 'cause' damage by discussing what I think is wrong.

Pennies · 13/03/2014 21:57

In this case it is poor behaviour and yes you are causing damage to the issue of DV.

Blarblarblar · 13/03/2014 22:01

Please please AgentZigzag go start your own thread questioning societies acceptance of domestic violence towards men and let this poor woman get some help and support.

winterkills · 13/03/2014 22:02

When you see it agentzigzag - others don't see it and you don't own the debate on DV no matter what your experience.

To equate the OP's reaction with violence used to damage and dominate and torment is very wrong. If you want to debate what constitutes DV why not start your own thread and leave this OP out of it, she's got enough to contend with.

hoobypickypicky · 13/03/2014 22:02

"Or am I the only one here who thinks hitting, throwing things and screaming at someone is far more serious than a girlie pic of a wife on a PC"

No, lazyjaney, you're not.

There are some shocking, awful domestic violence apologists on here. A crime of violence is a crime of violence, regardless of gender.

AgentZigzag · 13/03/2014 22:05

The OP started this thread winterkills and I don't think I've broken any guidelines, if you find my views offensive report my posts.

ukatlast · 13/03/2014 22:06

I seem to be in the minority but I think you are overreacting - he is clearly just sexually frustrated - he admits as much. You have now assaulted him so it's 6 of one, half a dozen of the other really.
If everything is hunkydory apart from this one thing, it would be weird to let it ruin your marriage. Only you can answer that.

Going to the police is a step along the road of ending your marriage...if it was all just on his computer for personal use...I may not like it but don't see the big issue except that you didn't know. It's not crime of the century to look at a picture of your spouse even if it does have a bit of porn superimposed with photoshop.

AgentZigzag · 13/03/2014 22:12

Wanting to punch someone and not controlling yourself and actually punching them are two totally different things Pennies.

I'm surprised you think they're the same.

Thinking you want to punch the wanker down the pub and choosing to walk over and do it is what makes the difference to the police.

Calloh · 13/03/2014 22:12

Domestic violence is undoubtedly awful and is perpetrated by women toward men and very variation but the fear of physical abuse is surely the waves of hopelessness and pain when you are unable to fend off an abusive partner intent on hurting you, with power over you and living with the fear of them going off to any moment.

What happened here was much, much less than ideal but it is not really a prolonged case of domestic abuse. - surely?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/03/2014 22:13

Exactly calloh.

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