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found pictures of me on hubby's PC - don't know what to do.

428 replies

mummyinbonniescotland · 12/03/2014 19:55

Tonight I went onto hubby's pc. He works from home as a photographer. He had lots of pictures up. I closed down some of his folders, but as I was closing one down, I saw it was pictures of my privates (I was a bit absent minded so didn't pay much attention to what it was until I'd hit the x button)

So there were pictures of vaginas. I was a bit wtf? Then I caught sight of one of me, smiling, lower half naked, legs akimbo, on my couch, wearing clothes I recognise.

I don't remember ever posing like that or for pictures of my vagina.

Actually I have once, but that was a close up of a boil on my vagina that I wanted to take to my doctor's appointment (it was a recurring boil that was always gone by the time of the appt so dr had asked me to take a pic next time).

It was taken by DH on my phone and he handed it immediately back to me and I deleted it off my phone after the appointment which was that day.

So i have no idea where all these pictures come from. I'm quite a private person, and I'd never pose for pictures unless like I said above to take a picture to my doctor.

I'm confused and digusted right now. My DD could have come across this, or my hubby's colleague who often comes to the house, or my very prudish parents.

I did confront DH who says he has no idea where the pictures came from, he doesn't remember me posing either apart from that dr appt one. He did a search and couldn't find the folder I closed. I wish I hadn't closed it but I wasn't paying much attention til the last second.

He did keep asking me to go and fetch his phone, cos he was running late for an appt with a client but now its going through my head, did he want me gone so he could hide the evidence?

I have come across porn videos before and porn sites in his internet history which he keeps saying is a virus/pop ups etc. I have never really believed him but I kind of let it go I admit.

This is different though. These are pictures of me that he appears to have taken. To perhaps look at in his own time? But I don't remember posing for them and I never would either. Even if I had, I would have expected him to delete them immediately, not leave them on the PC for someone to come across such as DD.

I just feel dirty and disrespected. I don't know what to do. I've been with him for 16 years now, married for 9, he's my best friend and I know he's never been with anyone else - I do know where he is all the time (he works from home, my parents live in the same street, we have mutual friends).

I don't know what to do, please help!

NC for this

OP posts:
Fingerbobs · 13/03/2014 22:16

"She justifiably saw red, and lost control. Unfortunate and regrettable - yes. Abuser - no. It's important to differentiate".

You are joking, right? Or a high court judge from the 1970s? Justifiably? There is never an excuse. Never. I am really sorry for the OP in what is clearly a horrible situation. But she's not going to be helped by excusing her own shit behaviour. Justifiable my arse.

OP rather than having your parents kill your partner perhaps they could look after your DD for the weekend whilst you and talk properly about what's going on here. You obviously can't deal with it while she's there. I'm sorry this has happened and hope you are able to get to what has gone on.

Pennies · 13/03/2014 22:18

My sentence has a comma in it. She was justified in seeing red. I am NOT saying she was right to hit him. It is not against any law to see red.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/03/2014 22:21

Look, someone (a male poster) on FWR recently, who deals with male victims of dv, said that no client he has spoken said they were suffering because they had seen mum kicking ten kinds of shit out of dad. It was always the other way round.

Get it in perspective ffs.

mummyinbonniescotland · 13/03/2014 22:27

Thanks for all the supportive messages. I'm so tired tonight. I think I have sobbed and screamed myself hoarse.

My employers have a counselling service. You can self refer, no one needs to know why, not even your manager, so I think I'll arrange something tomorrow. I need to speak to someone but I'm not comfortable speaking to someone I know, not even my mum.

I just need time to think things through.

In the meantime, Dh is sleeping in DD's room and she's in with me. She thinks its a special treat. I haven't made any decisions yet.

OP posts:
SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/03/2014 22:29

And of course, what is being forgotten here, is that many a male partner who has murdered his partner has got off on a dubious charge/sentence because of provocation. Carmen (Gaby) Buchachra anyone?

Stop derailing. This is not dv.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 13/03/2014 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/03/2014 22:32

Xpost op. Do what you have to. Hope you are ok. I think it's a gross betrayal - but only you can decide what to do.

Pennies · 13/03/2014 22:34

Good idea about getting the counselling, OP.

MrsTomHardy · 13/03/2014 22:45

Op does he know you've spoken to the police?

quietlysuggests · 13/03/2014 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weeonion · 13/03/2014 22:54

zigzag - in this instance you may possibly be confusing situational couple violence with domestic abuse. They have very different underlying motivations. Check out the work of Michael Johnson - www.personal.psu.edu/faculty/m/p/mpj/dvpage.html

OP - sorry for what has happened to you and hope you can get all the RL support you need.

Joysmum · 13/03/2014 22:57

I'd be doing all I could to recover that file so you have the file names. Then I'd run a trace on each to find out if any have been posted/shared online.

MusicalEndorphins · 13/03/2014 23:07

OP, did you do a system restore? Try that, setting the restore point to a day or two before you found the file.

ViviPru · 13/03/2014 23:12

But says he's never photoshopped me, never taken pictures without my knowledge. Only pictures he's ever taken are from that trip to the doctors.

You'd know if this was plausible? You'd remember the pre-doctor pictures being taken, whereabouts, time of day etc. You'd be able to equate that with the shocking unexpected image you saw? You'd remember the incident and whether it would have been possible for him to get his own phone out in that time and take a picture without you realising?

seeminglyso · 13/03/2014 23:23

OP firstly I am so sorry to hear what you are going through here and I would do what others have suggested to try to get those pictures back so you can really address the issue rather than have to continue to listen to denial. I would be beyond livid if this was my husband, in fact I would find it creepy and bizarre and would have reacted much as you did.

I have been off mums net for about two years now and reading this thread I know why... a person experiencing one of the shittiest times of her life only to have sanctimonious drivel spouted at her like she is a five year old child. ''Hitting is not okay, you can never be justified, even if you have just been totally crushed and realised your husband is not the man you thought he was and has treated you like an object of gratification''. OP if I was in your situation I would have had his bollocks off!

LEMmingaround · 13/03/2014 23:47

Hang on - where the fuck did the OP say she hit him? Fuck me, id have kicked my DP in the balls if i were the OP to be frank.

LEMmingaround · 13/03/2014 23:49

Musical endorphins - thts a brilliant idea - system restore is the way to go, i can't remember how to do it but its pretty straight forward i think.

Caitlin17 · 14/03/2014 00:08

I don't think a system restore restores deleted data. It's meant to restore the system (ie the operating system) to an earlier state, not the data. It's easy to do but it's really to reverse system changes/software updates.

If you really know what you are doing you can recover data but it's much more difficult.

spottyblanket · 14/03/2014 00:33

If that was my husband his penis hard-drive would be on the A66 by now.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 14/03/2014 01:01

I have no comment on the incident specific to this thread. Although op I'm sorry about the photos you found it must be terrible for you at mo.

sabrina

I have heard of people who have been devastated as adults growing up in a household of mother against father dv

So my point is it is irrelevant who is perpetuating domestic violence, but it is massively important that is is happening at all.

Idocrazythings · 14/03/2014 03:17

It all seems very odd OP, and I just wonder if you seeing the images on the computer has triggered a red flag to you for some other reason? Maybe one you're not quite aware of yet but perhaps lots of little things are starting to fall into place?.

I think you are right to examine it and work out why you are feeling like this rather than sweep it under the carpet. In my marriage your reaction would be an overreaction (like a previous poster has commented), but for you it's not. That's ok, there must be a reason for it, whether it's something as simple as very high morals or something more sinister. Only you would know, not us internet strangers. I really feel for you, and hope you can work it out.

I think you're very brave to stand by your principles, hopefully you can ignore all the posters bickering over other issues on your thread.

FabBakerGirl · 14/03/2014 06:22

"girlie pics" Hmm

That is so not what these are.

What the OP did in slapping her husband was over in a second and only the two of them know about it. What he appears to have done is on the internet, potentially, so could be seen by many people and is a total violation of her. She hurt him for a few seconds, if at all. He has hurt her probably forever. Obviously she shouldn't have hit him but I can certainly understand why she did.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 14/03/2014 07:03

I have been off mums net for about two years now and reading this thread I know why... a person experiencing one of the shittiest times of her life only to have sanctimonious drivel spouted at her like she is a five year old child. ''Hitting is not okay, you can never be justified, even if you have just been totally crushed and realised your husband is not the man you thought he was and has treated you like an object of gratification''. OP if I was in your situation I would have had his bollocks off!

Yes. Exactly. It's so fucking annoying.

honeythewitch · 14/03/2014 07:55

for some reason.....

"OP if I was in your situation I would have had his bollocks off!"

provokes less reaction than...

"OP if I was in your situation I would have ripped her tits off!"

BOFtastic · 14/03/2014 08:07

The reason for that is that there's a difference between what is obviously hyperbole, and the reality of male violence against women, as two of us still end up dead every week. HTH.