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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find MIL's email a bit loaded/ annoying?

85 replies

AndSheRose · 11/03/2014 22:39

Have cut and pasted almost exactly the content below:

Hi there AndSheRose
You must be having a very busy time - when we did FaceTime, Mr AndSheRose looked shattered and you were having rest! Joys of young children! We've been looking at xxxx website, as that is what Mr A said was a good idea (for DC's bday present) and does DS like...(seemingly spurious question here about preferring blue or green)...
Hope you are well apart from tired.
Love from MIL

To put in context: we don't communicate much on email and DH does sometimes act all martyrish to his parents re: workloads etc. Day in question DH had definitely had a more restful time than me - I got up v early with our toddler, I took our other DC to a class several miles away during toddler's nap time etc - but naturally the few minutes I was having a cup of tea in peace, they FaceTime each other.
Feel like MIL has basically sent an email under pretence of needing advice about a present and in it implied I am not taking a fair share of the load and DH is getting raw deal - not true. (I am currently SAHM, DH works full time, normal hours, hence we are both busy). Has been winding me up all day and we are supposed to be going on holiday with them soon and now I just don't want to go (not in petty way, I just don't feel as excited about it any more).
Obviously it could be interpreted as innocent chit chat, but she can be quite shrewd in her point-making. What do others think?

OP posts:

mymiraclebubba · 11/03/2014 23:23

sounds to me like she was being very nice tbh. unless there is more to your rekationship issues with her than you are posting about?

ladymariner · 11/03/2014 23:25

Don't see it as a dig, just read it as she thought you were both tired.

Depends if you want to see a dig, I suppose.....

Nappaholic · 11/03/2014 23:29

She sounds like my own mother. I love her to pieces but god, is she passive aggressive! I've learned to live with it...especially since I've had my own kids. "She means well"....has become my mantra....

KeatsiePie · 11/03/2014 23:29

I can't tell for sure whether it's a dig or not. I think it is not. But it really depends on whether or not she normally thinks you make DH do too much. If it's out of character for her to be snotty like that, then she probably isn't being snotty.

But PomBear's reply email is hilarious and should probably be used just so it is not wasted. The last line is killer.

Qix · 11/03/2014 23:31

I saw it as a dig.

pixwix · 11/03/2014 23:31

I had to read this a couple of times - she says Mr A looked shattered, and that you were having rest - not that you both looked tired - am I right? And that her sympathies seem to be with Mr A despite you being up at sparrows fart with toddler.

Ex - mil was like that - she once told me that childbirth would be far worse for ex-dh than me, cos he had to see me in all that pain.

Hmmm.

Original poster

AndSheRose · 11/03/2014 23:36

Hmm thanks all, jury seems a bit out but maybe slightly in favour of 'wasn't meant to offend'. I will see if I can just forget about it/consider it a bit insensitive rather than work myself up into a defensive rage. I just wonder if the ambiguity is a deliberate part of the message tho, this woman is not stupid. Is annoying because we have enough to argue about without her shit-stirring so if she is trying to make his life easier it is counterproductive. Plus I would not have agreed to taking our family holiday with them if I thought she feels it ok to make such judgements then share them. Anyway, either way the empathy is comforting, thanks.

OP posts:

LessMissAbs · 12/03/2014 00:13

Yep, they're definitely having a dig at you.

You're not going on holiday with your inlaws are you?!

Terrortree · 12/03/2014 00:17

I read it as 'he looked shattered - so if you were having a rest, you must be shattered too'. It reminds me of having young children.

Implied sympathy.

However, it could easily be interpreted differently - it would come down to your relationship with your MIL.

BlackDaisies · 12/03/2014 00:34

I think it's a dig! I would just reply... "a rest! I wish! 2 mins with a cup of tea after a hectic day. You're right, I am tired, but worth every minute. Dh is tired too, but enjoyed getting the chance to sit down and facetime you...... Feel free to babysit we would both appreciate a night out......etc"

HuntingforBunting · 12/03/2014 04:59

I'd be annoyed by that email, but is she generally supportive?

HuntingforBunting · 12/03/2014 05:01

I'd be annoyed by that email, but is she generally supportive? But actually, rereading it, she is saying your very busy too... I guess it depends how she usually is towards you

FirstStopCafe · 12/03/2014 05:23

Depends on your relationship with your mil. From mine I would definitely take it as a dig

paxtecum · 12/03/2014 06:14

I think you are over sensitive and I am eternally thankful that I am a MIL to men not women.
If I had DIL I would be afraid to communicate with them in anyway.

I hope your holiday goes well.

brettgirl2 · 12/03/2014 06:35

I think you are being oversensitive. At worst it is a 'my son is wonderful'-type comment.

TheSumofUs · 12/03/2014 06:44

Ok here's the thing - you can take it either way - perhaps it was meant to criticize and perhaps it was meant to sympathize

Either way - in the absence of other offensive behavior, this email doesn't really matter unless you let it bug you

Relationships with Inlaws are minefields - for the majority, most mean well and occasionally are misunderstood or thoughtless (on both sides of the relationship) - and that's where I'd place this email

It could be so much worse (and for perspective Id recommend popping over and reading the thread where the MIL urinated on her DILs toothbrush)

All in all, if this is the worse she does, I would not be taking offensive and would choose to take it kindly (and if she meant it unkindly, your good attitude itself will be good enough revenge)

Shamoy · 12/03/2014 07:09

Definitely a dig!

Chipandspuds · 12/03/2014 07:22

I like BlackDaisys response, I'd go with that.

Personally I'd read it as a dig but I'm prone to reading too much into things as a disclaimer!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/03/2014 07:26

I think it's a dig. I would reply along the lines of Blackdaisies then forget about it. Some mil think dil should wait on her precious ds hand and foot. and never book another holiday with them

AramintaDeWinter · 12/03/2014 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 12/03/2014 08:05

It's was passive aggressive.

Love pombears reply! I would be tapping that down as we speak.

I basically got called lazy of my mil the other week because DP forgot to buy the baby milk and should t be expected to remember everythng ....

Perish the thought ! daft old bats!

JapaneseMargaret · 12/03/2014 08:14

Yep, passive-aggression at its best/worst.

It's quite nice that so many people don't see it.

MaudeLynn · 12/03/2014 08:25

OP - please don't send Pombears spiteful reply and ignore those who are urging you to see your MIL's perfectly nice comments as a dig. Enjoy your holiday with your inlaws and stop spoiling for a fight with a woman who loves your DH and your DC. It will make you happier, I promise.

MaryShelley · 12/03/2014 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersBassoon · 12/03/2014 08:49

I think it's fine. She's just explaining why she didn't see you when they Skyped, and making sure you're happy with what they discussed re the birthday present. I think it sounds friendly and sympathetic.

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