to feel excluded by the use of a foreign language by family members?

[DonkeyDaddy]

My wife is bilingual. Her mother has come to stay and whilst I was sat in the kitchen sending an email and my wife was folding some clothes up, my mother-in-law walked in and started talking to my wife in their native tongue, in which they continued to chat. They are both fluent in both languages and could have flipped between the two at will. There was nobody else present other than the three of us.

I felt excluded and not especially well treated. Am I being unreasonable to object? Or am I just being sensitive (or insensitive to them)?

Not that my DM used to wait until visits to talk about everything under the sun. It doesn't strike me as 'rude' if it's an infrequent visit and rare chance to talk 1:1.

I agree with thetall.

It's not rude in a family context. It's much ruder to expect people always to switch to English for your benefit.

I don't speak DH's first language - should I expect him never to use it?! Or to shove his mum out of the room so I don't have to experience the pain of hearing her speaking foreign? It would be absurd.

Me, I would think it extremely rude to marry somebody without having enough interest in their background and the person they are to try to learn even a little of their language.

What you are saying is that your wife should continue to make all the effort in your relationship because she has already put in a lot of effort.

And that her mother should ditch the natural closeness she has had with your wife since she was a baby, because that is less important than making you feel slightly uncomfortable.

I'm glad I married dh who thought my language and my culture and my relationships were as important as his own.

It's difficult. I am married to a bilingual man, and I didn't like it at first of he spoke Afrikaans to others,in my presence. But now, I'm used to it, I've learnt quite a lot, and actually I think it's nice he occasionally gets a chance to converse in his natural language, given we live in England, so it's mostly in English.
Whilst he us fluent in English, I guess it does require constantly thinking and translating, rather than just being natural so,I don't begrudge him it a little bit of the language he grew up with, with the people he grew up with.

What I can never understand is this: if you are a person who feels threatened by foreign cultures and foreign languages and foreign ways- why do you go out of your way to marry somebody foreign? Is it in the expectation that they will just suppress their foreignness forever after and turn into something you can feel more comfortable with? Seems kind of a big ask to me.

Bonsoir, I live in a plurilingual society, and in my experience people who could very easily converse in their native language frequently choose to include 3rd parties who are unable to join in by speaking the language common to most. No condescension, just consideration.

I have witnessed this on many occasions, and as someone with very limited facility in the first language of the country where I live, I am very grateful and not in the least bit patronised.

I think it was ok in the situation you describe where you were occupied with sending an email. If they didn't try to include you over the dinner table that would be rude. My dh is South African and his family speak Afrikaans to each other, but also speak English as it is widely used over there. They always speak English when I am in the room. Not something that i have ever needed to ask them to do, they just choose to do it.

Its tricky. Im bilingual but its quite hard to speak to someone in the language Im not used to speaking to them in IYSWIM?

So I speak to DH in French. Its v difficult to speak to him in English as I just dont associate him with that language. I make the effort if we're say at a dinner table with my English family. But if its just me asking him to go change DS' nappy, so something that doesnt concern anybody else, I'll ask in French.

Sorry but YABU - it's not their fault you don't speak their language. I am in the same situation as my DHs family who are fully bilingual still speak their own language when they are together. I can understand a few words now but it's my problem.

Very occasionally I might ask them to explain something.

It would be rude and unfair to expect them not to speak their own language.

But brit, does that include a mother and daughter in their own home?

It's not the same as talking to someone in a social setting.

It also matters whether the OP's wife regularly gets to speak her other language. If she does, maybe it's ok to switch to English. But if she is living with an English-speaking husband in an English-speaking country, and he wants her never to speak her own language in front of him, she is going to lose a huge part of her identity, isn't she?

My sister's family is bilingual. I really like hearing her speak the language to her kids because I like to try and see what I can understand and I think they sound v cool! You probs just aren't that keen on your MIL. How long has she been staying?

A little consideration goes a long way- sometimes my husband is half way through a conversation in his own language, sees me arrive in the room and they then switch- I might then say 'carry on in X language, don't mind me'. If everyone is considerate to this, it helps.

If my mum turned up though, and I was living in my husband's culture, speaking his language all the time, I would be talking to her non-stop in English whoever was around. It's lovely to be able to be yourself for a short while.

We suffer the same problem with my mum. We used to have it with my dad too but after explaining it to him (and that took courage!) he has been far more considerate of my dh being able to understand the interactions and conversations going on in the room. It's simply a matter of family inclusiom, making sure the dc's dad is included in these family moments, not ignored to the point he skulks off! He does undrrstand a fair amount, and is not anti multilingualism or anything, just not a person in the right time and place to learn a new language. We've explained things to my mum but it doesn't seem to filter through... The worst timrs are when she refers to dh in conversation while he is in the room (leaving him wondering...) and when she jumps in to tell off the dc and dh dorsn't know what they've done wrong!

YABU.

Would you find it comfortable or natural to suddenly start speaking a different language to your mother?

And, they weren't speaking a "foreign" language btw, they were speaking their native language.

Do you have children? Are they bilingual? Are they going to be? How are you going to manage that one?

The other thing is - if you do 'one parent one language' then you are going to have to get over your wife speaking in a different language to your children otherwise they simply won't learn it. If you all default to English (as we do) then their chances of being properly bilingual are really reduced.

I just don't understand why people find others speaking their own language threatening or inconsiderate in their own homes. That's their mother tongue, how they best express themselves, part of their identity. Their home is where they should feel relaxed and able to be themselves. Fine to ask them to switch to your language when you are actively involved, or part of the conversation. To ask everyone to basically speak English at all times when you are in the room even busy with something else means you will end up with an only English speaking household and that is a real shame (and an issue of language and identity).

*A pp said they haven't learned because the language in question is "obscure". I don't really get that, I'm afraid.

What don't you get?

Bolding fail. That was to Sillybillybob

i think it only makes sense to feel uncomfortable if you are convinced they are saying unkind things about you. If you don't have that insecurity, then I don't see the problem.

I don't get at you wouldn't bother learning a language that is spoken by members of your family, simply because it's not widely spoken in general.

maybe your mil hates you cos you cant be bothered to learn the language

It isnt rude she is her mum they were chatting they probably didnt realise they were doing it, learn some words so you can hear when they are talking about you

My husband is the same, he talks to his friends and family in his own language. I don't find it rude, I think they are just doing it as it comes natural to them.

I am trying to learn the language, it is just taking me a long time!

MsMischief, that thing you said about not learning your family's language because it was 'obscure' struck me. But surely, even if it's not a significant 'world language', it's hardly obscure in your life if your family use it?

Hmmm I think YABU, for all the reasons already mentioned.

I speak French, and my mum can speak passable French. I am trying to imagine having a conversation with my mum in French for the benefit of a third party who just happened to be present but was not part of the conversation. It would feel weird and awkward

Maybe by "obscure" the poster meant it was a v difficult language to learn. Like Mandarin as opposed to something like German, for example. I think most English-speakers would feel more confident about being able to learn German than Mandarin. I know that is not what obscure really means, just musing really

Relative obscurity of learning materials? Edo is harder to find books for than Swahili.