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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most people do not understand true 'love'

60 replies

runnermum1974 · 10/03/2014 13:09

People go on about love and think they know what they are talking about. Love is an overused word, in my opinion, most people do not have a clue what true love is.

It is only when love is tested with hardship that you know what true love is. It is not easy at all - true love is selfless, kind and patient.

You often see situations, like in Wolf of Wall Street, where a couple marries and seems very happy and in love. Then when the guy loses money/status his wife dumps him. In my opinion, that woman could not have truly loved him if she can't stand by him during the bad times. I know standing by someone in hard times is difficult, by defintion, - but that is the test of love.

'For richer and poorer, in sickness and in health' - vows say that for a reason - it is easy to love in wealth and health as there is something to gain - but the test comes when those things falter, as health inevitably does.

Any definitions of love?

AIBU?

OP posts:
TTTatty · 10/03/2014 13:15

Erm - didn't the woman leave him because he was screwing around and taking drugs?!

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 10/03/2014 13:16

Well, you are talking about romantic love, which is only a small part of love, so I think you make a mistake right there thinking that love is a single emotion. You are using the word love in a really narrow way to describe one tiny part of it when what you actually mean is romantic love and also commitment, courage and decency.

The love you feel for a partner is a totally different emotion to the one you feel for your children, which is different again to the one you feel for your parents, siblings, etc.

You can love and be passionate about a cause or a place - again, it comes under the umbrella 'love' but is a totally different emotion.

So in order to understand 'true love', you first have to understand that the word love is wholly inadequate and covers too wide a range of emotions and what people really need is to be more specific.

formerbabe · 10/03/2014 13:18

I think love is when you put someone else's happiness above your own.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 10/03/2014 13:18

xpost TTTatty. Interesting! Well, there is a problem right there. Romantic love is a conditional love. It relies on the person you love not being an utter bastard.

It isn't the unconditional love you have for your child. It can be broken easily if you are treated like shit.

Original poster
runnermum1974 · 10/03/2014 13:19

TTTatty - He is not the best example, but you know the story of a couple in love and then the guy loses his job and then the woman leaves him.

And also, she knew he was cheating on her during the good times - so if that was the problem, then why did she not leave him then? Oh yes... He was rich and powerful. She was in love with the idea of being 'The Duchess', not in love with him.

OP posts:
ouryve · 10/03/2014 13:19

It's rather hard for love to stay "true" if it's not reciprocated. Since you put so much stock on the "for better or for worse" ideal (not al people have made this vow, btw) does that mean that you think that someone should stay in a relationship where they are abused? (I know nothing of the film to which you refer and tend not to live my life via fictional works)

MrsBennetsEldest · 10/03/2014 13:19

Do you think the main character in the film loved his wife? Really? I seem to remember he spent an awful lot of time poking elsewhere. I don't think the film was a good example of the point you are trying to make.

PiperRose · 10/03/2014 13:19

Op, you have been listening to too much Country music and watching too much Disney.

Meepers · 10/03/2014 13:19

YABU that is your interpretation of love. There are many different types of love and you can love two people differently. Friends, family, partner and then the love for your children is quite often different from the love for your other family members.

Meepers · 10/03/2014 13:21

Sorry, posted too soon. Your idea of love is IMHO in fairy land where the ideal is the norm. That is not real life. Sorry to disappoint.

TheZeeTeam · 10/03/2014 13:21

I would never have thought of using Jordan Belfort as the prime example in a discussion about true love, tbh!

chirpchirp · 10/03/2014 13:24

I learnt everything I need to know about love from the Princess Bride. It's done me well so far.

skaen · 10/03/2014 13:24

Given that less than 50% of marriages end in divorce, I think most people really do understand troo love.

Original poster
runnermum1974 · 10/03/2014 13:26

I am not religious. But here is a definition of love from the bible.

'love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

That is the true love I am talking about.

OP posts:
DoJo · 10/03/2014 13:26

YABU - love is different in every relationship.

I think love is when you put someone else's happiness above your own.

This only works if it's reciprocated.

TTTatty · 10/03/2014 13:28

What the couple had in WoWS was not love no, but from both of them. Love is not leaving someone when times get tough but equally love can be destroyed by prolonged difficulties and each partners reaction to those.

BumpyGrindy · 10/03/2014 13:28

Love grows through shared experience. As understanding grows, so does love.

pictish · 10/03/2014 13:29

I agree with PiperRose. Country music and Disney have a lot to answer for.

Meepers · 10/03/2014 13:29

Nope sorry runnermum that is an ideal love. It very rarely if ever works that way all the time.

In fact, I think anyone who said that their love was like the above 100% of the time would be a big fat liar.

Lottapianos · 10/03/2014 13:29

'I think love is when you put someone else's happiness above your own.'

I think that's a really dangerous philosophy. Putting someone else's happiness and needs and feelings above your own happens all the time in abusive relationships. I used to do this all the time and my relationships were a disaster.

MrsCakesPremonition · 10/03/2014 13:30

OP - I think that you can only speak for yourself when talking about true love. To come and tell everyone on MN that mst of them do not know, that their love has not endured hardship, is incredibly rude and patronising.
You have only to read a handful of the threads from people supporting loved ones through illness, through bereavement, through disability, to read the joy of new parents, the wonderful partnerships that people have to realise that most MNers don't need to be told the meaning of love.

DipMeInChocolate · 10/03/2014 13:30

I think that being in love is different to loving someone.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/03/2014 13:33

The definition from the Bible is part of the problem. 'Love' isn't a thing. 'True love' isn't a thing either. These are all emotions, reactions and feelings based on your brain, your life experience, your chemistry. If you are a selfless person who is very steadfast, the 'love' you feel might involve suffering and staying. It is probably just the brain chemistry we have been gifted by evolution to get over the first couple of years of a child's life so the species carries on

pictish · 10/03/2014 13:33

Although I would like to share my favourite quote about love if I may....romantic love that is....

"Love does not consist of gazing inwards at one another, but looking outwards together in the same direction."

So yeah...I like that one.

Eminybob · 10/03/2014 13:34

YABU.

Love is what it is to the individual. You can't say someone hasn't experienced true love because they have had a hardship to overcome. Some people are just lucky and have happy and love filled lives.

Also wolf of wall street is a film, not real life, so yes you are correct in saying it is not a true depiction of true love Hmm