To think most people do not understand true 'love'

[runnermum1974]

People go on about love and think they know what they are talking about. Love is an overused word, in my opinion, most people do not have a clue what true love is.

It is only when love is tested with hardship that you know what true love is. It is not easy at all - true love is selfless, kind and patient.

You often see situations, like in Wolf of Wall Street, where a couple marries and seems very happy and in love. Then when the guy loses money/status his wife dumps him. In my opinion, that woman could not have truly loved him if she can't stand by him during the bad times. I know standing by someone in hard times is difficult, by defintion, - but that is the test of love.

'For richer and poorer, in sickness and in health' - vows say that for a reason - it is easy to love in wealth and health as there is something to gain - but the test comes when those things falter, as health inevitably does.

Any definitions of love?

AIBU?

There is a strong hint in the OP that true love is something that should be practised by one part only- and surprise, surprise it turns out to be the woman!

Funny that the OP did not begin: AIBU to say that most people don't understand the meaning of true love or they would never be unfaithful or subject their partner to the unhappiness of living with somebody who takes drugs.

Or do you suggest taking drugs and screwing around is compatible with putting somebody else's happiness above your own?

I am happy to say that I am married to a man who does understand the meaning of love. So he does not behave in ways that are likely to make me unhappy.

That biblical quote from Corinthians is talking about "divine love" NOT "romantic love".

(A bishop told me this.)

Romantic love/family love/friendship love - they are all different.

Romantic love is, quite rightly conditional, if you are abused, the love goes.

So divine love is ideal love. It is what the divine (god/Allah etc) has for us, not what we are expected to have for each other.

I think that part of the problem is the huge spectrum of emotion/activity that's represented by the one word; 'love'.

In Greek there are four different words, all with different subtleties. From Wiki;

Agape means love in a "spiritual" sense. In the term s'agapo (?'?????), which means "I love you" in Ancient Greek, it often refers to a general affection or deeper sense of "true unconditional love" rather than the attraction suggested by "eros."

Eros is "physical" passionate love, with sensual desire and longing.

Philia is "mental" love. It means affectionate regard or friendship

Storge means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek.

I wouldn't presume to say any of those was not 'true love' but each is a form of love, equal but separate from the others.

I think I'd agree with the thread premise more if you were to say 'I don't think people understand the level of work they may need to put into their relationship if something goes wrong.'

That I agree with. Telling people that they don't love each other, or maybe they did but they don't now so it couldn't have been proper love... well, it just seems to be demanding that other people live according to your own chosen standards. People fall in love. That feels different to different people. Sometimes the stresses on the relationship or the people in it mean that they don't continue being in love.

Hell, I love my husband, and we've been together through some pretty tough times during our time together, but I'd be an outright liar if I were to say that never during that time did I ever look at him and think; 'I just don't love you right now'.

I've continued to work at it, assuming that the emotion of love will come back (it has thus far), but I'm not going to say it's never happened.

It's a fucking film! I swear, some people sniff glue.

Oh and OP, to say that "most people do not have a clue what true love is" is...well...wrong frankly. What gives you the right to pooh pooh other people's experiences of love? What makes you think yours are so special as to be above the masses?

As for love being selfless - ha ha! Nope! Sounds like a recipe for a lifetime of abuse if you ask me...but hey, what do I know?

I work in care. I have thought to myself that I have seen true love in action when I see an elderly man or woman caring tenderly for their partner of many years who has dementia or has been disabled by a stroke. I now know from experience that the "well" partner in these relationships often has very little "quality" time left for themselves when their partner dies, or suffers physical ill health later through the effort they have made. My husband and I have made a pact not to do this for each other. It is more of a loving gesture to agree to go into a care home.

pictish, I like that quote about love too

'As for love being selfless - ha ha! Nope! Sounds like a recipe for a lifetime of abuse if you ask me'

Completely agree. Learned the hard way

OP, I saw your other post about your suicidal friend being 'dumped' by three friends... now this.

Are you having a 'thoughtful' day, or are you in Need of help?

Ok... I like LookingThroughtheFrog's definition if different types of love.

I did not know that Corinthians was based on divine love - but even that kind if love seems impossible.

I think true love starts with loving yourself only then can you truly extend that love to other people. You know yourself (the truth) and love yourself anyway. I think it's an extremely hard thing to do with the way we are brought up in this society. Selfishness and narcissism are not the same as loving yourself although it is often referred to as the same. 'She loves herself' for example which is derogatory.

I love my DC unconditionally and would place myself in danger in place of them but they came from ME and I quite often loathe myself and want to throw myself off a bridge occasionally. So it's all very odd.

No that should have been:

not

I also believe that this applies.

Stockhausen - I am trying to get my head around the concept of 'love' and also friendship. The experience with my friend has really affected me and made me question what love is? I know it is a big question.

One of the three friends who dumped my suicidal friend used to go in about love - 'I love you hunny' etc. but when the hardest time came, she ran away. So is love just a big fat lie? Am I a sucker for sticking around to help my friend?

I guess I just feel very disillusioned by the world, people and particularly this thing we call 'love' right now. Maybe my ideas of love did come from ideals in Corinthians and Disney. Maybe I am the problem - I bought into the ideal of 'love' that does not exist in reality. I just feel really sad.

So yeah, I am being thoughtful, but I may need some help myself to cope with things.

I thought I loved my husband, until we got our dog and then I REALLY loved her and then we had our DD and no love can compare to that.

All love is different.

I'm getting my head around the fact that my DD will never love me as passionately and as completely as I love her - AND I DON'T CARE - that's what I think love is.

One day, when she has her own children, she will understand that feeling aswell. My personal experience is that I didn't know TRUE love until I had my DD. It's heart-stopping and sometimes it really does take your breath away.

I was trying to explain it to my DH's Niece who is about to have her first child. But you can't explain it, she will feel it when the time comes.

See, I used to think a bit like that. Which is why I ended up in abusive relationships.

Bollocks to putting someone else's happiness above your own. Love is about mutual respect, kindness and consideration imho. Not seen the film but screwing around isn't very fucking loving is it? Or is it just women who are supposed to think like that?

OP I have not seen your other thread, so forgive my sharpness - I did not have context to work with...I am sorry you are feeling so sad and disillusioned.

I cannot run with the notion that 'true' love is sacrificial and selfless though. To pedal that as a general rule about love is quite damaging, as I'm sure you can understand.

So is love just a big fat lie?

No, but love means different things to different people. To say 'I love you hunny' doesn't mean 'I will sacrifice my own life for yours.' It's just a phrase.

Am I a sucker for sticking around to help my friend?

No, you are a kind person, but you have made that decision for you; you cannot make it for other people.

For what it's worth, I think you're right to take stock and think about things, particularly in reference to how you're going to cope - what support have you got in place? Will it be enough? What will happen to your friend if you're unable to be there for whatever reason?

I think it would also be valuable to have a think about your decision as suggested on the other thread; are you doing this because you have chosen to? Or do you feel there's pressure to do so? Is it possible that you're not doing this altruistically, but partly because you want to be considered a good person? If so, where's that coming from, and what will happen to you should your friend take a turn for the worse?

I'm honestly not suggesting the answers to those questions for you - and I'm certainly not suggesting you answer on the thread! It's personal. It's about making sure you are mentally robust at the onset. Having the answers to these questions for yourself might well help to maintain the boundaries you need to maintain.

What I would be really, really wary of doing is to spend time considering (and judging) other people's decisions. Life is too short, and you need to focus on you, and if you start out reacting to other people, you may find that your decisions aren't your own, but are a rebellion. So focus inward, not outward.

love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Divine love or not, I would apply that definition of love only to my DD. I have never felt like that about a man.

"I thought I loved my husband, until we got our dog..."

Interesting.

Different people will feel their version of 'love' differently too; just to complicate things even further. In the same way that different folk have differing views on pain and pleasure. What hurts like hell for me might only be a twinge for you. What i class as a shallow infatuation might be all another person is actually capable of. Who knows?

How do we know when we are as in love as we can possibly be? How many people spend their lives trying hard to be in love with the person they have committed to - convincing themselves that they are in love?

My own experience of love is: played at being in love for 15 years, as above, then found what i believe to be true love. For me. My true love. My version of it.

"I love you hunny" to a friend isn't the same thing as love! It's short hand for I like you and you make me laugh etc. Not I'd walk through fire for you.

Fictional love isn't a great yardstick either. The love that endures through disagreements, mundanity and the little woes of a long marriage is different.

"I love you hunny" to a friend isn't the same thing as love! It's short hand for I like you and you make me laugh etc. Not I'd walk through fire for you.

Fictional love isn't a great yardstick either. The love that endures through disagreements, mundanity and the little woes of a long marriage is different.

Pretty sure that 'Love' is like 'Lust', it's a part of survival of the species.

Old romantic me

I'd guess that most MNers do know the meaning of true love due to most of us being parents.

I know you're referring to romantic love but IMO that can never be 'true' because it's always conditional. You have a child and you love them before they are born, before you know what sex they are, and they can grow into anyone, regardless of how you feel about it. You still love them even when you don't like them very much.

Romantic love should be based on conditions and circumstances. I might fall in love with somebody that's completely unsuitable but I'd like to think I would have enough self love to leave if they were abusive.

I would be worried about an adult that claimed to love their partner enough to put up with anything. It's either a sign of naivety or a sign of very low self worth.