Invited for lunch but then...

[Oodfanjo]

DH and I have DC aged 2 and 6w. We were invited to my Ddad's for Sunday lunch, which we've done many times before. There was my DGM, Ddad's DP, and three other adults (so 8 adults and a 2yo eating.)

We were sorting the kids out at the table whilst everyone was dishing up. I was bf DC2 at the table, DH was helping DS with his lunch- serving/chopping up. Everyone else served themselves and started tucking in. This ALWAYS happens. DH served mine and then his (as I was bf it was a bit tricky juggling gravy etc!). When he went to serve his there was plenty there for him but not of everything, eg. All the broccoli had gone, all the parsnips etc, only a little mashed potato. I could tell DH wasn't too chuffed (he'd given me the bits that were left first, bless him!).

Anyway, I thought it was a bit off that there wasn't quite enough of everything but overall there was enough food for us, if that makes sense. Anyway, as we were leaving I saw boxes of food in the kitchen - for my DGM to take home for later/tomorrow. I know my DGM is older but she is fit, well, healthy etc and gets out and about every day etc. So firstly, AIBU that there was more food (ie the stuff that DH lacked) but it was kept back? And secondly, AIBU to be pissed off that every single fucking time we eat there everyone helps themselves and starts digging in before we've even started dishing up our own meal? And before you ask, no, I haven't said anything and I doubt I ever will because it has always been like this, even before my DM died.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean

"I'd also offer to plate up for anyone that was too busy to sit down."

Don't they know that dinner has been served? They are not too busy; they are just bad mannered. They should sit at the table when others have sat down ready.

As other posters have said, ensure that your plates have sufficient before you cut up the toddler's plateful. As for breastfeeding, it's years since mine were babies but they have to be fed when they want to be fed. Never mind if you're sitting at a dinner table or on a bus or in a park or in a casino or pole dancing.

The host should make sure that everyone is catered for.
The others don't have to wait. They just need to not scoff all the food without consideration to equitable distribution.
It's called good manners.

Oh god no don't have them round to yours.
Who on earth starts eating before others have been served? It's so rude!

This usually happens at my parents, my dad can't conceive of cooking for more than 4 people. By the time me and DH have served up for the kids, there's nothing left for us or just him if I'm sneaky

Once my DSis was late and we ate everything before she got there and had to have beans on toast for Sunday lunch.

I can't believe the comment questioning whether you'd financially contributed to the meal?? Eh? Is this common practice now? You pitch up to your old dad's and he gets the hat out for a whip and then you're entitled to moan about not having a parsnip( forget the broccoli, it's the roast parsnips I'd be seething at). Who, in the normal course of events, gives money to pay for their lunch at their folks?

Have you tried asking of there is anymore? Look at the empty dishes and ask directly, "is there any more parsnips?" isn't going to cause offense?

I can actually see your point.

In our family, and we regularly have 9+ people gathering! including a 1 year old, we dish up into serving dishes and people help themselves.

But I don't know why maybe my family have manners but no one takes more then a small starting portion, and everyone helps each other. E.g. If my brother has the dish of veg, he will offer to put some on other people's plates.

Also back when I was bf on demand and it always seemed to be at mealtimes, I think the smells made LO hungry, no one in my family would dream of leaving me sat there with an empty plate. Equally now if I was focused on LO who is incapable of being near food without eating or screaming, someone would fill my plate.

We also wouldn't dole out leftovers until they actually existed.

So I think you have had some good suggestions. Every man for himself, get stuck in there and get your plates full first. Have a word with dad and say xxx was yummy can you make extra next time (we had this issue with gravy for many years). And if you have the courage, as the pigs other guests are helping themselves, ask them to put a spoon of whatever on your plates too.

surely if it's family you can say "oi....who made YOU roast potato scoffer?"

we always say to newcomers at a sunday dinner here "there's the quick and the hungry...!" but since i seem to be incapable of cooking fo ranything less than double the amount of mouth I have to feed that's not strictly true....

but we do say to grab a serving spoon and Go.For.It.

I think you are being needlessly martyrish tbh...just get stuck in like everyone else

And yes, I can't imagine moaning at a lack of broccoli!

Meat, carbs, gravy, bit of bread to soak it up. Yummy. Quite fancy a roast now.

Or look at your plate and ask "are we on rations" I use this when my mum is obviously trying to force me to diet

sooper the only issue with the food being boxed up in advance, is that they clearly aren't extra portions.

Do you at least get dessert OP?

Don't think the host is rude and the extra portions for takeaway are understandable but DO think the other adult guests are rude for taking without leaving enough for others - you can always go back for seconds surely once you know everyone has been served?

Probably showing my class or it highlights my familys' thick skiN but i would have no problem saying 'alright, which fat buggers got all the broccoli?'

I can't really imagine this. I have quite a big family. The people who have to deal with younger DC/are sorting out stuff in the kitchen, get food put on their plates by the others who are sitting at the table, then everyone waits until all have sat down.

In my own house, no one starts eating until everyone is sitting down. I did this otherwise I would be doing stuff in the kitchen and everyone else would be scoffing and I'd in effect be eating on my own.

I can sympathise. When I go to PIL and they are cooking dinner, they don't actually increase the amount of food being cooked. 3 tablespoons of peas isn't enough for 4 adults and a toddler! I was once provided with 1 slice of beef, 3 roast potatoes (very, very small), 1 broccoli floret, a teaspoon of peas, 1 tablespoon of swede and 4 slices of carrots. It was enough or a toddler/small child but not for a grown adult.
One day when she decided to cook chicken, jacket potatoes and salad, we all got 2 MOUTHFULS of chicken, a jacket each (fair enough!) but she provided only 4 lettuce leaves, 4 cherry tomatoes cut up, 6 slices of cucumber but loads of chips and bread - a bit carb heavy!
They are elderly and don't eat a lot themselves but 'forget' that when their son, DIL and grandson are invited to eat, that we actually eat 'normal' size portions! No wonder we're starving by the time we get home.

My MIL doesn't cook enough when we visit, yet she remembers fondly how DH used to eat huge amounts as a teenager, not considering that DS(16) is at the same stage!

sometimes, yes I would plate food up for anyone that wanted or needed me to. If parents of a six week bf baby and toddler came over for a group meal , I'd check with them before sitting down. I'd be more than happy to fit dinner around them.

My family meal is about 20 people; us (3), my parents, siblings and all the DC (adding immediate in laws would be 26) . We don't have enough places at the table and so do two sittings for a roast. There is loads and extra fresh things for the second sitting. I make sure there is plenty for all and leftovers. Even so, new mothers are treated like royalty in Marceline Towers. I'm also happy to accommodate fussy eaters and special requests and new friends (dsis fosters). I have a dn that doesn't like to eat in a large group. I'm happy to plate up for him and let him eat as and when he is comfortable.

Dh is an 'eat it as soon as you are served' kind of person. I like to wait until everyone is served. People tend to start and this is hard when you have big eaters in terms of running out. More the merrier, even if it means frozen roast potatoes / parsnips and bisto gravy to bulk it all out. In this circumstance I'd plate up individually and put extras in the middle. I'd also have the desserts or cakes on show so people know there is lots more on offer.

OP, could you say to your DDad next time, "I noticed the broccoli ran out last time we all got together before it got to our end - how about we help out and bring a vegetable dish?" Might be a tactful way of raising it, as well as a way to contribute if you can't host at the moment? We do this when we go to my DMIL's, just because it's expensive and a lot of work to be catering for large groups, and she's able to tell us what it would be helpful for us to bring so she can plan for it.

Oh dear, reminds me of my then MIL (my first marriage). I was just 20 and dreaded staying with the inlaws because I was always famished, as was my husband. Six of us for lunch - ILs, BIL and SIL, husband and me. MIL, bless her, would dig out three small potatoes, hum and ha while she worked out the maths, then cut each potatoe in two ... six tiny bits of potato for six grownup people equals one tiny bit of roast potato each!

She also had a thing about 'good nourishing soup'. This involved throwing any old bones (usually chicken) in the pressure cooker and cooking it until there'd be half an inch of slimy, oily gunk in the bottom of the cooker, which she'd then dole out into soup plates - about a dessertspoonful each, while exhorting us to eat it up because it was so NOURISHING! Noseasoning, no flavouring, no added veg, no bloody anything. It was vile.

My second husband had a horrid habit as he carved the joint for Sunday lunch. Never mind the watching guests, he'd carve one bit, then the next bit he carved he'd eat straight off the carving fork. I reckon half the joint went into his gob before the rest of us got our portions.

Ah, I feel better knowing there are others out there . You're right. Next time I will just say "are there any more parsnips dad?". It's not that hard to do .

I'm not sure there's anything I can do about the others all starting to tuck in but then perhaps that's not an issue (it doesn't seem to be for some, anyway.) I do like the idea that if it's less than 7 you wait!

Next time I'd ask your dad to plate up your plate for you as you can't and dh is busy sorting out your ds. You can make a joke of how some things never change and that you bet that when you were as small as ds henevr thought that in (20? 30?) years time you'd still be getting a plate of food for you!

And as you're breastfeeding you'll obviously need an extra parsnip/[insert favourite things here] as they are very very good for bf. When I was bf, especially in the early days, it was an amazing coincidence that all my favourite foods were really good things to eat lots of when bf . Nobody ever dared challenge me on it other than my mother asking about chocolate - to which a 'oh but it's dark chocolate, lots of very good things in dark chocolate' was enough to dismiss her worries!

And if it's your dad doing it, maybe he'll realise himself that there isn't quite enough of everything.

It's lovely to provide take home meals for your gm - but it shouldn't be at the expense of people at the table going hungry. If it's that important then they could have used some from her portions and then added something to it afterwards - so if there wasn't any broccoli they could have added frozen peas instead. Not difficult, perfectly acceptable and much better than guests being hungry.

Just try saying "Is there any more broccoli, I haven't got any yet and the dish is empty already" and "are there any more parsnips because DH didn't get any before these all went" etc so they realise that everything has been taken before you got a chance.

But do make the point that you're not asking for more than you've already had, you're asking for more because you haven't had any at all.

No broccoli smileys but here have and

As others have said, get your dh to plate up for you all at the start of the meal and if the 2 yr old is hungry/grumpy then bring a little healthy snack that he can eat whilst waiting. Not large enough to spoil his appetite but enough to stop him griping.

I think lots of families forget eating etiquette when at home so try not to be too upset that they all start without you. In fact, even at external events, I've now lost count of the number times people start to eat as soon as the meal is served and don't wait for the rest of the table. I would always wait but life is too short to get stressed about it or, in your case, to go hungry because of it!

I don't think YABU, but I would speak up if there was nothing left once the others have helped themselves. The others around the table were BU to snaffle all the food and not think about ensuring there was enough for everyone. That's just good manners.

We had a big family lunch yesterday and I cooked. I always plate meat and anything which is individual, such as baked potato, Yorkshire pudding, etc. in the kitchen, then all the veg is in serving dishes on the dining table and everyone helps themselves. There is usually extra in the kitchen, but I always let people know if what is on the table is all there is so they don't go mad and leave someone else without.

I then keep on eye on what is going on and how much people are eating and offer more meat, top up serving dishes, etc as the meal progresses. Usually DP and DBIL eat loads more than everyone else, but I always start off giving everyone similar sized servings and they get more if they want it a little later. I also make sure my little niece and nephew get their food first.

Some people are total gannets though - once cooked a massive NYE dinner for 12 and some of the group just piled their plates up with no regard for leaving enough for everyone else to have some. I think they just assumed there was more in the kitchen. Rude.

Thanks, really useful ideas and kind replies for my newborn-hazed mind .

You're all giving me ideas of how to do it when I do eventually host in our new house (eventually... Not much luck there!).