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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited for lunch but then...

82 replies

Oodfanjo · 09/03/2014 18:00

DH and I have DC aged 2 and 6w. We were invited to my Ddad's for Sunday lunch, which we've done many times before. There was my DGM, Ddad's DP, and three other adults (so 8 adults and a 2yo eating.)

We were sorting the kids out at the table whilst everyone was dishing up. I was bf DC2 at the table, DH was helping DS with his lunch- serving/chopping up. Everyone else served themselves and started tucking in. This ALWAYS happens. DH served mine and then his (as I was bf it was a bit tricky juggling gravy etc!). When he went to serve his there was plenty there for him but not of everything, eg. All the broccoli had gone, all the parsnips etc, only a little mashed potato. I could tell DH wasn't too chuffed (he'd given me the bits that were left first, bless him!).

Anyway, I thought it was a bit off that there wasn't quite enough of everything but overall there was enough food for us, if that makes sense. Anyway, as we were leaving I saw boxes of food in the kitchen - for my DGM to take home for later/tomorrow. I know my DGM is older but she is fit, well, healthy etc and gets out and about every day etc. So firstly, AIBU that there was more food (ie the stuff that DH lacked) but it was kept back? And secondly, AIBU to be pissed off that every single fucking time we eat there everyone helps themselves and starts digging in before we've even started dishing up our own meal? And before you ask, no, I haven't said anything and I doubt I ever will because it has always been like this, even before my DM died.

OP posts:
BonaDea · 09/03/2014 18:33

I wouldn't assume anyone is being rude or thoughtless just that in the bustle of quite a large gathering the hosts haven't noticed. I'd just pipe up next time. Surely a simple 'ooh - is there any more of the lovely broccoli' type comment would help.

Mintyy · 09/03/2014 18:33

I really think its easier to feed the baby before or after your own meal, if at all possible.

VelvetSpoon · 09/03/2014 18:42

I don't understand why your DH doesn't serve the food for you, him, and your DS first, and then start cutting it up for him? Take very little longer to dish up 3 plates than 1, I'm sure your DS could wait an extra minute for his food.

If you're not putting food on your plates when everyone else is perhaps they assume you're not having any, so help themselves to extra/seconds?

Also, if despite the above there still isn't enough food to go round, why don't you ask for more? There's no way I'd sit at a family dinner with a half empty plate!

skittycat · 09/03/2014 18:42

If you have said nothing about it then YABU.

I also see no reason for other people to wait whilst you stop breast feeding and sorting out your other child before eating... How do they know whether it will take you 2 mins or 20? Either way, would it not be easier to breast feed baby before dinner so that you are able to get your own meal aswell?

Your DH is doing it the wrong way round. Get him to make sure he has served all of your meals first before sorting out cutting up the meal. Your 2 year old is not going to starve if he doesn't get his meal the instant it hits the plate.

Also - perhaps your dad thinks he is getting the amount of food right ... Could you not casually just mention there needs to be more of certain things... Say that you loved the mash potato or whatever but would have loved to have a bit more etc.

LaGuardia · 09/03/2014 18:44

I am with the 'grow up yabu' contingent.

ikeaismylocal · 09/03/2014 18:50

Yabu, if all the food had gone you would have a point but it is pretty normal for something yorkshire puddings to run out in our house. The younger members of the family have been known to make a fuss but not anyone over the age of about 6.

The meals made up for your grandma had probably been dished up earlier and I wouldn't think of going and picking through food intended for an elderly relative to give a bit of broccoli to a fully grown man.

I would suggest that next time you are invited you say oh yes, sunday lunch what a great idea, I'd love it if you all came over to our home and we will cook.

We have a rule in our family

winklewoman · 09/03/2014 18:55

Why not BF and settle DS at the table earlier?

MadAsFish · 09/03/2014 19:01

I hardly think paying has anything to do with it - you don't pitch in for family meals at home, surely?
And I think it's plain bad manners to leave some people with nothing, though I'm not sure there's much you can do about it.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 09/03/2014 19:06

I could not time breast feeding very well as bf on demand kind of meant it was on the baby's time, especially at 6 weeks old.

However, I do think cutting up your older child food and only then going to get your own is a bit silly given the gannet-type serving methods.

Have you ever said anything? Why does this happen? Can you say something?

Original poster
Oodfanjo · 09/03/2014 19:07

Thanks for your responses Smile

In case it's relevant - the other three adults were dad's gf's family and so I didn't want to come across as rude as to bring anything up at the time if that makes sense.

I had been BF DC2 before (and after) and was during the meal as she's been feeding pretty much constantly Grin. I certainly don't expect anyone to wait for her or anything Wink. And I don't mind feeding her whilst I'm eating either, just the logistics are awkward.

DS is only just two, and a very young two! He didn't need help eating but it was much later than his usual lunch time so DH was helping him to curb the whinging and keep the atmosphere pleasant Wink.

But, yes, I accept IABU about keeping the spare food for DGM (late DM's DM).

I would love to host lunch (even having had two under two) but we can't even fit four people around our table in our tiny kitchen Sad.

I haven't said anything about this to DDad because he's sensitive and would be upset and that's the las thing I would want.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2014 19:08

This whole non-issue could be solved by you. Dish up before you cut up . that's really obvious isn't it?
Also I find it odd that you bf at the dinner table when everyone else is just dishing up their food. Are you expecting them to wait for your baby to finish?!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2014 19:12

Ah cross posts, scratch the baby comments!
If they're always hosting, and the favour is never returned, I would be grateful for whatever I got.

LynetteScavo · 09/03/2014 19:12

It's very rude of the them not to serve guests first, before helping themselves. Shock

It's food kept back has nothing to do with it.

ImperialBlether · 09/03/2014 19:13

Clearly she isn't waiting for them to wait for her baby to finish, arethereanyleftatall. Her husband gets their son sorted and by then there's no food left because everyone else has grabbed it.

MooncupGoddess · 09/03/2014 19:15

When there are lots of people for lunch then waiting for everyone to be served everything before anyone starts eating just means you all sit round like lemons for ages while the food gets cold. So I wouldn't have a problem with that.

But the hosts should be more considerate in making sure there's enough for everyone, and given that they're family you wouldn't be at all unreasonable to enquire pointedly if anyone has any parsnips going spare.

MaryWestmacott · 09/03/2014 19:15

Dish up first, then cut. If there's none left of one thing, like the broccoli - just politely say, "oh dad, DH doesn't have any broccoli, is there any more in the kitchen?" With a nice smile.

Glasshammer · 09/03/2014 19:15

I don't think it's a normal situation and wouldn't happen in our house. Everyone would have had a plate made up at the same time and portions would have been rejigger to ensure everyone got some of everything.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 09/03/2014 19:15

Family style serving only works if there is an abundance of everything. If I am short of Yorkshires, I plate that up with meat. I'm happy for people to take leftovers but everyone at the table should eat first. I'd also offer to plate up for anyone that was too busy to sit down.

They sound rude. You need to be more direct or not go.

Oblomov · 09/03/2014 19:16

Can't believe you haven't said something. Why not?

Original poster
Oodfanjo · 09/03/2014 19:20

Imperial's right. I don't expect people to wait for the baby as we'd still be waiting the amount she's fed today Grin

Of course I'm grateful arethere - a meal prepared when having a newborn is always great Grin and I am appreciative and thankful. It's always the way things have been. I remember DM finishing off making gravy in the kitchen and getting the last of the Yorkshire Puds ready whilst DGD etc are happily tucking in and she was running round like a blue-arsed fly (as she used to say!).

We really can't return the favour and host at ours. We have tiny house. We are trying to move though and will certainly be hosting when we do. We have taken people out for lunch before instead though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodfanjo · 09/03/2014 19:23

oblomov because it would feel weird after all this time, I guess? Probably because I'm a coward! But also because I'm immensely grateful to be fed and don't want to complain (so I do it on here instead). And because DDad is so sensitive and he'd implode into a puddle if criticised.

OP posts:
HadABadDay2014 · 09/03/2014 19:29

I bet it's hard having your dad's new partner and family around, perhaps your dad isn't used to cooking for 3 extra people. Saying something may make him realise that the portions need to be more.

sooperdooper · 09/03/2014 19:31

What a complete non issue, get your DH to plate up all your dinners at the same time before cutting up your dcs dinner, that's just basic common sense!

How can this 'always happen' with breast feeding just as dinner is served if you're feeding on demand? Seems a strange coincidence tbh

As for food being boxed up, unless there was a tiny amount on offer I think it's none of your business if they decide to make extra portions for tomorrow

sooperdooper · 09/03/2014 19:36

Even if you can't host why don't you offer to buy the food and cook another time?

Original poster
Oodfanjo · 09/03/2014 19:39

No coincidence?! I mean that people always start eating before everyone's served, not that I'm always breastfeeding (thought that would be true at the moment and has been many times over the last two years!).

OP posts:
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