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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if others have struggled not having family help with child are bad has this affected relationship with dh?

27 replies

sugar4eva · 09/03/2014 10:16

My dc are teens now . We are actually going away next week for a birthday treat! Made me think that to some this is the norm .was at party last night and a friend has been offered job but can't work out how will manage it as her dc is in a country school a few miles from home no bus and her job wd be an hour away .
We didn't have a night without kids for 9 years
It has struck me that is a huge thing for us to leave out
R teens as we are so unused t o it my frond is having dd and she has regular whole weeks with her dh as two sets of willing g p . I feel indebted to my pal and a bit guilty. Our ds will be alone at 17 and I worry he will be lonely ! Think of him I. House by self.
I want to go but I feel wobbly re this too My dh and I will benefit from this time I know , but I'm still a bit ambivilent.
It's made me think what it may beige to have supportive and willing relatives .nade me also think of how intensive parenting can be and if its affected others in similar situation !

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 09/03/2014 10:20

I have noone to have my DC apart from myself and DP.

It is hard sometimes. My friend was saying yesterday that her mum refused to have her DC so she could have some time with her husband. I offered an exchange of children and she declined due to my DDs behaviour, which is fair enough. BUT we have no time to ourselves as a couple.

I get time out, in that I go away during the week and abandon my family and DP goes and plays rugby on Saturday afternoons, but it is not the same as doing things together.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2014 10:27

YABU You made the choices to not leave the house for nine years. You're suggesting your 17yo will be all sad and lonely at home without you. You've chosen to make your whole family dynamic extremely dependent and I don't think that would be any different if you had family nearby. I'm a lone parent 200 miles from family... I get out without DC from time to time.

If you want something badly enough, you'll find a way to do it. You haven't wanted to do it so far, that's all.

Original poster

sugar4eva · 09/03/2014 10:28

Ps so sorry terrible typing ! Did not have my specs on - guessing what I typed virtually !

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Dahlen · 09/03/2014 12:05

I'm the same as Cogito. LP with no family. I get out without DC at least once a fortnight on top of the childcare I need for work. Admittedly it costs me financially, but I made that a priority and as I don't smoke, drink only in moderation and hate any form of retail therapy unless it involves DIY stores, I make it affordable.

I didn't go out at all for the first 18 months of being a LP because I was so broke I could barely eat. All my money went on work-related childcare. I had friends who would have babysat, but seeing as I had no money to go out with, I first socialised at home by having their friends (and their DC) over. As DC got older and childcare costs reduced, I was able to really expand my interests and social life. I did this on an income way below national average income, even including top-up benefits.

It really is about priorities.

BumpyGrindy · 09/03/2014 12:09

We've had no help either OP. Some people don't know they're born! We never go out as my Mum won't babysit and DH's lives abroad. We do have a couple who are our friends and they have small DC too....we have mass sleepovers but it's not the same as being child-free for a night is it?

cory · 09/03/2014 12:10

I think I'm with Cogito on this one; if you had really wanted to you would have made it happen.

But it's not too late.

We have never had family living nearby, dd has been in poor health so difficult to leave with other people for much of her childhood. Doesn't mean we can't leave her now that she is 17 (and much improved).

An important part of raising teenagers imo is training them, in baby steps, to become independent. If they go away to university at 19, they will be alone for much of the time (and may well be lonely). Letting them experience that beforehand in a safe context (parents away for a weekend but coming back) is not doing them a disservice. If you worry about him being lonely now, how will you feel about him being alone in a strange town, maybe hundreds of miles from you, in a little over a year?

Fifyfomum · 09/03/2014 12:14

We have nobody, just is and the two DC's, they are little now but I intend on using babysitters once every month or two depending on how much money we have spare!

Right now we have no spare money, but we have kids that sleep all night and we occasionally get a bottle of wine and have a night in with good food and a film.

I'll be leaving them alone for the evening as soon as possible though, when the eldest is 14 depending on the age of the youngest

Namechangeforamo · 09/03/2014 12:35

We have grand parents who always helped out for the day time babysitting. For evening time babysitting we rarely asked them as they did do much during the day. We have 5 dc and worked out lots of scenarios over the years so we could get out. We have paid babysitters, like daughter of a neighbour, one of the classroom assistants at dc school sat for us quite a few times & we obviously paid her. We have swapped with friends and my dsis, eg we minded their children to allow them out & then they did us. We dont go out all the time, but definitely once every 4-6 weeks.

hoppingElephant · 09/03/2014 12:39

I'm a lone parent with no family help as well. I pay for a cm so I can work, I get about an hour a day to myself (9pm to 10pm) I would probably enjoy an evening out or day out alone but it's not going to happen so I'm not worrying about it :-)

Original poster

sugar4eva · 09/03/2014 12:40

Cory good point ! I agree : it's just that we have had so little opportunity that its quite new to me and him and I do think its good for him .

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mrsjay · 09/03/2014 12:42

I didnt have any help with my children when they were little it was a bit of a struggle we did pay ababy sitter sometimes but the girl grew up and found the pub my parents worked full time,
why would your son be lonely so what if he is he can amuse himself bet he will love the peace and quiet tbh, we left dd1 at 17 to go on holiday she was fine and I dont think she was that lonely, we have also left them both to have weekends away dd1 was here for dd2 it has been great for us now the dd are older and not around as much just go to your thing your son will be grown left home with his own life very soon you can't keep putting your life on hold incase they need you,

Original poster

sugar4eva · 09/03/2014 12:43

Cog we left the house in nine years we just didn't have a night away.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2014 12:49

You could have had a night away if you'd really wanted to have one. Few of us don't have opportunities just fall off a tree.... we have to consciously make them happen. Is you DS really untrustworthy that you feel wobbly about leaving him alone? Or is it your insecurity that's holding you back.... again?

Ragwort · 09/03/2014 13:00

We had no family locally but I always arranged sleepovers with friends from when my DS was about 3 - he loved going to friends' houses and the friends were happy to come to us - it meant no one had to pay for a babysitter and the parents got a lie in .

As others have said, you have to make these opportunities. Also things like Beaver/Cub camps - school trips etc - most children have the chance to go away for a night or two. .

Original poster

sugar4eva · 09/03/2014 13:43

Cog it's not insecurity that he'd us back . It's that I didn't feel I could ask . I did ask one friend and she would only have the ds . Not dd as she had a single dd. most folk want to take one or two of same sex . I realise that I've not felt that I can ask ! Also my ds is not badly behaved! . I trust him .we have had teen parties at our house and slept nearby or been in . Some parents wdnt take that risk tho some do ; but parents were pretty pleased it was at our home not theirs to be honest and said so. I realise maybe I've not tried hard enough due to struggling to ask as all our friend s have relatives and therefore don't need us to swap sleepovers / reciprocate so I feel uncomfortable taking but not giving. ...I think people with family not understand how difficult it can be . If I had one ds it may have been easier . But I acknowledge I did not try all the time to get break as needed two diff families one to take dd one to take Xsans my family who live away don't offer and when I have asked I've had responses like when they are older. Then we don't always want kids around . It does not inspire confidence when gp a clearly see it as a no no . Not that I expected it : more that I'm explaining situation. We ended up paying a older teen to stay the night but it was costly .

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Original poster

sugar4eva · 09/03/2014 13:51

Ragwort yes oourse they have been on school trips but never at same time and when one was away the other rished bei g an only child for once .maybe people think if I only had one child at home that they shod t have this time and I should have put myself first but the trips were always in the week so sleepovers for other chd would have had to been on a sho night..

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Original poster

sugar4eva · 09/03/2014 13:54

Sorry typed with no specs on. Meant they relished bei g and only child for once having time with parent with no sibling : taken out for a treat etc. I meant that school trips were always mid week and I assumed people do not want sleepovers on a sho night.

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Original poster

sugar4eva · 09/03/2014 13:57

Cog ; to call me insecure is not very pleasant of you is it?

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Oblomov · 09/03/2014 14:28

I too don't like these martyr type posts.
Of course you could have gone. Could have saved. Then got one if these sitter agencies, to do an overnight, or even a long weekend. Expensive , but you could have done it, if you'd really wanted.

I have no help. On a day to day basis. I pay after school clubs and holiday clubs.
I pay babysitters all the time.
So dh and I can go out for the evening.
My lovely sil had them for a long weekend once. Was fab.

Your excuses are very weak and not convincing.

Fifyfomum · 09/03/2014 14:34

Why did you not just pay a babysitter?

Original poster

sugar4eva · 09/03/2014 14:34

Obl - I don't think that sitter agencies exit everywhere! And I don't have a relative available .

OP posts:

Oblomov · 09/03/2014 14:38

Oh well then. You seem to have every possible answer answer for why this had been impossible.

That's funny. Because many other people , with no family support, have managed it.
I have seen many threads saying so.

Fancy that!! They must have been some sort if dynamo !!! Not!!

PortofinoRevisited · 09/03/2014 14:42

I have lived abroad for most of dd's life and never had family nearby before. I got a babysitter! When she got bigger there were sleepovers and holiday clubs. My now 10 yo is off to the Belgian coast for a week at Easter. She loves it. Kids need to learn independance from their parents slowly but surely.

PortofinoRevisited · 09/03/2014 14:44

Are there no neighbours/local students who would babysit? Though I am a bit bemused, as I was babysitting myself for years at that age, and had friend's younger teenagers babysitting dd when she was small.

Original poster

sugar4eva · 09/03/2014 14:49

Yes Porto my dc did have school trips but that meant I still had a other child I have two not one child. Yes friends and teens babysat : I'm talking about a night away or a holiday not nights out- we do that loads of late. People think may e I have been talking about nights out - I'm not .

OP posts:

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