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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work colleague issues

25 replies

courtrai · 08/03/2014 22:47

Newbie here so pls bear with my ramblings....

DH owns small, service related business. I work ft elsewhere and do honestly try and be as supportive as I can running house and 2 kids. We had huge blow up last yr about his team building nights out; all staff u25 and he only man (43) basically takes out and gets them drunk. I'm not party to this as not 'team'. I do have issue with this and we argued all out last yr. I thought sorted but now happened again. Knowing how sh*t it makes me feel I wouldn't dream of treating him this way and if I did I certainly wouldn't expect him to tolerate it. His arguement is it's for business and I'm out of line? Am I? I'm not sure anymore.

I feel like laughing stock for all concerned. Advice appreciated xx

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 08/03/2014 22:50

Do you have reason not to trust him? I don't see any problem with his work nights out, it seems a great thing to do for his employees. Can you explain a bit more about why it bothers you?

hamptoncourt · 08/03/2014 22:52

What do you mean? He takes them all out and they all get bladdered. Sounds fairly pathetic but standard to me.

What is your objection? The drunkenness? Does he pay for everyone? Do you think he flirts with them? Shags them?

They probably all think he is a silly middle aged man and are not remotely interested in him other than sucking up to him as he is the boss don't you think?

Has something happened to make you mistrust him? Why do you feel like a laughing stock?

BumpyGrindy · 08/03/2014 22:52

What is the industry? It matters. If he runs a cleaning business then he needs to employ some more senior women in my opinion..

ThisIsMyRealName · 08/03/2014 22:55

ALL his staff are female and under 25?

How many members of staff are there? Is his business in an area thats normally dominated by young people/females? Do his employees generally stay at the company a long time? How often are the nights out?

Depends on a lot of things whether it would bother me.

Original poster
courtrai · 08/03/2014 23:01

I'm fairly sure they do think sad old man. I just feel like being tken for mug. Yes all paid for by him. I guess I just feel like the old fishwife nagging at home. I thought all sorted but apparently not and erroding if confidence rapidly. I hear mostly from them rather than him which makes me feel he knows I'm p*ssed off.

OP posts:
BumpyGrindy · 08/03/2014 23:05

Is it some sort of entertainment business op? In your shoes I wouldn;t be friends with the staff on facebook or whatever means they have of letting you know about their nights out. They're not your friends but your husband's staff. In your shoes I would ask my DH to pay for them to have a night out...he shouldn't really be with them...he's too old and it's a bit odd.

hamptoncourt · 08/03/2014 23:06

OP you are still not really explaining to us what the problem is? Is it the money? Or do you have trust issues?

Original poster
courtrai · 08/03/2014 23:10

I guess I just feel crap that he'd rather take out bunch of young women than his wife. I have no idea what night out entails as other than casual comments I've never been invited. Obvs I realise ego wise he'd rather be out with younger women but still it's hurtful. He cannot see what my issue is and now I'm wondering if there even is one

OP posts:
BumpyGrindy · 08/03/2014 23:12

That is bullshit OP "Ego wise he'd rather be out with young women." That's not something ALL men have...my DH wouldn't for instance. He'd rather be out with intelligent and stimulating people never mind their age or sex.

Can't you stand up to your DH and tell him!? Why don't you ever go out with him as a couple? Not on his work do's but generally? And as I said before I would tell him to stop going with them...he's probably making a fool of himself.

hamptoncourt · 08/03/2014 23:20

OP you are still drip feeding. How often are these nights out? Why do they upset you so much? Do you never go out as a couple?

Does he make you feel special and loved?

How is your relationship otherwise?

Has he ever given you any reason to doubt him?

Original poster
courtrai · 08/03/2014 23:45

On the whole things pretty good. I do try and inflict kids on grandparents where poss for night out. Normally try and not let niggles get to me but this seems to have hit raw nerve and can't explain why. Happening maybe every 2-3 months not every wk. I'm being a twat aren't i

OP posts:
BumpyGrindy · 09/03/2014 00:04

The only reason you are being a twat is because you are taking NOTHING on from people on this thread. They are saying you're not a twat but you do not acknowledge their advice nor answer the questions they've put to you in order to understand your situation better. Therefore you do sound a walkover and a moaner....read the posts OP...read them...digest them and then think of something to say that doesn't make you sound like a Martyr

Unexpected · 09/03/2014 00:10

What is this business and is it doing well? If it is successful, I think the idea of your husband taking his staff out once every three months is a good one, unless they are drinking all the profits. How do you know they all get drunk? Surely some of them at any given time are driving, pregnant or don't drink? If I were you I wouldn't even want to attend those evenings and I can understand why your husband would feel odd having you there supervising. It would be different if all partners were invited.

Original poster
courtrai · 09/03/2014 00:17

Message received bumpygrindy. I'm getting off my sorry arse and cracking on. Nothing worse than miserable mardy cow. I may not have have the figure I had when he met me but hey with a high Lycra content I can fake it. I think I need to chill and have a little fun for the 2 of us. We will have our own silly night out and when I'm suffering a 3 day hangover I will hold the MN advice board fully responsible!

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 09/03/2014 00:32

And make sure you get the equivalent nights out while he babysits!

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/03/2014 09:00

Why is he only employing young women? Age and gender discrimination could be a bigger issue than drunken nights out to be honest.

CloverHeart · 09/03/2014 09:54

What kind of business is he running that allows him to predominantly employ young women? I can only think it would be something beauty industry related, but even then there are a small proportion of males in industry..

Joysmum · 09/03/2014 09:57

The only way you aren't being unreasonable if if you and your DH don't get at least as many good nights out together as he does with his staff, and in addition you don't get as many good nights out yourself without him. That would be disparity and unfair.

feathermucker · 09/03/2014 10:13

What. Is. The. Business.

Thank you muchly Grin

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2014 10:22

Message received bumpygrindy

No. Don't think it was...

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2014 10:23

*The only way you aren't being unreasonable if if you and your DH don't get at least as many good nights out together as he does with his staff, and in addition you don't get as many good nights out yourself without him. That would be disparity and unfair.

Don't think the tit-for-tat thing is the issue here.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/03/2014 10:34

My boss does this. Most of employees are young women as thats nature of job.

He feels quite paternal to them and rolls his eyes at their antics. Im sure he doesn't enjoy work nights out.

I dont think you should worry.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/03/2014 10:35

I think it sounds like your self esteem is low.

Be kind to yourself.

It sucks sometimes not being under 25 but thats life.

Hope other posters can be kind to you too.

Allergictoironing · 09/03/2014 10:44

Courtrai you will get plenty of good sound advice here, but only if you answer the question that people ask.

You keep being asked what industry sector your DH is in. There's a reason for that, as in certain sectors it is the expectation that the boss takes his/her employees out occasionally, at the bosses expense. In other industry sectors this isn't very common at all. So to answer you question whether you need to be concerned about it then yes we need to know the sector.

we would love to help or advise you, but we can't without all the information!

Tobdoc · 09/03/2014 11:06

I am new to this too and have just read your message," the morning after the night before" when you posted it.Late at night and when a problem has happened again, things feel worse but as others suggested think about what's really happening and digest what others( including myself )are writing back to you with.
Simply- consider both the emotional and practical issues ie "How" you are feeling and the real question "Why" you are feeling these thoughts.Take a step backwards and think like an employer and an employee.As an employer your husband needs to be aware that calling a night out "a teambuilding exercise" means work ie paying the employees for the time teambuilding and that lavishing gifts such as alcohol and food counts as a taxable benefit to his employees if they earn above a certain threshold( see HMRCguidance on gifts and parties-or he can check with his accountant!!).As an employee you may consider your employer to be incredibly generous to fund part of your social life but it may also be the only way for his employees to get together ( or escape ).As an employer on a work related do he could be deemed responsible for his employees during work related events and even at parties if there is any problems eg sexual harrassment claims et in the future.I am not a lawyer of an accountant ,just another netmum who hopes that you are ok and that you can sort this out.Life is alwsys so much easier when you are not going through things yourself.

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