To wonder how many are trying to keep up with the Joneses

[Coffeeinthepark]

I realise I've spent a crazy amount of time lately thinking about parts of my house that need improving. I've got a slightly dated kitchen, not my choice of colour but objectively 99% of the world's population would be very grateful for it and my own grandmothers could not have imagined such luxuries.

Problem is, all around me, people are redoing their kitchens and of course the nicer they become, the worse mine looks to me by comparison.

But new kitchens cost a lot of money and that comes at a cost of longer hours, more years working etc. I see a lot of families, including mine, working hard to do their houses up but I think it is a huge collective action problem of conspicuous consumption fed by beautiful interior magazines. Maybe I will do my kitchen and maybe it will make someone else feel worse about theirs in turn.

AIBU to think I should fight my desire for the dream kitchen?

I wish I did'nt care about the state of my house but I do-I absolutely hate it. It is falling to bits,literally. We got the bathroom done last year but were ripped off and its now going to shit.

My kitchen must be 30 years old-no doors,faulty electrics etc.Hall and bedroom carpet are 20 years old and minging. There is vile artex everywhere-hate it,hate it,hate it! I have good friends who I have been friends with for years who have never been to my home because I am so embaressed.

A lot of this is our own fault though as we are both very bad with money,useless at diy and with dh everything is manana. We also have 3 dcs of mixed gender sharing a room

Please someone tell me how I learn how to not give a fuck?

This is a really interesting thread for me as I am currently obsessing about doing up the house too. It is exhausting and there is always something else that needs doing! However the house hasn't been touched for about 12 years and has things I really can't stand like grotty net curtains and dingy carpets, so I think it does need doing.

At the same time we have drifted in with a group who are really into subtle oneupmanship and have huge houses and live in a nicer area etc so we do sometimes feel like we need to upgrade, especially as we could afford to if we wanted to. We do have other friends who are happy with much less so can see it both ways.

I'm obsessing about doing a house too silver, but we're doing it because we love it on property section on MN obsessively
I think the problem comes when you start thinking 'I must have a Martin Moore kitchen and reclaimed parquet floors' because everyone else does.
We drive old, knackered cars because they don't matter to us.
Horses for courses.
We have some friends who are minted and some who are broke and I don't think we're judged.

You could have the faces of your cabinets removed & stripped/repainted.

We just got planning permission for a tiny extension/reconfiguration and of course I'm just losing all sense of proportion.

the joneses are so are so far over the horizon that I have not got a clue which way they have gone and I have given up trying to keep up.

woul dit help to send a photo of my kitchen, sure yourswill be wonderful in comparison. I also have two friends who whose kitches will make yours look positively stunning.

We bought a property to do up as DH is a DIY fiend. I didn't get the kitchen I really wanted, I got the best kitchen I could afford (which I am perfectly happy with). It's more important to me to clear the mortgage and not be saddled with additional debt repayments that stop us doing things we want.

I try not to think about it and am mostly pretty content. Our kitchen is 16 years old and is definitely looking a bit shabby but we live in a 400 year old house and somehow I think you can get away with things looking 'quirky' in a period property.

What bothers me more is the outside of the house which looks truly dreadful. It desperately needs painting but before anyone can paint half the windows need replacing as they are rotten and I just give up and go back inside at that point! It has absolutely bugger all to do with keeping up with the Jones but I will admit to being ashamed of the outside for my sake not anyone elses. It just looks so unloved and unkempt but it is a very much loved house so I feel I'm letting it down in a bizarre way.

It is all our fault though as we are not materialistic and put every spare bean of our money into holidays. I am travel mad and have children of 9 and twins of 11 whom I want to share great experiences with rather than material goods (children couldn't give a hoot about new kitchens I imagine on the whole).

We all have a finite amount of money and it's using it to an end that makes us feel best that is my goal not what other people perceive us to be. As another poster said up-thread (in far more straightened circumstances than us) that not having the money is quite liberating as you know you just can't have a new kitchen/car/handbag whatever sot that's that!

We have a house which we do constantly maintain. I don't give a stuff about the Joneses but I know that we will more than recoup the costs of our work when we sell. It adds value to the house. I couldn't afford an identikit £50k Hakker Kitchen. I don't think I can even spell it and my life is no worse for it.my mental state though is relatedd to having a pleasant environment to live in though.

Saying all that it must be much harder if you live in an area (like I imagine North London to be) where everyone is far more materialistic and competitive.

We live in an unfashionable rural area which is fairly affluent but definitely not competitive or showy. I would find that a very unedifying and depressing environment to live in.

I did rub down and repaint all my kitchen cupboards a couple of years ago which made a massive difference and only cost a hundred pounds or so for the paint! Hard work but literally transformed my kitchen.

Im living with the kitchen we 'inherited' with this house, we call it shabby chique . We bought more expensive paint that we would have done, treated ourselves! nice new blinds and a new cooker hood and it really feels like a new kitchen until the door fell off the other day new door handles from Homebase as well hey big spenders.

So damn happy we managed to buy a house together it could be a cardboard box in middle o' road as far as we are concerned. After living separately for 5 years, its nice to have a place to call our own.

I could give a shit about following others. I have a shit car and shit clothes and spend on what's important to me, nobody else.

*couldn't

The thing is my home is incredibly important to me but the standard I aspire to seems to rise inexorably over time, not because I think others will judge me but because most of us can't help but compare ourselves to those around us, at least for those things we care about.

There seems to be something had happens as income increases regardless of what others have - many years ago DH and I used to be perfectly happy with the cheapest bottle of sainsburys chilean Merlot on a Saturday night but over time we've gradually spent a little more on each bottle and sort of ruined our ability to drink the very cheap stuff, but we're no happier for it. We also used to be perfectly happy sharing one room in a house share.

I too get baffled when friends say they 'need' new kitchens etc and watching shows such as Wanted Down Under where families say 'oh no too small' or find fault with every little thing. I do feel under pressure to have the house half decent. Everyone conforms somewhat unless they don't have 3 piece suites, floor coverings etc but i don't compete not spend loads and am not materialistic but it seems many people are.

But we don't go inside people's houses and nose around, do we? I have a few friends close enough that I've seen their bedrooms/upstairs. Usually soon after they'd moved. They may well have had dozens of re decorations since then, he'll they might even have told me at length about them, but I have actually seen them again. It's usually a rushed chat in the kitchen or living room.

As for other people's houses (DC's friends), I've seen the porch or an overcrowded room when picking up from a birthday party. I had a friend who always posted photos if her house on FB. I've just unticked the option to see her posts.

So how many Joneses do others actually know so intimately?

What matters is that you like your kitchen and that it works for your family. I'm a good cook, fond of food, cooking and eating and I don't want a massive kitchen full of gadgets. My money goes on an expensive oven and hob and on great saucepans and knives. And really pretty plates, glasses and tableware. The rest doesn't need to be very expensive.

I used to have an absolutely enormous stunning kitchen which cost a lot of money but I am no less happy with my current normal kitchen which actually has a much nicer atmosphere and is more me

My XH is very preoccupied with how he appears to the world and fully buys into the status he feels his car and house confer on him. At one time he drove an Aston Martin but was still an unhappy angry man just with a fast car. I am grateful to be away from that

I am lucky that I have a nice home and as someone who grew up in a farly impoverished home I really appreciate and value my environment but only for what it means to me not what anyone else thinks.

A friend remarked to me the other day how well I have handled my coming down in the world post divorce and I wanted to try and explain that actually I have come up in it but I didn't bother !

Cheap red wine improves enormously if you let it breathe - we have bought various aerators to speed the process up they work very well and have saved us a fortune.

It's just stuff. I don't get it - as long as it works, who cares?

My friends have just spent thousands and thousands on a new kitchen and extension. It's lovely, certainly, but after a few glasses of wine recently she told me that when it boils down to it, it's now just a more stylish place for them to be unhappy in

I really could not give a shiny chrome shite about kitchens, bathrooms, cars or shoes. Consumerist bullshit, all of it.

Yanno you don't have to spend a fortune to replace a kitchen when you can spruce up the one you have. You can get sticky coverings for cupboards or just changing the handles can make a difference.

I don't really try to keep up with other people. I'm Into door murals and themes. Not the bog standard house that looks like it's in a magazine.

Bonsoir is right, rooms have to work whether they cost a lot or not.
My current kitchen just does not work as a kitchen.
The appliances are all in the wrong places - fridge freezer by the back door for example so it's hard to open and next to the oven so it gets too hot and the hob and oven are different sides and ends of the kitchen! No worktop space etc
The previous owner fitted it himself - badly.
My hope is that if we do it properly we it will last us years

I love retro.
Which is a bit of luck really....

Most of my friends have bigger better houses than me. I care not a jot I love them all for them not their houses and I hope they feel the same. It can all change in an instant too