How angry should I be?

[naughtylist]

My husband and I both work, earn a similar wage but like to keep our finances separate to avoid arguments. We tend to pay half towards bills, I keep child benefit and buy all the childrens clothes, shoes out of my budget. Fair enough.

I was struggling financially last month. Had a lot to pay out but I wanted to give the children a nice week off school because we have not been able to afford a holiday in over a year so set up a plan to take them somewhere each day whether it was the zoo, the cinema etc. Asked DH for some money towards all this. He gave me a tenner and said he couldn't afford anymore so basically I had to pay for everything. He was also really tight with food shopping, only giving me £30 pounds per week. Kids were begging to go to the theatre for a show in April and tickets were selling out, asked him for half and he said sorry but he couldn't afford it. I paid for them stupidly because they really wanted to go. It left me with a fiver to myself for the last 5 days of the month. Our house is also really in need of redecorating.

A new tablet arrived for DH today. He told me he used his chistmas money from his family that he had been saving and said he had got it on offer for £200. I found a document lying on the floor that he had obviously dropped. It was £400. I am quite upset that he has not provided barely anything for his children this month and lied blatantly. I have confronted him, he looked very embarrassed, said he was sorry but that he never buys himself anything. I have told him what I think of him but said I would agree to leave it at that. How would you react to this? I think it's the deceit that bothers me the most.

Nomana, it's not a barrier. It's a fair share of paying for shared responsibilities. And we do share possessions and money, by both paying proportionately for shared assets and responsibilities. And we both spend plenty on each other outside of that.

Just because you're married doesn't mean everything has to be joint. We're both still our own people with our own careers, etc.

And yes, nkf, kids just make the shared pot bigger and the higher earner should pay proportionately more into it.

If you want to keep your finances separate, fair enough. People should go for the system that works for them, not adopt 'one pot' because its the MN mantra thing to do. BUT your system seems unfair - what happens when your children are too old for CB, who pays for their stuff then?

If you don't want to change your current system too much, then just create an extra bank account for the DC, and each put the same amount (plus the CB) into that each month, so at least you are paying an equal share for your children. But tbh from what you've said, your DH's priorities need adjusting a bit. Nobody says adults aren't allowed to treat themselves, but children shouldn't have to go without to enable this. He could have got a great tablet for well under £200 and spend the other £200 on the kids.

The lying is also awful, and I don't blame you for being upset.

Surely the sensible thing to do is to put all money into a central account (both wages, CB, anything else such as tax credits tht might come in) then set up a standing order to each of your personal accounts for your own money.... your 'pocket money' if you like. That way, you don't have to agree on everything you spend on yourselves, but at least you know that the important things - main bills, food, dcs' needs, etc., are covered, before your 'pocket money' comes out.