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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How angry should I be?

78 replies

naughtylist · 06/03/2014 23:48

My husband and I both work, earn a similar wage but like to keep our finances separate to avoid arguments. We tend to pay half towards bills, I keep child benefit and buy all the childrens clothes, shoes out of my budget. Fair enough.

I was struggling financially last month. Had a lot to pay out but I wanted to give the children a nice week off school because we have not been able to afford a holiday in over a year so set up a plan to take them somewhere each day whether it was the zoo, the cinema etc. Asked DH for some money towards all this. He gave me a tenner and said he couldn't afford anymore so basically I had to pay for everything. He was also really tight with food shopping, only giving me £30 pounds per week. Kids were begging to go to the theatre for a show in April and tickets were selling out, asked him for half and he said sorry but he couldn't afford it. I paid for them stupidly because they really wanted to go. It left me with a fiver to myself for the last 5 days of the month. Our house is also really in need of redecorating.

A new tablet arrived for DH today. He told me he used his chistmas money from his family that he had been saving and said he had got it on offer for £200. I found a document lying on the floor that he had obviously dropped. It was £400. I am quite upset that he has not provided barely anything for his children this month and lied blatantly. I have confronted him, he looked very embarrassed, said he was sorry but that he never buys himself anything. I have told him what I think of him but said I would agree to leave it at that. How would you react to this? I think it's the deceit that bothers me the most.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/03/2014 15:48

Are the bracelets made of candy?

Nomama · 07/03/2014 15:53

Or....

the arrangement has worked well so far but this time, when asked, he had already spent his money on something else and was embarrassed.

Yes, be angry about the lie. But not the spending. Under your current rules he was perfectly entitled to spend his money on whatever he wants. You just had bad timing when you asked.

BUT now you can sit down and work it all out again. If he gets angry or refuses THEN you can call him all the name sunder the sun. At the moment he is just a bloke who bought himself a toy and got made to feel wrong about it!

FYO we have a joint account for bills and separate for spending. He works all over the place so I make sure he has a big balance in case he has to pay for something at work - hiring tools, plane tickets etc. But I have 100% access to all accounts and I juggle the money backwards and forwards. I never look past his balance, I don't want to know what he spends it on (especially when it comes to my pressies ), but I do make sure all 3 accounts are well fed - then I steal whatever is left for savings.

I hope you manage to get a good, grown up conversation about it. But don't be too angry with him - yet!

Supercosy · 07/03/2014 15:56

I'd be really angry.

As for 'going to shows and things' being about want rather than need, well, so's the tablet. Don't see why the man gets to have things he wants without any discussion but everyone else has to beg and plead for more than the absolute essentials.

I agree with Everythingcounts.

Thebluedog · 07/03/2014 15:59

The lying would really annoy me tbh. He's basically put his own financial wants in front of his DHs. It seems that he knew he was bin unreasonable otherwise why lie about how much it cost.

Sounds like you need a monthly pot where you put the same amount of money in for things like family days out etc.

Then whatever is left is your own.

ShabbyChic8 · 07/03/2014 16:10

Why does spending on your children come under your domain? Perhaps you need to both be putting into a shared pot for the kids. It's fine to save and spend on big purchases, we do that (DH plays golf so has to pay extortionate fees) however this money is saved from a monthly personal allowance, after all bills are paid and DD has everything she needs.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 07/03/2014 16:25

It doesn't matter whether you have one pot or separate, people can (and will, if that way inclined) be selfish either way. Is this a one off, or has he always been like this?

brdgrl · 07/03/2014 16:29

Even if I grasped this fundamental concept (I don't) all this 'it works for us, we have X account, X pocket money, we make sure we have the same spending money after bills and basics' uuhhh what in the heck is different about that than having one pot? With one joint account you pay basics and bills and both spend anything left over between you. You both spend the same amount, near enough, so it's fair. Well even then, we don't keep tabs. Some months I'm sure I spend loads more, others he does. I don't know nor care.

It is different from having one pot, for us, in two important ways. One, it helps each of us to budget. I know exactly what is coming in and going out. I find that helpful. Two, we don't have equally shared sources of income and expenditure. He receives a pension of which a portion is for the care of his older children. I have much greater earned income. It is all well and fine to say that you don't care and it should all be treated as one pot, but I can tell you, based on my own experience and second-hand knowledge, this is not nearly so clear-cut in some blended families.

*Is it about lack of trust (partner who selfishly overspends - therefore you've got more problems than how to best manage finances) or pettiness (you had £20 more than me this month) or begrudgery (

brdgrl · 07/03/2014 16:31

whatsthat said it much more succinctly!

whiteblossom · 07/03/2014 16:40

OMG!

I have to force my dh to spend some money on himself, he never buys anything and when he does he feels like he has to have a good reason to buy something and Im always the first to say if you want it buy it. He works bloody hard and to him, our ds and I always come first. He would never blow £400 without discussing it first, neither would I.

The fact that your dh lied says it all. I don't give a shit about his xmas money, his kids are on school hols and want to go out- fuck HIS xmas money!! what planet is he on. Thing is you coughed up and Im guessing its you that looked after them....

If he wanted a tablet so badly he should have discussed the when and how with you and not at the expence of your kids.

WooAGhostCat · 07/03/2014 16:47

Put a load of child friendly apps on his tablet and give it to the kids.
Selfish fuckwit.

Foodylicious · 07/03/2014 17:01

his Christmas money from his family how old is he?? really??

I would suggest agreeing an additional amount that you will both pay in to an account for stuff for the children & house. If there is any left over, every few months you could all do something together??

Nanny0gg · 07/03/2014 17:06

Overall I just cannot get my head round people, like posters on this thread, saying 'I asked him for more money at the end of the month for clothes/food/day out for kids/I had to lend him money and was not best pleased he had none left'...You are married... and you owe each other money? WTF.

This ^^

Also, the poster upthread who works part time, looks after the children, but her DP works harder so he deserves more money.

Really?

brighteyedbusytailed · 07/03/2014 17:07

I think you need another chat, I would stop doing anything for him until he takes his responsibilities seriously.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/03/2014 17:19

Its not just the deceit so please don't get hung up on that - this is a selfish git who is happy to deprive his kids for himself.

grovel · 07/03/2014 17:24

My only caveat about the general condemnation is that if you arrange your finances as OP/her DH do, then the DH was within his rights to buy the tablet unless he knew in advance that OP (and therefore kids) were going to strapped for cash (in which case he should of course have delayed his gratification).

RedFocus · 07/03/2014 17:55

Keeping finances separate is totally bonkers!
Give him the child benefit and tell him he's responsible for the kids now and go out and buy yourself a fancy dress and go out with the girls for the night! Or pool your finances, pay the bills and live like normal people.

scarletforya · 07/03/2014 18:01

Make him send the tablet back. Twat.

ModreB · 07/03/2014 18:05

DH and I have completely separate finances. We divide the bills so that we pay an equal amount, put in half to other joint things like kids expenses and activities, so if I spend £50 on the kids, DH give me £25. Everything else is our own. I have no idea how much DH earns, and he doesn't know how much I earn.

Its worked for us for nearly 30 years, so I agree with the OP that it is the lying that is the problem, not the arrangements.

Caitlin17 · 07/03/2014 21:04

ModreB we are exactly the same down to not knowing knowing what the other earns. It's probably roughly the same. In the past he earned more than me but I suspect I now earn more than him.

redskyatnight · 07/03/2014 21:13

really don't get the universal condemnation.

OP and her DH have the arrangement that they pay half each towards essential bills, and have the rest of their money to spend as they will.

OP spent the rest of her money as she wanted.
DH spent his money as he wanted.

OP chose to spend her money on non-essentials for the DC. That does not make her more worthy - it was her choice.

I would say she and DC need to agree what they each pay towards DH's expenses.

I don't believe OP can be cross with DH when he's only following their arrangement!

redskyatnight · 07/03/2014 21:14

... she and DH need to agree what they pay towards DC's expenses ...

Kelpie1975 · 08/03/2014 15:06

Keeping finances separate makes a lot of sense if incomes are unequal. Work out what the monthly household and childcare bills will be, and each contribute to a pot for those proportionate to what you earn. After that, each partner's spare cash is their own. No arguments.

Nomama · 08/03/2014 15:22

Does it, kelpie?

Married, with or without kids, and you keep/build a barrier between the two of you?

To me money earned within a marriage belongs to both of you equally. You get rid of arguments by discussing who spends what as and when it occurs, in the early years, until you get into the swing of it.

That has been the case for about 30 years. During that time both of us have been unemployed, at University, the lower income earner. None of which changed the division of our money.

Nothing I own is solely mine - OK there are things that he wouldn't want or leaves alone out of courtesy, and vice versa - everything we have is most definitely ours. Communal property and fully available to both of us. If we both want a thing at the same time, we talk about it and make a decision that best meets our joint needs.

I have no idea how you share your life, bed and body with someone you wouldn't share your possessions and money with!

OK - if one of you is a spendthrift maybe one has more 'charge' over money.... but I trained OH well in the early years

nkf · 08/03/2014 15:25

I think if you want to keep finances separate, costs for the kids should come out of the same pot.

nkf · 08/03/2014 15:27

I know the mantra on MN is one pot but some people make other arrangements work. And sometimes couples who share money can't agree and that causes rows. In my marriage, I wanted to set money aside for saving and he thought that was a risible aim. When things went tits up, I was very glad that I had some savings. But parents should share joint rsponsibility for the children.

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