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AIBU?

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Original poster

How angry should I be?

78 replies

naughtylist · 06/03/2014 23:48

My husband and I both work, earn a similar wage but like to keep our finances separate to avoid arguments. We tend to pay half towards bills, I keep child benefit and buy all the childrens clothes, shoes out of my budget. Fair enough.

I was struggling financially last month. Had a lot to pay out but I wanted to give the children a nice week off school because we have not been able to afford a holiday in over a year so set up a plan to take them somewhere each day whether it was the zoo, the cinema etc. Asked DH for some money towards all this. He gave me a tenner and said he couldn't afford anymore so basically I had to pay for everything. He was also really tight with food shopping, only giving me £30 pounds per week. Kids were begging to go to the theatre for a show in April and tickets were selling out, asked him for half and he said sorry but he couldn't afford it. I paid for them stupidly because they really wanted to go. It left me with a fiver to myself for the last 5 days of the month. Our house is also really in need of redecorating.

A new tablet arrived for DH today. He told me he used his chistmas money from his family that he had been saving and said he had got it on offer for £200. I found a document lying on the floor that he had obviously dropped. It was £400. I am quite upset that he has not provided barely anything for his children this month and lied blatantly. I have confronted him, he looked very embarrassed, said he was sorry but that he never buys himself anything. I have told him what I think of him but said I would agree to leave it at that. How would you react to this? I think it's the deceit that bothers me the most.

OP posts:
AgaPanthers · 07/03/2014 02:35

Who pays for food?

OliviaBenson · 07/03/2014 07:06

I think the food thing is a major issue too. Why on £30? How much is your food shop per week? I'd be very angry in your position op.

Joysmum · 07/03/2014 08:23

I'm only a joint account fan for bills. Each should pay into the bills account for necessities and household bills and the rest divided equally between personal accounts. Children's expenditure cones under household bills and should not be coming from personal accounts.

LIZS · 07/03/2014 08:28

So your salary effectively supports you and the children whereas his only pays for him Hmm . Think you need to have a joint a/c which you agree to dd a fixed amount into plus CB etc for communal expenses and children. Does he ever do a food shop ? Maybe show him a till receipt so eh can see just how little £30 buys or send him out with a list . However if collectively you can't afford to treat them every day for a week or buy theatre tickets then you need to be more restrained.

NoodleOodle · 07/03/2014 08:33

er, YANBU

expatinscotland · 07/03/2014 08:40

I would be fucking furious, but I would also never live this way with a spouse with whom I had children.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 07/03/2014 08:40

Why not have a joint account that you both pay a certain amount into each month for bills, food, clothes for the kids. And still keep your separate accounts.

youwish · 07/03/2014 08:47

Its a nor a healthy set up as other posters have said.children's clothes etc are paid by the child benefit you said,op?then maybe you are spending too much of it on clothes if you don't have enough for outing then.your dh lieing is unacceptable!I think you need to take a serious look at your finances.

Nataleejah · 07/03/2014 08:55

Wtf are those bracelets that give energy?????????

iamsoannoyed · 07/03/2014 09:03

I would be furious- not only did he lie to you, he also put his wants before his children and your wishes (not to mention breaching the agreement you had about how you'd finance your household expenditure).

I wouldn't run finances like this. That said, it's up to each couple to make decisions about how they choose to manage their finances- but this has to be acceptable to both parties and any agreements have to be stuck to for it to work.

Seems like you had an agreement, but he hasn't stuck to it. Only paying £30 per week for housekeeping and food for the family? Sounds like you don't split your responsibilities equally, with you bearing the brunt of the costs for your children and household, while he spends on luxuries for himself. Which is not on.

On that basis alone, I'd be angry and I wouldn't be letting it go yet- you need to talk about how you manage your finances and each of your responsibilities towards your household and your children. You need to come to some sort of agreement and he needs to understand why you've got a problem.

Frankly, I wouldn't be happy with a partner who saw our children as either mostly or totally my responsibility.

Silverfoxballs · 07/03/2014 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepoodle · 07/03/2014 09:04

We have separate finances but we work it this way. We have several joint accounts one for bills, one for food, one for savings and one for kids stuff (clothes, days out, uniforms) as well as our own accounts. We each put a set agreed amount in each account when we get paid leaving us both with the same amount of spending money. This way everything's covered, we don't have to ask each other for money. Food we would both put in £60 each a week but that covers cleaning stuff, toiletries too.

Tishtash12 · 07/03/2014 09:05

Hi, me and my partner have our separate accounts and we both split the bills equally, and if I have extra bills of my own I pay same as him, I like it this way, he does earn more than me but he works longer and I agree harder than me, I earn a pretty decent wage on my part time job but I look after little man so I choose to do what I want with him and I spend a lot of my money on ds but if I ask dp for money to take him out to do something he has no problems paying and if he did it would be fir a good reason, your partner needs to contribute more to the kids it shouldn't just be hard for you if he can make the load lighter he should, as for lying bout tablet no need to lie if he isn't hiding anything, also has he not explained when you have asked for money for kids why he doesn't have any? X

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/03/2014 09:06

Are they those elastic bands with pink sweets on?
That would give you energy.

redskyatnight · 07/03/2014 09:10

As others have said you need to have a separate account (or agree in advance how much you will both pay) which covers all bills, food and necessary stuff for the DC. Then you pay half each and anything left is yours to do with.
If you want to spend more on the DC than your DH, then it's a difficult one, but I would suggest coming to a sensible compromise (and then you have to accept that if you want to take them somewhere every day during half term it comes out of your money, not joint money).

Not having money for food now is ridiculous, but would have been avoided if you had clear financial discussions up front.

Your DH can spend his own money how he wants (and sounds like your setup is specifically to allow this). I've known documentation show full price when I've bought something cheap (has to show actual value) so he may not be lying about this.

brdgrl · 07/03/2014 14:00

Your DH can spend his own money how he wants
I'm not sure most people with children would agree with this statement.

Floggingmolly · 07/03/2014 14:07

How does keeping your finances separate avoid arguments? It's clearly not working Confused
How could it possibly be fair that all the kids expenses are down to you, in addition to half the bills?
If you've agreed to the current set up, he can spend what he likes on the tablet, really.
I wouldn't like the lying, but then I'd never have settled for a scenario like this in a million years.

brdgrl · 07/03/2014 14:18

OP, what do you think you guys would do if either of you lost your job or had an illness and had to take time out, or if something happened so that you were not working full-time? What about any other kind of financial crisis? Have you talked about how you'd pull together?

expatinscotland · 07/03/2014 14:47

'then your DH is not obliged to provide money for things like shows and days out every day of the half term just because you decide you want to do them.'

Why not? They are his children, too, what, so they don't get experiences like this because their dad is a selfish prick who'd prefer to spend the money on luxuries for himself? They are supposed to be sat at home during the holidays so Dad can treat himself?

deakymom · 07/03/2014 15:26

we have all our finances in one pot except the child benefit which is used for the children or if they dont need anything we save it

Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2014 15:32

There is nothing wrong with separate finances, we have because of my dreadful spending on myself. Dh gives me x amount per month and I get CB and DLA (for dd who has ASD). Dh takes care of all bills and I buy the food. Nothing wrong with that what ever works for you. Your dh should be contributing towards HiS kids and pay you x amount per month

Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2014 15:33

No DH cannot spend his money how he wants, he has children to provide for, they take priority!

RedandChecker · 07/03/2014 15:40

Me and DP don't have any joint accounts or anything. I get my money and he gets his. However, he earns a hell of a lot more than I do. I buy things for DS mostly because I enjoy it! He pays rent, council tax and food shopping - I pay the rest. If money is right for me he will help me out, if I asked for money to take DS out he wouldn't think twice about it, or if DS needed a new pair of school shoes and I had ran out of money he would happily help me out. That's how it should be, you can keep your money separate for Independancy that's fine but as a family when money ls
Tight or it comes down to the kids you help each other out. I think I would have reacted the way you have, I would be very disappointed but treat it as a mistake and hope he learns from it.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2014 15:44

He lied and spent £400 on himself that you could not afford, that money could have gone to his kids. Why are you solely responsible for providing for your children just because you get CB. It's not that much. What if tge food bill for the week is £100, he only providing £30 is not on, why should you only bear the brunt, seeing as you both earn similar amount!

Comeatmefam · 07/03/2014 15:46

After reading probably hundreds of threads on MN about marital finances over the years, I still don't get separate finances for couples with children.

Even if I grasped this fundamental concept (I don't) all this 'it works for us, we have X account, X pocket money, we make sure we have the same spending money after bills and basics' uuhhh what in the heck is different about that than having one pot? With one joint account you pay basics and bills and both spend anything left over between you. You both spend the same amount, near enough, so it's fair. Well even then, we don't keep tabs. Some months I'm sure I spend loads more, others he does. I don't know nor care.

Is it about lack of trust (partner who selfishly overspends - therefore you've got more problems than how to best manage finances) or pettiness (you had £20 more than me this month) or begrudgery (