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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that my friend has invited our other friend?

26 replies

candyapplecore · 06/03/2014 21:24

I'm very close with one woman and would call her my best friend (even though I don't like that term). We are part of a bigger friendship group and one of those women (friend B) is also very close to best friend (friend A)

It doesn't bother me in general - people can be friends with whoever they want. The only time it bothered me is when I used to go over to friend A's house every Thursday and friend B has invited herself (she is very forward) to be there every Thursday as well (she works abroad half the year every year which is why she only started doing this)

I never told friend A it bothered me, and it mainly bothered me because I talk about private things with friend A that I wouldn't want to share with anyone else and sometimes I'd just like to see my friend by myself.

Anyway for friend A's birthday (November) I took her out for lunch at a place she's wanted to go to for ages and she said she'd love to take me for my birthday. She has now organised this and invited friend B without saying anything to me.

I'd usually let something like this go but I feel friend B always has to be involved and I wouldn't care if friend A and B did something just them two. But I just feel like it's my birthday ...

Sorry to sound bratty and just to point out I'm probably not even going to mention anything let alone fall out with anyone. Just wondered if aibu to be annoyed?

OP posts:

Adeleh · 06/03/2014 21:27

No, you're not. I'd really mind that, though I probably wouldn't say anything either. Maybe it wouldn't hurt sometime to say to friend A that you really like friend B but that you love doing things just the two of you sometimes too.

TiramiSue · 06/03/2014 21:30

No you are not being bratty - this would really irritate me. I think you should have a quiet word with friend A. Just say you have nothing against B but just would like some of your get togethers to be just the two of you. Nothing unreasonable about that.

If she has a problem with that, then she is the one in the wrong, not you.

bonvivant · 06/03/2014 21:33

This is why I don't have many female friends - because female friendships are always soooo complicated!

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 06/03/2014 21:39

I wouldn't say it's a female thing, OH has had a similar issue recently, and these are all manly men. . .

It took a lot of coaching but he finally said to friend A actually I wanted to discuss X,Y,Z. I don't want to talk about it in front of friend B.

No feelings hurt, friend B was surprised, he hadn't realised.

It maybe that you're friend honestly doesn't know you're not happy.

CoffeeTea103 · 06/03/2014 22:00

Yanbu, but I think it's purely down to your friend not knowing how you feel about the other person. If she knew she probably wouldn't have invited her along.

HuntingforBunting · 06/03/2014 22:01

Sometimes you've just got to be upfront. Just say, would you mind, I was so looking forward to just seeing you...

Piggytastic · 06/03/2014 22:07

I think you should tell her that you'd like some quality time, so would prefer it to be just you two. It may be that she just doesn't want to leave anyone out, and doesn't realise how you feel. I'm sure it'll be fine!

2whippetsnobed · 06/03/2014 22:07

Perhaps friend A thinks you really like friend B too? Therefore it is a nice thing she is trying to do?

SinglePringle · 06/03/2014 22:14

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest - more the merrier. Friend A thinks you like Friend B and wants to get a nice group together for your birthday. She thinks she's doing a lovely thing.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/03/2014 22:15

OP, please don't say you want "quality time" with her.

You're not her toddler

mynewpassion · 06/03/2014 22:16

Yes it is your birthday but she's doing the inviting.

You should also say something about just getting together alone but I would not say anything about the birthday lunch.

BackforGood · 06/03/2014 22:18

I think YABU, purely because you haven't told friend A that you are irritated by the fact friendB has turned your get togethers into a three rather than the 2 of you meeting up. If friend A doesn't know you are unhappy with that arrangement then she'd think friendB coming along as well would be a nice thing.

As a general rule I would be annoyed if a friend I was meeting 1:1 then changed the deal and asked someone else without checking with me, but your situation is slightly different, because of you seeming happy with the arrangement.

Piggytastic · 06/03/2014 22:19

Rhonda what are your suggestions then?

Original poster

candyapplecore · 06/03/2014 23:14

OP, please don't say you want "quality time" with her.

You're not her toddler

Haha no, but surely it's not an odd thing to just sometimes want to spend time with just a good friend?

I think the dynamics change when you add someone else.

OP posts:

justmyview · 06/03/2014 23:43

Friend A can invite whoever she likes to her house on Thursdays

For your birthday, I think you should have input into who goes for a meal

LayMeDown · 06/03/2014 23:57

I think if you say something she going to think your a bit possessive and clingy.
She obviously doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about her since she's always inviting B along to everything. Maybe invite her to yours sometime so you can have her to yourself.

LayMeDown · 06/03/2014 23:57

You're not your

BlueSkySunnyDay · 07/03/2014 00:08

Some people like 1 - 1 friendships and some are "more the merrier" types who dont want to have indeep personal conversations. I'd say friend A prefers to be a "group" friend - I have certain friends I wouldnt want to be alone with because they are in unhealthy relationships and im sick of hearing about it if they are not going do anything about it.

The whole best friend and I dont want B to come all seems a bit teenagerish to me and reminds me why none of my friends know each other now, I used to get a lot of this.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 07/03/2014 00:09

I agree - if you want to be alone with her the best way is to invite her to your house, inviting B along would then be very rude. When she is doing the arranging/inviting then its really up to her who she invites.

EverythingCounts · 07/03/2014 00:17

Agree with justmyview. At her house it's her say who she invites, but for me you as the birthday person get the determining input on who comes. Why not say, lightly, 'Actually, for my birthday I'd quite like to just go for a meal with you, old school, and meet up with B another time, so can we go for that and maybe do it on a different day?'

nemno · 07/03/2014 00:17

I'd assume friend A was engineering it so that she didn't have to be alone with me. I am so pleased that the other posters think otherwise.

BillyBanter · 07/03/2014 00:23

I wouldn't expect someone to invite someone out for my birthday unless I was having group drinks and extended the invitation to 'friends and partners welcome'.

Is it too late to say can we have the meal another time as I really want to do X and I can get us both tickets/have the offer of two tickets for my birthday'?

Original poster

candyapplecore · 07/03/2014 01:34

I'd assume friend A was engineering it so that she didn't have to be alone with me

Geez. Do some of you even think before you type?

I think comments like this say a lot more about you as a person than they do me.

OP posts:

Oneaddoneisthree · 07/03/2014 02:00

candyapplecore I don't think it means she doesn't want to be alone with you! I think it might mean she doesn't realise you want to be alone with her.

I'm in a similar situation to you. I don't live near to my best friend whereas she and some other friends live close by and see each other almost every day, so I really value time alone with my best friend, not that I don't like the others too. When it's just the 2 of us we talk much more openly.

I think you could tell her, at the right moment, how much you value your close relationship and the time you spend chatting just the 2 of you. Think about it - it's a nice thing for her to hear really and I can't think why anyone would be offended by that.

justmyview · 07/03/2014 02:10

candyapplecore I think that's a little unkind. I think nemno was confiding a lack of confidence that A would want to spend time with her, not suggesting that A didn't want to see you

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