Aibu to be furious that ds is being called a N***** [thread title edited by MNHQ]

[bongobaby]

I'm am pissed off that a child in ds class has been calling him a effing nigger. Not only has this child been calling ds this he has also been messaging him calling him this. They are both in year six. I have always brought ds up not to swear and I don't like it used around him it's an absolute no no for me. My ds is mixed raced so yep he is half black but that doesn't excuse this foul use of the term at school or through whatsapp and he is upset about it.
Need advise on how to approach this as I am fuming.

it is an offensive word that is being used nastily, so not playground banter.

also second going straight to the deputy or head as the first point of call.

not rtft but notice that the other boy is african - it doesn't make any difference, he is bullying your son using racist language. If it was just the other boy using the N word as general slang it would just be a case of him being spoken to about how that is not an acceptable word to use, but this is bullying and should be taken seriously. I would be fuming too - rant away on here, have some and then compose email to school asking to see their bullying policy, speak to the teacher and if the appropriate steps aren't taken, then the HT.

How should I word the email in a calm but factual way?

Lizzie not bossy at all, very helpful

Lizzie list is excellent,she's got it covered

You are not being unreasonable. It is offensive to the highest degree whatever the context (except perhaps in historical references showing why it was wrong and teaching children about equality and diversity) I hope you get swift action from the school OP.

I m worried that today we received a place at secondary school for ds that possibly this child may also attend. Worse case scenario that this could escalate for ds.

Dear Head Teacher,

I am writing to draw your attention to a very distressing and serious incident. On (dates) my son (name) received a set of messages from (name). I have attached a screen shot/ transcript of the messages for you to read. As you can see, the messages from (name) are unprovoked, and highly offensive, particularly in their use of racist language. (Your son's name) was extremely distressed by them.

I appreciate that you will need to investigate the matter fully, but I would like to meet with you as soon as possible to discuss the action you intend to take. I know and trust that you will take this matter most seriously, and that you will want to show my son that his school will not tolerate racist behaviour.

I hope to hear from you very shortly,

Yours sincerely....

Good,succinct,not overly emotive letter

Agree with those saying report to school and make sure it is followed up. My DD was racially attacked verbally and then physically by a school peer and their external friends, to the point where I had to report it to the police. The school refused to do anything about it as it happened outside of school. Thankfully DD is no longer at that school as their wilful ignorance over anything remotely bullying or racist still makes me upset now thinking about it.

How you react to this could impact on how your child views and values themselves for the rest of their lives so, please do something to show you are addressing it, and also talk with your child about why it is wrong and let them know that you're taking action now, and assure them that you always will.

I like your username.

Is that a term of endearment?

In context, it's unusual.

Spot on lizzie wish I could take you to the Heads office with me, I will use your wording.
I've been onto the school website but can't find a direct email to the Head. I will phone first thing in the morning to ask if he has a direct one. They do say they will not tolerate bullying and want to know if its going on.

Wurstwitch user name goes back to my clubbing days when I always used to dance to a house tune called I like to play my bongos in the morning. It would be a user name of drumsbaby if there was a song called the same.

It made me jump - I remember an African American boy joining our class back in the... 80s? And being horribly bullied by a couple of kids who would sing the um bongo um bongo they drink it in the congo ad at him.

It just me wonder about context - as you seem to be fine with that - I wondered if it was a pet name name for your son after that 'what do you call your kids' thread and nearly dropped dead!!

How utterly vile. Your poor son. I really hope that the school can get this under control. The kid doing the bullying must have been dragged up by ignorant idiot parents.

Email addresses usually follow a standard format in schools so you may be able to guess the head teachers direct email address. Once you think you have it try googling it and seeing if anything comes up.

I will be with you in spirit Bongobaby!

Try to stay calm (easier said than done!) - the other lad will probably say that your DS has been horrible to him in the past etc. ignore this, don't get drawn into a debate. The school will say that he said "nigger" not knowing how offensive it is. That doesn't make any difference - this incident is highly offensive and if your son is offended/ distressed by the language it IS a racist incident.

The boy might be excluded for a short time, he might be spoken to with his parents and "re educated" about his language. They might want to do a restorative justice session with both boys.

If the other parents try to approach you in the meantime don't engage - just say " I think it's better if the school deal with it". Any unpleasantness will make it harder for the school to deal with it.

Don't panic about the Secondary school yet - see how the school deal with it first.

If there is an admin email such as [email protected] try replacing the admin with head. Works for most schools I know. But then call tomorrow to confirm.

Please don't worry about secondary school. This should be nipped in the bud and should be done and dusted soon.

Ds is upset and feeling sad, I have told him its not his fault but I will need to speak to the school about it. He also said that this boy is definitely going to the same senior school as him in September. Bless him he said that God will tell the boy off in church on Sunday for calling him that name. Maybe the parents can have a word with their pastor about their son while they are there.

If the school does try to take the "oh it's banter, not racism" line, point out that where adults are concerned, racially aggravated public order offences can be committed against someone of exactly the same ethnic background as the perpetrator. So a black/asian/white person can be convicted of racist offences against another black/asian/white person.

The law is very clear on this - the school should be too.

I will try and stay calm as I now take from the useful advice given that it will be the best thing to email first. I'm glad that it was past school time when ds had told me and that I came onto mn to rant first.
The Headmaster seems to be a reasonable chap as I have had to speak with him before on unrelated matters and they seem to have very good pastoral care in place at the school.

That's why it's so important to insist that this is logged with the LEA - it will be on record and the Secondary school will be mindful of it. Before they start their new school you or the Primary school will usually be given an opportunity to say if your DS should be put in the same or different form as primary school peers, so you can request that they ate put separately if that's what you would like.

Having said that, and without belittling the incident, the school and even the other boy might surprise you (positively) by their reaction. This will hopefully end here. I have dealt with incidents like this that had a positive, peaceful outcome. It still needs logging as a racist incident though.

Your poor DS - he must be feeling all churned up. Big hugs from you and a favourite book (and possibly a sneaky biscuit) in bed, I think.

Good advice again Lizzie thank you, taken on board. Now have to wait and see how the school will handle this and go forward with it.

Sorry, I am never normally the thread police but couldn't you have written "the N word" rather than putting the full word on here that is totally repugnant to civilised people?

It makes me feel sick.