My mother is dying and I just can't live with my dad anymore

[Sisterblister123]

Hello all, I'm hoping for some advice as to whether I WBU or not.

My mother has got terminal breast cancer - it's spread to her bones and the doctors say there isn't much they can do. I am closer to my mother than my father and am obviously finding this a difficult time. I've been having a tough few years and am currently taking medication to help with anxiety.

I'm currently staying in my parent's town (in their house) while mum goes in and out of hospital, so I am mostly in the house with my dad. He is a bit vague, old-fashioned and forgetful (my mum used to just look after him whilst all he did was work) and I find him hard work to talk to, although I do try. He is also (IMO) ridiculously messy. I am one of those people who can't stand unnecessary mess and I can't stand living with him in this house any more.

So, with that in mind I have arranged to move out next week into a flat in the centre of our town (5 minutes away from my current house and the hospital). That way I can live as I like and still see my mum regularly.

My sister (older than me and lives 4 hours away) is really unhappy with my decision. I mentioned the upcoming move on facebook and somehow she found out (I'd previously blocked her from seeing my statuses) and asked me about it. I then had to tell my dad about my plans to move out sooner than I wanted to. He's really upset, but I can't see any other options.

My sister's main arguments are that my dad would be on his own in the house if I move out (he's not from here originally and usually lives overseas) and that it would be kinder to stay and try to emotionally support him and my mum at this time. We have a few other relatives nearby (my mum's side) but I don't like them much. They visit mum a lot but my dad isn't especially close to any of them.

So what do you think? Have I been unreasonable? Is there anything I can do to make this situation better?

I am 25 if that matters - no kids or partner (or job at the moment, although I'm looking). Thanks.

Alright, my sister phoned me and we had a chat. She said that she understood me not wanting to live here, but that she thought the whole thing could have been handled a bit better with regard to me and our dad actually talking to each other. Honestly, I think she's probably right. So I said I'd apologise for not talking to him about it and she seemed pleased about that. She did say that she knew it was hard and wished she could be here more. We parted on good terms, which was nice.

Sigh. I hate it when people give me constructive criticism and actually have a point. I'm going to have to go talk to him now maybe I'll leave it 'til tomorrow....

Apologise to him for not talking to him about it prior to making arrangements, I mean.

If you're going to talk and apologise, keep to an apology for the way you've handled things. Don't let it slip into an apology for thinking about moving out at all, if he's as manipulative as he sounds. Keep it short and simple.

Don't give up on your plan to move out.

Talk to him, explain that you will still be supportive but need your own space - if he is a decent dad then he should understand. Hopefully.
Good luck anyway hope it all goes well.

Oh I'm still going, don't worry! But my sister said he was probably hurt and would appreciate being spoken to directly rather than just letting it all fester. She knows I am still going - this is just damage limitation.

With regard to the manipulation comments: I am not his biggest fan but he really isn't that bad.

I don't think the OP needs to cut him some slack. It sounds like she needs to get out of it for her own sanity. OP forgive me for prying but I'm guessing there's more to this than him simply being messy. Apologies if I'm wrong. My DM was seriously ill last year. My DF was living with me at the time. I was going backwards and forwards to the hospital to see DM. Then coming home to deal with the mess a well able bodied man had made and start to cook him homemade dinners at 10pm at night and I would 'put up and shut up' as my sister incidentally would tell me I needed to cut him some slack for want of a better phrase. Outcome? I was happy when he moved out, We hardly talk anymore and I wished I'd never taken him in. OP your sister may mean well but she's not the one that has to live with it 24/7. You're not moving out of the area altogether you're five minutes away and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You can move five minutes away and still support your Mother. All the best with it by the way to you and your mum .

Op, you sound lovely and like you are trying to make the best of the situation. Unless your sister is prepared to move in with him and cope with him alone with no other help 24/7 then she is not entitled to criticise you for doing it. I get what she says about telling him before you actually made any move towards moving out, but if that would have made it harder, yanbu. He is an adult.

Sorry about your mum, and that it is so difficult for you now.

Would getting a job help get you out of the house a bit, and get your thoughts together? Is there a chance you can find an internship a few days per week the next couple of months, related to your studies nearby? I am not unsympathetic to your situation, only thinking if you can be out of the house more, working, you may not have to move out and spend your savings on rent?

Really sorry to hear your news OP, and even more so that you've had such vile comments levelled at you on here. If you will be only 5 mins away, nobody can sensibly accuse you of not caring, and not looking after your parents. But it's a terrible time for you too and if you feel you would handle it better 5 minutes away, then that's what you should do. Your sister should be grateful to you and trying to make things easier for you.

So sorry you find yourself in this situation, OP. I agree that you are right to move out. I also think (and apologies if I'm wrong) that there is more to your relationship with your DF than your unhappiness with the mess.

If you are unhappy living with him I think you can provide better support living elsewhere as you are less likely to resent him and doing things for him. I do think that you should visit him although you said you probably wouldn't (but you having said that is what makes me think there is more to it - which makes it difficult to comment reliably on how much you should see him).

I don't think you've said, but what sort of support is your DSis providing? Your OP makes it sound as though it's just you helping but maybe that's not the case.

You should have spoken to your DF before facebooking it, yes, but you are going through a tough time at the moment. If it's so hard to talk to him I kind of get why you did it - especially if you thought nobody "relevant" would see the post. Which reminds me that you say you have blocked your sister from seeing your status updates...More to that relationship than you are letting on?

Wishing you strength to do what is the right thing for you and your family at this time. Don't be "guilted" into doing something that you are genuinely unhappy with but use your sense and compassion. Oh and Macmillan or hospice nurses. They are there for the whole family, not just your mum. Talk to them.

Glad you've sorted things out with your sister and that you're going to apologise to your Dad - but in reality, he wouldn't have known about it before you told him if your sister hadn't stuck her beak in!

However. That aside, smoothing over the situation is now the best way forward, and continuing with your plan to move out. :)

OP. Quite frankly sod the vile comments you got on here and sod the comments from your sister. None of them have to live with YOUR situation. Do what's right for YOU.