My mother is dying and I just can't live with my dad anymore

[Sisterblister123]

Hello all, I'm hoping for some advice as to whether I WBU or not.

My mother has got terminal breast cancer - it's spread to her bones and the doctors say there isn't much they can do. I am closer to my mother than my father and am obviously finding this a difficult time. I've been having a tough few years and am currently taking medication to help with anxiety.

I'm currently staying in my parent's town (in their house) while mum goes in and out of hospital, so I am mostly in the house with my dad. He is a bit vague, old-fashioned and forgetful (my mum used to just look after him whilst all he did was work) and I find him hard work to talk to, although I do try. He is also (IMO) ridiculously messy. I am one of those people who can't stand unnecessary mess and I can't stand living with him in this house any more.

So, with that in mind I have arranged to move out next week into a flat in the centre of our town (5 minutes away from my current house and the hospital). That way I can live as I like and still see my mum regularly.

My sister (older than me and lives 4 hours away) is really unhappy with my decision. I mentioned the upcoming move on facebook and somehow she found out (I'd previously blocked her from seeing my statuses) and asked me about it. I then had to tell my dad about my plans to move out sooner than I wanted to. He's really upset, but I can't see any other options.

My sister's main arguments are that my dad would be on his own in the house if I move out (he's not from here originally and usually lives overseas) and that it would be kinder to stay and try to emotionally support him and my mum at this time. We have a few other relatives nearby (my mum's side) but I don't like them much. They visit mum a lot but my dad isn't especially close to any of them.

So what do you think? Have I been unreasonable? Is there anything I can do to make this situation better?

I am 25 if that matters - no kids or partner (or job at the moment, although I'm looking). Thanks.

Hope you are ok

beverly - I agree there are many cuntish posts on here, yours being only one. Just because you have had similar issues doesn't mean the OP should feel pressure to be a martyr at the expense of her health. I'm sure she can still support her father living 5 minutes away, and all the better for her having a bit of her own space!

ODFOD

Op I think that if you can't take living with your parents any more then yanbu to move to a nearby flat. It sounds as though you will be so close you will be able to offer almost exactly the same level of support to your parents as you do now with the added benefit of your own space. I don't blame you for feeling the need to escape such an intense and painful situation. I also think that knowing you can go back to your own home will give you a bit more endurance and patience with your dad so your relationship with him, such as it is, could survive longer term. I think you need to accept and acknowledge your sisters opinion but you have to deal with things in the best way you can manage. She should accept that.

I don't think you're being selfish at all, op.

You've deferred your course and moved house.

All the best in these difficult circumstances.

natwebb79

she is moving not 5 mins away from her father's home but 5 mins away from her home and the hospital. She has said she won't be bothering to visit her father much.

There's nothing cuntish in what I've said, it's just an opinion of how she appears to be treating her father, which is very shortsighted and lacking in compassion IMO.

opinion which she has asked for.

What a highly original and educated response, beverly. I hope you're ok OP.

If you don't get on with him, bringing some grub around like chocolates or some such thing can help. Or time it so you an watch a movie together or something.

You do seem very dismissive of your father. Is there a backstory here?

My dad generally tries to guilt-trip me out of whatever I have planned to do

I'm really sorry about your mum and can quite see this is a difficult decision. However, because of the above I believe you need to be very careful about the future - you're all going to be upset when your mum passes, and there appears to be a risk that your father may expect you to become his carer, especially as he's been used to everything done for him by your mum; a lot of emotional pressure could easily follow

Unless you're prepared to put your entire life on hold while he's still here, it might be wise to research home care providers and the like for the future. Nobody's suggesting you just dump him - and you've already done a great deal for them both - but do remember to think of your needs too

I think perhaps that you are doing the most sensible thing for you to cope with what is a most difficult and stressful time, and is like to become more so the longer it continues.

If your df normally lives abroad, how long is he likely to spend in the UK?

I think that one of the most important thing is that you have a realistic idea of how the stress could affect you and have taken steps to help you deal with it to the best of your ability.

If your Mum is dying you need to do whatever is right for you.
Bugger your Dad in some respects but don't cut him out completely unless you really intend to do that.

My Mother died last year and in the terminal phase of her illness my Dad, brother and I had cut our visiting right down (she was in hospital) as she was just unbelievably demanding when we went in and we were exhausted as the terminal phase dragged on.

I know some people looking in from the outside judged but tbh we did what we did to stay sane. At no point did I consider moving back home to help my Dad (although I did cook him dinner on one or two occasions and he returned the favour).

Your Dad will have to learn to cope on his own anyway - my friend and I (both our Mother's have died in the past few years) have a theory that either men become bereft and struggle to adjust to life and mourn their lost life partner for years or they bounce back remarkably quickly and find someone else to care for them. My Dad is firmly in the former camp although he is starting (with a lot of prompting) to socialise again.

I am definitely returning to university in September, so no chance of me becoming my father's carer. He wouldn't need me to be anyway, as he can take care of himself just fine (both here and in his home country). It's just that his definition of acceptable living conditions are different to mine (not dirty per se, just ridiculously messy). He's fine in it himself, but I can't stand it.

My dad and I have had a tumultuous relationship, as he is quite dismissive with me and tries to be strict. I resented it and fought back. He's from a traditional sort of culture, so that didn't go down well. I have tried to connect with him a bit more over recent years but I feel like he still sees me as an irresponsible kid. My older sister has always got on better with him and so I'm not surprised she's taken his side.

It would obviously be a hell of a shock to him as well, the whole situation. To lose a life partner is different to losing a parent, with a parent you lose your past, with a partner you lose part of you as well as your present and future.

You have to do what you think is best for you, ignore those posters who think you should martyr yourself and make yourself unhappy. After all you're only moving 5 minutes down the road.

I have a lot of sympathy for you. I'm not massively close to my mum and dad and we can't tolerate each others company for longer than a week, so I can imagine how you are feeling right now.

In my experience, people with different families where they are pretty close find it difficult to understand where I'm coming from when I talk about my parents so don't take the nasty comments on here to heart.

Move to your flat and try and make the best out of this awful situation. I'm so sorry about your mum.

I'm so very sorry about your mum, it must be unbearable for you, I can't imagine what I'd do without my mum. But, I don't think you should leave dad, yes he's messy and possibly annoying, but he won't be here forever and he probably needs you.

Could you not stay a travelodge or something on a Friday, they are only cheap and would give you a little break?

I do hope you and your family get through this terrible time ok x

All these posts saying that your dad needs your support OP. Yes, his wife is terminally ill and he needs support, but you're losing your mother, and you're still pretty young for that, so where is your support? If your dad is draining you but not reciprocating any support then YADNBU to not live with him. Look after yourself otherwise you'll be no help to anyone.

So the OP has had a rough relationship with her dad over the years, he treats her like a kid; he tries guilt tripping her out of stuff she plans to do and the implication I can see is that there's big expectation that she provides "support" which basically means she's going to be the one they expect to do the cleaning, caring, and looking after her dad.

She has anxiety issues also, which may or may not be related to her relationship with her dad.

Having seen how my both my parents had their health ruined due to them looking after my grandad for years, I don't see that the OP moving 5 mins away is going to be so bad at all.

Sisterblister - frankly I do think your father is trying t control you and seizing his opportunity while your mother is very ill. I do also think he expects you to look after him.

If he is from a culture where that happens and especially one where the youngest daughter is expected to do that then you are right to move out.

You know your father and you know how difficult he is to live with.

Interesting parallel with my family. Its taken me 50 years to break with my controlling and dominating father and you need to do the same. My father uses any 'family occasion or event' to manipulate and control. Marriages and deaths are his favourite tools where naturally o one wants to cause upset so they feel they have to go along with him and what he wants. I am sure my father would quickly find another woman if my mother died but he would manipulate that process to the maximum.

I'm shocked at the treatment you've received here OP. I'm so sorry about your mum. You've explained your reasons for moving very clearly. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Good god! Well done you for coming up with a sensible solution.

well done you for parking your life to help out.

your sister needs to look to her own input rather than criticising yours.

And i am very sorry that you are all going through such a tough old time

How old is your Dad?

I ask because my divorced Dad lives alone aged 66, works full time and does his own housework - the house is immaculate. He has a cat and friends and sees us (his 2 daughters) weekly or fortnightly and is never too lonely.

Your Dad should be capable of the same if he has no health problems. He should be there to support YOU and your mum! Why does your mum's health condition make everyone want you to treat him like an invalid? It seems strange to me.

You are doing the right thing to move into a place of your own - you will still be near your mum and dad without living in their pocket so you won't resent them (your dad especially).

Your sister has no right to tell you what to do.

Also I'm sorry that you're going through this tough time yet people on here have been rude to you, it's horrible.