My mother is dying and I just can't live with my dad anymore

[Sisterblister123]

Hello all, I'm hoping for some advice as to whether I WBU or not.

My mother has got terminal breast cancer - it's spread to her bones and the doctors say there isn't much they can do. I am closer to my mother than my father and am obviously finding this a difficult time. I've been having a tough few years and am currently taking medication to help with anxiety.

I'm currently staying in my parent's town (in their house) while mum goes in and out of hospital, so I am mostly in the house with my dad. He is a bit vague, old-fashioned and forgetful (my mum used to just look after him whilst all he did was work) and I find him hard work to talk to, although I do try. He is also (IMO) ridiculously messy. I am one of those people who can't stand unnecessary mess and I can't stand living with him in this house any more.

So, with that in mind I have arranged to move out next week into a flat in the centre of our town (5 minutes away from my current house and the hospital). That way I can live as I like and still see my mum regularly.

My sister (older than me and lives 4 hours away) is really unhappy with my decision. I mentioned the upcoming move on facebook and somehow she found out (I'd previously blocked her from seeing my statuses) and asked me about it. I then had to tell my dad about my plans to move out sooner than I wanted to. He's really upset, but I can't see any other options.

My sister's main arguments are that my dad would be on his own in the house if I move out (he's not from here originally and usually lives overseas) and that it would be kinder to stay and try to emotionally support him and my mum at this time. We have a few other relatives nearby (my mum's side) but I don't like them much. They visit mum a lot but my dad isn't especially close to any of them.

So what do you think? Have I been unreasonable? Is there anything I can do to make this situation better?

I am 25 if that matters - no kids or partner (or job at the moment, although I'm looking). Thanks.

So you have already deferred your course and moved your life to be of assistance at this time - what has your sister done?

I can see both sides of the moving issue and I feel for you. However - one thing is clear - you should in no uncertain terms tell your sister that until she puts her money where her mouth is and shows her own 'kindness' by moving house herself she can a. shut up and b. have the sense to realise that she will have no idea of the dynamic between you and your dad now that you have moved back in, and again - beak out.

She should be VERY grateful that you are there at all... she certainly isn't!!

I agree that you should try to keep seeing your Dad, despite his misery (understandable) and upset with you - distancing yourself from him would be a bit selfish, even if he is monosyllabic. He will need the support, and if there's no one else around, it will, realistically, fall to you to give him that support.

To be fair, my sister is married with two small children and has got a full-time job that she's been in for less than a year. She's come down around 3 times since we found out (on her own and with one of my nephews or as a whole family) so she has tried to be around.

I don't think she realises that it's harder to be here day-in, day-out though. She didn't seem to react much when I first mentioned that I was thinking of moving out - I think she's more upset that I didn't speak to dad before making firm plans and talking about it to others.

OP - how are you paying for the flat? Are you expecting your parents to fund it?

Sybil - that's not really the issue is it her, and besides that she has already indicated she has savings she is willing to use.

Frankly it kind of comes across like people trying to find something to rip the OP to shreds with!!!

OP - as others have said. There is a very big difference between supporting and living with. They are mutually exclusive, you don't have to be doing one to do the other.

It does, however, sounds like you may have done yourself a disservice in the way you went about it. Sis probably does have a point about talking to your Dad before talking about it openly.

It sounds like your Mom is ok with your decision, and I too have experiences with an occasionally overbearing father so I can understand making arrangements before telling him.

My advice would be suck it up and apologise to your father for not discussing it with him sooner (even if you don't really mean it) and move out and continue to support where you can. As for your Sis, let it wash over - it's not her opinion that matters here. It's your life and you have to do what's right for you, despite what she thinks.

Sounds very similar to my situation. I too was at uni final year mum was so ill consultants couldn't diagnose her. Told us to expect the worst. I was commuting to uni,and making sure dad and siblings had meals everyday so mum wouldn't stress. Used to take trips every evening with home cooked food for her. this went on for half a year. Siblings at home but lazy ass boys my parents raised, spoilt. Dad had the beginnings of a meltdown.hes always been a difficult character, never a positive word towards kids. So it was strained, depressing heartbreaking. But he's my dad no matter what.

After half a year she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and 3 years this April she passed away in tragic circumstances. My dad's lost without her, he seems to have the classic signs of dementia, I don't know if he's been formally diagnosed for it as I got married and moved out, but my in law is so I see the same signs. He's still a difficult person but I will tolerate him as he sacrificed many things for me to make me the woman I am today.

I think you should look at the bigger picture. If I had thought oh I'll leave it to my siblings dad or my mum wouldn't have been cared for. I know it's tough but if it's not long term then I think you should try and persevere, your dad needs you. When you look back you won't have any regrets. My sister lived a short drive away but she was always too busy, she regrets not spending more time with my mother. We try not to make her feel guilty, but none of us can lie, she was only 25mins away. Don't live with regrets. If this is a longer term issue I.e many years then I don't think it's unreasonable to live near by your dad, rather than with him if you think it will be better for you.

I wish you the best in this difficult time, stay strong.

I can see both sides here.

In an ideal world, you would be able to stay with your dad. But it sounds like that would only add to your anxiety levels. Having had difficulties with anxiety in the past, I can empathise. It may be that it is your anxiety that is driving this. I know how all consuming it can be and it sounds like you have hit the "flight" mode. There is nothing wrong with that. If this is the case, staying with your dad probably will not be a good idea.

It might be that in your own flat, you will have the space (and distractions) you need to keep on top of the anxiety. That way, you will be able to support both your parents better. I think in all fairness, your sister's opinions do not really come into it. She is not there, dealing with the day to day even if she does have perfectly understandable reasons.

Therefore, taking your anxiety condition into account, I think YANBU and you are making the right choice, even if it is for only short term.

Do you really think that my employment status might affect me being able to move out?

I really don't want to end up in a position where my Dad is angry with me but I have nowhere else to go...

You need time off to handle this situation, not permanently but a few hours now and then - which you are now doing. To call it 'me time' sounds a bit wrong in this context. But to be living with your parents, even if just your Dad, returns you to a teenage mindset that may not be helpful at this time. And in my experience spending time with a parent under their roof (and one who doesn't seem to have a social life from your post) becomes a sort of continuous thing with no let up and no real break. They are always on to you, if it is not one thing it is another, and there is a build up of tension even without your sad circumstances, let alone with them.

Yes, unless you say pay for 6 months rent up front then I can't see a private LL renting to someone who doesn't work....I am a private LL and I wouldn't.

I don't understand the negative comments here - most people who have left home don't then move back in with their parents when one is ill - what they sometimes do is come over and support them, offer help, maybe keep them company on a trip to hospital etc. - that's great; but I simply cannot see the need for the OP to live in the same house as her father, because of her Mum's cancer. OP has already deferred her course and come back to be near them, why on earth can't she "support" her Dad from a flat a few miles down the road?

Because she's made it clear she has not intention of supporting him.

YANBU.

It's a difficult time for all of you and you all have to manage as best you can.

When your sister says that you should be there to "emotionally support" your DF, I believe she also means that you should pick up the mantle of cooking, cleaning & tidying i.e. practical support. It doesn't sound like you're in a position to want or be able to do that at this point in time. Also no matter what happens it sounds like your DF needs to become somewhat more self sufficient.

If you can't rent a flat on your own, perhaps you could rent a room. Ok that brings it's own challenges, but easier to shrug off as not family.

I probably won't visit my dad that often, to be honest

That's probably why tbh.

OP you don't have any obligation to your dad when it comes down to the bare facts of the matter, not really. But if he's been a good father to you all these years, and you haven't said otherwise, think upon your actions now because in years to come it could be a source of regret. It's an emotional time for everyone.

I think you are being incredibly selfish and unreasonable. Not everything in life is about you. You should be there to support you father who 'only ever worked ' to support you. Your sister is right.

Do you not realise what he must be going through? So what if he's hard to talk to him? He probably doesn't need to be talking to you. He just needs to have someone around. To know he is not alone and his family care.

i am really sorry you are going through an emotionally hard time. i think tbh that your sister has a bloody cheek. why is it that people seem to think that if you are single/without children that that person has to be so available. i can see it from both ways. your father needs support and is obviously going through a tough time BUT you are as well. it's not as if you want to go and live in australia. it would probably be better all round if you move out and can still regularly visit but may thus be in a better place mentally. at a guess you are there ALOT more for your parents than your sister. i don't know her circumstances but from where i am sitting how dare she lecture you. your life counts for something. all the best to you and your parents

This is a really difficult one. On one hand you're very y

Sorry- posted too soon
You're very young and could end up being a carer for your dad for a long time which could end up with your life being on hold, but his life is being turned around. He is dealing with the prospect of losing his wife and is probably pissed off you didn't talk to him about moving out. You mention his memory. Do you think he has a memory problem? If so, a dementia process could also affect personality. If you are worried abhor his memory you need to speak to GP t

Arse!

Gp to get assessed and some support.

Good luck, but don't write your dad off too early, yes you are dealing with a terminally ill mother but it is his wife too.

beverly moss - and she's suffering from anxiety, trying to keep everything together and she's about to lose her mum. What a cuntish thing to say to the op.

If you stay in with your dad, is he expecting you to look after him? What happens when your uni course resumes? Or is he expecting you to become his carer?

Africanexport - she wants to move 5 minutes away for fucks sake! Do you feel good about yourself now you've spoken to the OP like shit when she's struggling to cope with her mum dying?! What is wrong with some people on here?

natwebb79
A cuntish thing to say? hardly - take a look at the rest of the thread

fwiw I have suffered with anxiety and depression for almost 10 years, I still have the compassion to care for my elderly father with dementia even though he 'always worked' and I never really had a close relationship with him.

The OP asked if she was unreasonable - I've given my opinion.

how very odd to single my post as cuntish.

::meh::

I second what thumb witch has said

Oh my God, Mumsnet is many things but it is usually brimming over with compassion and support.

OP sorry you have had such cold replies.

Others - it IS possible to challenge or ask direct questions of OP while also remembering to offer condolences and support since her mother is dying...Jesus.

Fwiw, I don't think you are doing anything wrong in wanting to move out. Your dad needs support but you need breathing space and to nurture your own feelings and keep on top of the anxiety too. There is middle ground.