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Original poster

To be so utterly devastated

24 replies

scarffiend · 05/03/2014 20:22

For my dear friend who sent me an email today, saying her 20 week scan for her first baby has shown major abnormalities which are 'not conducive to life should the pregnancy continue'. I am so heart broken for her and not sure where else I can offload to. I miscarried with my first pregnancy and not sure if I have never really dealt with it, but my poor friends situation has really shaken me.

Suppose there's no question here... Just a statement

OP posts:
SweepTheHalls · 05/03/2014 20:23

How awful. Thinking of you both x

Valdeeves · 05/03/2014 20:24

Your poor friend xxx

RandomMess · 05/03/2014 20:26

Sad devasting for them and so sad for you too x

moonriverandme · 05/03/2014 20:28

So sorry about the loss of your baby and for your poor friend. Have you contacted the Miscarriage Association? They could give you the name of a telephone contact you could speak to about your loss and unresolved grief, and maybe of help to your friend. I found it saved my sanity. Thinking of you. Thanks

pinkbear82 · 05/03/2014 20:29

Thinking of you all. I'm sure much more knowledgeable people will come along, but I know SANDS have helped a few people I know an awful lot in their times of need.

Thanks Be kind to yourself during this time too

WooWooOwl · 05/03/2014 20:29

So sorry for you.

I can remember being shocked at how upset I was when a close friend of mine miscarried. Obviously it was upsetting, but it wasn't my baby to cry for so it was quite overwhelming feeling so shaken about something that really wasn't anything to do with me.

It's understandable that you are upset, especially having experienced your own loss.

MyPrettyToes · 05/03/2014 20:31

ThanksThanks to you and your friend.

There are no words that can make her feel better at the moment. And of course this news will bring up unresolved feelings for you. I am sorry for both you and your friend. Life is shit sometimes isn't it?

Gigondas · 05/03/2014 20:33

You sound a kind friend so please just try and be there for your friend.

With respect , this isn't quite the same as a miscarriage . I have had miscarriages . I have also lost a baby at 20 weeks - I had to give birth to my ds knowing he was dead. I will never get over that loss.

Try mc boards here, mc association as others have suggested.

Arc (antenatal results and choices) is specifically set up to deAl with your friends position. They can help (including putting you in touch with people who have been thru the same if that helps). You could tell your friend About them. If she is in London, I know of a specialist counselling service at one if London hospitals .

dyslexicdespot · 05/03/2014 20:33

I am so very sorry. My thoughts are with you and your friend.

Sukebind · 05/03/2014 20:33

I think your friend would really appreciate your love and sorrow for her and her baby. So often, miscarriages (even late ones), stillbirths and similar sad situations are not handled that well by friends of those immediately affected. I'm so sorry that she is having to go through this.

Gigondas · 05/03/2014 20:34

Sorry didn't mean to be harsh op - just having experienced mc and what your friend has endured, I would just put them in different categories of loss.

HadABadDay2014 · 05/03/2014 20:37

I am so very sorry for your friend.

She is going to need a lot of help and support. Thanks

Original poster
scarffiend · 05/03/2014 20:39

Thank you for all your responses, you're all so kind. And gigondas, I really do appreciate that her loss is greater than my own - I know my miscarriage was tough, but having had a successful pregnancy after, I couldn't imagine how much worse it would be, spending so much more time growing and nurturing this child to have it so cruelly taken from you. I am truly sorry for your loss.

Thanks also for the advice given - I'll give it all some serious thought and pass on the same to my friend once the shock has subsided slightly for her.

OP posts:
NearTheWindymill · 05/03/2014 20:45

I had miscarriages at 17, 11 and 8 weeks. I also had a pg like your friends and went into labour at 27 weeks - our son lived for a very little while.

In my honest opinion each loss was different but there isn't an hierarchy of grief. Grief affects each and every one of us differently.

Be there for your son, appreciate she had bonded with her baby and that what has happened will be difficult and take a very long time to come to terms with. Let her do the talking and don't make comparisons - be there, listen, love and let her talk about it.

PumpkinPie2013 · 05/03/2014 21:08

How very sad for your friend Sad and for you Sad

Just let her know you are there if/when she wishes to talk and let her know you are ok with her expressing feelings of upset/anger - whatever she wants.

Flowers for you both xxxx

manchestermummy · 05/03/2014 21:57
Thanks

I have never suffered a pregnancy loss, but a very close friend did a couple of years ago and I was absolutely devastated for her, her dh and her other dc. Heartbroken.

Are you close to her dp at all? My dh sent my friend's dh a text when it happened and my friend said (because a man never would!) he really appreciated that.

WheresMrMonkey · 05/03/2014 22:45

I am so so sorry

NobodyLivesHere · 05/03/2014 22:51

I'm so sorry for you and your friend. I do understand how you feel because when a friend of mine recently has the same happen, as well as being gutted for her I also had a lot of feelings about my own losses resurface. Be there for her (and her dp/h if she has one, men very often get overlooked at these times) and be good to yourself x

Goofymum · 05/03/2014 23:08

"In my honest opinion each loss was different but there isn't an hierarchy of grief. Grief affects each and every one of us differently"

I agree wholeheartedly to this statement posted by NeartheWindyMill.

I am sorry for your friend who needs friends around her now to listen and comfort (and not compare). I am sorry for your loss too, OP. It sounds as though you may need a listening ear too. Don't ever say your situation was not as bad as hers. You cannot compare them.

SugarplumKate · 05/03/2014 23:13

Keep talking to your friend OP, she will need good friends. Xxxx

Tartanpaint · 06/03/2014 08:55

Just heart breaking. I received lots of flowers and phone calls after my loss and it really helped to know people cared. It was one positive thing at a very dark time. Dealing with grief Is hard. About 6 months after I had a ceremony (just me DH) somewhere special. We read a letter to her and planted a tree. That was one big step but it really helped with starting to make peace.

farewellfigure · 06/03/2014 14:14

I am so sorry for her loss and for yours as well.

I guess there's not much you can do for her other than tell her you understand.

When my friend had a miscarriage I bought her one of these.

pt=UKJewelleryWatchesWomensJewelleryRingsSR&hash=item51b6799152

It's a forgetmenot so it was just something she could wear that meant something to her and was a little sign that she'd never forget. Not that she would, but you know... I felt I had to do something.

julybutterfly · 06/03/2014 14:39

I had the same happen to me at a 20 week scan. The words 'incompatible with life' still ring in my ears almost 5 years on.

Your friend will be starting a rollercoaster of emotions and just knowing there are people to listen if she needs them will be a big help OP

Do you mind me asking what is wrong with the baby? Feel free to ignore that if it's too personal a question. Or feel free to inbox me
Xxx

Original poster
scarffiend · 06/03/2014 18:53

I don't actually know what's wrong with the baby, julybutterfly - I received an email from my friend last night saying that she was going in today to deliver and that was the first I heard about it. I won't ask her about it though.

So sorry for your loss - can't imagine how heart breaking that must be x

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