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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Gentlemans family" rage

80 replies

Snowfedup · 05/03/2014 19:34

2 friends have had a second dc of the opposite sex and the constant comments of them being so lucky and so bessed to have the perfect family give me the rage !

Wish I had a decent response (I am from a family of 2 girls and have 2 boys myself) they just don't seem to get how insulting it is !

OP posts:

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 05/03/2014 20:25

Oh, and I forgot the gem of a saying that goes something like "a daughter's a daughter for life, a son is only a son until he has a wife". Bollocks .

ListenToTheLady · 05/03/2014 20:25

Ooh I have a "gentleman's family" (or what I thought that meant) - boy then a girl, and people have said that to me. It makes me laugh as I was always the most lefty, bohemian and feminist person and couldn't have imagined ending up with this 2.4 kids, textbook one-of-each, bank advert-type family arrangement.

I do think people just feel they have to pass some kind of remark, however vacuous, but "gentleman's family" is possibly the most vacuous of all.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/03/2014 20:26

I have the perfect family. Four DSs. Perfect for me, that is; I won't waste pity on those of you who have different shaped families because I'd hazard a guess that yours are perfect too. Because they're yours.

Really, in this day and age, is there another way of looking at it that isn't daft?

winterhat · 05/03/2014 20:26

YANBU

gilliangoof · 05/03/2014 20:27

I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with people describing their families as perfect. Most people think their own family is fantastic and that's the way it should be. I think my family is perfect. I have 2 girls and a boy. It doesn't mean I think there is something lacking in other families. It just means I count myself lucky. Your friends probably think you have a great family too.

ListenToTheLady · 05/03/2014 20:28

Actually before DD was born (quite big age gap) I loved being the mum of a boy, did not feel I was missing out at all. My relationship with DD is different in some ways, but I have no way of knowing if that's because she's a girl. And women who want a girl "to do girly things with" are projecting horribly onto their girl. What if she's not like that?

Anniegetyourgun · 05/03/2014 20:31

I'm a little relieved I didn't have a girl just in case she did want to do "girly things" #shudder# Couldn't be doing with that.

Scholes34 · 05/03/2014 20:34

I have two friends with four boys and six friends with three boys. They don't seem particularly down about it.

I lost any respect I had for health visitors when the one I saw exclaimed "Oh, I think the nicest families are the ones with two boys" as I sat there with DD and DS1. Some people just make stupid comments.

Quoteunquote · 05/03/2014 20:38

One of my friends has six birth children all the same gender, they were so relived when the last one was the same sex, as they were really worried people would of thought they were trying for one of the opposite sex,

She had so many comments with the last few pregnancies, that she felt if she did have one of different gender, she would have to have another to prove she wasn't trying for a different gender.

When they adopted, people assumed they were going to go for the other gender, then commented they should of asked for the other gender.

DarlingGrace · 05/03/2014 20:40

Sorry the Op is so illiterate I can't work out what its supposed to mean

gertiegusset · 05/03/2014 20:47

Never heard of the expression before now.

herecomesthsun · 05/03/2014 20:47

I had a boy then a girl. People kept telling me I was "clever". Well no, clever would have been my variety of qualifications, which required some intelligence and some hard work. The random assortment of X and Y chromosomes was anything but. And I would have been just as happy whatever with my babies, God willing that they survived and were healthy (risky pregnancies).

I wasn't too annoyed, because I felt it was well meant, but it felt like they hadn't hit the right note, that my intelligence was being brushed to one side so that motherhood could be extolled.

Sicaq · 05/03/2014 20:50

You bored tonight or something, DarlingGrace?

OP, I think I've been guilty of saying crap like "Oh how nice, one of each!" to people I don't really know. In my mind I was just making polite small talk; I genuinely had no opinion on their children but was trying to show interest. These days I know better. They may just be like I was. Annoying for you though.

softlysoftly · 05/03/2014 20:58

Actually next time I get the feeling someone thinks I wanted a boy I'm going to say

"No actually we wanted a quick fuck but there you go"

LJBanana · 05/03/2014 21:03

It pisses me off no end. I have 2 DS's and I'm awaiting the arrival of number 3 ( don't know the sex).
So many comments expecting me to be wanting a girl- clearly my son'a are so hideous I would never want to have another boy. The most insistent person being MIL, she NEVER stops saying it. She makes me feel like if no3 is a boy then he'll be a huge disappointment-moron!
It's rude and bizarre that people say this.

NigellasGuest · 05/03/2014 21:03

I have 3 girls and can only do "girly" things with one of them. First DD hated dolls and never went near them. It makes me cross when people assume I have 3 daughters who are all pink and fluffy! nothing could be further from the truth.

DarlingGrace · 05/03/2014 21:05

Sicaq Wed 05-Mar-14 20:50:53
You bored tonight or something, DarlingGrace?

No dear, are you? well TBH I am but the sites with the educated people are in a state of flux so I guess you are needling for a reason?

The OP makes no coherent sense at all. The spectrum in me does not allow me to step outside and assume what it might mean

KoalaFace · 05/03/2014 21:06

YANBU.

The thing is though... it's boring isn't it? Talking about families, DC's genders, etc. I find it all a bit dull. There isn't much to be said on the subject (because it doesn't matter) so people just say the standard line for whatever combination:

"One of each! How perfect, the complete set!"

"Two boys! How lovely, boys are so much more loving than girls!"

"Two girls! Fabulous, all pink and girly things, no smelly socks and muddy trainers!"

Then we all nod and smile and then talk about something that isn't so horrendously boring. Like who is sexier Tom Hiddleston or Butterscotch Candycatch.

Velocitractor · 05/03/2014 21:06

Absolutely ListenToTheLady - I have a dd (nearly 8) who is very 'ungirly' and has been since she was about 2 or so and developed that lethal combination of speech and an opinion

I also have a younger ds, so it's almost like having 2 boys which has been great for things like hand-me-downs of clothes etc!

Actually I had never heard of a 'Gentleman's family' before. Sounds a pretty outdated idea to me and I'd probably feel pretty a bit pissed off if people constantly threw that at me, if I were in your situation.

BertieBotts · 05/03/2014 21:07

I've always thought it would be best to have two of one gender because they're more likely to relate more? Probably total bolleaux.

FrimpongDench · 05/03/2014 21:08

I had a boy then a girl (well done me) and then had another boy - except then I got lots of 'it doesn't matter what you have now' Well, hopefully it's human?

I also have 3 boys and the amount of comments about them being like dogs (no) or eating me out of house and home (no) or poor poor DD (er, yes) wouldn't she prefer a sister instead of a brother. Possibly, which one of the boys shall I gender-reassign?

Anniegetyourgun · 05/03/2014 21:10

Sicaq , you're probably all right saying "how nice, one of each" because it's a positive comment. It's assuming you want, or ought to want, something different to what you've had that is really annoying. Just so long as you would also say "how nice, two sons" or "how lovely, three daughters" etc...

Burren · 05/03/2014 21:15

I disagree totally with the 'nod and smile' brigade. Women in particular spend far too much taking the brunt of other people's thoughtlessness. I say stick a fork in their hand. It's what I do when people say 'Oh, a lonely only', and imply my lovely toddler is going to grow up to be a sociopath because I didn't give him a sibling.

If you don't stick a fork in their hand, they'll never learn. Fact.

KoalaFace · 05/03/2014 21:17

Oh negative comments are a totally different ball game. Anyone who says things like "lonely only" or "you must want a boy/girl now" are being really thoughtless or outright snide.

henrysmate · 05/03/2014 21:19

With 3 boys, I get this a lot. When people ask if I wish I'd had a girl I just tell them I took what they had in the shop at the time.

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