DH going to a wedding that I don't want to go to.

[GrahamOffJezzaKyle]

Really not sure if IBU or not, having sounded out a few friends they are split 50/50.

To explain, we have been invited to the wedding of a friend who we see about 3 times a year (we love 200 miles apart) The groom is DH's friend who DH met through his ex. DH and the groom stayed friends and I like him and his DP. We get on fine.

DH's ex caused us some a lot actually of problems when we first got together. Ringing up the house, getting her friends to abuse me over the internet etc (I know, right?!) She is going to be at this wedding and for this reason I do not wish to go. I will feel really uncomfortable and I will be at a disadvantage as she will be surounded by people she knows and I will be the outsider. Usually not knowing anyone wouldn't bother me as I am fairly confident in talking to people and being socialble. But I know that I would be on edge all day.

So I made my excuses up and said to DH i wouldn;t be going. I said that childcare would be difficult (kind of true as our two options for babysitting will be difficult that weekend!) DH knew I was lying even though I insisted I wasn't but I didn't want to own up about why I didn't really want to do because it sounds like teenage stuff, doesn't it? But he got it out of me in the end. He said he understood why I would be uncomfortable but wanted me to go anyway. I refused. He had to send the RSVP back today and he's going alone.

I feel a bit unsupported tbh. I have NOT said this or acted hurt. I said I am happy for him to go alone but inside I was hoping he would make his excuses up and not go. Like I said, it's not a close friend. If it was him best mate I would be forcing him out the door but it's someone we hardly see.

AIBU? I feel like I am and I am not all at the same time.

You're not a loser!

I know its a long shot, but maybe, just maybe she's done some growing up in the last 10 years. Maybe she feels really bad about what she did.

Do you know anyone that knows her now?

YANBU for not wanting to go, but sometimes the things you dread the most turn out not to be so bad (not wishing to belittle your experiences at all here) and may actually put some demons to bed.

of course you don't want to see someone who bullied you online. must have been awful and i think you're right not to go.

i think the best thing is to tell your dh how you're feeling. he still may go but at least he'll understand. and try to understand his going. i don't think there will be negative consequences from you not going. you have a good excuse.

I can completely understand why you don't want to spend a day in the company of someone who was so horrible to you. I think declining due to childcare is the best thing. As far as your dh is concerned, I can see why you'd rather he didn't go either, but really it's fair enough that he would like to be there to see his friend get married. I would plan something really lovely for you and your children to do on the day of the wedding and forget about it.

It's quite possible the ex will feel like a proper tit about the way she behaved and may be too embarrassed to face you both at the wedding - you never know, she may not even go if she hears you are going to be there.

I think your feelings are valid, but I would go if I were you. She is the one who should feel bad and nervous about facing you, and you can hold your head up high. Is there a chance she may not attend anyway?

OP I see how you feel the way you do, my DH also has a crazy ex and it's HORRIBLE. I don't think that YANBU to want to stay home, especially given your anxiety.

Howecer, I also think that your DH is NBU to want to go. And in this circumstance, I would definitely want to accompany him, as it lets you control the 'story' a bit. Everyone would see the two of you together, talk about your kids, and forget past stuff. It's always amazing to me how things that are burned on my memory about DH's ex are just dim memories to everyone else.

Whatever you decide, why not be very upfront about the whole thing and about how you feel. So far you have not been very honest, and it seems that your approach here has also not been very straightforward - you started off saying you're very confident, and only after some (very mean) attacks did you talk about crippling anxiety. Separately, have you had any chance to talk to someone as well as the medication? Often depression and anxiety can be exacerbated when we don't know how to communicate our needs and to get these met.

Hope you have a lovely night at home with the DCs, or even out at the wedding, and you don't let his cray ex ruin even one more minute of your lovely life together!

I don't honestly think that you should even tell your DH that emotionally you don't want him to go, as he probably doesn't want to upset you. It could also be seen as your trying to prevent him going, when you know he wants to. Or you could tell him but be insistent that it's just your feelings of anxiety kicking in and of course he must go.

But, if you do decide to keep it to yourself, you will have to work out a way to let it go, because you can't have him go to the wedding by himself and then punish him for doing so, that would be really unfair.

And, in your place, I really would not go myself.

I understand you not wanting to go but you can't expect him not to. And it's not about supporting you, it's about supporting his pal who is getting married. Just leave him be, let him go and put a smile on your face when he does. You're his wife. She is an ex. Cuckoo or not. She is not going to ruin someone's wedding by being an idiot. I presume you trust him ? So no issues. You've said your bit and he's said his.