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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going to a wedding that I don't want to go to.

83 replies

GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 15:06

Really not sure if IBU or not, having sounded out a few friends they are split 50/50.

To explain, we have been invited to the wedding of a friend who we see about 3 times a year (we love 200 miles apart) The groom is DH's friend who DH met through his ex. DH and the groom stayed friends and I like him and his DP. We get on fine.

DH's ex caused us some a lot actually of problems when we first got together. Ringing up the house, getting her friends to abuse me over the internet etc (I know, right?!) She is going to be at this wedding and for this reason I do not wish to go. I will feel really uncomfortable and I will be at a disadvantage as she will be surounded by people she knows and I will be the outsider. Usually not knowing anyone wouldn't bother me as I am fairly confident in talking to people and being socialble. But I know that I would be on edge all day.

So I made my excuses up and said to DH i wouldn;t be going. I said that childcare would be difficult (kind of true as our two options for babysitting will be difficult that weekend!) DH knew I was lying even though I insisted I wasn't but I didn't want to own up about why I didn't really want to do because it sounds like teenage stuff, doesn't it? But he got it out of me in the end. He said he understood why I would be uncomfortable but wanted me to go anyway. I refused. He had to send the RSVP back today and he's going alone.

I feel a bit unsupported tbh. I have NOT said this or acted hurt. I said I am happy for him to go alone but inside I was hoping he would make his excuses up and not go. Like I said, it's not a close friend. If it was him best mate I would be forcing him out the door but it's someone we hardly see.

AIBU? I feel like I am and I am not all at the same time.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 05/03/2014 15:58

If I were you I would go. It may be uncomfortable, boring, hard work etc, but you are a couple & you should go with him. It is just one day out of your life.

IHateWinter · 05/03/2014 16:10

YANBU It sounds like his ex has caused you genuine hurt and distress in the past, getting her friends to slander you on the internet etc which is bullying. I would defo not want to go. Its like going to a party where you know virtually no one, except the bitch in the corner and her chummy mates. You will not be having a good time at all.

You say you don't mind hubby going, so that's fine if he wants to go. I think he could consider your feelings more tbh.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/03/2014 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 16:18

"How can he possibly support you if he doesn't know your actual reasons for not wanting to go?"

I did tell him. I said in my OP that I owned up.

No, I wasn't the other woman. The drama was about ten years ago. I'm sure she won't ruin her friend's reception. I have no idea if she has a DP etc. I didn't cause the split, in fact they'd been broken up a while when I met DH. I think she is a tad cuckoo.

I know I am being a bit U but also glad that some posters can see why. I'll have to be in a room with the woman who was vile to me online, the ex and a room full of people who know DH from when he was in a relationship with her. Even without the previous nastiness, I'd feel really out of place.

OP posts:
Original poster
GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 16:21

Well your second bit obviously was aimed at me or else why not just post that particular musing on any other thread, SolidGold? Hmm Don't particularly see how I'm being a special snowflake when I've not asked him not to go and am bottling it up and keeping it to myself, either.

And yes, I do have a formal diagnosis and I am on medication. 100mg Citalopram and beta blockers.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 05/03/2014 16:31

You're contradicting yourself.

You can't have owned up and told him as well as bottling it up and keeping it to yourself.

Maybe you are feeling like this because of the depression rather than because of anything your DH is doing.

Original poster
GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 16:34

I said I'd owned up to the real reason I didn't want to go.

I am bottling up the feeling that I'd rather he'd have declined the invitation. I've not hinted that I don't want him to go.

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 05/03/2014 16:35

She "owned up" to the real reason she didn't want to go to the wedding.

She is "bottling up" how she feels a bit unsupported - she hasn't told him that she feels unsupported by him going to the wedding, or that she feels hurt by it.

LtEveDallas · 05/03/2014 16:36

Sorry OP, didn't mean to talk for you, cross post.

EEatingSoupForLunch · 05/03/2014 16:38

"Special snowflake" SGB? A bit harsh, I assume you don't have much experience with mental health problems?

IHateWinter · 05/03/2014 16:38

as opposed to one of those vague Ishoos that self-obsessed whiners use as an all-purpose Get My Own Way card, it's unfair on family and friends to expect them to put up, indefinitely, with your special-snowflake Condition

Well god if I was the OP and did suffer from genuine mental health issues, that post would make me feel much shittier SoldGold. I think that is a disgusting post, and iIwonder why you think its O.K. to suggest that a genuine anxiety disorder is a just a way of manipulating people? Is it any wonder that people with Mental health problems don't like to talk about them, when they are confronted with ignorant post like yours?

Ignore it OP.

WhoDaresWins · 05/03/2014 16:42

I think it's reasonable enough that he wants to go and you're doing the right thing by not pressuring him not to.

Have you thought that he wants you to go with him so he can show you off and rub ex's nose in it? She didn't win and you being there as a loving couple would illustrate that beautifully. Living well is the best revenge.

Original poster
GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 16:42

Not at all LtEve. Thanks for understanding what I was saying. I was just re-reading my post to make sure I had explained myself. I was sure I had!

Thanks too, IHateWinter and EatingSoup. SGB's post has made me feel shitty. She has form for it though so...

OP posts:
ItsAFuckingVase · 05/03/2014 16:49

Honestly, this is the kind of stuff brides write about as something from nightmares!!

It was undoubtedly shitty what ex did, but it was 10 years ago, and you've not mentioned B+G being involved so I think YABU to expect your DH to not go out of some sort of misplaced loyalty to you.

That said, I do understand why you don't want to go. I suppose you need to decide whether you'll feel more anxious going or being home and thinking about your DH being there.

Original poster
GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 16:49

And FYI SGB, my anxiety manifests itself in stuttering, facial flushing (very severe and embarrassing which sets off a vicious circle of anxiety as I then worry about my appearance!) palpitations and severe dizziness.

And as an added bonus, I can't drink when on beta blockers due to my hypertension. Such joy.

But still, it's such a vague ishoo....

OP posts:
Original poster
GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 16:50

" I suppose you need to decide whether you'll feel more anxious going or being home and thinking about your DH being there."

Both scenarios set me twitching. I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 05/03/2014 17:02

OP - Please change your mind and go to the wedding with your DH. You were both invited, don't let his ex dictate what you do. Put a face on things, and completely ignore her. Your DH is happy to go to the wedding with you as his DW at his side. It would have been far worse if he'd wanted to go without you! You'll present togetherness and a united front. So you can hold your head high. Thats what matters. Not his ex. I understand why you don't want to go - but at the same time its a real shame and will play on your mind when he goes off to the wedding. He isn't wrong to go - its his friend's wedding. Just have a think about it. I hope you get done up to the nines and go to the wedding on your DHs arm Smile

Viviennemary · 05/03/2014 17:06

If this is going to cause you stress and anxiety don't go. But if your DH wants to go then that's fine. I think there are folk who will be in shit stirring mood years later. If that's the way they are inclined. So don't go. Easiest thing to do.

MistressDeeCee · 05/03/2014 17:06

Also they were a couple 10 years ago, not recently. I think you're on a slippery slope when you try to control where your partner goes. Where does it stop? Just a thought...

TheDevilDrives · 05/03/2014 17:08

What's the problem? You don't want to go, your DH does. You've declined the invitation, your DH is attending. You've got what you want, he's got what he wants. YANBU.

I don't see any issue here, both of you are doing what you prefer to do, which is as it should be. There is no drama. To discuss the whys and wherefores further and to micro-analyse the decision, now that would be creating a drama.

overmydeadbody · 05/03/2014 17:10

Graham I think you should try to go, if nothing else because the isues with the ex were ten years ago, and actually seeing her might help you put all the nastiness and hurt she caused you behind yourself. She might have changed, she might even feel really bad about what she did to you, and she will most likely not say or do anything to you.

As for everyone else knowing your DP from when he was with his ex, it was a very long time ago, you should go to social a
gatherings with them and your DP so that they can start to think more of you with him, not her with him.

I know it is hard, but I do think your DP is doing the right thing. You can't let someone from your past hold you back from having good experiences in the present.

mouldyironingboard · 05/03/2014 17:13

Are the friends who were nasty also going to be at the wedding? I can understand wanting to avoid being around such nasty people and can completely understand you feeling unsupported by your DH in this.

I would also avoid this wedding in your situation and I don't suffer with anxiety. I would hate mixing with people who have bullied me or been abusive towards me unless I had a chance to 'accidentally' spill a drink over the ex (I am joking but it's a tempting thought!)

LastOneDancing · 05/03/2014 17:15

If I wasnt upset to miss the wedding, I wouldn't go anywhere where I was the odd one out, surrounded by known crazies who had tried to bully and intimidate me - and that's without an anxiety problem.

If that's classed as a 'win' on crazy ex's part - congrats to her, enjoy it love. Way better than me feeling like shit.

I wouldn't stop my DH from going though and I'd actually be pleased that he was representing us.

specialsubject · 05/03/2014 17:15

bottom line - if she wasn't there would you want to go to the wedding? If no, then don't go.

if yes, then go. Assuming it is not a five-people wedding, you may not even see her. If you do, then dignified cold shoulder time.

I went to a big wedding and came across one of the few people I really hate, because he put my partner and quite a few other people in danger. He is Mr Smarm and most people like him. He said hello, my partner and I gave him fixed smiles, turned our backs and walked away. No-one else would even have noticed, no scene was created (Very important), point was made even to him.

revenge tastes best cold.

eurochick · 05/03/2014 17:17

I think you should go. The problems were a decade ago and you have all hopefully matured and moved on. And you would be there as your husband's wife. If there were to be any sillyness from this ex, she would look completely crazy. She's probably married with a couple of sprogs of her own now anyway, and has no interest in what happened back then.