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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH going to a wedding that I don't want to go to.

83 replies

GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 15:06

Really not sure if IBU or not, having sounded out a few friends they are split 50/50.

To explain, we have been invited to the wedding of a friend who we see about 3 times a year (we love 200 miles apart) The groom is DH's friend who DH met through his ex. DH and the groom stayed friends and I like him and his DP. We get on fine.

DH's ex caused us some a lot actually of problems when we first got together. Ringing up the house, getting her friends to abuse me over the internet etc (I know, right?!) She is going to be at this wedding and for this reason I do not wish to go. I will feel really uncomfortable and I will be at a disadvantage as she will be surounded by people she knows and I will be the outsider. Usually not knowing anyone wouldn't bother me as I am fairly confident in talking to people and being socialble. But I know that I would be on edge all day.

So I made my excuses up and said to DH i wouldn;t be going. I said that childcare would be difficult (kind of true as our two options for babysitting will be difficult that weekend!) DH knew I was lying even though I insisted I wasn't but I didn't want to own up about why I didn't really want to do because it sounds like teenage stuff, doesn't it? But he got it out of me in the end. He said he understood why I would be uncomfortable but wanted me to go anyway. I refused. He had to send the RSVP back today and he's going alone.

I feel a bit unsupported tbh. I have NOT said this or acted hurt. I said I am happy for him to go alone but inside I was hoping he would make his excuses up and not go. Like I said, it's not a close friend. If it was him best mate I would be forcing him out the door but it's someone we hardly see.

AIBU? I feel like I am and I am not all at the same time.

OP posts:

BrokenToeOuch · 05/03/2014 17:19

YABU.
You're being a martyr.
Do you think we can only go to the weddings of our best friends? Weddings are a great opportunity to stay in touch with people you see rarely, why would you want him to miss out on that because of your insecurities?

Are you getting help for these anxieties?

I think you need to get over what happened regarding the internet and all that other stuff, it was years ago.

I said I am happy for him to go alone but inside I was hoping he would make his excuses up and not go. Please don't let this appear on the outside. I know you've said you've hidden your feelings (not very well the first time though) but this really isn't fair. Send him with your blessing and don't be texting and calling him all night.

Can you arrange something nice for the same weekend so you won't be mulling it over?

Original poster

GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 17:22

I'm not sure I like "insecurities" being levelled at me. It makes me sound like I'm being neurotic and unreasonable for no reason other than my own issues. I think I have a valid reason for not being keen.

OP posts:

JackNoneReacher · 05/03/2014 17:23

I think you should go.

I think your DH could be the one feeling unsupported.

I'm not saying it will be easy in fact it could have some stressful moments. However, I also think avoiding situations because they may cause symptoms of anxiety is a dangerous precedent and can begin a vicious cycle. (speaking from bitter experience here) so if you can possibly cope, then really you should.

MistressDeeCee · 05/03/2014 17:27

Well yes you do have a valid reason for not being keen OP but most people are trying to advise you as best they feel they can, and you are being very defensive. There's some good kind advice here and there on thread. Its not hordes of people calling you defensive, can't you focus on that which doesnt seem negative to you? Anyway...this being the case just decide whether you want to go or not then; if you choose not to go and give your DH a hard time for going thats up to you, if you feel it would do any good. Some things aren't truly worth taking a stance over.

MistressDeeCee · 05/03/2014 17:28

*its not hordes of people calling you insecure, I should have said

perfectstorm · 05/03/2014 17:29

She's not told him how she feels, nor asked him not to go - she's just asking if the feeling is a reasonable one. And feelings, really, aren't amenable to reason - it's how we act on them that counts, as Dallas wisely says.

I don't think it is entirely reasonable as a hope/expectation, no, because it's his mate's wedding and he was clear he wanted you there with him, and understood why you couldn't. But I don't think you'd be very human to want to be there, given what you describe, and I think wanting him to avoid her presence with that history is human, too. Especially if he was less supportive than he might have been over it at the time (conversely, if he was always staunchly supportive and everything you could have hoped while she reacted as she did, then you're being a bit less fair, too). But the reality is that after a longterm relationship people will have mutual friends, and it isn't fair to penalise them for being fair to both sides.

I understand your feelings, but I think you also need to understand that he's not doing anything wrong or unfair. It isn't the ex's wedding.

IronOrchid · 05/03/2014 17:30

I have anxiety too, OP (dx'd and treated to keep SolidGold happy), and can totally see where you're coming from. Is there a chance you may regret not going, though? I know envisaging negative scenarios is a bit part of having anxiety - the reality will likely be nowhere near as bad and you'll have that unshakeable triumph of not being cowed by the other party (outwardly at least!).

Original poster

GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 17:30

I don't think I'm being defensive! I'm just answering honestly and reasonably (so I thought) I've just happened to notice that a few posters have said that my insecurities are doing this that or the other. I just felt it was unfair.

I've read the kind advice and 'listened' to it. I'm not intending to give DH a hard time over anything. Which is probably why I am posting about it here...

OP posts:

Electryone · 05/03/2014 17:32

Im not being unsympathetic to your mental health issues but the problem with anxiety is that it gets maintained by avoidance, its the old flight or fight response. You do have insecurities if your worried about an ex of your partner of 10 years ago, regardless of how nasty she was. I would go, yes it wont be easy but anxiety can be tackled, it just involves hard work.

perfectstorm · 05/03/2014 17:34

SGB's post was tactless in the circumstances, and you do have a genuine mental health issue, but she's also not wrong that a lot of people do use claimed issues to manipulate. Look at how often toxic relatives will develop "an illness" after being told to cut something out. Again, you have a genuine diagnosis and are genuinely not able to handle going, and I absolutely respect that (though if it was all a decade ago, I doubt it's something the ex thinks about much anymore - that's a long, long time) but it's a valid point that some would not be as truthful about it. SGB can be challenging but she's not malicious or cruel. Just very direct. By the time I got to the thread it had been clarified you had a diagnosed disorder, but I have to be honest, if I'd read it before that I would very possibly have wondered and not asked - at least SGB gave you the honesty, and allowed you to clarify.

Original poster

GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 17:35

DH has other exes. I don't give them a second's thought. Just the one who was quite abusive towards me.

I understand that facing up to issues is a decent way of dealing with things but I don't think that the wedding is the place to try it out. I'll be feeling vulnerable, possibly isolated and anxious just by being in a room full of strangers. My chest is getting red just thinking about it. :(

OP posts:

maggiemight · 05/03/2014 17:37

I said dont' go but don't beat yourself up about it or let others. You are an individual and making your own choices in life, you have made this choice, it's a good one for you, so forget about it now.

Ime weddings, even family ones, are pretty quickly forgotten. Lots of people usually attend, one more or less is neither here nor there.

Why do something you don't want to, life is faaaaaaaaaaaaar too short

mm
(significant birthday approaching )

hollyisalovelyname · 05/03/2014 17:55

YANBU to decline the invite.
But your dh is perfectly entitled to go.
There will be old mates of his there it should be enjoyable for him.
Men don't have the subtlety of thinking that women do. So your dh thought you were fine with him going you said so..... but from your attitude he then realized it wasn't fine. He's probably saying to himself - 'Women, I'll never understand them !'

PuppyMonkey · 05/03/2014 18:07

Up to you if you don't go, obviously. But I can't help thinking what all the other guests (including the ex and her mates) are going to be thinking when they see you're not there with your DH. You'll probably be the hot gossip of the occasion. Whereas if you just go, they'll not bat an eyelid.

Electryone · 05/03/2014 18:18

Puppy has a good point, you don't want to draw attention to yourself yet by not going this is what is going to happen. If your anxiety is that bad then don't go. But its not your DHs fault you cant go and he wants to.

Animation · 05/03/2014 19:27

I definately would NOT go and wouldn't want DH going either. No question.

If I'd been through that trauma - not bloody likely!!

Inertia · 05/03/2014 19:37

I wouldn't go either to be honest. And I don't think that many people will bother that you're not there- if anyone asks, your DH can just tell them that childcare is a big problem on this particular date, so he's gone to the wedding as he's known the couple for longer.

sarahquilt · 05/03/2014 19:42

YANBU. Why the hell is he going to a wedding with his ex there - who gave you a really hard time. I think he could be more sensitive to be honest.

ivanapoo · 05/03/2014 19:44

Completely understand why you don't want to go and even why you feel that way about your DH going, even though that bit is unreasonable - and would definitely be unreasonable to mention to your DH. I recommend venting to a friend instead.

Remember it's not your DH's ex's wedding, it's his friend's wedding. It's really nothing to do with her. She might not even go for all you know.

His ex is/was clearly a nasty unhinged person and she and her friends probably feel very embarrassed and awful about how they acted.

RandomMess · 05/03/2014 19:51

Perhaps it would be a really good thing if you tell your dh that logically you are happy for him to go and it's not an issue but emotionally you really wish he wasn't?

It is perfectly possible to have such contradictions going on??

MeepMeepVrooom · 05/03/2014 19:55

YANBU to not want to go. YABU to think your DH is being unsupportive by going when you've told him to go by himself.

Why lie? If you weren't happy you should have told him before today. Although in all honesty I think he'd be right to go anyway.

Your choices are your own but you can't expect him to miss a friends wedding. Especially when you are expecting him to guess how your feeling about his attendance.

perfectstorm · 05/03/2014 20:07

I don't think anyone but the ex will notice the OP isn't there, and even she will probably just be relieved - it's probably a horrible memory of a bad time in her life, no more nor less. From what the OP says she's not close to any of them, and few people remember very old dramas from other people's lives, especially not at an event like a wedding where so much focus is on one couple, and there are so many people. I totally understand why she doesn't want to be there, and it's a perfectly good reason.

Original poster

GrahamOffJezzaKyle · 05/03/2014 20:24

Thanks for the words of wisdom, folk.

I'm not arsed about drawing attention to myself by not being there. DH has told the groom that we have no childcare (it's a child-free day) and that's a perfectly believable excuse. I don't mind her and her mates speculating on it, because I won't be there.

Random what you said here has hit the nail on the head for me; "Perhaps it would be a really good thing if you tell your dh that logically you are happy for him to go and it's not an issue but emotionally you really wish he wasn't?"

That's exactly right! I'm such a loser.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/03/2014 20:31

Nope you are NOT a loser it's just for some reason the situation is making you feel I don't know - vulnerable, not important enough, insecure???

It could be a hugely positive thing to talk through your feelings with your dh and work out what is going on - perhaps something from your past that this makes this situation out of proportion?

We all project feelings, we all have our weak spots - admitting them, coming to terms with them makes you a much healthier person.

feathermucker · 05/03/2014 20:33

YABU.....

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