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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

little boy with autism

114 replies

x2boys · 04/03/2014 18:32

my three your old was diagnosed with autism and some learning difficulties at xmas at the moment life is awful both myself and my husband work opposite shifts to work around childcare I,m a nurse in a very stressful job work have not been at all supportive of my circumstances would I be being unreasonable to give up work for a bit to care for my son he is quite demanding with a terrible sleep pattern . we would have to claim some benefits we are currently awaiting a decision on dla . I would have to claim child tax credits housing benefit carers allowance but we would have a quality of life and there are all sorts of support groups and discounted days out that we can never go to and we could actually be a family I,m a trained nurse I wouldn't want to give up work for ever maybe a couple of years until my son is more settled what are peoples thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
x2boys · 04/03/2014 19:27

if we down sized about £200 pounds worse off a month?

OP posts:
AgaPanthers · 04/03/2014 19:28

You seem a bit vague. If you don't want to post specifics on here (or MSE), try the CAB. Be sure before making any decisions.

YouTheCat · 04/03/2014 19:29

A career break sounds ideal.

There was no way I could have worked until my ds was at school. I had to support him in nursery because there wasn't anyone available for half the year and he couldn't attend without the support.

RabbitPies · 04/03/2014 19:32

The OP is not giving up work just for the hell of it,WooWoo,or because she can't be arsed. But to be a career for her child,who has a severe disability,and who needs a full time carer.

BabsAndTheRu · 04/03/2014 19:32

Agree with Anniecarrieson
If you are a nurse in the NHS look up their family friendly policies, you can take a career break for five years and still have a job to go back into although might not be in the same ward. The career break is negotiated with your line manager and HR. I have worked with a couple of people who did this for the same reasons and the NHS was very supportive of them.
All the best op to you and your family.

Shellywelly1973 · 04/03/2014 19:32

I have a Ds9 with a diagnosis of ASD & ADHD. I also have a Ds5 being assessed for ASD.

I had a very well paid but stressful job but had to resign as i couldn't manage all the appointments & working full time.

Im self employed now & work around the dc.
I actually look forward to going to work for a rest!

I've been off for 5 weeks as dd was born 4 weeks ago & I'm seriously looking forward to going back next week!

You do what you need to- it will get easier...

HadABadDay2014 · 04/03/2014 19:34

Thanks for the correction. Not sure of the difference but I owe my sanity to that course.

I hope you don't mind me suggesting, but go on you tube and watch a is for autism it's a bbc short film and autism and me by Roy hoy. Also google PECS.

You have to do what's the best for your family and if that means coming out of work, then so be it.

Original poster
x2boys · 04/03/2014 19:35

I have already been down the flexible working policy I just said I could nt work nights the cant/wont accomdate me.

OP posts:
Original poster
x2boys · 04/03/2014 19:37

thanks had a bad day he is mainly non verbal but pecs don't work for hi he has no interst in books or pictures he is trying to sign though so we are going on a signalong course,

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2014 19:38

I wouldn't hesitate OP. Personally, I think benefits are there precisely to help families like you that need help and support at difficult times. It's what the system is there for.

It sounds like you would all be happier, I would definitley go for it.

Good luck to you OP. You sound ground down. I hope this move is as positive for you as it sounds xx

ouryve · 04/03/2014 19:39

Taking time out to be a carer is perfectly reasonable. You can't stretch yourself in all directions.

Kaffiene · 04/03/2014 19:40

My DD has a physical disability but I have up work when she was about 2 as I just couldn't cope anymore. I was too stretched and felt I was doing neither job well. Dd is now 6 and hopefully I will be able to work part time next year. Don't get me wrong it's been a hard slog at times but the sense of relief I felt when I gave up work was huge. I was able to concentrate 100% on her needs and my mental health. I don't think she would be where she is today without the Early Interventions by me so I would do it again without hesitation.

Original poster
x2boys · 04/03/2014 19:41

thanks bit out of practice we are all ground down at the moment and exhausted.

OP posts:
Four4me · 04/03/2014 19:41

I have just had a six year break (p-therapist) our ds1 has downs and I was struggling to come to terms with dx and all the appts etc. I have just completed my return to practice and have enjoyed returning to work as the time is right now (more of a juggle as we now have 4 dc). My registration lapsed and so I had to gain reregistration with our professional body, which was straightforward enough.
If you did some bank work (under 15 hours a week to still qualify for carers allowance if he gets dla) or a friend of mine who is a nurse works one night a week to keep her career going, yet focus on her family you would maintain your professional registration.
Good luck with it all.

BC27 · 04/03/2014 19:42

Hi OP,
My DS is autistic and I remember that feeling when the diagnosis was confirmed. It is very tough and you must believe that once you accept it, life will feel a whole lot brighter.
I carried on with my job afterwards and that worked for me. Being a SAHM is always hard work but being a SAHM for an autistic child takes this to another level. I've seen this with my close friend. She finds it all consuming.
Before you make a decision, take some time. Autism is a lifelong condition and you giving up work immediately will not change that. You have time to think this through and decide what is best for you as a person. As his mum, you will become his champion and will need to fight his corner and you must keep balanced and sane to do this. Decide if some time out each day, apart from the family, working in your chosen field, with adult company, will help you achieve this. I did for me, but it is horses for courses.
I really, really wish you all the best

Four4me · 04/03/2014 19:43

Sorry just seen your last post about bank and nights not working.

YouTheCat · 04/03/2014 19:44

If he's showing an interest in signing this might be helpful.

HadABadDay2014 · 04/03/2014 19:45

He is going to need a lot of help and support, with coming out of work and early intervention he may just go and lead a 'normal' life.

If you have done the figures and it seems to be only £200 worse off a month then go for it. ( have you taken out travel expenses and lunches ect out of the figures be cause they can easily add up)

AgaPanthers · 04/03/2014 19:47

Sounds like they could be more accommodating. Your son has a disability, they presumably could give you shifts that work for you.

Not sure if you could claim constructive dismissal on the basis of them refusing your reasonable request for different work patterns. Do you have a union?

Babiecakes91 · 04/03/2014 19:48

As a parent of a 2 year old little boy who was just diagnosed in January with autism, I say do what you feel is right.
Due to my son not being able to attend his private nursery as they couldn't keep up with him I had no option but to stop working last year.
Now he's in a council nursery for 2.5hours 3 mornings a week, not enough time for a job but he has so many early intervention therapy's he attends I can't see me returning to full time employment for a while.
I do feel bad about claiming benefits as people just assume I'm a scrounger but without the system we wouldn't have anything at all.
I went on to the national autistic society website and got an autism alert card so when people judge me I can show them why my son can't talk can't walk outside or go on bus out of his buggy or screams if he is fixated on a bright sign and I move him away from it.

Original poster
x2boys · 04/03/2014 19:50

well we would have less travel expanses and currently we waste money by buying sandwiches etc just because neither of us have the time to do little things like but if I was at home I can cook every night have a routine make packed lunches etc,

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 04/03/2014 19:50

Babiecakes, if people are judging you and your lovely 2 year old, I'd suggest more cards but ones that say 'stop staring, you utter wanker' Grin

Chippednailvarnish · 04/03/2014 19:51

Could you take an unpaid sabbatical? It might take some pressure off you whilst you get everything else in place.

DogQuestions · 04/03/2014 19:51

I'm normally the first person to tell people to stick to their jobs through difficult periods, in the interests if safeguarding their family's long term financial security. However in this case, because you're a nurse and it's a profession that's normally more amenable to career breaks than most, and you can potentially keep your hand in with occasional agency shifts, I'd say go for it, once your financial / benefits situation is definite.

ElectricalBanana · 04/03/2014 19:53

I did the same ( exh and I were qualified nurses) I took clinic work and then had to just put it all on hold to look after dd2 who has global delay and autism on top of epilepsy and type 1 diabetes.

Then she went to school and things got easier. She left school and I started childminding so I can support her now she is a young adult ( they seem to need more help as they get older!)