Who is being unreasonable?

[Regbooboo]

You may have seen my previous posts on whether I should join my husband to live in Canada. I have decided that I will give it a try as he has lived in the UK for 11 years even though he hated it. I have told my DD (34 years) and DS (28 years) and my son is OK with it although obviously he will miss me.

My DD on the other hand is very upset that I am going and leaving her and DGS (22 months). I will be coming back every six months for a visit and to stay six weeks or so.

My DD and my DH (not her dad) have never got on and she has always resented him from day one. One of the reasons he went back to Canada is because she is so controlling. I posted a pic on Facebook of me and DGS and my DH commented that I looked good and that he was looking forward to me coming to join him "in our little house on the prarie" (as we call it). DD commented "Yeah Mum you will be happy then". DH then retorted with "thanks for your support". All a bit nasty really. Once again I AM STUCK IN THE MIDDLE and I am fucking totally fed up with it. She says he's got his own way and rubbing her nose in it and he says why can't he comment that he's looking forward to me arriving. I sometimes wish I was completely on my own and to let them all get on with it.

Would like to know who is being unreasonable (if anyone) in this instance?

Sorry for long post but no-one else to discuss with.

Thanks for your patience.

My grandparents moved away and my mum was sad that she'd not see them as much, but happy that they were following their dreams and supported that.

If you love somebody, you think of their happiness above your own. Your DD isn't doing that.

Agree with all other posters. I think she is being VVVVV U! Especially if you are really planning to come back every 6 months or so for 6 weeks.

Your DD sounds like a complete nightmare. Go to Canada & enjoy your life.

Your dd sounds quite spoilt. Sorry! But at 34 she really shouldn't be making you feel like this.

It sounds like she's going to be upset about the loss of the free babysitting on tap more than anything else.

She is definitely the one that's being unreasonable here.

Thanks for all your encouraging replies. Yes, I'm afraid my DD is a lot like her father and has a way of talking you into a corner (similar to being in a witness box sometimes) - think she would have made a great barrister! But in addition to her faults she is the most generous, caring and vulnerable girl. I have encouraged us to have a very close relationship and she has said that maybe I shouldn't have if I cannot keep it up. It doesn't help that my Mum was 100% totally supportive to me until her dementia took over and I know my DD will miss this closeness. I wouldn't feel apart from here if I lived a street or a planet away and ...

apologies where I DD, DH'd and vice versa in my previous posts.

would feel apart from "her"

argh .... meant "I wouldn't feel apart from "HER" if I lived a street or a planet away"

Regbooboo, sorry to say this but your daughter is one nasty piece of work. Her father was abusive and controlling and it seems to me that he has trained her to carry on his work.

You parent your grandson at the weekend while they lie-in until 2pm ? No wonder your daughter doesn't want you to go, the selfish madam.

Go to Canada. Be free of the collective abuse of your first husband and his daughter (because frankly she is behaving more as his daughter than as yours). Be happy with your husband in your little house on the prairie.

The problem is in your feeling of guilt that your dd is exploiting to the hilt and being horribly ungrateful to boot.

As a mother you don't have to have done anything particularly wrong to feel guilty, but it is very very harmful when it comes to raising children. If you think you did something wrong, it is good to recognise it and then move on

You sound like a lovely and lucky person. Enjoy your husband and enjoy Quebec

100% your DD is being unreasonable. I recall your other post and encouraged you then to go be with your DH. You need to get out and be free from your awful controlling DD. She has you totally snowed about her being "lovely and vulnerable".

Your husband has every right to be happy you're coming to stay and she was being snarky.

It is going to be an adjustment, she is going to try and guilt you but you need to give yourself time and set yourself a "goal" in terms of living there so that you can fight her "move back Nnoooowwww" whining.

Shit, I'd kick her out of DH2's house and make her live on her own wages. This little girl has never grown up and needs a good kick up the rear!

I'm going to agree with the others as well - your DD might be "generous, caring and vulnerable", but she is obviously also highly emotionally blackmailing and manipulative.

You have your own life to lead. She has hers. You must do what is right for you - imagine if she got together with someone who then got her to move to Australia, do you think she'd refuse to go because of you? I'd say almost certainly not! She would do what she wanted to, because she's the one in charge of the relationship between the two of you, and you'd be left to make the best of her decision.

So. Take back your autonomy and go to your husband. You'll still be able to contact her and your DGS via Skype (invaluable!) or similar, to maintain a relationship with him - it certainly helps my two boys stay close to their grandpa back in the UK.

I think that you should have a straight talk with your DD, after which you should go.

I don't think that she is horrible, I doubt that you would agree with that either?

I think that she is trying, to control you so you show her that you do love her, even though you left when she was eight.

This sort of unreasonableness is common in children towards their Mothers who leave, when the child is around that age, especially if their resident parent hasn't helped them get through their hurt.

Nothing can make up for her being left and life changing again when your second marriage ended, she can't get those years back, when she was a child trying to understand why her world turned upside down.

Do the pair of you speak honestly?

I have adult children, tbh, I wouldn't emigrate, but I had a happy marriage until I was widowed, so I understand why you want this shot at happiness.

Times were different when you had your children, I can understand why you made the decisions that you did.

I don't think that you staying would solve her issues, you can't undo the past.

It is a sensitive situation, I have had them in my wider family and I've never quite understood the need for adults to take things onto FB, tbh.

So on that point, your DH should of kept his sentiments about looking forward to you joining him to private messages, for your Grandsons sake, as well, who I'm sure will miss you being a constant in his life.

The good thing about FB is that it is a chronology of the years, pictures, events don't get lost, unlike photos.

When my mother died and my father remarried, I was broken hearted when he left for a new life half a world away. I cant even begin to describe that rejection - and we had a close and loving relationship. But it wasn't my place to say anything other than to wish him happiness.

So I can kind of see where your daughter is coming from. You may have your reasons, but in her eyes you rejected her in her teens when you left your original husband. You were the NRP. It's an interesting life that you have lead, one based on men; you've never stood on your own two feet and been your own person, you come across as quite reliant on a man to support you. You're also very adept at procuring generous financial settlements and getting the new husband to support your children.

I'd query whose genes she really has, because as much as you paint it as you're so hard done by, you've done very well in life at the expense of other people. I would love to see her side of this story.

I have encouraged us to have a very close relationship and she has said that maybe I shouldn't have if I cannot keep it up

wtaf?

Go to Canada, be happy.

I guess your daughter has never felt she was a priority in your life. That's a very natural reaction. Sorry but I don't think your DO is totally the bad person here. I am not saying you are either but some of your choices seem to suggest you have put your own happiness before he's

I don't think your DH should have put that comment on Facebook either. Talk about rubbing salt into the wounds. To your DD its just yet another person who has diverted you away from her.

We reap what we sew in life.

Showering someone with gifts, giving them a house, letting them have lie ins etc does not automatically erase things that have happened that they wished could have been different. The most precious thing you can give is time and maybe that's what your DD did not get.

Just giving the alternative perspective. .

Yes, you've lavished time on your mother, all your husbands and now your grandchild but never on your own children.

Perhaps she's feeling like since your DM died and the new husband went to Canada, that you, under the guise of being magnanimous and helpful really are just lonely and marking time until you get your next thrill? You've also popped few little snipes into your post eg the one about them sleeping till 2pm.

You sleep with the child, monopolise the child and are getting ready to jet off into the big blue yonder again.

Yes, I really would like to see your daughters take on all this

So when your DD was 8 you didn't "go home one evening" and left her and her 2 year old brother with your "bullying" and "abusive" husband whilst you shacked up with another man?

Thank goodness I scrolled down to read what darling grace and daisyvhain have to say - I was beginning to think I was reading a different thread to the rest of you.

I think that you have been a selfish mother OP. The men in and out of your life, how many? I lost count when reading. the fact that your DC lived away from you because of men.

I don't think your DD is being a brat. You had finally started to put her needs before your own (albeit through your GC) and she feels let down by you again. I don't blame her for being clingy/ emotionally immature. She must be very weary of this man merrygoround you are on.

Go to Canada. It may damage your 'relationship' but I'd say it was already damaged long ago.

Also, I have encouraged us to have a very close relationship and she has said that maybe I shouldn't have if I cannot keep it up. Little wonder she feels this way. Her life with you has not been stable. Sounds like a bloody nightmare for her.

If I'm really going to be honest, the 'toyboy' that is husband No3. You met him when you were 45, 14 year age gap, 12 years ago - he's closer to your daughters age than yours. All these things contribute to a feeling of rejection.

Although I'm wondering what hook you have over him if he's gone back to Canada whilst you dilly-dally and make up your mind whether its him or your family you want.

But you will do what you want to do, at the expense of other people. I'd also kick the toyboy into touch - married partners do not relocate to another country without fully discussing with their partners first, let alone leaving the relationship in a limbo. But I doubt you will, not without a reserve.

I find it very interesting that just because the OP is female she is being lambasted for leaving her children- I don't think had she been male she would have had it quite so hard.
I'm not saying I think the OP is entirely innocent in this situation either, but if she was physically assaulted to the point of having limbs broken I think it's harsh to judge her leaving. She says the first ex husband treated the children well and we all should be aware how abusive relationships can take their toll on someone's mental state.
That said, I do agree that the DD seems to be very needy which may well come from living apart from her as a child, but the DD is 34 years old, a grown woman who (If the op is correct in the way she lives) has had lots of attempts to make things up to her, as it were. The OP can't be held to ransom for eternity. At some point the DD has to let it go.

Nobody - nothing to do with OP being female; I'd say the same to anyone who abandoned their child in this way.

Nobody The OP's problems with DD are a result of her daughter's unstable upbringing. She has been part of her mothers numerous failed relationships with men and I have every sympathy with her.
If I could advise the DD and not the mother, I would tell her to let go, stop trying to win a part of your Mum. You have your own family and children so concentrate on giving them the stable life you never had.

Fair enough ophelia- I just think as a general rule in life women who leave and become the NRP get it harder than men in that situation. The OP was in an abusive, violent relationship, she left in what sounds like a very distressed state, she was likely to be very emotionally and psychologically fragile at that time and allowed herself to be bullied by her ex, but did keep up contact. I'm not saying she didn't make mistakes, but hindsight and lack of fear are great things. I think saying she abandoned her child is a bit harsh. She didn't walk out and never look back, she just became the NRP. As many many people do every day.