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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband is a controlling bastard - AIBU to absolutely and silently Hate him

115 replies

MrRected · 03/03/2014 12:02

I am so angry and feel so enraged. Forgive me for this rant and feel free to tell me AIBU for hating my husband right now.

My husband hates our dogs. He hates their mess, their needs, their smell, their very existence. We have polished floorboards and they have scratched the floors (no more than the humans in the house have though).

My husband is constantly complaining - the nett result is that I am a bit defensive. I am always having to listen to him go on and on about the fucking dogs!!!!! The dogs are generally well behaved and I take care of all their needs. I can't stop them urinating on the lawn though - this smells and leaves patches on the lawn. The dogs do tear up the yard a bit - they run around and there is a pathway on the turf. I keep them away from the front garden so that he can keep his manicured garden intact.

Anyway tonight he gets an ice cream out of the freezer - a paper wrapped one out of a multipack. It was stored next to the frozen dog mince. It had picked up a bad smell. DH was cross and started harping on about it. When I didn't rise to it he started shouting.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me I am so sick of him harping on. This is a family home - not a show home. He cannot understand why I am defensive and says I disrespect him because I tense up when he starts banging on.

Why can't he just be a normal human being and enjoy pet ownership. For the record he was part of the decision making process when we got the dogs - which he now denies. The dogs are not allowed to run wild, I don't allow them on furniture or beds. They sleep in the garage.

So upset as I know I need to rehome them. Wish I could rehome him sometimes!!!!!

OP posts:

CalamityKate · 03/03/2014 14:41

Well tbh I can see both sides here.

My DH is not a doggy person. At all. He hates hair, mud, dust etc. it took me a long time to persuade him to let me have a dog. In the end we got two because we re homed the pup's mum at the same time. I always agreed that their care was down to me. Of course if I'm away for whatever reason he'll feed them and let them out but beyond that he's not interested although he will give them a fuss and a bit of sweet talk if he feels like it.

They've wrecked the garden, as dogs do with wee etc. Pup chewed a bit as a baby and took a long time to housetrain. He sometimes has a moan if he's got out of bed the wrong side.

He always says he didn't realise how expensive they can be....I may have downplayed how much equipment we'd need, vets bills etc..... :)

But senior dog was poorly recently and he came with me to what we really thought was going to be her last trip to the vet :(

DH got every bit as tearful as me, was every bit as relieved as I was when it turned out to be something treatable, and didn't quibble about spending whatever was necessary to give her a chance.

It's about give and take. He realises how much they mean to me even though as a non doggy person he doesn't understand. For my part I try very hard to make sure they don't impact on his life too much. I love him for putting up with them. The ice cream/mince situation would have him gagging!

clam · 03/03/2014 15:01

I agree. This is NOT about the dogs.

KittensoftPuppydog · 03/03/2014 15:10

Get rid of the arsehole. Anyone who can't love dogs isn't worth knowing.

Jux · 03/03/2014 15:27

I would not tolerate a dh who behaved like this. Agree that if it were not the dogs it would be something else.

Next time, just tell him very firmly that you are not prepared to listen to this any more, you have done everything you can to ameliorate the situation and that the dogs which he helped to get are part of your lives and he has to just grow the fuck up and act like an adult. Then walk away.

Jux · 03/03/2014 15:28

And no, I wouldn't be pandering to him by sending the dogs away for even a day.

MoreBeta · 03/03/2014 15:29

I know everyone is saying it NOT about the dogs but actually I think TBH it would get on my nerves.

I was brought up with dogs - 42 of them at one time to be precise.l

I would not have a dog in my house, never owned one and don't intend to. I would not keep pet mince in my freezer. No way.

The Lego thing is interesting. He sounds OCD or Aspergers to me and for people with those traits a 'messy' dog would be overwhelming.

I think you need to try and persuade him to go and talk to someone about cognitive behavioural therapy. It will help him deal with the severe stress he feels when things are 'messy'.

Trying to control his environment is spilling over into making you feel like he is controlling you. I really think you should ask him to talk to someone. Not liking dogs is understandable but getting stressed over Lego is not 'normal'.

BackOnlyBriefly · 03/03/2014 16:02

OP your DH needs to take some responsibility for wanting the 2nd dog. I can see him making a mistake with the first one, but surely he knew by then what it would be like? How old are they? Could you reach a compromise about not replacing them when they go?

But reading things like this:

Why can't he just be a normal human being and enjoy pet ownership.

Get rid of the arsehole. Anyone who can't love dogs isn't worth knowing.

makes me want to ask what's so normal and wonderful about someone who likes shit and dog hair all over their home. By chance I was just quoted a thread on here about how dogs like to eat each others shit. Watching that must pass many a happy hour and must add an extra dimension when they lick their owners face 'lovingly'.

innisglas · 03/03/2014 16:30

I haven't read all the posts, so forgive me if someone else has already said this, but it sounds like he is not accepting responsability for his own fuck-ups. He is using you as a whipping boy for a decision you both took.

In my youth several friends and I shared a house and we had a cat who consistently peed on pillows. We had to keep it outside as a consequence. Because I would not contemplate giving it to a shelter for rehousing because nobody would keep a cat like that and it would just have spent its life in a cage, my friends took to telling me off everytime the cat did anything until I finally gave up on the cat and said, ok fine. They decided that it was not right to give the cat away and stopped blaming me.

I don't say that will work with him, but you've got to do something to stop him projecting his hassle with the dogs unto you.

Electryone · 03/03/2014 16:30

I cant believe some of the replies here, such as anyone who cant love dogs isn't worth knowing!!! That's mad. If its about control in the relationship then that had to be addressed. To tell someone however to leave a 22 year marriage because they don't like dogs is not helpful, and its spectacularly narrow minded view to say above statement. IM not a fan of dogs and find it laughable anyone would say I wasn't worth knowing because of it.OP...a compromise of some description will have to be reached.

Electryone · 03/03/2014 16:31

Damnautocorrect · 03/03/2014 16:46

So he wanted the dogs, you've done a lot of compromising and he's still going on.
Was he like this before the dogs?

CalamityKate · 03/03/2014 16:52

I agree, Electryone.

As I said above, my husband isn't an animal person. He is however on the whole a wonderful husband and father.

He didn't grow up in an animal-orientated household. Maybe if he had he'd have turned out more of an animal lover. Maybe not; I suspect animal lovers are born rather than made. Regardless, him not liking dogs would not be a reason to leave him.

However, him agreeing to me having dogs and THEN being a right arsehole about the mess or whatever, might be. He does get pissed off at times but he knows he can't grumble too much A) because he knows it upsets me and B) because he did after all agree to having them.

Saying that anyone who doesn't like dogs isn't worth knowing is ludicrous.

spaceykaz · 03/03/2014 17:02

Dogs are as annoying as hell, even if you like them.

If the mess and the smell and the drool/hair/excrement is really no big deal to you because you just wuv doggy woggies so much, you deal with it instead of the person who hates having it in their life and is enduring the dogs for your enjoyment.

KinderBoris · 03/03/2014 17:46

I hate our dogs and their smells and their mess. But DH loves them so I would never ask him to get rid of them.

He agreed to the dogs, even instigated getting one of them. What does he want you to do?!

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 03/03/2014 19:51

I am sorry to hear about your difficulties OP.

If you ever do need to re home your dog/s, might I suggest JR Whippet Rescue. They are non judgemental and do sterling work rehoming any whippets that need them.

I'm sure you know not to ever offer them in "free to good home" ads as there are some horrible people about .

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