My husband is a controlling bastard - AIBU to absolutely and silently Hate him

[MrRected]

I am so angry and feel so enraged. Forgive me for this rant and feel free to tell me AIBU for hating my husband right now.

My husband hates our dogs. He hates their mess, their needs, their smell, their very existence. We have polished floorboards and they have scratched the floors (no more than the humans in the house have though).

My husband is constantly complaining - the nett result is that I am a bit defensive. I am always having to listen to him go on and on about the fucking dogs!!!!! The dogs are generally well behaved and I take care of all their needs. I can't stop them urinating on the lawn though - this smells and leaves patches on the lawn. The dogs do tear up the yard a bit - they run around and there is a pathway on the turf. I keep them away from the front garden so that he can keep his manicured garden intact.

Anyway tonight he gets an ice cream out of the freezer - a paper wrapped one out of a multipack. It was stored next to the frozen dog mince. It had picked up a bad smell. DH was cross and started harping on about it. When I didn't rise to it he started shouting.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me I am so sick of him harping on. This is a family home - not a show home. He cannot understand why I am defensive and says I disrespect him because I tense up when he starts banging on.

Why can't he just be a normal human being and enjoy pet ownership. For the record he was part of the decision making process when we got the dogs - which he now denies. The dogs are not allowed to run wild, I don't allow them on furniture or beds. They sleep in the garage.

So upset as I know I need to rehome them. Wish I could rehome him sometimes!!!!!

He expects things to be kept box perfect. Lego sets him off - he gets really cranky if bits get lost. Anything getting lost, really.

I just can't get worked up about a lost $10 ball - he gets very anxious. To be fair to him - he has really worked hard on this. I know it bothers him but he doesn't show it to the kids.

I do a lot of running around to preserve his little world. If I am totally honest.

The dogs aren't going. No way. I had that thought for a millisecond.

At a loss on how to make this work.

Have asked my dear friend to have them for a few days. They know her well and adore her house - she lets them sleep in bed with her.

Might give us some dog free time to come up with a solution.

YABVU. As someone who dislikes dogs, having a partner who wanted them would be a deal breaker for me. I, like your husband, would hate the smell, noise, mess etc.

What's more important to you...them or your husband?

Also...just because someone doesn't like what you do, doesn't make them controlling. Maybe you are the controlling one for keeping them when he doesn't like them?

As I said, if it's just the dogs that's one thing and I'd expect a compromise.

If there are other issues that needs dealing with.

Personally if there are no other issues in a long marriage and the pets are making one person desperately unhappy yes I'd consider rehoming.

What about compromise Formerbabe? Why am I the only one making an effort with the dogs he wanted in the first place. He doesn't make my life he'll over the cats? Go figure.

I don't think there is a compromise really is there? You either keep them (you win) or get rid of them (he wins).

Your comment saying why can't he be a normal human being and enjoy pet ownershi?p is really weird.

What I meant by that comment - was, why is he so uptight? I appreciate your POV Formerbabe, but you are reading the situation wrong and leaving out important bits. Like the fact that he wanted the dogs!

I am off to bed. Thanks for all opinions. Lots to think about.

I don't know.
It's very difficult to judge tbh.
Situational disorder obviously makes him very uncomfortable.
If he's worked on his issues in other areas maybe he can apply the same principles here.

Yes that is a bit strange but like you said, he is denying that and we are only hearing your side of the story...I'm sure his would be different by the sound of things.

As I said, I don't think it's unreasonable of him to hate living with the dogs. That is how a lot of people would feel. It's not "abnormal" to not want to live with animals

What is unreasonable is how he deals with it. Which sounds just vile.

This isn't really about dogs, is it? Sympathies.

Yabu to make two whippets sleep in the garage - they should be inside with you at nights.

MrRected - you are describing my DH. He is bi-polar. We are coming through the end of the tunnel, now that he has accepted that he needs medication, before this, we 'managed' it. DH expected everything to be 'box perfect' at home because he felt in control, part of the illness (there was a lot more too!), he was never like this before.

I spent 6 years trying to make his life 'box perfect', trying to have the perfect home, perfect kids (yep, they have been badly affected too), living on tenderhooks to see what kind of a DH would come home that night, relishing the fact he works away a lot and the release of tension when he was away. So I understand how you are living but agree, if it wasn't the dogs, it would be something else.

I am getting my lovely, kind, gentle, less than perfect DH back now, the one who doesn't set impossibly high standards for us all, especially himself. I am tired all the time because a sort of relief is sweeping through my body.

Bi-polar crept up on us, just wondering if there's anything underlying with your DH?

ps - I have two dogs, my house doesn't smell of dog, I sometimes get pissed off with the mud, and so does DH, but we luffs them

It is a control thing.
In the way that we ll like o have control over our lives nd environment, no one degree or another.
Some people need ths more than others.
My dh doesn't see mess. It really doesn't trouble or stress him. So his office is shocking. IMHO.
I am very uncomfortable with mess. I cannot relax or concentrate if surfaces are cluttered or "stuff" is left out of place or lost.
So we have to compromise otherwise he would just be an inconsiderate arse and I would be a controlling neat freak.

YANBU. No surprise here but I have a whippet. As dogs go they are at the easy end, gentle, quiet dogs, with very short fur and they don't really smell that much compared to most. They are more like giant lazy cats to be honest. However, they are dogs, bottom line, and so do all the doggy things that annoy people. He wanted them so he does need to compromise and help you out.

I feel your pain a little as I have a partner who is not keen on my dog. I got the dog with my ex but we split up and I kept the whips on as the kids and myself love him and I would not or could not part with him. However, my new partner is just not a dog person full stop. It's not particularly my dog, just all dogs. Sometimes I wish I had fallen for someone who was a dog lover! It's hard looking after one dog (and three kids) on your own, let alone two as you are. At least he is your DH and wanted them. My DP had no say in the dog but I still wish he would just help me out sometimes, at least feed him. But no, it's my dog. Most people on here would say I was unreasonable for wanting help with the dog from him but I would have welcomed any of his animals and helped out with them. In fact we now have cats, which I feed, one of which he got. I do understand that some people just don't like dogs but I still wish he would just get on with it and help me out. I know people will disagree but I think your DH should suck it up and stop complaining and start helping.

I adore whippets. .

I don't think this is about dogs at all - he isn't a good dad or partner if he talks to you like this is he. Why does he think he can demand respect but be a bully toward you. He sounds hell - sorry.

He definitely sounds like hard work... I could understand if they were super hairy like mine it can get annoying with hair/mud/smell but whippets are very clean and easy to have around. I know what you mean about walking on eggshells and wondering what the next thing you are going to get moaned at about is! Constant Sergeant Major barking of orders and so on. It is tiring.

If the Dogs go.............. his cats need to as well. they make far more mess than whippets

Hand them over to me, Ill happily have them all

Also does yours do that thing that you are NEVER allowed to just sit and relax? There is always a task that needs doing urgently if you are seen to put your feet up and if you want to sit and read a book for example you will get nagged at? I have to hide in the bath... OCD type people can be really hard work; I really sympathise. Also I don't think it's a LTB situation as he probably doesn't see it as controlling - it is just him and how he sees/wants his little world. You can adapt and fit to it to some extent but I guess it depends what you are willing to put up with and if the goods outweigh the bads.

It sounds like he is quite an unhappy man - worrying about lost Lego, fretting about the dogs and generally wanting to control his environment to such an extent that he is making his wife and children unhappy as well. Unfortunately, that is where my sympathies for him end - he may well find it hard to cope with things not being perfect, but we all live in an imperfect world, and making the lives of 3, soon to be 4 other people more difficult than they need to be in order to preserve his sense of equilibrium just isn't on. Does he ever actually relax? When everything is clean and tidy, can he enjoy it, or is he just waiting for someone to come along and mess it up? Is he able to let things go ever, or is it always a struggle against the natural chaos of family life?
I agree that he might need to seek some sort of help to try and help him to overcome his anxieties about what will happen if things are perfect - life will go on and his family will be happier, so hopefully that might be enough to help him reach some decisions about how to move forwards from what is a pretty untenable position atm.
I hope you find a way to work with him to resolve this - maybe if you could put your energy into supporting him to change instead of always being run ragged by his need for control then you could both be happier and more relaxed. Good luck.

Agree with sparkly he is using this to try and cow you. If it wasn't the dogs it would be something else. I'd have it out with him and spell out that the dogs are not going anywhere. Nor are you prepared to live like this being constantly picked at because of the dogs.

You cop a mouthful every day off him? Who the fuck does he think he is? ! He is bullying you into submission. Once the dogs are at your friends watch him become lovely, the man you fell in love with. It will be much harder to get the dogs back after that and that is what he wants.