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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband is a controlling bastard - AIBU to absolutely and silently Hate him

115 replies

MrRected · 03/03/2014 12:02

I am so angry and feel so enraged. Forgive me for this rant and feel free to tell me AIBU for hating my husband right now.

My husband hates our dogs. He hates their mess, their needs, their smell, their very existence. We have polished floorboards and they have scratched the floors (no more than the humans in the house have though).

My husband is constantly complaining - the nett result is that I am a bit defensive. I am always having to listen to him go on and on about the fucking dogs!!!!! The dogs are generally well behaved and I take care of all their needs. I can't stop them urinating on the lawn though - this smells and leaves patches on the lawn. The dogs do tear up the yard a bit - they run around and there is a pathway on the turf. I keep them away from the front garden so that he can keep his manicured garden intact.

Anyway tonight he gets an ice cream out of the freezer - a paper wrapped one out of a multipack. It was stored next to the frozen dog mince. It had picked up a bad smell. DH was cross and started harping on about it. When I didn't rise to it he started shouting.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me I am so sick of him harping on. This is a family home - not a show home. He cannot understand why I am defensive and says I disrespect him because I tense up when he starts banging on.

Why can't he just be a normal human being and enjoy pet ownership. For the record he was part of the decision making process when we got the dogs - which he now denies. The dogs are not allowed to run wild, I don't allow them on furniture or beds. They sleep in the garage.

So upset as I know I need to rehome them. Wish I could rehome him sometimes!!!!!

OP posts:
Tulip26 · 03/03/2014 12:20

He sounds awful. I'd really consider kicking him out. How is he with your kids? Did he do much when they were babies? My ex begged for a puppy. We got one after much debate. A year later he'd done non of the training, walking or cost.

TalkieToaster · 03/03/2014 12:21

What about turning it around, so when he moans, listen and go 'You've got a point - so, what shall we do about it?'. Make him come up with a solution and establish early on that getting rid of the dogs is NOT a solution, given that he agreed to getting the first one and instigated getting the second.

ToughSpuds · 03/03/2014 12:21

You might have to decide between your dogs or your husband.

I HATE animals being in the house. I think YABU (I'm biased though as I'm allergic to fur)

Original poster
MrRected · 03/03/2014 12:22

I have considered rehoming the littler one. Makes me feel very sad though and not sure if it would make any real difference long term1.

OP posts:
TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 03/03/2014 12:22

ALL pets smell. Sorry, but they do. You probably don't notice/care because you love your dogs and are happy to share your home with thme, but they do smell.

I have two cats. I love them to bits, but they do smell. Their litter trays smell and there is a distinct smell of "cat". You can smell their food. Their fur sheds, and while cats are very clean animals in themselves, they still shit and pee and it's not exactly a pleasant smell, especially if you don't like the animals in the first place.

Original poster
MrRected · 03/03/2014 12:23

Talked you are right. I am very defensive so I don't do that enough. I will definitely try that.

OP posts:
Tulip26 · 03/03/2014 12:23

I think if you didn't have the dogs he'd soon find another thing to moan about...

Original poster
MrRected · 03/03/2014 12:24

Talkie rather. Damn autocorrect!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrRected · 03/03/2014 12:24

You might be right Tulip....

OP posts:
LisaMed · 03/03/2014 12:26

Is it really about the dogs or is it about you not looking upset enough when he complains?

BitOutOfPractice · 03/03/2014 12:27

To be honest I'd be a bit pissed off if my ice cream had been tainted by dog food.

However, I would not go off on a massive rant about it.

Do no, yanbu to be pissed off. Although hate is a strong word

Goblinchild · 03/03/2014 12:27

I'm surprised that as whippet-types, they haven't gone for the cats.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/03/2014 12:28

How is your relationship, dogs aside?

Original poster
MrRected · 03/03/2014 12:29

I was upset for him - the first 2000 times he complained.

It's now about a clash of ideas. He has changed his mind - it's too hard. I love my dogs and am happy with the extra responsibility.

It's also the way he makes so personal. He shouts at me - so I switch off!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/03/2014 12:29

He doesn't like dogs. I don't like dogs much so I wouldn't have one. A dog in the home really has to be something you both agree on. He probably didn't realise what a mess they would make of the house. I sympathise a bit with him. But he agreed so on the whole YANBU.

Original poster
MrRected · 03/03/2014 12:33

Relationship is usually good. He is a good Dad (can be controlling - but has worked really hard on this with the kids). we get on well - together for 22 years.

I can see his side of things so I tried my best to sort out every gripe - to be fair I have the some of the same "standards" so uphold them for both of us.

I don't think we will ever reach an agreement. I am sick of living on eggshells.

OP posts:
FabBakerGirl · 03/03/2014 12:34

"... says I disrespect him because I tense up when he starts banging on."

Bullying controlling prick.

teenagetantrums · 03/03/2014 12:36

Keep the dogs and get rid of him, I don't even like dogs that much, but pets are not disposable just because someone changed there mind. I have two cats who annoy me lots of the time, but I agreed we could get them, its not their fault they get on my nerves, I wouldn't get rid of them, or take my frustration with their mess out on them.

Mim78 · 03/03/2014 12:37

Constantly harping on is u because you need to be able to relax at home.

However I guess you need to agree some changes or split up as this cannot go on.

Original poster
MrRected · 03/03/2014 12:37

Fwiw, if whippets could be outside dogs mine would be. That's just not in their makeup though.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrRected · 03/03/2014 12:38

This thread has at least calmed me down. Very much a 1st world problem.

OP posts:
ToughSpuds · 03/03/2014 12:39

I would rant about having dog hair/smells/saliva/food everywhere too. You said yourself that you and your DH didn't really speak about it properly.

Stropzilla · 03/03/2014 12:39

Only you can say if this is just about the dogs. If it is, then he just doesn't like dogs and that's not really a reasonable or unreasonable thing. Other than getting 2 and he needs to come to a compromise on that.

If it's more than the dogs you need to work out what the issue really is and talk to him if the dogs have just bought it to a head.

LostInWales · 03/03/2014 12:40

I was going to come on and say re home him as he sounds like an idiot, then you said he was being a bastard about two small whippet type dogs and I went incandescent! If he doesn't understand the joy and love of having beautiful lovely whippets about then he isn't worth house space, chuck him out now. Actually, you should put a notice up on preloved - free to a good home Grin. Don't re home a single hair of those dogs, as another poster said he will find something else and I think you would resent him even more if you had to. He doesn't sound like the most awesome long term prospect, ditch him, chuck a lovely soft fleece on his spot on the sofa and let the whippets sit there in the comfort they deserve!

happy2bhomely · 03/03/2014 12:42

Well, we have a dog. We both wanted one. 3 years later and I really dislike having her in my home. I hate the smell, hair, mud, neediness, whining, slobber, scratched floors, piss, shit. Everything! DH loves her.

She is a good dog, and nothing is her fault. She is perfectly house trained and great with everyone. She's smart and beautiful to look at. I just find it far more difficult than I ever imagined I would.

Sometimes I get really annoyed with myself for getting her and take it out on DH. It has caused some minor arguments. I resent her quite a lot if I'm honest, and I look forward to the day our home is pet free. I would never rehome her, we owe her a home for life, but we have agreed that we will never, ever share our home with another animal.

I think you should talk to your husband, and find a way to compromise. I don't think he sounds controlling from what you've said. I would be devastated if my DH put the dog before me. DH tries to understand when I'm finding it tough, and it really helps to diffuse the situation.