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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You're guaranteed to lose your best friend after you have a baby?

58 replies

Strawberryteddybear · 02/03/2014 20:24

Unless they already have kids.

I had a best friend through college and our friendship died down after she had her first baby, mainly due to the fact we didn't seem to have anything in common anymore. I made a new best friend and our friendship died after I had a baby. I'm definitely short of close friends and I'm happy with that now but I feel that I can only be friends with other mummies now as I don't think a childless friend wouldn't invest into a friendship. AIBU to think like this?

OP posts:
Skivvywoman · 02/03/2014 20:27

Nope not everyone does, I had my first DC at 17 he's now nearly 19 and my best friend has been with us every step of the way,

DarlingGrace · 02/03/2014 20:27

You don't lose friends if you don't allow yourself to become a baby bore. It does help if you make yourself available to go out now and again or if there really is no baby sitter, to have friends round. If you choose to lose you pre-baby identity , of course no one will have anything in common with you

juneau · 02/03/2014 20:29

Well, who knows? Sometimes people surprise you. But YANBU to consider that this might happen, because, sadly, it might. You can lose friends for lots of reasons though - having kids is one, moving to a new area is another, earning significantly more or less, marrying someone who doesn't get on with said friend, depression, bereavement - you name it.

gordyslovesheep · 02/03/2014 20:30

nope - I still have my three oldest and dearest friends - 2 who went on to have children and one who didn't

Tweasels · 02/03/2014 20:30

I think if a friendship can't survive children arriving then it can't possibly still be a friendship. It's really sad that some people cannot compromise to meet another persons needs and realise it's a short term change.

I've had the same 3 bf for over 30 years. One of us had her first child 14 years ago, one of us is pregnant with her first child now. We've never lost touch or felt like we have nothing in common. We have the same things we've always had in common. We just accommodate each other's changing priorities.

Silvercatowner · 02/03/2014 20:31

There's nothing like a generalisation.

Fusedog · 02/03/2014 20:32

I don't Agree it depends what type of friends you have

My sister has friends that are party girls who go out every nite drinks after work and club at weekends if she didn't dump her kids on my day she would have lost her friends.

Noodledoodledoo · 02/03/2014 20:32

Nope - I am the childless one and have not lost contact with any of my friends since they had babies. Both parties have to adapt - childless one needs to accept time is stretched - other priorites etc, and the new mums need to make sure they still make a little time for friends.

Friendships change and you have to change with them. That is the fact of life Smile

MyNameIsWinkly · 02/03/2014 20:32

Gee. I guess I didn't spend today with my friend and her 1 year old, or monday with my other friend and her 18 month old twins Hmm

Nonsense.

CoffeeTea103 · 02/03/2014 20:33

Yabu, this does not happen to everyone. Have you ever thought that it may be you?

Algea · 02/03/2014 20:33

I lost what I thought was my best friend (tho she first started going cool when I met DP I guess) and then another friend who was desperate for children herself and couldnt cope with me being pregnant. So yes, it happens.

WorkingBling · 02/03/2014 20:36

Yabu. Losing a friend When having children is the result of one or both of you being unable to compromise or accommodate the other. But if you both make an effort, and demonstrate some
Compassion and understanding it shouldn't matter.

Tone honest, it annoys me when people think this way. Before dc, intrude tone sensitive to my friends who had children and would Do things like go to them to see them or spend more time with them having coffee with dc in tow. Similarly, in return there was always the odd night out etc.

Children change our life completely. But I don't understand why you can't maintain friendships.

Bodicea · 02/03/2014 20:38

Nope still best friends with my Bessie. She has a three year old. I have just had a baby but but in the years where she had a child and I didn't we still saw each other all the time. I just had to accept a few changes in the stuff we did together. A few more nights in watching DVDs than we used to, days out at the zoo instead of shopping. If you are prepared to change your lifestyle a bit to fit in with your friends then it shouldn't affect your friendship.

Beansprout30 · 02/03/2014 20:38

My bf had a baby last year, ive barely heard from her since. Ive made the effort every time and feel a bit hurt that she never contacts me first-it shouldn't even be like that but I feel she doesn't think our friendship is important anymore. Sad because me and DH are ttc and I would love to discuss it all with her :(

honeybunny14 · 02/03/2014 20:38

Yanbu i lost a few so called friend when i fell pregnant

MyNameIsWinkly · 02/03/2014 20:40

I'm not saying it doesn't ever happen by the way, I'm just saying it's nonsense to say that it's guaranteed to happen.

thegreatgatsby101 · 02/03/2014 20:41

It's give and take.

Don't be a baby bore, don't expect childless friends to constantly be interested in your baby, be interested in the things that are important to them etc etc. People who have children often expect that everyone is interested in their kids. They just aren't. One friend used to get really pissy on Facebook every now and again because 6 months after her son was born 'nobody cared about him'. No love, it's just that people have lives that don't revolve around YOUR child.

Lost my best friend when I had DC (she was and is still childless), but made a new very good friend who is also childless.

I can see that with the friend I lost, I had become a total baby bore and she just wasn't interested in kids. We drifted apart and tbh it's no real harm done.

BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 20:41

Not guaranteed but friendships do often fade when life changes are made/happen. Having a baby is one such life change but so is moving house, changing jobs, getting married etc.

winterlace · 02/03/2014 20:44

This sort of crap used to really upset me when having fertility treatment. It is absolute nonsense and patronising in the extreme to state that only 'people with kids understand.'

KingR0llo · 02/03/2014 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CustardOmlet · 02/03/2014 20:50

Best friend from childhood still very much in my life, she has no children. Close friend from my teens who I lost track of in our 20s is now a solid fixture since DS was born (she doesn't have children and has no intention of having any!)

Algea · 02/03/2014 20:50

Would agree that 'guaranteed' is a bit strong. I have lots of friends who didnt fall by the way when I had children. but for some reason my childless friends didnt cope. Wasnt down to me being a baby bore either, one never made it that far IYKWIM and the other managed until I got pregnant the second time then withdrew. Perhaps understandably. She was desperate to have a child herslef and it just wasnt happening.

RiverTam · 02/03/2014 20:52

well, I did but that's more because she emigrated when I was pg. Though not because I was pg. At least, I hope not!

WooWooOwl · 02/03/2014 20:52

YABU.

I had my children much younger than most of my friends, and while I didn't see very much of my two closest friends during the baby and toddler years, I definitely didn't lose them. They were still around when I came out of the fog of breastfeeding and sleepless nights, and now one of them is doing her own baby years while mine are teens.

The dynamics change and we have to actually book time to see each other nowadays, rather than everything just being a last minute plan or an assumption that we will both be in the pub on a Friday night, but good friends stand the test of time, and of babies.

whatareyoueventalkingabout · 02/03/2014 20:53

nope. if you are best friends it makes no difference.