You're guaranteed to lose your best friend after you have a baby?

[Strawberryteddybear]

Unless they already have kids.

I had a best friend through college and our friendship died down after she had her first baby, mainly due to the fact we didn't seem to have anything in common anymore. I made a new best friend and our friendship died after I had a baby. I'm definitely short of close friends and I'm happy with that now but I feel that I can only be friends with other mummies now as I don't think a childless friend wouldn't invest into a friendship. AIBU to think like this?

YABU, I've got loads of friends who have dc, we're ttc but them having kids just means our friendships have changed a bit, but friendships do change over time, that's totally normal with or without babies

Yabu, this does not happen to everyone. Have you ever thought that it may be you?

This.

Sorry but any of my friends who have had children I've shared in the excitement and spent time with them on their own and with them and their child. A true friendship can survive someone becoming a parent.

There is only one friend I lost and she com

YABU.

My bf of 30 years has been here for me more than ever. She is also godmother to both my dd's. We see each other more than we did pre children. She has no dc, just a batty Labrador. We speak every day on the phone. I was ill a few weeks ago, and she came to my rescue, even though she's on crutches and gas had an op.

Our relationship is stronger for it.

My ex bf turned into a right nasty, selfish bitch. She said horrible things to me. I will never forget it. I haven't seen her since. I spend time with people who don't think if me like that and I'm trying to make some new friends.

*completely distanced herself when she was just pregnant nevermind after she had the baby. She moved away and didnt drive, when we asked her out she said no - even to birthdays.

I stopped making effort with her because no friendship can be 100% effort from one person and none from the other. That is what will kill a friendship.

Had my first at 20, my best friend cried tears of joy when she heard, we went out last night and drank far too much vodka and giggled like loons at very little. Best friends are for life!

Utter utter tosh.

My best friends are still all happy to be involved in my life now that it's evolved and I'm still happy to sit and discuss the same things we always did. It just so happens there's a baby running round now while we do.

It depends. After my best friend had babies there were a few years when things were very different, my life hadn't changed but hers had (and I didn't really understand it). We still kept in touch but not often and, looking back, neither of us really wanted to admit that it was very, very difficult.

Fast forward 10 years and we are close again. We both have families and when we meet it is great. Our children get on well (despite the age gap) and we chat about how hard it was when we had babies.

In a roundabout way, what I'm trying to say is that if you can accept that things will be different there is no reason why a friendship has to finish.

No, my best friend is still my best friend seven years after I had DS, she doesn't have any DCs and I don't think she ever will but she adores DS.
We are just as close if not more so now than we ever have ever been.

The people who lose friends after having DCs are usually the people who change after having children.

I agree that if a friendship can't last past a child being born, it wouldn't last anyway.

I have 4 very close friends, whom I've been close to for 15 years. I am the only one of us who has children, and until one of them got married 2 years ago I was the only married one too. We're just as close as ever. We don't see each other often due to 2 of them now living away, and the other 2 working full time, but when we do we pick up where we left off and we stay in touch via text/facebook.

DH has 2 close friends he's known for nearly 40 years, they both have older children than ours, but he never let the friendships go, because they meant too much to him. They now live in a different town so we only see them every few months, but he was close to their children when they were small.

I had DS in my 40's so have been friend to many people who had children in that time. When I had DS my best friend was also in her 40's had no interest in children whatsoever, couldn't have been less interested.

• years later we are still good friends - its different because I can't go out with her much or away for weekends together. But we make an effort - I try not to bore her will too much talk about DS, she comes and stays with us evry few months and comes away for a few days on holiday with us every year.

We both made compromises because our friendship matter enough to both of us.

Ironically one of the friends who did drop out along the way was a very close friends who I'd supported through pregnancy, baby and marriage breakup. And as soon as I had DS I didn't see her for dust no idea what that was about.

8 years later not * years!

oh but my friend says DS is different to other children - so much nicer and cuter and more fun so he doesn't count as "children"!

I guess i don't have the right friends. Lucky for all of you.

I understand that life changes and you have to adapt to it but as I've experienced this twice I feel like its the norm?

Strawberry I'm sorry here, honestly. I don't like being blunt.

But I do think you need to look at you in this. Your first friendship faded away because YOU didn't feel you had anything in common. I have nothing in common with many of my friends except this - I like them.

Then you have a baby and now YOU feel you can only be friends with "other mummies" because YOU feel a childless person wouldn't invest.

YOU are making assumptions and judgements and I really do feel here the problem is stemming from YOU. Friendships change - good, strong relationships will and that's actually a sign of their strength. Our job is to embrace changes and flow with them. I met DH at school: I'd be seriously worried if we were in our 30s still gawking about in ties and blazers. We've changed together and grown together.

Occasionally yes a friendship won't last the course but I have to say when this has happened to me it's had nothing to do with someone's status as a parent or not.

I think it can be difficult, depending on the circumstances. When I had dc1, my closest friend was childless and single. We were both mid / late thirties and it was a sensitive issue. I had a baby that didn't sleep, no help and I couldn't string two sentences together up until dd was 6 months old. Being a mother consumed my life and thoughts but I was acutely aware of the need not to become a baby bore. It made conversation difficult because I was trying very hard not to talk about the baby much, but then I had very little to say because looking after dd was pretty much the only thing I did. I think my friend found it difficult because our interests and lifestyle had diverged very rapidly. (I met my dh and was married and pregnant within a year. Up until meeting my dh, I had shared a house with my friend for years and we had spent a lot of time together. ) Me getting married and having a baby threw up all kinds of issues for her around where her life was going.

It was tricky for a bit, but we got through it and 10 years and another 2 kids further on we are still very good friends. She doesn't have a partner or kids and I still don't talk to her much about my kids other than in very general terms. As I have emerged from the baby bubble this has become much easier as I now have much more interesting things to talk about and I have lots of other friends I can talk to about children stuff. I still love her dearly and I'm pretty sure she feels the same about me.

I think it does depend. TBH, as someone without children I do now accept that friends who have young children don't have time to spend with me. They have their own concerns and problems now, and they're needed by a small child.

It's not great for me, obviously, but its just life, and I hope that in a few years they'll be able to spend time with me again.

Harsh words winterlace.

YABU/YANBU it depends entirely on the circumstances. When I got pregnant I think it was so unexpected that many of my friends thought they didn't really know me. For about 18 months before that I'd been through a very traumatic time, it changed me as a person and made me prioritise marriage and children very quickly. When I was pregnant I rarely saw my friends, but that could have been because of me, I lost my confidence a bit and none of my friends had been pregnant before so I felt very self conscious. They seemed to think it was just like shoving a football up your jumper and there was no effect on the rest of your body at all. I didn't even try to explain it wasn't like that because I didn't want to go on about being pregnant.

When my DS was born they all came to see him, I felt awkward around them but was pleased they were putting in the effort. After that things went wrong, I got seriously ill and couldn't see them. When I recovered I was so scared of getting ill again that I spent weeks just focusing on that and getting through each day with a newborn. They just didn't bother with me or DS after that.

DH and I rarely see our friends, they just don't like children and always assume we will bring DS with us. There is absolutely no reason for them to think this, DS has only seen them three times in 18 months - once when he was born, once when they came round before we went out for an evening with them and once when it was his christening. They didn't even acknowledge his first birthday. It's not that they think we have ignored them, they just assume that we will have changed so much that they no longer feel that they have things in common with us, and it really upsets me because I miss my pre-baby life a bit due to not being invited to anything with them anymore.

In other friendships I lost three friends (who didn't know each other) simply because they wanted children and found it difficult. I think the fact I got pregnant without much effort and without any warning to our friends was upsetting to them. I can understand this, but now I just feel unsupported and snubbed because after 18 months things are still off. When they get their babies I imagine I will be expected to be enthusiastic and pleasant. Of course, I will be, they will be fantastic mums and I would have loved to be close to them and their babies but I feel that too much has happened. How can I be so supportive when they resented me so much? I don't think those friendships will recover, maybe they'll realise that they were UR once they've had their babies and perhaps if they acknowledge the situation then it might be enough. We'll see.

OP, friendships change and some survive, others don't. I often feel lonely because of what has happened with my friendships, I wouldn't say that they have disintegrated because of me, but my changing circumstance was a contributing factor. Don't assume that just because you stay exactly the same then your friendships won't change/end because its often about how you are perceived. I didn't have the right friends either. It's terrible that the person having the baby is blamed for the friendships disintegrating, never mind that those friends should have been round supporting the new mum. It's a sign you're better off without them but I know this is difficult to comprehend. On the plus side, my friendships with people who have children seem stronger than ever, so I do agree with you on that point :).

YABU and YANBU I have groups of friends school, college, work and home. I lost one of my best friends when I had kids but all the other friendships have continued as normal. Years later we are great friends again. Things went pair shaped when I had a child and our dynamic changed. Nothing malicious or devious and obviously I managed to convince other friends I was not a baby bore but things were strained and difficult. Eventually we nodded to the fact there were issues in the past and just took up where we left off.

YABU. My BF had DS1 when she was 22 and I was 20. I became his godmother and babysat and visited her at least once a week. Yes, our friendship changed as her priorities had to change but we were still close.

5 years later and we both became pg together. Her DS2 and my DD were born a few months apart. Our relationship changed again as I now had more time during the day as I stopped working and we could go places together with our DC. We spent more time together and were still close.

Now her DC's are 15 and 10 and mine are 10, 6 and 1 so our relationship has changed again as she is out of the whole nappies, bottles, running around after them stage and I am very firmly in it. She is now godmother to all 3 of mine, babysits and visits me. We are still close. Swings and roundabouts.

I don't mind hearing harsh words. Maybe it is me. My first friendship died out because it seemed like we had nothing in common, I would always try and take an interest in her baby but I felt like she no longer took interest in me. If I didn't get in touch it would have died out sooner - being a mum myself now I understand how you can be consumed by your baby and nothing else matters, but I still try and make the effort.

Pansonfire

Thanks for sharing, I'm sorry your friends abandoned you and I don't think there is ever an excuse for it. They should make the effort to include you, just as you make the effort to show an interest in their lives.

I am still best friends with my best friends from high school.
I had kids way before they did, but they were very hands on included in my life when it happened.
My friends came over to visit, if I couldn't get out. They took turns taking the baby out while dh was at work,so I could sleep and shower, or get caught up on house work. I made the effort to go out a lot, even if it meant bring a baby where ever I went.
DD and DS were often found in our local coffee house, sitting on some ones knee, or toddling along the board walk with a group of 19 and 20 year olds.
As we all got older, and friends started having kids, I made sure to return the help.
And it works out that my DCs can babysit for my friends!

I had years of fertility treatment and miscarriages before I finally had DS. I would have found it very hard to be friends with someone who had a baby, especially if they kept on about how hard it was etc etc, when I would have given anything to be in their position. One 'friend' told me how lucky I was not to have children. My SIL took great pleasure in telling me how she didn't have to even try to get pregnant. Sometimes, for your own sanity, you have to avoid people like that. For those of you saying that your childless friends 'weren't interested' in having children, it may simply have been that they couldn't .

Do you think you're a cut above your old friends because you were lucky enough to have a baby? (a.k.a. "don't have anything in common")

I had my 1st dd 2 weeks before my 21st and if anything, I couldn't get rid of my (childless) best friend. We are still bfs now and I have 3 dds and she has 2 dc. In fact she was at the birth of dd3. I think if you want to make a friendship work you can.