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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

You're guaranteed to lose your best friend after you have a baby?

58 replies

Strawberryteddybear · 02/03/2014 20:24

Unless they already have kids.

I had a best friend through college and our friendship died down after she had her first baby, mainly due to the fact we didn't seem to have anything in common anymore. I made a new best friend and our friendship died after I had a baby. I'm definitely short of close friends and I'm happy with that now but I feel that I can only be friends with other mummies now as I don't think a childless friend wouldn't invest into a friendship. AIBU to think like this?

OP posts:
GreenLandsOfHome · 03/03/2014 09:36

It is true with some friendships, yes.

Not all though. My best friend of 9 years is Godmother to my children, and childless herself. We do see less of each other now (less as in not 3 times a week as it was) but am still close with her.

TurtleBeach · 03/03/2014 09:40

As a childless/childfree woman in my thirties I find this kind of statement very upsetting and damaging. The media has always liked to set groups of women against each other and for now the trend seems to be parents vs non-parents with conclusions being drawn from extreme examples to perpetuate the myth that we cannot possibly continue friendships across the divide. The sad thing is that so many women, from both sides, believe this and start to live their lives accordingly.

I am part of a group of 6 women who have known each other since childhood. We no longer live in the same city, or in two cases, the same country and our lives have taken very different turns in terms of careers and lifestyles but we have always been there for each other and are in regular contact with annual, at least, meet-ups. I am the only one of the 6 who has no children and although this has not changed things with 4 out of the 5; one friend appears to go out of her way to avoid me and will never now get in contact. I now only see her at group get togethers and will never say anything about how hurt I am in case it damages the dynamic of the rest of the group but she has often dropped into conversation that I have nothing in common with the rest of them. I would like to respond, as WinterLace said in her excellent post, that I never really have had anything in common with her - apart form being friends, liking each other and having shared experiences.

My SiL once spent ages telling me that she found it difficult to talk to me because all her friends are mum-friends and that's all she really needs and she couldn't possibly imagine what she could chat about with someone who has not shared in that experience.

Equally, I have heard from other women who have decided not to have children that they need to cross former friends off their list now they are pregnant because they won't have time for me now and will only want to talk about the baby. How about giving your "friends" the benefit of the doubt and trying the new phase of friendship first before making any rash decisions?

But I look on these as specific examples of people doing what they think they are supposed to do in these situations. I can point to many other friends, including 3 very close friends, with whom my relationship hasn't changed - because we have both worked at it and understand that we each have different choices and demands at play in our lives. I have a long-standing monthly dinner arrangement with one friend and regular visits to the other two and their kids. With these three I actually feel that our friendships are stronger than they were pre-kids because we make the most of the time we have to catch up and I love being a part of their kids' lives. It does however strike fear into my heart every time I see a headline like this in the media or threads like this because I worry that my parent friends might get sucked into believing it and I could lose them for now reason other than stupid generalisations. Equally and rationally however, I know they might be thinking the same could happen to me - which is won't. I like my friends for who they are and not who they are, or are not, raising to adulthood.

ToriaPumpkin · 03/03/2014 09:47

I'm sorry you've had this experience, but I don't think it's universal.

I've lost some friends since having DS. He is an inconvenience to their plans and one regularly complained about people 'our age' (late twenties) choosing to have kids 'when we can just wait til we're 40 and do it then.' she hasn't spoken to me since I announced my pregnancy with DC2. She's been telling me since we were 19 that she doesn't want children and that's her lookout, but I've never commented on her decision and got sick of her commenting on mine (and that of several other friends from the same group)

My best friend from high school, however, has been here every step of the way, visited two weeks after DS was born (we live 150 miles apart) and has just booked her accommodation to come up three weeks after my due date this time.

abitsc · 03/03/2014 09:53

YABU/YANBU

Lose is the wrong word. You needn't lose your friend.

Sometimes if your friend is childless you can either have less common ground, stuff they don't understand, or fewer reasons to get together - none of these is grounds to lose your friend. OK sometimes when you grow up a bit you realise they haven't/you have nothing in common, that's more about the friend, though.

It's like getting married. There are things which can mean a best friend lost, but it isn't always.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/03/2014 10:00

Sometimes it can happen, i didnt lose my oldest and closest friend when i had DD, they adore each other, but my friend feels she got pushed out by another close friend, my friend, doesnt have children, not married, not living with BF, but her friend has all that, my friend feels left behind almost.

Thetallesttower · 03/03/2014 10:21

I don't think it is universal you will definitely lose a best friend, I haven't lost mine, however, I don't think it is that unusual to lose some friends along the way whether it be to babies or moving or them getting a new boyfriend and then getting very insular (this is still surprisingly common).

I do agree friendships can flex and grow, but the sheer practicality of getting two families together, especially if you live in different parts of the country or the world can mean that over time, these things get harder.

It also depends on the person- the friends I have stuck with all like chatting on the phone. I have found the people who don't like chatting on the phone and just email/text/FB and so on, you end up just not knowing much about their lives so after a few years of the odd text it just dies away a bit.

CuntyBunty · 03/03/2014 10:26

I've had my best mate since I was 14. I am now 41 and despite the fact that I have two kids, she has none and we've both moved around alot, we are still close. We are the same people and we "get" each other. She is one of the few people that I can laugh with so much, I ache.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/03/2014 10:29

I don't really agree. I'm in a group of 4 where we are all really close and class each other as 'best friends' and we have been for 14 years now. I'm due my baby in 3 weeks and I'm the last of our group to have one. When the other women had their babies I didn't pull away or anything - things were definitely altered because I knew their priorities were different and they couldn't just 'hang out' whenever the whim took us, but we just adapted out friendship to accommodate the babies/toddlers. The children range from the age of 8 years down to 4 months old so we have been keeping the friendships alive over many years of children being born.

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