not to do anythijg about dh 's 50 unit per week drinking

[badger2005]

I barely drink, but dh drinks this much. He thinks it's normal really but gets pissed office I ever raise it (about twice a year when I feel anxious) .he never seems legless, sometimes slightly drunk. I don't reallly see what I can do, especially as he doesn't want to talk about it. So I am currently just ignoring it. Do youthink that's.okay? Anyone else share his view that it's a fairly normal amount to drink? Thanks for any advice!

But it is OK with the OP finola, I took her only to be posting because she doesn't drink herself and wasn't sure, otherwise she'd say something more than only twice a year.

It's also up to her DH what money gets spent on, stopping buying it to make a point would be pretty petty IMO. She'd be doing it to prove a point and I'm not keen on game playing.

It's not a case of sending out the right message like you would do to a child, especially when the OP doesn't drink any anyway, it's about him acknowledging that she feels like she does and has a right to say that out loud.

I'm not being sarky asking this Lumpy, but if you were using that definition of alcoholism, what proportion of the UK population would you say were alcoholics?

(compared to what the govt stats are on how many they class as having a problem with alcohol - if you've got them to hand (only joking))

Alcoholism is about the relationship, not the quantity.

Alcohol dependence is a more accurate term IMO.

interesting piece in the news this week about "baby boomers" all drinking way too much, but doing it quietly so the press etc pay no attention.

Also about how there is a vast number of people in real strife with alcohol and no help available.

I don't know what the answer is, for OP, her DH, society, or indeed, me.

Agent I am certainly not suggesting that Badger should play games or treat her DH like a child.

I will state though that if my husband had diabetes, smoked and drank what I consider to be a significant amount of alcohol each and every day, I would not put said alcohol in my weekly shop. I just wouldn't. I do not see this as game playing or treating an adult as a child.

Badger has stated in previous posts that his drinking sometimes makes her anxious, he no longer has alcohol free days, and that she isn't sure if she should be buying it. She is obviously concerned but there is nowt she can do to stop his actual drinking. The thing she could do at this stage is to stop purchasing it for him. Why would this be game playing?

It wouldn't be the same if you said you weren't going to start buying your DH alcohol Finola, but it would be point scoring for the OP to suddenly stop buying it for hers.

It'd be saying she's washing her hands of it, and she doesn't seem to write her posts as though she's at that point. There are better ways of dealing with it (if she chooses to) than ratcheting it up into an argument and a crappy atmosphere (although he's doing that by closing the discussion down before it starts, but maybe he feels she doesn't understand because she doesn't drink, which is true).

He's an adult, it's not for the OP to coerce or manipulate him into doing anything (within reason).

Am about to be fairly brutally honest now, and may well deny everything in the morning
DH and I drink a bottle of bourbon a night, between us, (and when we can't afford it we get well pissed off and sometimes have bottles/cans of cider or lager too. This is just how much we drink, although we have "worked up to it" over several years so probably have an increased tolerance by now.
I've never really thought about units, but I've just looked and one of the bottles of Bulmer's Black Cherry cider stuff we've had tonight has 2.3 units in it apparently...
That admitted said, I have regular blood tests done for the levels of just about everything you can think of, and the doctors have never ever remarked on my liver - it functions perfectly unlike a lot of the rest of me and given that I am obese, with heart disease, and various other medical issues, this is nothing short of miraculous.
Obviously though, there are 100 year olds who swear by 40 capstan and a tot of rum a day for breakfast and so on, but well, we're both still here, and my liver is so far, perfectly ok...
(And now I'm not ever sure what my point was as I started to type so I'll shut my face and sidle out quietly so as not to disturb anybody...)

I am absolutely amazed by the naive and/or disingenuous responses by some people on this thread!!!! PomBear, you think your drinking isn't a problem because you have a functioning liver and yet you have heart disease and are obese - come on! You can't possibly not see the link between the large amounts of calorific alcohol and your weight surely? And alcohol has been proven to cause heart disease/heart problems.

This is crazy. I'm born and brought up and living in Wales and I like a few drinks so I'm far from prissy about alcohol but to suggest that 50 to 60 units a week is absolutely fine - on top of cigarettes and type 1 diabetes is nonsense.

OP, do you honestly and truly think that your DH is mentioning how much alcohol he drinks when he sees his consultant? And if he is the consultant is just shrugging his shoulders and saying 'meh, all that research on safe amounts of alcohol is bollocks really'?!

I agree that there isn't much the OP can actually DO about this as her DH is an independent person but I would be quite happy to let my DH know how concerned I was in her position. I don't mean constant nagging or issuing ultimatums but a proper talk about how I love him and want him around to see the kids grow up. And not putting the alcohol on the weekly shop would be a very good idea, at the moment the huge expense is swallowed up by the total amount the shop comes to so it's easy to ignore. It doesn't have to be done in a game-playing/controlling way but I would be saying that I was trying to cut down on the amount that the weekly shop comes to so non-essentials need to come out of a different budget.

I know dh won't be having a frank conversation about smoking or drinking with his consultant.

When I have asked him why he's pissed off when I raise the drinking he has said 'because I don't want to change'. And 'this is just a conversation about me being shit ' ... like why wouldn't the conversation be annoyinepressing?

He eats no breakfast or lunch mon - fri to stay slim. He was slightly overweight and his consultant told him to lose weight and this is how he did it (very effective) . The consultant knows about the eating pattern and disapproves but it sounds like he doesn't think its the end of the world.

It sounds as if your DH is downplaying what the consultant says. Would he be amenable to you going with him to one of the appointments? Maybe you could use it as a 'lets settle this once and for all' opportunity. You tell the consultant the total, unadulterated truth and see what he says. If the consultant isn't worried you won't bring the subject up again. If the consultant does have concerns then your DH will try and make some healthy changes.

A bottle of bourbon between two a night ? Is that like bells whisky ? I'm trying to get my head around it

So he's a type 1 diabetic who eats nothing all day, then suddenly hits his system with dinner PLUS shitloads of readily-available calories from alcohol?

What the hell does his blood sugar look like when he's doing that?!

My DH is the same, we had a really useful talk at work last week as all healthcare visits should now involve a brief alcohol intervention chat. There are some really useful tools like audit and advice here www.sussexpartnership.nhs.uk/services/substance/cat/cat-alcohol
Maybe get him to do one, he might not be aware of quite how much he's drinking. It's "only" a couple of glasses of wine a night which I know is easily done to bring you up to 50 units a week. There's info on other benefits of reducing alcohol than just your hidden liver which might strike a chord?
My DH never sleeps well, I wonder if that might be more motivating.

Yikes, that eating pattern sounds extremely unhealthy for anybody, but especially a diabetic. Does he eat at all before evening meal??

Mine drinks about the same. Doesn't go and get pissed though and never really gets more than tipsy (and that would be a big night of drinking)

He has grown up around both our families doing the same and his parents and my parents also drink a lot.

It is worrying as my grandparents died due to alcoholism, but people are more aware of the risks now and have to make their own decisions

I drink about 40 or so. Never drunk. 3/4 of a bottle of red a day usually.

Have done for 20 odd years. Have the odd night off it but not more than 50 days a year I would say.

I find it hard to change my habits unfortunately. This may well lead to my early demise.

Having said that I have good longevity in my family and all my family were and still are drinkers.

Is there such as thing as it running in the family?

My dad drinks half a bottle of whisky a day and has done for as long as I can remember. I suppose that's not doing him much good! He is 70 though so ain't done to bad.

It's hard to change other people

Regardless of whether people think this is normal, it is still unhealthy and is way over the NHS guidelines.

I think this is part of the reason we have an alcohol problem in this country because we accept excessive drinking as normal (as we do being overweight, but that is often addressed on other threads).

So, yes, I think he drinks too much.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I do find it confusing that the nhs guidelines are so different from the drinking that he and his family (and I think lots of people) think is normal.

I will look at the Sussex website and try recommending it to him. Maybe I'll also think about not getting the wine box in the online shop. I think if I remember right I started doing this after a previous conversation, where the idea was I bought the wine and that was it for the week. I think he was up for this at the time, but anyway he now tops up.

One downside to having posted here is that I am now looking at him more objectively which is somehow making me feel more judgemental. Like I was wondering why he wasn't having as much fun as I was out with the kids today and wondering if it was related. He bought some wine while we were getting some bits and has now gone very cheerfully to the gym. He does really like sport stuff but I know it is also a chance for a smoke. And from when he gets back it will be time for a drink.

So I think what I need to do is decide on a course of action (or decide to do nothing) and then stop analyzing him! Do you know what I mean?

To answer a question : the norm is he eats nothinh mon - fri till evening. He drinks coffee if hungry. He is very busy at work... it sounds v stressful. If there is a conference with lunch or other works occasion he will join in with lunch then. At weekend he eats lunch and tea and sometimes breakfast but he gets up late so often skips weekend breakfast.

reading this while having a glass of wine.

op I think you and your dh sound lovely people and to be honest if he's a great father and husband what can you really do.

he's an adult. he wants to drink and can function so you can't really criticise him and you can afford it.

my lovely mil never smoke or drank and died at 60. my fil was morbidity obese and drank and smoked and died at 86.

dds teacher was killed on a school trip aged 59.

life is for living and enjoying. you have a happy relationship so enjoy your time together.

people spend their lives denying themselves food/alcohol/cigarettes and drop down dead jogging at 50.

I honestly think genes and luck plays a far bigger part in longevity and illness than we realise.

rather go out in a flash at 69 after living a bloody good life than going senile and dragging my dh and kids down with me at 90.

Yes I think that's right - there is no immediate problem. Almost all problems are to do with lng term risk... stuff that isn't going to happen for ages and might never happen. If I'm not doing wrong by him just letting him get on with it then I'll just stop worrying about it... like I encourage the kids to do when they think about themselves one day dying!

I've just worked out that DH drinks about 63 units a week. That is 5 cans of lager a night.

He is generally 'tipsy' but I wouldn't say drunk. He is very fit and seems healthy, fitter than me certainly and no obvious signs of illness caused by drinking (but who can say what is going on inside?)

It pisses me off at times, but tbh I've got so used to it now that it goes over my head. I've taken the stance that if he wants to do this, it's up to him. I can't control him, I can't change him. It 'bores' me more than anything.

Since I let go it's better. There was no point in me getting wound up by something I had no control over.

I think the amount of drinking is a health risk, but not a massive problem - on it's own. DH and I used to drink that amount before we stopped to have dd. But when you put it as:
a) drinking 50+ units a week
b) smoking
c) diabetes
d) regularly skipping 2 meals a day 5 days a week
That is an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle. Does he want to see your dc's grow up?

He has type 1 diabetes with a pump so presumably has (had?) poor control as they don't usually hand out expensive pumps to everyone. My guess is his poor DM control is in a large part due to his drinking and unusual diet pattern.
As you know, a more healthy weight loss plan would be to reduce the alcohol rather than skip 2 meals a day.

He is at very high risk of cardiovascular disease and stroke if he continues to smoke and drink to excess. I don't think this is actually of any doubt, regardless of his family history or previous posters' anecdotes. How you address his problem drinking (and smoking) is the issue.

He sounds as though he is in denial. Maybe showing him the evidence and appealing to him as a father who wants to be around for his kids might help?

Sadly I've seen too many people with diabetes who wish they'd changed their lifestyle before they had a stroke, lost a leg etc.

I am a doctor. 50 units a week is likely to cause damage to his health at some point, even if does not cause any immediate problems.

If he was admitted to the hospital where I work and told staff he drank around 50 units a week, every week, we would be seeking to highlight this and discuss our concerns with the patient. He would also be monitored for signs of alcohol withdrawal and started on B vitamins (not saying your DP is alcohol dependent, merely that those drinking at this level are at greater risk of being so and we monitor this carefully and treat prophylactically to avoid the risk of serious complications such as DTs and Wernicke's).

Yes, there are some people who can drink to excess for a protracted period of time with little in the way of ill effects- they are the exception rather than the rule though. I have seen first hand the terrible effects of liver disease and neurological damage caused by alcohol- it's not a risk I'd be willing to run.

As to whether YABU to do nothing, I would say that depends on whether you think his alcohol consumption is problematic in any way now or has the potential to become so. It also depends on the importance you place on his health- yes, he might be one of the lucky ones who doesn't end up with health problems- how great a gamble are you happy with?

I would also say the fact that he doesn't want to talk about it does ring some alarm bells for me. This suggests he knows it's excessive, but is avoiding confronting it head on- surely if he was perfectly sure that his drinking was fine, he would just say so? But again, you know him best- perhaps he reacts to this when any questions are raised.

All of that said, you can't make him change his drinking habits, regardless of whether he is dependant on alcohol or not. All you can do is explain your concerns and ask him to take them into consideration.