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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to do anythijg about dh 's 50 unit per week drinking

119 replies

badger2005 · 28/02/2014 22:48

I barely drink, but dh drinks this much. He thinks it's normal really but gets pissed office I ever raise it (about twice a year when I feel anxious) .he never seems legless, sometimes slightly drunk. I don't reallly see what I can do, especially as he doesn't want to talk about it. So I am currently just ignoring it. Do youthink that's.okay? Anyone else share his view that it's a fairly normal amount to drink? Thanks for any advice!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 28/02/2014 23:34

So he drinks every day? Not good at all.

Original poster
badger2005 · 28/02/2014 23:39

Thank you everyone. I think the message I'm getting overall is that it probably is a problem but there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe if I feel anxious again I'll just post on here as raising it with dh is pointless. Thank you again for replying to me. X

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/02/2014 23:40

For me the atmosphere the live and let live attitudes you both have will pay out much more than the occasional guilt trips.

If they're only occasional they're not keeping his drinking in check so he doesn't drink more than the 50 units, so he's obviously got it relatively under control on his own.

Money comes, money goes, there's always something you can spend it on.

Original poster
badger2005 · 28/02/2014 23:43

I think wise words zigzag. the control that must already be in place doesn't come from me raising it.

OP posts:
NiceTabard · 28/02/2014 23:45

badger yes there are always people to talk to on here Smile

If his drinking escalates you will maybe need to think again, and again in that case MNers will be able to help (relationships board give good advice, and there are organisations like al-anon).

For the now though, there are many families with a parent drinking at your DH level, with functional healthy relationships and jobs being held down and everyone basically cheerful and getting on with it Smile

So I guess what I am saying is, keep a casual eye on it.

Original poster
badger2005 · 28/02/2014 23:47

Nice thanks I will do that. Strangely reassuring to know there are other families out there with a possible problem drinker in them!

OP posts:
AngryFeet · 28/02/2014 23:48

The NHS calls this higher risk drinking www.nhs.uk/Livewell/alcohol/Pages/Effectsofalcohol.aspx. I would be concerned.

Wolfiefan · 28/02/2014 23:50

Not a possible problem. A problem. Sorry.

Sharaluck · 28/02/2014 23:59

How old is he? Has he had a recent full health check up with the gp?

The fact he is reluctant to talk about it or go back to some alcohol free days would be a concern to me. (Rather than the amount iykwim).

Original poster
badger2005 · 01/03/2014 00:04

He is 39. He has regular check ups of a sort as he is type 1 diabetic so sees consultant. But as far as I know they never discuss alcohol.

OP posts:
falulahthecat · 01/03/2014 00:10

I would really do something about it now before it gets any worse.
My DPs parents sarted off with just FIL drinking, in the end MIL adopted an enabling 'if you can't beat em join em' approach and I would say they have at least 3 bottles a night between them on weekdays, more at weekends, and the worst part is - they function! On the days when FIL wasn't passing out on the kitchen floor etc of course...

Long term alcohol abuse can cause everything from liver and kidney problems to non-reversible Dementia!

If he gets defensive when you bring it up, chances are he has a problem. You say he drinks 50 units a week - could there be more you don't know about?

If you aren't happy, he should be willing to make a compromise. I hope this doesn't get any worse for you.

BuggersMuddle · 01/03/2014 00:11

YANBU as long as you and he understand the risks. 7-8 units a night is far from ideal, but it is not pissed as a fart territory for a reasonably sized adult. The health consequences are another issue and might not show up for a long time, or if he's lucky every (but that will be down to luck).

Some people wouldn't tolerate it, some would.

If he's making an overall positive contribution to the household then it's your choice, but I would certainly keep an eye. Alcohol is an easy habit to develop before it becomes an addiction and an extra unit is an easy thing to add. Consider this - the difference between a women who drinks 21 units a week (slightly heavy, but not much to worry about) and one who drinks 35 is one double G&T per night.

I wouldn't share his view that it's 'normal' for most people. It's definitely 'usual' for some people (a big chunk - most? - of my family and in laws). DP and I were on for a fair number of units certainly at one point as we were brought up where daily wine, G&T on a Friday, maybe a wee sherry & some more wine with Sunday lunch was the norm. All very civilised and not terribly good for you. We decided to make some changes for health reasons when we were overhauling our diets and realised just how many calories we were drinking Blush

I'm with others upthread. If it's not changing his behaviour or contribution then I'd view that level a bit like heavy smoking or being obese, but I'd keep an eye on it because drinking is such an easy thing to escalate.

falulahthecat · 01/03/2014 00:13

This website may help check he's not heading down the slippery slope!
www.drinkaware.co.uk/understand-your-drinking

falulahthecat · 01/03/2014 00:14

Oops www.drinkaware.co.uk/understand-your-drinking

Finola1step · 01/03/2014 00:14

Sorry Badger but he's drinking more than the 50 units. A box of wine can have 40 units, then another 9 or 10 in the bottle you know that he buys. Not counting the beers. More than 50.

You can't stop him drinking. But do you have to buy it for him?

AgentZigzag · 01/03/2014 00:16

'You can't stop him drinking. But do you have to buy it for him?'

He'll only get his older mate to get it if she doesn't.

Original poster
badger2005 · 01/03/2014 00:19

Yes not buying it for him isone thing I have considered doing. But would this help?

I think that the message I would hope he'd get wthat it isn't normal or healthy) would get missed... it would just belike I was trying to make him feel bad. I think he thinks I'm theone with the odd attitude to alcohol.

OP posts:
NiceTabard · 01/03/2014 00:21

badger alcoholic drinks are packed with sugar so I would think it would come up re the diabetes.

I don't want to worry you but the diabetic thing puts a different light on it, really.

Is his diabetes well managed generally? Again it's not an area I know much about, apart from having a friend with type 1 when I was younger.

Original poster
badger2005 · 01/03/2014 00:27

Generally well managed, he's on a pump. I know alcohol is calorific... maybe that is why he only eats breakfast and lunch at weekends.

I do know that things are not ideal. But is there anything I should be doing beyond keeping an eye? He is a clever man so I don't plan to drop hints or play games or anything.

OP posts:
falulahthecat · 01/03/2014 00:29

Not buying it for him would DEFINITELY help - when he sees physically how much he's spending and has to go out just to get a drink it may be the decider on whether he needs it or not.
Why not just 'forget'?
Not sure about type 1 but type 2 diabetes is a big no when it comes to acohol.

AgentZigzag · 01/03/2014 00:36

Or he could buy much more than what the OP buys falula?

And she won't have any idea of what he's drinking then.

Paying cash for what alcohol I drink (although DH shops for it usually) doesn't have any bearing on what I want to drink of an evening.

NiceTabard · 01/03/2014 00:38

Alcohol is calorific the calories are from sugars.

He doesn't eat breakfast or lunch mon-fri? That seems, unusual. Lots of people ditch breakfast, or lunch. But he's going a whole day with no food and then getting home and having dinner + booze?

That sounds just unhealthy, full stop.

I think that maybe you need to have a chat with someone who knows some more about diabetes / booze etc.

TBH though finding help with stuff is much easier said than done. I'm not sure who you could talk to, to find out whether his lifestyle is compatible with controlling his diabetes or not?

Have you approached him with not just the drink thing, but a combo of drinking + weird eating habits + diabetes and see how he reacts? (Guessing the answer would be, badly).

Stripyhoglets · 01/03/2014 00:58

If he is a type 1 diabetic I think he is very unlikely to get away with drinking this much and smoking without it having a negative impact on his health at some stage, but if he is in denial there is not much you can do about it, but I think you are right to be worried about him as the diabetes makes it even more risky.

Finola1step · 01/03/2014 00:59

Agent I do see your point. It's up to the OP what she spends money on. If I was in her position though, I'm not sure if I could put a box of 40 units of alcohol in my weekly shop knowing that my DH would drink nearly almost all of it and then some more. The message being sent is that it's ok. And if the OP is posting in here with her concerns, then it's obviously not ok.

LumpySofa · 01/03/2014 00:59

The worst aspect of this is the constant nature of the drinking - that is the most important aspect and combined with the other things you say, he is an alcoholic at this point.

He can ignore it until he turns or has a crisis, but the ignoring is what makes it inevitable.

The consequences of leaving a steady, fairlessly reactionless alcohol habit until you hit crisis point can be life-destroying, so catching it before that would be ideal, but it must be voluntary and a personal decision.