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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh dear we talked about weight

54 replies

stella69x · 28/02/2014 20:39

Dp has just got in a major shitty as a conversation about weight has lead to me saying ( factually) he is obese. Ok his BMI is around 32 but he has walked out the room angry.
To be fair he has always been larger, tall, big frame, physical job, so a BMI slightly over weight no big deal. But am I BU to mention his current stats make him obese when talking about it?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/02/2014 20:42

YANBU- if he has a BMI of 32, he is technically obese.

harriet247 · 28/02/2014 20:43

His feelings are hurt, go easy

Capitola · 28/02/2014 20:44

If my dh was fat, I would tell him.

And I think he'd do the same if it was me.

Chopchopbusybusy · 28/02/2014 20:45

Well, technically you are right but it sounds like you were very blunt about it. What point were you making when you said it

Piscivorus · 28/02/2014 20:46

As someone who is overweight I can tell you that it is very hurtful to have it pointed out even when you know it yourself so YABU.

squoosh · 28/02/2014 20:47

It's all in the phrasing. We all have feelings that are easily hurt, especially feelings connected to our self image.

Don't be so clinical 'my stats tell me you are obese'.

Maybe try 'I love you and think you're gorgeous but I'm worried about your weight'.

Capitola · 28/02/2014 20:48

Absolutely right, Squoosh.

Musicaltheatremum · 28/02/2014 20:52

Well some of the fittest rugby players have BMIs of over 30. Losing a stone or so wouldn't do him any harm by the sounds of it.

Eatriskier · 28/02/2014 20:59

It depends on the delivery but in theory no. You were having a discussion about weight, so I think its pretty natural things like that would come up. If the discussion was 'i've been looking at bmi and you're obese you know' then that is fairly unreasonable.

When my bmi was around 32 I knew I was overweight, but didn't realise I was considered (until it was pointed out). I wasn't happy, however it wasn't unreasonable given the context I was told.

EirikurNoromaour · 28/02/2014 21:13

Sensitivity about weight is silly and doesn't help anything. I'm overweight, with my bmi creeping over 30 right after DS was born. My nurse told me I was obese when I wanted to go on the pill. It was a simple fact, and I don't think that whining or getting upset about her pointing it out would have achieved anything.

HadABadDay2014 · 28/02/2014 21:14

When should a loving partner who is worried about the partners weight tell them.

squoosh · 28/02/2014 21:15

The difference being a medical professional pointed it out to you, not your partner. Sensitivity over weight isn't silly, refusing to acknowledge a weight issue is silly.

redexpat · 28/02/2014 21:17

I've had to do the same with DH. He'll getover it and hopefully do something about it.

NatashaBee · 28/02/2014 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 28/02/2014 21:26

Apologies if I've got the wrong person but didn't you recently lose 4 or 5 stone yourself?

If I've got the right person then congratulations and if I haven't, then sorry Grin

But how would you have felt hearing the same thing from him?

thenightsky · 28/02/2014 21:30

Ah but is he 'curvy' and a real man?

Original poster
stella69x · 28/02/2014 21:45

Yeah we talked, I was brash, he is sensitive, too much history to go into. Thanks for advice

OP posts:
CromeYellow · 28/02/2014 21:46

Is he actually fat? Bmi is only useful when used with other factors like muscularity, frame, gender, waist measurement etc... A large framed, physically active, tall man is going to be in the 'overweight' category at least. A muscular one will likely be 'obese'.

Original poster
stella69x · 28/02/2014 21:48

Worra not sure but I have lost 4.5 stone in past 3 years.

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 28/02/2014 21:53

Brash about something that's intricately linked to a person's view of themselves. I know it's not exactly the same, but try to consider how your feel if he stated "I've read that the average boob size is X and you fall 4 cup sizes short." You're well aware of your boob size. You're vaguely aware you're below average. It hurts that someone you love feels the need to wave it in front of your face in such a matter of fact way. (Yes, I know boob size doesn't impact on health - I never said it was a perfect analogy)

QwertyBird · 28/02/2014 22:03

Why did you feel the need to label him? Obese has negative and insulting connotations. Being 'brash' will put him off talking to you. Bmi was designed for children, if I remember correctly, and it doesn't work for all adults. DH would look like the unread if he had a perfect bmi, because he is very tall and broad shouldered, and muscular. My DSis, has high bmi - she is a size 10 with a flat stomach, but big boobs and she runs half marathons and rides horses so has a lot of muscle.
If you care about your DH, and his feelings, let him take the lead and be more supportive. His feelings should matter more than his weight.

evelynj · 28/02/2014 22:05

I'm obese & although I know this & am dealing with it, would be hurt if my dh stated it so bluntly. Especially perhaps as you've lost a lot of weight recently - well done btw. Whilst he may be happy for you, the imbalance of one person in the partnership improving themselves can make the other feel inadequate.

I think also sometimes people expect men to be less bothered about getting called obese. Sometimes that may be the case but if you know he's sensitive, then you should tread carefully unless you mean to upset him.

Hope you resolve it & move forward.

ilovedogsandcats · 28/02/2014 22:05

Hmm, sensitive issue. Last year at a medical appointment I was allowed to 'deduce' that I was obese. At no point did the nurse use the word but I sussed what she meant.
I did not like it. I knew I was fat.

For me, obese was someone who featured in documentaries.

I'm no longer obese. I am comfortably in the BMI overweight category.
Obese struck too much of a chord with me for me to not do anything.

balia · 28/02/2014 22:05

That is a real achievement, well done. Having had such success, though, maybe you've forgotten a little how daunting trying to lose weight can be? I remember when DH managed to quit smoking and I hadn't - he was an utterly self righteous cockhead for months. (Until he lapsed and I covered myself in glory by being all smug. Ho hum. We've both quit now.)

Can you remember what motivated you?

itsbetterthanabox · 28/02/2014 22:13

He's obviously aware of his own weight. So you telling him informs him of what? Do you have an issue with his body? That the problem here if you do.