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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh dear we talked about weight

54 replies

stella69x · 28/02/2014 20:39

Dp has just got in a major shitty as a conversation about weight has lead to me saying ( factually) he is obese. Ok his BMI is around 32 but he has walked out the room angry.
To be fair he has always been larger, tall, big frame, physical job, so a BMI slightly over weight no big deal. But am I BU to mention his current stats make him obese when talking about it?

OP posts:
drnoitall · 28/02/2014 22:21

I wonder if the husband told his wife she was obese, whether the replies would be the same.
YABU to not see how what you said was hurtful when, by your own admission, your dh is sensitive.
Your losing 3 stones is great but your comment reminds me of people who give up smoking then detest the smell of cigarettes.

BIWI · 28/02/2014 22:24

It all depends on what you said/how you phrased it.

But if he's obese, really overweight (and not just a well-muscled man), then there was nothing wrong with talking about that - just depends on what you said!

Thewhingingdefective · 28/02/2014 22:26

YANBU to tell him, but it is clearly a sensitive issue for him.

My husband has always (since I've known him) been overweight. I never used to criticise or mention it, but he's fifty now, his weight has crept up and we have four small kids who need a dad. I want him alive, so I have gently suggested he lose some weight and take exercise. He always looks mortally wounded when I raise the subject, says he will do something about it, but doesn't. I've asked him often to go to the doctor for a well man check up.

TinyTwoTears · 28/02/2014 22:32

Yabu.

When you put your weight that you lost back on and a bit more (a very likely possibility - fact) I am sure you won't mind you DH telling you that you are fat.

Dh often talks to me about my weight. It makes me feel shit, under pressure and I eat more.

WorraLiberty · 28/02/2014 22:38

It's a possibility that the OP might put the weight back on but I wouldn't say it's a 'very likely one'.

Losing 4.5 stone over 3 years is a nice, slow loss...especially if for example the OP has changed her lifestyle rather than using fad diets.

Topseyt · 28/02/2014 22:45

Oh dear, I'm afraid it sounds as if you were spectacularly insensitive to him.

As someone who, through medical issues, has struggled with her weight most of her adult life, I can assure you that I find it a very difficult issue. My husband does not have tact and diplomacy as his middle names, and we have learned to avoid the issue. Over the years, he has generally learned to be much more sensitive when he does mention it.

Your DP is very likely aware that he is overweight, but you pointing it out so insensitively (brashly) and rubbing his nose in it will have made him feel very insecure, which in turn might make him angry and defensive for now. If so then I know how he feels.

I would apologise to him later when things have maybe simmered down a bit. Then, let the subject drop for now. If he pipes up in the near future that he has decided of his own accord to do something about it then offer him your full support, whatever the outcome.

LumpySofa · 01/03/2014 00:03

As long as you would not mind him telling you, you were extremely fat, you're golden.

TinyTwoTears · 01/03/2014 02:39

A quick google reveals that two thirds of people regain the weight they lost and more in the 4-5 years after dieting. I would call that a likely possibility.

Lets hope the op is in the other third so she can continue making her husband feel shit without being a hypocrite.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 01/03/2014 02:48

Did you really think he didn't know he is overweight? Confused
And if it makes that much difference to how you feel about him, then leave him now before his appearance sullies your precious precious eyeballs anymore...
Surely you love him for who he is inside? what if he had an accident and was scarred somehow? Or went bald/grew a beard/got a tattoo or something?
And please don't try and wiggle out of how hurtful you have been by making out you are concerned for his health - you may very well be so, but it's too late now, he won't believe you. Men have self esteem too and by the sound of it, you've kicked his to the floor and trampled on it Confused

Joysmum · 01/03/2014 08:31

I've lost a lot of weight myself in the past (6.5 stone) and it's made me more conscious of my DH's issues. I'm scared he's going to die early.

However, I know that if I try to tackle him on it or point it out, it makes matters worse. I was the same when I was at my biggest. All I can do is make things as healthy as I can at home and continue to refuse to get in unhealthy takeaways. This I've been doing but he induges when we aren't together as a family. His choice and I love him anyway but it's hard to watch and cope with because I know as he gets older, his health will suffer and he will probably die well before me.

DarlingGrace · 01/03/2014 08:37

Remember 'Gladiators'? I remember reading an article about the one that went out with Ulrika. He couldnt get life insurance because he was considered 'obese'.

So a highly manual job is going to have a fair amount of muscle weight in that but the BMI wont change any.

but YABU to mention somoenes weight. It would all be LTB if he told you you were a bit of a porker.

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 01/03/2014 08:44

The problem is that weight is such a sensitive issue. So sensitive in fact, that we don't talk about it in case we upset or offend someone. This is all well and good but this means that some people just don't realise how dangerous it can be for them to get bigger and bigger.

We have a friend who is obese. He knows he is and jokes about it and how he needs to lose the weight but doesn't do anything about it. His wife makes the odd comment and they try diets together but she ends up losing weight and he falls off the wagon. I sometimes wonder if it will take something awful to happen to him for him to realise that something needs to be done about his health. As good friends, this is awful but I don't know what else we can do.

Original poster
stella69x · 02/03/2014 17:30

Late response but thank you all for your replies. They have given me plenty to think about, yes I need a filter before I speak sometimes and could be more considerate to the feelings of others. In my defence it was learning I was obese that was my catalyst for change, but I discovered this myself, nit have a loved one point it out.
To the pp who said it might be my problem, I think there maybe legs in that so it is something I need to work on, my love for him v sexual attractiveness. Maybe that makes me shallow, but this is an 18 month relationship not a life partnership yet.

OP posts:
Latara · 02/03/2014 18:31

I don't think that you were BU to mention it.

When I was obese I didn't see myself as fat, but curvy instead. Now I realise I was just fat.

I wish someone had said something to me then because I may have started to lose weight sooner, although I'm losing weight now happily I've got 2 stone to go (and no, I won't be putting it back on!).

Latara · 02/03/2014 18:34

PS it is brave to admit the truth; that you don't necessarily find him sexually attractive as an obese man. Hopefully he will do something about his weight problem!

maddening · 02/03/2014 18:49

why did you pick this battle? If you are concerned about his health and he is putting weight on fast etc then maybe but handled more sensitively but if just for the sake of it then yanbu.

maddening · 02/03/2014 18:50

doh - yabu !

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 02/03/2014 18:50

The bigger people get, the thinner their skin.

Does tiptoeing around the issue actually help?

If you are going to be a big person, you need to "own it".

Meanwhile, nobody needs to be rude about it. Ever.

But really, are all of uou daying it cannot even be mentioned? At all? Ever? If your DH was damaging his health through alcohol or cigs, would you also say nothing?

FamiliesShareGerms · 02/03/2014 18:58

DH is technically obese, but he is so tall that the normal conversion charts don't really "work" (and he is really not obese !)

Even if you know something is true, having it said very bluntly is most likely to annoy it upset you, surely you know that ?

mercibucket · 02/03/2014 19:40

have you already hinted at it? are there health implications?
i did the same with dh. he startef talking about how he needed to put a bit of weight on Shock delusional Shock until then i assumed he knew he was already overweight

theimposter · 02/03/2014 19:45

BMI is a load of crap. If he is stocky and muscular he could easily be 'obese' with a low fat percentage. Calliper testing is much better IMHO and really going by 'look'. Body builders, athletes and other sports people often class as 'obese' on this scale but have very low fat percentages.

wordfactory · 02/03/2014 19:48

I think you need to ask yourself what you wanted to achieve OP.

If you're one of those 'saying it like it is' people, then I'm sorry, but they tend to be people with no manners or empathy. Life is too short to be bothered with such people IMVHO.

If you're worried about his weight then fine to talk. But be careful...if this is someone you love, then tread lightly.

CoolaSchmoola · 02/03/2014 20:08

BMI is spectacularly flawed when used for adults. Your calculations will bear very little resemblance to a caliper test which is proven to be far more accurate.

When my DH had his last but one Army medical the Dr actually laughed out loud at the BMI result which stated my DH was obese.

He is 5' 11 and 14.5 stone. He is very broad shouldered, very muscular and runs 10 miles carrying a weighted rucksack three times a week.

There isn't a pick of fat on him - but there is an above average amount of muscle, and that skewed his BMI results.

You could have hurt your bf for nothing through being ill informed and applying flawed theories.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 02/03/2014 21:14

Somehow I do not think OP DP is a professional rugby player or body builder or super tall super muscular marine.

If he is, she is BU

But most people who fall into the obese category are not muscle men, they are fat, no?

theimposter · 02/03/2014 23:49

Maybe Fiscal but it could be that they are stocky/big build and only carrying a few extra pounds but that puts them over into the 'obese' category on the crappy BMI scale. I did a half ironman and was still classed as overweight but I have chunky legs and broad shoulders. Pretty disheartening when you are eating well and doing 2-3 hrs exercise a day...