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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking this is emotional abuse?

37 replies

debbs77 · 27/02/2014 18:33

Can't find a relationship thread, so putting it here.

Tonight my other half has for shitty with me. We've been arguing the last couple of days anyway. He pushes and pushes (verbally), takes the Mickey out of the way I'm talking, turns the blame round onto me. Until I blow and get mad.

Then he backs down, so he is essentially the one being shouted at. Tells me I'm the one with the problem. Acts all nice, smiling, asking for cuddles. Then is extra attentive to the kids.

I don't want a load of man haters shouting "leave him!" From the roof tops. This is a genuine post

OP posts:
MojitoMadness · 27/02/2014 18:51

You know I was all ready to be sympathetic and give advice until I got to the I don't want a load of man haters shouting "leave him!" instead have a Biscuit. Hmm

bebanjo · 27/02/2014 19:19

If you believe you are being emotionally abused,but you don't want support to leave this man what do think you want?
No one can change him.
You know what he is like.
Do you want to stay with him?

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 19:21

Yes, this is not normal and it's abusive.

I love men which is why I know abusive ones when I see them.

redskyatnight · 27/02/2014 19:22

Relate?

Sounds like neither of you are very good at communicating.

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 19:22

What has led you to believe that people who don't want people to abuse other people are man-haters?

rabbitlady · 27/02/2014 19:26

yes its abuse. leave him.
man-haters? not me. i don't hate them. i just hate the way they sometimes behave.

Calloh · 27/02/2014 19:28

Forgetting the final sentence of your post but dealing with the rest - I am no expert in this at all but I would have thought it is emotional abuse if there is a pre-meditated intention to chip away at your confidence by winding you up and then trying to make you believe that you are the unreasonable one.

Is this what he is doing or is he grumpy and then backing down when you challenge him?

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 19:28

Let's just suppose it's not abusive.

Does he see there's a problem?

Chottie · 27/02/2014 19:29

I don't hate men either
But, if I was you, I would hate the way my DP was treating me :( he doesn't seem loving or caring.

I don't know any men who behave in that way.

AgentZigzag · 27/02/2014 19:30

It could be seen as him winding you up, you starting to argue back, he calms down and then tries to make it up to you?

That doesn't sound abusive as such to me, unless there's more to it?

How often does it happen? If it's every day then I'd be wonder if I wanted to stay with someone I didn't get on with, but once a month could be explained away by a whole load of things that aren't abuse.

What happens if you keep calm and don't rise to the bait?

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 19:30

Emotional Abuse

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 19:33

Agent

I've been with my DH for 23 years. Not once has he taken the mickey out of me, nor me, him

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 19:37

... I mean in the midst of an argument

SeaSickSal · 27/02/2014 19:37

I'm sorry but your argument sounds very much like the one abusive men use. 'She pushes me and pushes me until I lose it'. You're essentially blaming him for you losing control. That is your responsibility not his. It sounds like you are the one behaving badly but you're determined to blame it on him.

AgentZigzag · 27/02/2014 19:40

Nor has mine after 13 years Newt, but some people's argument technique is little more than that of a 5 year old (without doing 5 YOs down), and they feel that making the other person out to be ridiculous (ironically) gives them more points (and I hate point scoring).

But that's not abusive on it's own, it's just the way they argue.

And it sounded as though he got back as much as he gave, 'blowing' to me (apart from a BJ) means exploding in anger.

It's just arguments.

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 19:41

SeaSickSal

That's an argument people use to explain hitting their partners. The OP did not say she hit her partner

AgentZigzag · 27/02/2014 19:41

'... I mean in the midst of an argument'

Given Grin

That'd be odd else.

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 19:43

Agent

Fair enough. Relentless arguing isn't healthy, and if the OPs DH doesn't see a problem (not sure if he does or doesn't) then she has got a problem

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/02/2014 19:44

What Seasick said. You can;t blame him for YOUR reaction. If you react that way, and neither of you are happy with that, then you need to consider your future together, or communicate about what is going on. You can go to a councelling service, such as Relate, or just talk to each other.

CoffeeTea103 · 27/02/2014 19:44

You sound just as abusive as him.

Hoppinggreen · 27/02/2014 19:46

I only hate abusive arseholes, can I be on this thread?

AgentZigzag · 27/02/2014 19:48

I'm not sure I'd describe a couple of days as relentless Newt, it depends on why the OP thinks they've fallen out for that time.

The fact that DH backs down as much if not more that I do after an argument is one thing I value in him.

Much, much worse to have a sulker who punishes you for days and days, or one that goes on needling you to 'win' the game they're playing in their head.

That to me is more towards the boundary of abuse than someone who's contrite after the event.

MistressDeeCee · 27/02/2014 19:53

Yes, he is an emotional abuser - he is gaslighting you, messing with your emotions by making you blow your top, and then increasing your stress and bad feelings by presenting you as the unreasonable one. Men like this never stop their behaviour, theyre addicted to the game as a cover up for whatever else is bothering them in their lives. They need the drama, and to feel superior to someone. Best is to completely and utterly ignore. Its no fun for them if you won't play the game. He will just find some other way to get you back though, its just what gaslighters do. A bunch of supposedly manhating women is the least of your problems, methinks..

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 19:53

Agent

Yes. I guess I'm reading stuff into this.

OP

I'd like to know if your DH apologises to you; if when you argue you reach a resolution

MistressDeeCee · 27/02/2014 19:57

& theyre always contrite afterwards - they can afford to be, theyve had their fix.

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