To expect a bit more???

[BannanaRamma]

My DP has always had back problems. It seems to be getting worse as the years go on. And I know how much pain DP is in, the amount of medication DP is on is a lot too....
It's just I feel like I'm on my own some times. I cook, clean, look after children, shop, washing, entertain DP random family members who come knocking day after day.
I dont drive, my DP does. So I can't go out (live in small village, no buses) to go shopping etc. The children come home & know DP in bed so be quiet, friends ring & always ask where DP is and before I answer they do for me! Saying 'Oh in bed again?'
We miss family days out, doing anything as a family.
I understand the pain is bad, I do.
But at certain times DP will get up, help family members out, help friends out, go for long walks etc. Just seems to be when DP 'feels' like it. DP isn't depressed (we went doctors to make sure)
Yesterday DP got up at 9am and went out because I had an app and I needed lift. But went back to bed in afternoon and got up a few hours later, then went sleep at 10.30pm. It's not 14.40 and DP hasn't stirred at all.
I say to get up, to take meds & be as active as you can be. Regulate meds etc. But nothing. DP might get up in about hour, if not will stay asleep til children go bed. I feel like DP wasting life & some times think just loves sleep loads.
Like I said I know about the pain etc, it's just I know when DP wants to go, they can.

[Jess03]

That is a lot of pain medication, I think it's really be worth putting effort in to speeding up the diagnosis, no one can take that much pain relief for a long time.

[BannanaRamma]

See this is my dilemma because I understand the pain and the meds, that's why I asked am I being unreasonable. Because I argue with myself about it. DP doesn't take the meds everyday. Can tend to miss some.
Maybe I am being stupid about it all. I just get stressed & need to vent

[Jess03]

I don't think YABU to want a dh that can actually contribute to your family life at all, this life you both have sounds horrible. The condition needs to get better and soon, I do think other drs are a good idea too, dh needs a plan out of this, it would get anyone down, must realise he's useless now.

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

No Physio will recommend bed rest for a bad back.

He needs to get up and back on horse IF that's the only issue. Or the docs

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"Maybe getting depression tested for again might help"

Good idea to talk to the doctor again about depression, and perhaps other mental health issues too, if your DP is willing to. Perhaps also discuss other sources of help, such as a pain clinic or counselling.

"I've tried talking to DP about it all, but it ends up being me that don't do a lot"

^^ In relation to this sort attitude, one thing you could do immediately is start to keep a daily 'activity' diary. For example, you could record the times he is sleeping, any activity periods when he's awake, time spent out of the home, etc. Not so you can challenge each other over who does what, but simply so you can illustrate your concerns and show him just how much of his life is being given over to this.

[VanitasVanitatum]

Not that it's relevant but everyone is assuming dp is male..

I would suggest that dp is pretty unhappy to be this demotivated, doctor may have 'ruled out' depression but something is not right.

You should not be having to carry the burden of the whole family like this. You need to have a serious chat with your dp and make sure they know how unhappy you are.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"Not that it's relevant but everyone is assuming dp is male"

Your right, VanitasVanitatum, I certainly did.

I've just looked back over the posts and see that where I have taken the pronoun 'she' to be referring to OP's partner (coming in and sitting around) it was actually referring to OP' partner's gran!

My mistake! In fact, when I read back over all of BannanaRamma's posts in this thread, it would seem that he/she has taken a great deal of care to avoid revealing his/her partner's gender.

I don't know why.

What I wrote in my earlier post would remain the same regardless of the gender of either the OP or the OP's DP.

[BannanaRamma]

Thanks to everyone for their input & opinions. I'm going back to the doctors to hopefully sort this mess out. I love the fact I can vent and rant on here and no one takes it wrongly. I don't actually have many 'friends' who I can confide in without making them look badly at the situation & judge. I made that mistake of telling my sister & now it's spread round my family like a wild fire. It kind of alienated us from them.
So thanks everyone

And I didn't even realize u typed DP in so much rather than saying her. Just habit I suppose. I just took in the advice regardless if 'he' was inserted or not. Most people face to face call her Sir or Mr anyways. I probably should have said 'her' to begin with. Apologies

[rollonthesummer]

Hmm-the post is written very oddly, taking great care not to use one pronoun to refer to the DP.

Whose children are they, OP? Are they both of yours or just yours?

[mattsmadmum]

oh dear....

[TalisaMaegyr]

oh dear what??

[BannanaRamma]

kotinka I don't see the relevance either. Been just sat here thinking would advise/opinions be different because we are both women? I think probably so.
Might possibly turn to I have offended people(?) By not stating the gender of DP.

rollonthesummer we have one each from previous relationships

I'm unclear how it can be more about how I have written this rather than the problem itself? Or my AIBU. Maybe I'm being to sensitive but ya know, just don't need anyone coming down on me because I wrote this in a certain way.

[capsium]

Is there any physiotherapy he can do to strengthen and support his back? That and possibly loosing weight (if he is overweight) might help him more than the meds, which are just pain relief.

That is a lot of meds to be taking, I too am not shocked that he feels tired on them.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"Been just sat here thinking would advise/opinions be different because we are both women"

Not in the case of my earlier post, it wouldn't.

Back to doctor. If your DP is willing to go back. Depression and/or other mental health issues seem a really strong possibility. In any case intractable pain needs to be regularly reviewed and there are other sources of support, that your DP's GP can refer on to (the examples I gave earlier being a dedicated 'Pain Clinic' and counselling).

Nor was my other suggest based on gender. (Starting a daily activity diary, to give you some sort of record with which to illustrate your concerns).

Not gender based. I'd hate for us to be drifting away from the point, especially given that it sounds as if both you OP and your DP are living with some very real and difficult issues.

[TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy]

Tramadols and morphine, no wonder their sleeping so much. Either one would knock most people out, let alone both, and both are known for really screwing up ones sleep patterns, alongside that most people with chronic pain conditions find sleep a lot less restful than those without because it disrupting to it.

The pain specialist will hopefully help you, if you are going along try to ask about pain management courses and medication schedules alongside the obvious need of trying to figure out causes and dealing with their needs. Any expert on pain management will agree with you on the regimenting it - one needs to stay ahead of the pain for the medicine to be most effective (it's easier to dull a pain before or at its start than at its peak), but at those level of pain killers, a specialist may need to help make that and it may take time to find the right balance/timings.

However, I don't think that that is all of it by a long shot. Both my DP and I have chronic health and pain issues and I personally have had problems in the past of sleeping too much and having my sleep out of sync with our responsibilities purely as it was a habit and a coping mechanism I had built up before and struggled changing even as life changed (my DP, who has far more health issues and damage thankfully had better habits and coping than I did while I worked through it). With chronic health issues, I've found it even more important to maintain a flexible but reasonable schedule as things have progressed. I need to be in bed by a certain time or the entire next day I am shattered, keep wanting to fall asleep, and a mental fog on top of pain that makes it really hard to do things and keep calm. I need to make sure I eat certain amounts by a certain time or things flare up. Even odd things like making sure an area is clean or my hair is done effects things.

There may be one more issue. My DP was our children's main carer for years, and still does a lot, and would do what many in this thread say can be done from a couch and prepare all the meals and so much more. Then DP would go to a doctor and would be told 'you can't possibly be in that much pain, have those mobility problems, and so on and take care of the kids' (during one medical assessment DP he was essentially told that 'either you're a liar or a horrible parent'). Even without depression, this can be a major drain on very finite mental and physical resources to be told these kinds of things. Alongside dealing better with the pain and learning those things about oneself to manage to get life back, there are are likely other pieces that are harder to deal with that may need discussing to build themselves back into seeing that they can. It is odd that your DP seems to do it for everyone but you guys, possibly because they feel the need to prove it to them and needs to be pulled up on that, but from what yo've written it looks like other parts are at play (I imagine the grandmother has a part in that...).

[rollonthesummer]

How long have you been together? Frankly, it sounds like she's taking the piss by expecting you to take care of the house as well as her child. Do you work?

[crazykat]

It's not unreasonable to want more help. Your DP needs to get out of bed and remember that he's part of a family every day, not just when he feels like it.

I know how bad back pain can be, I have two slipped disks, wear on some of the disks and my back goes into very painful spasms every 3-4 months which mean I can hardly move. But I still manage to get up, get 4 young DCs fed and ready for school and walk the mile round trip to school three times a day. When my back is in spasm that's all I can do for the day. When its 'just' pain from the slipped disks I walk to the shops and get the shopping, do all the cooking and cleaning etc as DH works very long hours to support us.

Your DP needs to stop acting like he's a child/single with no responsibilities and get out of bed. Lying in bed most of the day will do his back no good as it will seize up and make it worse, also too much sleep can make you more tired.

[twinkletwinklepops]

This sounds like a terrible situation, I really feel for you as you try to hold it altogether.
As other posts indicate it sounds like something deeper than just the back problems.
I wonder what his Gran thinks of his behaviour. You're very good and loyal to stick it out, if I was you I would be focus on my getting my driving license and then start considering other options.
Life is tough enough, you don't need this. I've been in a similar situation (partner slept a lot and turned out to be bipolar) and I found his routine of always sleeping, being tired, struggling to keep his head up a dinner table etc. I found it all very draining, negative and generally grey, not a healthy situation. I wish you the best of luck!

[YouTheCat]

Leave him.

He is a lazy arse.

You're the one doing the work and bringing in the money so move out and leave him to languish in bed.