To expect a bit more???

[BannanaRamma]

My DP has always had back problems. It seems to be getting worse as the years go on. And I know how much pain DP is in, the amount of medication DP is on is a lot too....
It's just I feel like I'm on my own some times. I cook, clean, look after children, shop, washing, entertain DP random family members who come knocking day after day.
I dont drive, my DP does. So I can't go out (live in small village, no buses) to go shopping etc. The children come home & know DP in bed so be quiet, friends ring & always ask where DP is and before I answer they do for me! Saying 'Oh in bed again?'
We miss family days out, doing anything as a family.
I understand the pain is bad, I do.
But at certain times DP will get up, help family members out, help friends out, go for long walks etc. Just seems to be when DP 'feels' like it. DP isn't depressed (we went doctors to make sure)
Yesterday DP got up at 9am and went out because I had an app and I needed lift. But went back to bed in afternoon and got up a few hours later, then went sleep at 10.30pm. It's not 14.40 and DP hasn't stirred at all.
I say to get up, to take meds & be as active as you can be. Regulate meds etc. But nothing. DP might get up in about hour, if not will stay asleep til children go bed. I feel like DP wasting life & some times think just loves sleep loads.
Like I said I know about the pain etc, it's just I know when DP wants to go, they can.

[falulahthecat]

Just to mention - they have found some chronic back pain is caused by bacteria, which re-enters the bloodstream every time you clean your teeth etc. would you believe!
Some people have had back pain for 20+ years then had a few courses of these new antibiotics and got better!!!
It may be worth looking it up and going to the GP to make sure his back problems aren't at least in part caused by this.

[caruthers]

LTB she's no good for you obviously.

[Koothrapanties]

Op have you name changed?

[HermioneWeasley]

What YoutheCat said.

It is a truth rarely acknowledged in our culture that women can be vile and abusive too.

Do this, for your DD if not for you.

[YouTheCat]

She sounds abusive tbh. She's ground you down and alienated your friends and family.

She is being vile to your dd. You are not worthless. Please get some head space and think about what is best for you and your dd.

[LimitedTime]

Some days our relationship is just perfect. But more often than not, it's draining. She is supportive of me , I'm working a dead end job & she supports my change in career. She can be so complimentary to me. Loving too, when she feels like it.
But on the flip side, she's always right. Her friends have disappeared because they can't be dealing being told how they are always wrong. How their life is shit , she even has the audacity to tell my sister she's a bad parent. My sister is the kind of parent I'd love my partner to be.
Before I met my partner, I had an amazing group of friends. She didn't like them. I now have none of them. She said it's because they took me for a mug & walked all over me.
I recently found out my sister & mum have been talking. Saying my partner is controlling me. And maybe they are right. But I obviously let it and I'm in denial.
This situation I'm in delves so much deeper than what I've said here. I'm emotionally drained, tired all the time, failed at being a proper parent & feeling sorry for myself.
I understand the medication can knock her for six. I know how it feels. I just feel that laying in bed all day every day is just wasting life away. I don't want to walk on egg shells & make the kids do the same. She wants a 'lay in' at the weekend, not til like 8 or even 9. She's talking like 11/12 o'clock. If my DD looks at her, she usually snaps "what you looking at?" To which my DD will go away.
In all these years I cannot remember laying on sofa with my DD just watching Tele. Or just messing around. My partner wanted Sky installed, but wouldn't let the kids watch it so I cancelled it.
You see? Just little picky things. That and she always puts my DD down a lot. As for her Gran, I've told her to leave my house plenty of times. I'm not scared of her like everyone else is.
I've had a hard life, I just want to be happy. But I just feel like I've nor got anything in me anymore. I feel hollow & worthless.

[Melonbreath]

Tramadol and liquid morphine knock anyone for 6, and they are both horribly addictive. I felt awfully sick when I came off tramadol, for the reason it turned me into a zombie and I was asleep more than awake. And my back STILL hurt.
As others have said back problems go hand in hand with depression, firsthand experience here.

I'd persuade him to do physio and limit the pain killers. Maybe visit a chiropractor, they really helped me as did a pilates dvd.
These are all things he has to have the gumption to do for himself though.

And if he isn't prepared to do anything to improve the situation you need to think whether this relationship is worth it.

and if your mil pees you off just be as rude as you like to her in your own home, if she doesn't like it she know where the door is

[YouTheCat]

Oops sorry OP.

I have read the posts I missed.

I stand by what I have said. Leave.

[HermioneWeasley]

What do you get out of this relationship? How does she enhance your life?

She sounds lazy.

[YouTheCat]

Leave him.

He is a lazy arse.

You're the one doing the work and bringing in the money so move out and leave him to languish in bed.

[twinkletwinklepops]

This sounds like a terrible situation, I really feel for you as you try to hold it altogether.
As other posts indicate it sounds like something deeper than just the back problems.
I wonder what his Gran thinks of his behaviour. You're very good and loyal to stick it out, if I was you I would be focus on my getting my driving license and then start considering other options.
Life is tough enough, you don't need this. I've been in a similar situation (partner slept a lot and turned out to be bipolar) and I found his routine of always sleeping, being tired, struggling to keep his head up a dinner table etc. I found it all very draining, negative and generally grey, not a healthy situation. I wish you the best of luck!

[crazykat]

It's not unreasonable to want more help. Your DP needs to get out of bed and remember that he's part of a family every day, not just when he feels like it.

I know how bad back pain can be, I have two slipped disks, wear on some of the disks and my back goes into very painful spasms every 3-4 months which mean I can hardly move. But I still manage to get up, get 4 young DCs fed and ready for school and walk the mile round trip to school three times a day. When my back is in spasm that's all I can do for the day. When its 'just' pain from the slipped disks I walk to the shops and get the shopping, do all the cooking and cleaning etc as DH works very long hours to support us.

Your DP needs to stop acting like he's a child/single with no responsibilities and get out of bed. Lying in bed most of the day will do his back no good as it will seize up and make it worse, also too much sleep can make you more tired.

[rollonthesummer]

How long have you been together? Frankly, it sounds like she's taking the piss by expecting you to take care of the house as well as her child. Do you work?

[TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy]

Tramadols and morphine, no wonder their sleeping so much. Either one would knock most people out, let alone both, and both are known for really screwing up ones sleep patterns, alongside that most people with chronic pain conditions find sleep a lot less restful than those without because it disrupting to it.

The pain specialist will hopefully help you, if you are going along try to ask about pain management courses and medication schedules alongside the obvious need of trying to figure out causes and dealing with their needs. Any expert on pain management will agree with you on the regimenting it - one needs to stay ahead of the pain for the medicine to be most effective (it's easier to dull a pain before or at its start than at its peak), but at those level of pain killers, a specialist may need to help make that and it may take time to find the right balance/timings.

However, I don't think that that is all of it by a long shot. Both my DP and I have chronic health and pain issues and I personally have had problems in the past of sleeping too much and having my sleep out of sync with our responsibilities purely as it was a habit and a coping mechanism I had built up before and struggled changing even as life changed (my DP, who has far more health issues and damage thankfully had better habits and coping than I did while I worked through it). With chronic health issues, I've found it even more important to maintain a flexible but reasonable schedule as things have progressed. I need to be in bed by a certain time or the entire next day I am shattered, keep wanting to fall asleep, and a mental fog on top of pain that makes it really hard to do things and keep calm. I need to make sure I eat certain amounts by a certain time or things flare up. Even odd things like making sure an area is clean or my hair is done effects things.

There may be one more issue. My DP was our children's main carer for years, and still does a lot, and would do what many in this thread say can be done from a couch and prepare all the meals and so much more. Then DP would go to a doctor and would be told 'you can't possibly be in that much pain, have those mobility problems, and so on and take care of the kids' (during one medical assessment DP he was essentially told that 'either you're a liar or a horrible parent'). Even without depression, this can be a major drain on very finite mental and physical resources to be told these kinds of things. Alongside dealing better with the pain and learning those things about oneself to manage to get life back, there are are likely other pieces that are harder to deal with that may need discussing to build themselves back into seeing that they can. It is odd that your DP seems to do it for everyone but you guys, possibly because they feel the need to prove it to them and needs to be pulled up on that, but from what yo've written it looks like other parts are at play (I imagine the grandmother has a part in that...).

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"Been just sat here thinking would advise/opinions be different because we are both women"

Not in the case of my earlier post, it wouldn't.

Back to doctor. If your DP is willing to go back. Depression and/or other mental health issues seem a really strong possibility. In any case intractable pain needs to be regularly reviewed and there are other sources of support, that your DP's GP can refer on to (the examples I gave earlier being a dedicated 'Pain Clinic' and counselling).

Nor was my other suggest based on gender. (Starting a daily activity diary, to give you some sort of record with which to illustrate your concerns).

Not gender based. I'd hate for us to be drifting away from the point, especially given that it sounds as if both you OP and your DP are living with some very real and difficult issues.

[capsium]

Is there any physiotherapy he can do to strengthen and support his back? That and possibly loosing weight (if he is overweight) might help him more than the meds, which are just pain relief.

That is a lot of meds to be taking, I too am not shocked that he feels tired on them.

[BannanaRamma]

kotinka I don't see the relevance either. Been just sat here thinking would advise/opinions be different because we are both women? I think probably so.
Might possibly turn to I have offended people(?) By not stating the gender of DP.

rollonthesummer we have one each from previous relationships

I'm unclear how it can be more about how I have written this rather than the problem itself? Or my AIBU. Maybe I'm being to sensitive but ya know, just don't need anyone coming down on me because I wrote this in a certain way.

[TalisaMaegyr]

oh dear what??

[mattsmadmum]

oh dear....

[rollonthesummer]

Hmm-the post is written very oddly, taking great care not to use one pronoun to refer to the DP.

Whose children are they, OP? Are they both of yours or just yours?

[BannanaRamma]

Thanks to everyone for their input & opinions. I'm going back to the doctors to hopefully sort this mess out. I love the fact I can vent and rant on here and no one takes it wrongly. I don't actually have many 'friends' who I can confide in without making them look badly at the situation & judge. I made that mistake of telling my sister & now it's spread round my family like a wild fire. It kind of alienated us from them.
So thanks everyone

And I didn't even realize u typed DP in so much rather than saying her. Just habit I suppose. I just took in the advice regardless if 'he' was inserted or not. Most people face to face call her Sir or Mr anyways. I probably should have said 'her' to begin with. Apologies

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"Not that it's relevant but everyone is assuming dp is male"

Your right, VanitasVanitatum, I certainly did.

I've just looked back over the posts and see that where I have taken the pronoun 'she' to be referring to OP's partner (coming in and sitting around) it was actually referring to OP' partner's gran!

My mistake! In fact, when I read back over all of BannanaRamma's posts in this thread, it would seem that he/she has taken a great deal of care to avoid revealing his/her partner's gender.

I don't know why.

What I wrote in my earlier post would remain the same regardless of the gender of either the OP or the OP's DP.

[VanitasVanitatum]

Not that it's relevant but everyone is assuming dp is male..

I would suggest that dp is pretty unhappy to be this demotivated, doctor may have 'ruled out' depression but something is not right.

You should not be having to carry the burden of the whole family like this. You need to have a serious chat with your dp and make sure they know how unhappy you are.