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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please come and tell me your coping mechanisms for awful in laws.

53 replies

Amazonite · 26/02/2014 20:40

Hi, all advice will be gratefully received here! My in laws the female ones anyway tend to put me down at family gatherings very subtle things that I would look petty for defending myself on.

I get really cross and simmer under the surface and find it really difficult to have a good time and be happy after they have made their comments. All the while they are the life and soul getting louder and more outgoing and I just end up looking like a moody cow.

To goad me they ask me what's wrong and am I ok?? How can I not let this get to me and just have a good time no matter what they do?

OP posts:
NinjaBunny · 26/02/2014 20:41

I drink lots of alcohol when I spend time with mine.

Cheers. Wine

pussycatdoll · 26/02/2014 20:42

Can you give an example of how they put you down ?

Could you say 'actually that's pretty hurtful'
Or get dh to tell his family they're out of order?

Onesleeptillwembley · 26/02/2014 20:44

Live in a different country. Grin

Bubblegoose · 26/02/2014 20:44

Fake it. Act really happy and confident and have the time of your life. They will hate it. And eventually, you WILL start having a great time.

Come up with a mantra and repeat it to yourself. "I'm an amazing person and they're woeful cunts" or something.

Martorana · 26/02/2014 20:45

Check to make sure you're not imagining it? It is possible that you are.....

Caitlin17 · 26/02/2014 20:46

I have as little as possible to do with them . None of them live near us, OH visits mil, I don't go. Usually manage to be out when his brother and his wife visit. They're his family, not mine, notmu

Caitlin17 · 26/02/2014 20:46

Argh not my problem.

Original poster
Amazonite · 26/02/2014 20:47

bubblegoose that is what I wish I could do. They are experts at this. I am terrible at hiding my true feelings.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 26/02/2014 20:48
Wine
Original poster
Amazonite · 26/02/2014 20:50

martorana there is history here. It is definitely happening my husband sees it too but because of our children we do have to spend time with them occasionally.

OP posts:
MrsDeanAmbrose · 26/02/2014 20:52

Wine. Lots of it.

Roll your eyes once they start with the comments, smile sweetly at the others and say "so who wants another drink?" Gives you an excuse to get a drink and makes you look like you're not bothered by what they say.

impty · 26/02/2014 20:53

Smile, nod, ignore, drink wine..... moan to your friends but not to your dh. My new one is to dilute them by inviting other people too.

Original poster
Amazonite · 26/02/2014 20:54

pussycatdoll "is that a new coat? You must have spent a lot of your husbands money to buy that. I just hope he can afford it and you're not spending too much. We are just concerned about you both".

"How is your family? Is your sister ok? She seemed like something was wrong at the christening, is she usually that moody? We tried to talk to her but it was like getting blood out of a stone".

OP posts:
impty · 26/02/2014 20:54

Actually, they have mentioned that I like a drink..... it's hard not to point out why!

iklboo · 26/02/2014 20:55

Yep. Smile, nod, bland conversation & talk about the DCs a lot.

Home, wine, rant.

(This happens when we visit my folks as well so it's not just a pop at DH's parents).

Original poster
Amazonite · 26/02/2014 20:55

mrsdeanambrose the problem is they pull me up for being rude to them when I respond in any way defensively or rudely. Then I look like the person in the wrong. It's infuriating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amazonite · 26/02/2014 20:57

Pregnant so no wine for me otherwise wine usually helps a lot!

OP posts:
impty · 26/02/2014 21:00

Oh no don't waste time and energy explaining or reasoning. Smile whilst making up new sweary names for them, and thinking of marvellous put downs...... just remember to keep them in your head!

No wine, cake? Chocolate?

parakeet · 26/02/2014 21:09
  1. "I BEG your pardon?" [surprised face]

[Then if they dare to repeat it] Er...[shrug] don't worry, we have enough money for our needs, thanks all the same.

  1. Yeah, she's fine, thanks. [shrug]

They do sound very rude, I must admit. But then, if they don't care about offending you, why should you care about offending them? Just keep shrugging, shaking your head, and pretending you don't really understand what they're getting at

henrysmate · 26/02/2014 21:13

My MIL asked me, loudly at a recent family gathering if I had meant my hair to look like that. Wine, wine, and more wine. It's the only way.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 26/02/2014 21:16

I would not put myself in a situation where people are that rude. Husbands families usually think their wives spend too much money.

Its almost like he should be earning to support them.

They sound fucking outrageously rude and to be honest I would have your DH have a strong word with them about it.

In fact I am sure I saw a film or series or something where family was moaning about the money a man was spending on his wife/woman, and the husband gave the most glorious fuck off to them....a wonderful speech...

I would not go to further gatherings until they get their tongues back in line, why should you have to put up with it.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 26/02/2014 21:18

They pull you up for being rude.

sounds like a can of worms.

withdraw tell your DH it doesnt make you feel good to be round them.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 26/02/2014 21:24

Instead of ever looking at any of them, look about six inches over their left shoulder all the time. No matter what they say, just nod, smile sweetly, make some innocuous comment, but always look over their shoulder.
It will drive them insane and if they ask what you're looking at, say "you of course? we're talking?" in a confused tone because you have no idea what they mean Wink

AnnabelleDarling · 26/02/2014 21:25

I spent years agonising over the way my ILs treated me. What had I done to offend them? Why did they dislike me so much when I tried to be so nice to them? Etc, etc.

Eventually I realised it was them, not me. There was nothing I could do to change their obnoxious behaviour but I could make myself stop caring. And I did. Couldn't give a damn about them now. They are nasty people and I will not stoop to their level.

Treat them like a tantruming toddler - ignore, ignore, ignore. That will really wind them up!

NearTheWindymill · 26/02/2014 21:28

Oh yes I remember the comments about my "extravagance" - you know £49 on a pair of cotton trousers. I just used to say quite sweetly; well I spent my money so it shouldn't really matter to you. Or if I wasn't feeling quite so sweet "well, my mother never brought me up to have second best".

25 odd years on - the old bag is on her own, her own dd's live on different continents and we have both mellowed. Her piece de resistance that I shall never ever forgive was "it's such a relief that sil can perform" just after sil had twins - you know no stitches and breast fed for a year - when our ds 2 died at 27 weeks. I shall rise above it but I'll never forget it and I'll never regard her in a kindly motherly light. Her loss.

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