Please come and tell me your coping mechanisms for awful in laws.

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Hi, all advice will be gratefully received here! My in laws the female ones anyway tend to put me down at family gatherings very subtle things that I would look petty for defending myself on.

I get really cross and simmer under the surface and find it really difficult to have a good time and be happy after they have made their comments. All the while they are the life and soul getting louder and more outgoing and I just end up looking like a moody cow.

To goad me they ask me what's wrong and am I ok?? How can I not let this get to me and just have a good time no matter what they do?

So funny how often alcohol is mentioned, that was my first instinct on reading the title - wine

I tried living in another country, it was worse - 6 weeks at a time, no thanks.

As kids get older it is easier to be too busy to fit them in....

I use the it's her not me reassurance as well. I've also turned it into a little game with my sister where I report back all the things mil says and we have a giggle about it. This is definitely better for my wellbeing. Before I was able to laugh about it I felt extremely anxious whenever in her company

Ignore them, not worth the bother, sooner you learn to do it the better as they will not change

Not for my in laws, who are lovely, but for other difficult people I meditate more prior to seeing them, and do breathing mindfulness type exercises when I'm with them. It makes me feel bomb proof.

Failing that, I go to the loo a lot.

And helps.

In situations where outright rudeness isn't advisable or possible, for whatever reason, I look levelly at the person who has made the rude/racist/sexist remark and say 'I'm sorry, could you repeat that?'

The person nearly always climbs down, retracts or gets flustered when they have to repeat themselves and therefore think about what they're saying - and of course they can't use the 'oh, it just slipped out' excuse as easily. Meanwhile, I've said nothing openly confrontational, because I might have just misheard.

On the comparatively rare occasion someone is stupid enough to repeat themselves word for word, you have various options from 'In what possible universe is that any of your business?' to 'yes, that's what I thought you said, but I couldn't believe my ears.'

As to finances just say Oow I woildnt spend money we couldnt afford knowing how hard dh works for it

My family are very well thank you.
Remarks about christening n sister no she doeant normally come across as moody maybe she was a bit poorly but didn't want to ruin my day

"How is your family? Is your sister ok? She seemed like something was wrong at the christening, is she usually that moody? We tried to talk to her but it was like getting blood out of a stone".

Oh she's fine, she just thinks you're arseholes

Resolve to respond to everything they say with only a yes or no. Pause for a second after their attack and then answer either yes or no. Smile brightly and maintain eye contact but do not say another word until they have changed the subject, eg:

Them: Is that a new coat?
You: No.
Them: You must have spent a lot of your husbands money to buy that.
You: (smile and maintain eye contact)
Them: I just hope he can afford it and you're not spending too much.
You: (smile and maintain eye contact)
Them: We are just concerned about you both
You: (smile and maintain eye contact)

Them: How is your family? Is your sister ok?
You: Yes.
Them: She seemed like something was wrong at the christening, is she usually that moody?
You: (smile and maintain eye contact)
Them: We tried to talk to her but it was like getting blood out of a stone.
You: (smile and maintain eye contact)

If they ask question that cannot be answered with a yes or no, say nothing. And, you guessed it, smile and maintain eye contact.

Not specific to in laws, the response I use is a vague, slightly vacant expression, as though I haven't heard properly, and force them to repeat. Even then, act as though I haven't quite got the gist. Vague, mmm, eh, oh right yeah, while still not hearing Trust me, it works.

I second the person who said to ask them to repeat themselves when an odd comment is made. I think this is a very effective technique. It gives you a chance to formulate a response and maybe draws attention from others to the fact that they've said something a bit rude.

I have in-laws like this too and I know that it is really hard to deal with - I always think of great responses a half hour later!

When with them I try to keep myself busy with the kids, pop out to get something from the car, go to the loo, etc. Easier said than done I know.

They're not going to change so no point in getting into any confrontations or being deliberately rude. Try not to give them fodder to be discussing you as soon as you leave the room.

My dh says to ask 'and what do you mean by that' every time a snide or rude comment is made. If pg, surely you have the perfect excuse to scarper as tired and resting for the baby? They may express mock concern but what can they do?

I love some of theses suggestions. Especially the only yes or no answers. It stops me from getting drawn into one of their silly conversations.

I look through them.
Straight through.

"Is that a new coat?"

Drink!

Seriously though, I just ignore her and let it all bounce off me. I don't engage with her when she starts being snippy and only join in a conversation when it's fairly general and superficial - weather/holiday plans type stuff.

When she starts with the digs I only give 1 word answers which make it clear to her I'm not playing her game

"Is that a new coat"
"Yes"

"You must have spent quite a lot of my son's money....."
"Yes"

She has nowhere to go with it so she sort of peters out. I refuse to rise to it (which enrages her and it makes me happy). I just switch off.

I've spent in excess of 10 years gritting my teeth and trying to make friends with my in laws. DH has finally acknowledged that they're not as nice to me as they say they are (and the whole extended family are horrors too) so I feel no qualms about saying; "Enough, life's too short." Yes/No answers and a beatific smile are my new friends. Along with a head tilt as my second line of defence. I almost want to go and see them. Almost

"is that a new coat? You must have spent a lot of your husbands money to buy that. I just hope he can afford it and you're not spending too much. We are just concerned about you both" ... "I'm SO lucky that I have married DH and we live in ENLIGHTENED times and so its OUR money as we're a partnership. But it must have been SO difficult being in a relationship where you felt you were a kept woman and you didn't have your own money to spend and had to ask your H's permission to spend anything....

I used to bite when my mil started her shit but now I just sit staring ahead or do something else like wander off halfway through her tedious insults it's hard to keep an insult going if you're having to follow someone around the house. It was especially amusing to be told how lazy I was as she followed me around the house as I tidied. "What were you saying. ..oh yes. .I'm lazy. .true true..lazy lazy".

I sometimes start to sing over people, or quote really obscure phrases and often things that make no sense, it's because I'm a Twat though and I enjoy irritating rude people. "Did you know that a tomato is a fruit?" Etc. Confuses the insultee.

It's probably best in your case to just ignore. Or pretend to have glue ear, "what? ? U can't even hear. .I have pregnancy ear.. my coat? Yeah it's nice eh?".

Oh, I thought MY MIL was the only one who does exactly this!
I used to ignore the rudeness and would have tried to justify my expenditure or why my sister was not in a good mood, then I gave up - ended up with a screaming match where we both made it perfectly clear what we thought of each other and didn't speak for over 6 months (most peaceful 6 months of an 18 yr marriage!) We do now speak, but contact is very much more limited.
I felt much better about how I felt when other people commented things like
"do you know those ladies?"
"Yes, they are my MIL and SIL"
"WTF!! are you serious? They are SO rude to you".
It wasn't until this started happening regularly that I realised that it really WAS them and not me. I wouldn't really recommend the screaming match, but at least we don't pretend anymore and just remain civil.

Good Luck

Ooh my SILs are like this, subtle little digs about everything, the fact that I'm a charity shop fiend and they only dress their DC's in designer clothes, I work from home, their children have more of everything than ours do, go to better schools etc.
I deal with them by agreeing and laughing a lot. "Yep" to everything and a hearty laugh then disengage completely. Walk away or if you need to seem polite say something like "is that XXX over there? I must go say hello" or similar.
The last one was about breast feeding. Now I am massively in favour of the 'feed your baby however you want for a long as you want when and where you want' and actively supported my SIL when she was really struggling with breast feeding. The last time I had to socialise with her and some mutual friends I was subjected to a diatribe on the fact that formula is evil and people (like me) who ff their children were essentially poisoning them and ruining their future. It probably went on for longer than the 2 minutes I listened to but I got up and walked away with a polite smile on my face and a big fat fuck off on the tip of my tongue when she was half way through a sentence...
The trick is to be rude without looking like you are so nobody can pull you up on actually showing you find them tedious arseholes.

Nod smile lots of wine hopefully in a druken moment of bravery I might tell them to. naff off

I too was once accused of spending too much of his money (we both worked). I told her I was bleeding him dry. That shut her up!

I sympathise OP, especially when you're pregnant.

After years of fretting about my similar ILs I've given up on them and decided to cut my losses. I now use them as practice for saying as little as possible. I defer to my DH when we're with them - it's quite fun actually - I can no longer be blamed for things. I offer no opinions and sit watching them silently thinking "What a bunch of arses you lot are". It's a pity, but at least my own DC are developing into adults who have good manners and treat people well. I don't think they realise how loud and patronising they are so I just let myself feel smug about the fact that we have much better manners. It's a shame though.

I think there are two ways I would tackle it depending on how brave/irritated I was.

Either don't rise to it at all - whenever they say something mean/rude just respond with a vague, non-commital "mmm" while smiling.

Or, do a little shocked laugh and say "gosh, I'm sure you didn't mean that to sound as rude as it did!" and immediately move onto another topic.

In general I'd rather be direct & let someone know their comments aren't welcome, but these kinds of faux innocent digs are SO difficult to respond to without looking like you're overreacting.

And I think you can become almost sensitised to the bitchiness so there is a real danger of overreacting.

I know I've taken the bait at times & it's played into my MIL's hands, so I love some of these suggestions.

Have never tried the yes / no answers - that's top of my list now!

Also like "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?".

I've found that refusing to understand / requesting clarification can also leave the one making the digs with nowhere to go.

"I don't think I understand your point" or "And you're telling me this because...?" are good ones.

If my MIL has made some broad, vaguely accusatory point - like your MIL saying your sister was moody - I've sometimes asked her to be more specific (she never can). For instance, "I've no idea what you mean - you'd have to give me some examples [shrug]".

Have also found it effective to just make some bland remark like "I can see that's what you think"; or to echo what she's said, as in responding to "we're concerned about you both" with a smile & "Oh, that's nice, we're concerned about you too".

For trivial but irritating remarks I sometimes just say things like "That's interesting", "Right" or "I see" in a tone of utter blandness, & then just excuse myself / change the subject.

If an offensive opinion has been expressed,but I know there's no room for an honest discussion (& there isn't with my MIL), then I have been known to say - in a pleasant tone, while smiling - "Oh, I couldn't disagree more!" or "Oh, I don't see it like that at all!". Then I change the subject, without any follow-up.

If it gets beyond this level, though, into real interference / nastiness, I would be prepared to be much more upfront- eg. if there were repeated remarks about your finances, or spending "DH's money", I would say "Sorry, I'm not going to discuss our finances with you" or "I wasn't asking for financial advice, thanks" - politely but firmly.