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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I wrong or was my mum

100 replies

6tantrumsaday · 24/02/2014 20:50

So it's half term this week here and me and DH somehow managed to get a few hours to ourselves our youngest two were in playdates and my eldest two were at out neighbours house helping out.

So we were watching tv on the sofa together when my mum walked in and shouted 'what the hell are you doing' I told her to calm down we were just sitting together. She said she could see that and it was disgusting. I said she was being silly we were just sitting here doing nothing and she needed to calm down.
She grumbled and said she was fed up of my backchat. I ignored her.

Then she asked where the DCs had gone. I explained to her and she said that it was just like me to get rid of my DCs and she never abandoned me or my brother. I told her they were happy and to just leave it. She got upset saying they couldn't be happy in school and I was a lazy mum for leaving them there. (She home educated me and my DB and thinks schools are substandard compared to her teaching)
I ignored her again because I have had this argument many times before and I didn't want to have it again.

A little later and whilst she was 'going to the toilet' she found DDs school bag which 'fell' open and she saw some of DDs work. DD is struggling with learning the alphabet so the teacher had sent back some of her work to show us were she was going wrong and some activities to do in the week. My mum just wouldn't shut up about how this was my fault and the schools fault and she was disgusted with me for letting my DCs down.

In the end I got annoyed and told her to go if it upset her that much. She left saying that she hated me and she was fed up of my stupidity.

An hour ago my mum's DH rang our house saying I had really upset her and she couldn't sleep and if I was mean to her again I would have to answer to him. I told him that my mum was unreasonable and he said that I was in the wrong because she wanted the best for my DCs.

So was I being unreasonable because other than the part when I got angry with her I don't think I am in the wrong and yet when things like this happen it's always me who has bullied my poor mum.

So I am throwing it to you AIBU?

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/02/2014 08:24

SIBVU. Now is the time for you to stand up to her. Otherwise this will just continue forever.

dammitsue · 25/02/2014 08:32

I agree Nat, it also sounds like she wants it to continue as she has stated that her husband (after probably trying to talk sense to her) has 'agreed to let her decide' what happens??

Op, do you actually enjoy having this nasty woman treat you like this? Do you then milk the sympathy tit of anyone who will listen whilst never changing the situation??

monkeymamma · 25/02/2014 08:41

Oh bloody hell why be so horrible to the OP? She's allowed to post without necessarily committing to immediately 'doing something about it'. Maybe she just wants to talk and hear some advice without pressure?!

ROARmeow · 25/02/2014 08:46

YANBU, your DM is (and always seems like she'd be an unreasonable one).

Reminds me a lot of my gran. In the end my dad told her to fuck off...and then she started to write abusive letters to me. I was 8 years old, and assumed everyone had a gran who called them "a shower of shites" and other such delights.

Be careful how you tread, but do get rid of her.

starfishmummy · 25/02/2014 08:59

She would have been asked to leave immediately if she had acted like that in my house.

eurochick · 25/02/2014 09:02

Presumably there is a back story here and this is not the first incident in which she has behaved like a fruit loop. Why do you put up with it?

diaimchlo · 25/02/2014 09:26

How rude, I never go to my DC's houses without knocking before entering.

I would never comment about the children being out, in fact I would praise the fact and encourage them to enjoy their quality time together in what ever way they want to.

SHAME ON YOU 6tantrumsaday's parents!!!!!!!

shewhowines · 25/02/2014 09:29

Broken record

Every single time, repeat calmly

You led your life and brought your children up how you wanted to. We are living our lives how we want to, and are bringing up our children the way we want to. Please respect that.

Don't rise to the bait. Repeat, repeat. If you are ignored then, either you walk away from the situation or ask her to leave your house, saying "lets leave it for now and agree to disagree".

You have probably both fallen into a pattern of how you interact. She is unlikely to change, so how you respond to her needs to change. You need to set clear boundaries.

JessieMcJessie · 25/02/2014 09:36

Never ever allow her to walk into your home uninvited again. She appears to have mental health issues and it sounds as if you are damaged/brainwashed by the home schooling (for which read her imposition of total control over you from a young age). Well done for breaking the cycle and giving your own DC a normal upbringing, but you need to be aware that your behaviour is not normal- no normal person would even have had to have asked if they were BU in this situation.

MrsMook · 25/02/2014 10:42

She has no right to enter your home without permission.
She has no right to criticise your parenting.

Challenge her. Defend yourself. You are not her doormat.

My mother didn't accept that I became an adult. In the end I cracked, and changed my response to her as she was making me ill. Best thing I ever did. We have a low contact relationship, and she's much more careful about how she behaves.

Original poster

6tantrumsaday · 25/02/2014 10:57

I started the thread to get other peoples opinion and to see what other people would do.
I don't know what to do about my mum, but I don't think we can carry on like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

6tantrumsaday · 25/02/2014 11:00

I am always the one who is bullying my mum or being mean to her.
When I talk to friends about it they say I can't cut her out because she is my mum and it would be cruel.

OP posts:

shewhowines · 25/02/2014 11:01

No you can't carry on like this. So there are suggestions how to change the situation. Will you take some of them up?

shewhowines · 25/02/2014 11:03

You don't need to cut her out. You set some boundaries, then SHE CHOOSES whether she sees you or not. It is up to her.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 25/02/2014 11:08

Poor you OP. She sounds one bitter old woman.

I recommend you tell her leave the house next time she speaks to you like that in your own house, and walk out of her house if she speaks to you like that there. Stay as calm as you can while doing so.

Like any bully, I think best approach is to stand up to her.

Ignore her bully husband also. They sound a right pair.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 25/02/2014 11:37

I know it's tough to cut her out but she is making the choice. If she can stop herself behaving that way to other people there is no reason she can't stop treating you badly.

You should tell her that she either starts treating you with respect or you cut all contact. Give her one chance only. The moment she steps out of line she has made the choice to go no contact.

Please don't let her poison your life.

natwebb79 · 25/02/2014 11:42

But we've had 4 pages now of unanimous 'you're mum is a poisonous bitch, you really should not put up with this' and you're still repeating yourself. Surely if you just wanted a clear answer to 'Am I being unreasonable or is my mum' then a page or less of 'your mum is' would suffice?! Sorry if it sounds harsh but you either want to continue allowing yourself to be bullied by her or you want to tell her to butt out. Your friends are wrong. She might be your mum but she is behaving in a way that means she no longer deserves to be treated well.

OTheHugeManatee · 25/02/2014 11:50

Your mum sounds barking mad, and a right cow as well. Change the locks.

AngelaDaviesHair · 25/02/2014 12:18

What do you want to happen?
How do you see things changing?

I say: cut her off. Don't listen to your friends, they are not thinking or just being dismissive. Being someone's mother is not a licence to abuse them. Would you treat your DC they way she treats you?

If you can't manage that, at least challenge her, and let your DH challenge her. She undermines your parenting, interferes in your relationship and treats you like dirt. And don't have the front door unlocked if it means she will just walk in.

shewhowines · 25/02/2014 17:35

I know it's hard to change a lifelong pattern, but things are not going to change unless you make them change.
Either accept that this is the way it will be forever or pluck up the courage to change things.

I wouldn't advocate giving up completely just yet. You love her, it's only fair that you give her a chance to change. But you must make it clear where your boundaries lay, and be consistent. If you give an inch she will take a mile. You must make her realise that you are serious in demanding that she treats you with respect. Be calm. Try not to react badly to anything she says. Spell out that you love her and want to keep her in your life but that will only happen if she treats you with respect.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children's sake. You think they don't realise because she is better when they are around, but they will pick up on undercurrents between you. Teach them that it is healthy to have personal boundaries and that it is not ok to be treated badly.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 25/02/2014 22:03

Wow YANBU. Please don't allow yourself to be blackmailed into seeing her again soon either by her or her DH. She really does seem like she has some MH issues which could be causing her irrational behaviour. I am not a professional but I have known people to blow up like this before being diagnosed with dementia.

ukatlast · 26/02/2014 00:35

Why are you even doubting yourself? of course you are not being unreasonable. Your Mother has boundary issues, should not be able to let herself into your house and certainly not call your sitting with your DH on the sofa disgusting.
She sounds toxic and you need to take back control.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/02/2014 06:54

Your friends can't be listening to you. Would you treat your DC they way she treats you? No, because it would be cruel.

ILoveWooly · 26/02/2014 10:09

Your mother is nuts!

The best thing you could do is remove her from your lives.

shewhowines · 26/02/2014 10:28

So many people telling the op to cut her out. I agree in principle. But relationships are complex. You can love someone even if you don't like them.
Set boundaries. You don't need to cut them out. They will cut themselves out if they don't readjust. It is then their decision and choice. You feel that you have given them a fair chance and it's not of your doing. There is no reason to feel guilty and it is not in your control.

I could never just cut someone out of my life, no matter how toxic, unless I felt I had given it my best shot to spell it out to them what they need to do to keep the relationship. Then it is up to them whether they stay in my life.

That's not say you keep giving chances. Set clear boundaries and sick to them. They have got to realise you mean it. Sever contact if any tiny part of your boundary is crossed. Give them one more chance, only if they are truly repentant and realise you are serious. Then no more chances at all. Ever.

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