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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong or was my mum

100 replies

6tantrumsaday · 24/02/2014 20:50

So it's half term this week here and me and DH somehow managed to get a few hours to ourselves our youngest two were in playdates and my eldest two were at out neighbours house helping out.

So we were watching tv on the sofa together when my mum walked in and shouted 'what the hell are you doing' I told her to calm down we were just sitting together. She said she could see that and it was disgusting. I said she was being silly we were just sitting here doing nothing and she needed to calm down.
She grumbled and said she was fed up of my backchat. I ignored her.

Then she asked where the DCs had gone. I explained to her and she said that it was just like me to get rid of my DCs and she never abandoned me or my brother. I told her they were happy and to just leave it. She got upset saying they couldn't be happy in school and I was a lazy mum for leaving them there. (She home educated me and my DB and thinks schools are substandard compared to her teaching)
I ignored her again because I have had this argument many times before and I didn't want to have it again.

A little later and whilst she was 'going to the toilet' she found DDs school bag which 'fell' open and she saw some of DDs work. DD is struggling with learning the alphabet so the teacher had sent back some of her work to show us were she was going wrong and some activities to do in the week. My mum just wouldn't shut up about how this was my fault and the schools fault and she was disgusted with me for letting my DCs down.

In the end I got annoyed and told her to go if it upset her that much. She left saying that she hated me and she was fed up of my stupidity.

An hour ago my mum's DH rang our house saying I had really upset her and she couldn't sleep and if I was mean to her again I would have to answer to him. I told him that my mum was unreasonable and he said that I was in the wrong because she wanted the best for my DCs.

So was I being unreasonable because other than the part when I got angry with her I don't think I am in the wrong and yet when things like this happen it's always me who has bullied my poor mum.

So I am throwing it to you AIBU?

OP posts:
mymiraclebubba · 24/02/2014 21:43

6tantrums - YADNBU but your mum sounds like a complete fruit loop (sorry!). I do understand how you feel about your DC's etc and why you returned to being in contact with her but she sounds incredibly poisonous and you really ought to look at whether you really want her near your kids - especially when you say you don't trust her to be alone with them. That alone suggests you should cut her out of your life.

My DF is an alcoholic who no longer drinks. He was a violent, vindictive and manipulative SOB towards me when i was growing up (and yet the picture perfect Dad to my DSis) after an almighty row and a year of no contact followed by a few difficult years we have quite a good relationship now but i would NEVER leave him alone with my DD or DSC's. Cutting him out of my life was very hard but it did teach him that he would never get away with treating me like that ever again.

Please consider your DC's - her behaviour will impact on them eventually

Original poster
6tantrumsaday · 24/02/2014 21:48

My mum's DH is not my dad. He is my mum's fourth husband and they have been together for 5ish years.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 24/02/2014 21:52

I would go no contact with the stupid bitch.

She sounds downright abusive and not someone id allow near my kids tbh.

cees · 24/02/2014 21:54

She is a raging bitch, your deluded if you think your kids don't hear or notice her total disrespect for you and your husband.

Tell her never to come to your home again and you will (if it's what you want) only see her at a coffee shop or somewhere public where she is to speak to you with respect.

How you didn't fuck her back out the door again I don't know, stand up for yourself and your husband too.

UncleT · 24/02/2014 21:55

She sounds several sandwiches short of a picnic. Tell her to bog off and not return until she can both learn some manners and show some respect. Who needs that crap in their life?

FracturedViewOfLife · 24/02/2014 22:10

I was going to say the same thing as cees I would refuse to have her in my home.

Your house is supposed to be where you feel safe and comfortable and can retreat from shitty people and shitty situations. At least if you meet her in a public place you can walk away.

Gruntfuttock · 24/02/2014 22:18

"Burren she was upset because we were sat together. We were fully dressed and watching The Muskateers we had recorded."

But why? Apart from the fact that she shouldn't be walking into your house, what the hell is "disgusting" about a husband and wife sitting on the sofa? I don't get it. Confused

Has she never sat on the same sofa as her husband then?

Original poster
6tantrumsaday · 24/02/2014 22:25

I don't really know why. She doesn't like public displays of affection and I don't think I have ever seen her hug or kiss any of her husbands. I don't know why she has just always been the same.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 24/02/2014 22:26

It's none of her business how you conduct yourself, especially in your own house Shock

WitchWay · 24/02/2014 22:26

Hardly public in private on your own settee!

Original poster
6tantrumsaday · 24/02/2014 22:29

Well it wasn't public but because she saw it she thinks that it counts

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 24/02/2014 22:30

Well, you need to make sure, if you're going to maintain contact with your mother, that she can't just walk in to your house. She can bloody well wait until she's invited and then wait until you open the door to her. Why would you want to have someone around who has zero respect for you and your DH though? Whether she's your mother or not, there's no reason to tolerate it at all. You're an adult now.

Greydog · 24/02/2014 22:32

Your mum is a tosser. Mine was the same. Nip it in the bud, and deal with it now. Stop her coming round like this. I was weak and didn't, because I felt sorry for her. Well, it was her that made herself the way she was, but we all lived with it, and it made us miserable. Don't put yourself and your family through it

WitchWay · 24/02/2014 22:35

Her own silly fault she saw you because she barged in - she really is ridiculous!

redshoeblueshoe · 24/02/2014 22:36

another vote for the patio

NoodleOodle · 24/02/2014 22:41

Sounds like a toxic relationship. You need to set some boundaries.

YANBU

ahlahktuhflomp · 24/02/2014 22:48

If you are going to have an ongoing relationship with a serial pisstaker of a parent, sometimes the spouse's immunity to their bullshit can be invaluable, because they can be calm, firm and polite in insisting on normal and respectable behaviour.

Also, "answer to me"? Mumsy might be off limits but I see no reason DH can't tell the stepdad "My wife will not be answering to you mate, so how about you and I fucking butt out of their argument?"

TinyTwoTears · 24/02/2014 23:02

I've seen a few threads on mn where parents or pils come into the house uninvited. I have never understood how that situation comes about.
Op, what made your mum come over in the first place? Was she hoping to catch you in a gratuitous display of affection that only the walls were party to? Just weird.

Yanbu of course and I totally would not know what to do in your situation but I would definitely be very unhappy.

And hubby no.4 can butt out as well Hmm

ChasedByBees · 24/02/2014 23:18

She is way, way beyond unreasonable. Do you actually get anything out f your relationship with her? I wonder if her home schooling was actually just a way of ensuring that she could control you on a day to day basis. She seems to think she has that right now.

You re-established contact because you'd be sad if one day your DC stopped talking to you. I bet you don't act like this towards them though do you?

She will be a dangerous influence on them.

I think not being in contact with her would be a healthy choice. If you do stay in contact, boundaries are needed ASAP and her DH can butt right out too.

Mimishimi · 25/02/2014 02:37

Your mum is a fruitcake, sorry.

differentnameforthis · 25/02/2014 03:35

This is how I imagine my mum would be had I not gone NC 22yrs ago. Her third dh also tried the 'answer to me' tactic, and my mum backed him up, so I walked out & never went back.

If a friend came into your home & started that shit, would you put up with it?

I would say not, so why put it with it from your mum?

differentnameforthis · 25/02/2014 03:42

She doesn't talk like that to the DCs I made it clear from the start that I wouldn't be coming back if she spoke to my DCs like that. She is also not left alone with them because I don't trust her. She doesn't speak to me like that in front of the DCs.

Why do you allow this for you & not your dCs? It is damaging you. Regardless of how she behaves in front of them, they will know that she treats you badly, children pick up on this stuff.

Stop allowing her to treat you like a lesser being. She has more respect for your DC than she does you, that is sad!

differentnameforthis · 25/02/2014 03:44

Aside from anything else, op...they dc will soon be old enough to visit her without you, how can you guarantee she won't bad mouth you in front of them & turn them against you?

natwebb79 · 25/02/2014 07:54

This is one of those incredibly frustrating threads where everybody is making it very clear the DM is being U and is asking the OP why they put up with it and all the OP does is answer with mundane facts like 'she doesn't like PDAs'. OP - with all respect it doesn't sound like you're too bothered about standing up to her and changing the situation so why the thread?

WaitMonkey · 25/02/2014 08:08

She sounds horrible. Lock the door in future.

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