To wonder if I'm looking at my bf through rosetinted glasses?

[feelingvunerable]

Ok there is a lot of background to this as I don't want to drip feed.

Please don't flame me as I have had an absolutely terrible year, am told I am constantly run down and this is affecting my health.
Was going to name change but haven't.

I am currently separated from h after being married 20 years plus together for longer. Have 3 dcs eldest 17.

h left and it has not been easy but now I am living life as a single person and moving forward in all aspects of my life.

Straight away I knew I wanted to be with someone for many reasons, not least to experience being loved and wanted by a man. sounds pathetic but my ex never put me first and it was heartbreaking having to live through that.

I have met someone and we really get on. we both felt an instant attraction and he has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

He is a very honest person, telling me personal things straight away, not concealing anything.
So far so good.

My dd1 doesn't like him. She has had a terriblre time coming to terms with the breakdown of her parents marriage, even though she did ask me not to have her dad back, stating that he wasn't good enough for me (again she herself told him he didn't put me first).

The reasons she gives for not liking my boyfriend are as follows:

He is fat
He is ugly
He is arrogant
He has been married before
His daughter is expecting a baby( she is a similar age to dd1)

And he isn't good enough for me and
I am happiest when I'm with my bf, and not doing stuff with her, (her own words-not mine).

When we all go out together she likes it. Then afterwards tells me she hates him and that she much prefers the ow to my bf.
I don't recat to this as she is free to spend as much time with her dad and ow as she likes. The problem is that her dad doesn't see her much and my dd1 has cried repeatedly to me over this.

Anyway yesterday a new issue came up.

Both dds dance and spend a large amount of time at dance classes.
A lady who works at the dance studio (not a teacher) gave my dd1 a lift to a dance show and must have asked how I was and was I still with my bf. DD1 obviously told her she disliked him as the woman's response was that she found him fine but would never go out with anyone whom her dcs disliked. Convenient as her kids were tiny when she met her new partner. She then proceed to tell my dd1 (in confidence!) that a number of parents had complained that I had taken a "stranger" into the dance waiting room, who could have been a peadophile!!!

The waiting area is not the changing room and you cannot see the dance studios either. Most of the people in there are mums who have been married a long time, some dads go but they aren't in "the clique" so sit looking a bit awkward.

The woman whose kids dance there too, told my dd1 not to tell me as now that I am still with bf there isn't really a problem (obviously the mums no longer view him as a paedophile!).

My dd1 made the woman tell her more and it appears the mums who complained were concerened that my bf had been looking at some of the older girls and he had looked one of the mums up and down.

I am friends with a lot of the mums there including mums of the older girls and not one of them has said anything to me. Not one dance teacher has said anything and this woman hasn't either.
I am also friends with the woman who was alledgedly looked up and down, although it wasn't her who said anything, She has my phone number and if I've seen her she always asks how things are with me anf bf, telling me how her sister is in a similar position.

I felt physically sick after hearing this. My dd1 has now referred to my bf as a pervert and a paedophile.

I must add that I have been with my bf when ever we have collected the girls from dancing. The last time he came to a show, and wasn't in the least bit interested, he sat silently checking the rugby score whilst the competitors danced.

I haven't spoken to him about it as what the hell can I say.

I feel angry with the mums as it sin't right to talk about people this way without speaking to me if there is a real problem. Not one of them has said anything to me, infact they were all very friendly with me toi my face.

Sounds a bit ridiculous written down but I was sick with worry when dd1 told me wondering if there could be any truth it what has been suggested.

Sorry this is long.

Also the reasons your DD gives are pretty spurious but it does sound like you generally have a good relationship. Maybe she sees something/feels something off that you don't but is struggling to express that accurately so is giving you other reasons. You let her meet him it seems churlish to completely disregard her opinion.

I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing,your a grown woman who very obviously deserves some happiness.
However,your dd did a very sneaky thing by telling you what the dance teacher had said and I would definitely speak to her to see what was actually said.
Also telling you she likes the ow is meant to upset you,I mean she can't really like the woman who's stopping her dad from seeing her can she? It's sneaky and smacks of entitled behaviour.
Perhaps you should ease things of with your new dp fora while,stop the sleepovers and just have some fun dates,but make it very clear to your dd that she has no say over your love life,your the adult.

You are the adult,sorry.

Mixed boundaries though, isn't it? If she's led the dd to believe she has a say in where and who she dates, of course the dd is going to comment. Smacks a bit of "you can have an opinion when it works for me but when it doesn't you can shut up".

Right I will try and answer some of your questions.

There has been some good advice on here and from what I can gatheri'm thinking that I probably have introduced bf into dcs life too soon.

I am also going to keep the 2 sides more separate although they do enjoy spending time together doing things like cinema.
My h left/was kicked out in April. He begged me and when I hesitated the dcs to come back. I gave him another chance and all went well fora while. Then h left in early July after . I sort legal advice ASAP as by this time I knew that this was finally the end.

I met bf in Oct/november. I did have the opportunity to go on dates but either didn't want to or the man was not right for me.

I haven't let dcs choose my bf, you miss understand neither have any of my dcs been on dates with me. What was said was that dcs asked me not to meet anyone in a pub, and I don't want a drinker, hence trying on line dating.

I don't spend all my time with bf, far from it! He has said he would like to spend more time with me and I would like to see him more. Quite often we don't see each other until the weekend. Contrary to what some posters said I spend the majority of my time with dcs in one way or another, after working as well. Everyone who knows me knows that my dcs take up a huge amount of my time and to say that I don't put them first is laughable.

Tonight I am taking dd2 to dance classes for example. I didn't see bf yesterday, won't be seeing him tonight, tomorrow, or the day after that.

I will then be expected to take dads dancing again then dd1 to work and pick her up.
The reason fb sometimes comes to my house is because I am waiting in to pick up dd1. Her part time job is zero contract hours and has no set or finish time so it is impossible for me to go out or go to bf when I am picking her up.

Like I said her dad refuses to pick her up as it interferes with his social life.

She has also kicked off that I can't collect her from dancing tomorrow night because I am watching dd2 in a play after having first picked up da and his mate from football training .

My dd1 is 17 btw bf dd is 17.

As for the dance fb doesn't often come with me, I asked him to spend the couple of hours with me which I normally spend waiting for dds . We spent it having coffee together and browsing at shops, then went to collect the girls from dance. Sometimes I meet up with other friend sin town, itgivesme something to do whilst waiting for the dad's.

It's a bit late to be having a go at the op about when to introduce a new boyfriend as she has already done it!
Perhaps instead of repeating yourselves over and over you could come up with some helpful advice?

Op personally I think you need to find out what was really said by those dance class mums and take it from there.
You can have a relationship and put your kids first which I have done very successfully and we are now one happy family four years later.
Hope you manage to get it all sorted op and good luck.

Just to clarify the woman at dance is not a dance teacher, she just works there. I get on well with her. She is quite abrupt and isn't afraid to speak her mind. Mow that I think about it she has told me things that I don't think she shouldhave, including how much one parent owed on her dance bill and that she hadn't paid. Also that x failed her last dance exam but don't tell anyone.

That's why I was shocked when she said whatshe did todd1 as it isn't like her not to tell me myself.

To clarify too Ido not live with bf, we each have a house and I have no intention of moving with him anytime soon.

That should be moving in with him .

I am still curious how you met him the first few times childless and why that couldn't continue?

My dcs don't come out with us exception family type events eg cinema, bowling that sort of thing. He has been to my house and we have been out with his dcs altogether. Read the above posts as to the dance class.

So all that stuff about having to introduce them because you're a lone parent with no childcare was bollocks then?

my dcs don't come out with us exception family type events

But one of your DCs has already stayed over with you at his house?

Interesting what you are saying about the dance class woman -so she has a big mouth, but isn't known for lying...

I think, without meaning to be horrible OP, that from an outside perspective there are some potential concerns here. They may all mean nothing but if I was you I'd, as I said before, be a little wary and be putting distance between my BF and my kids.

He may be brilliant and you may have many happy years together - if that's the case he'll fully understand your caution - and I'd advise it for both you and your children - in the early stages.

I can see lots of reasons to slow down/keep separate but none to rush full steam ahead.

I've been thinking about this a bit from your daughter's perspective too.

1. You've said you feel like you need support and don't like to be alone

1. Your DD has stated to you that she now feels like you have your best times with your BF and not with her

1. Your marriage was a pretty lonely place to be and clearly your husband checked out of it emotionally some time ago

1. You do seem to be very open about your adult concerns with your DD

I wonder if (and I'm reaching a little here) you came to lean on your DD1 a lot over the last few years and that she was more than willing to step up into that role. DD1 only had to share you with her other siblings, but maybe unconsciously felt that you and she had this special co-supporting 'adult' relationship as well. As your ex wasn't emotionally in the picture she didn't have any competition for that 'primary adult relationship'.

So, your marriage breaks up, your DD loves you and wants you to be happy so hopes you'll have another relationship. Relationship starts and all of a sudden the dynamics have changed. You've another 'primary adult' and he's supplanting your DD - he's the one you go to with issues, the one you think about telling stuff to first.

I'm not saying any of this is conscious or consciously done on your or your DD's part but it might help to explain why she is struggling so much.

You know, it's also a final nail in the coffin of your relationship with her dad. As you took him back once, you might have done it again, but not now.

Or your BF is a creep and she is sensitive to that.

Either way, they're all valid feelings and 17 is still young, I'd be inclined to work with her to find out where the problem is, not set up an oppositional dynamic.

Sorry for rambling.

'You are more vulnerable than you realise, because you're scared of being unpartnered. What will you tolerate in order to keep a man's company and attention? Your DD is telling you loud and clear that your relationship with her is being badly damaged and you've only been with him since nov. '

This. Better than I managed to say it and in just 2 sentences.

This dance employee woman sounds like a terrible gossip.

I think FabULouse is right. Also..

we both felt an instant attraction and he has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

Instant attraction doesn't necessarily mean anything; and saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, when he hardly knows you, is not a good sign. Some would call that a red flag.

He is a very honest person, telling me personal things straight away, not concealing anything. ...this isn't necessarily good either.

Your dd doesn't like him, and something may have been said at the dance club (I'd want to know a bit more about that).

All in all it seems a good idea to slow the pace of the relationship and distance him from the children until you know each other better.

Didn't entirely RTFT, now see others have said the same thing. So, adding my voice to theirs.

You sound like my mother OP.

She divorced my Dad when we were teens and it was entirely the right decision - they were entirely mismatched and miserable. She had never been alone and she panicked. Got online, met a bloke and they ended up getting married. It was all sunshine and roses, despite everyone telling her he wasn't right. Until one day, he vanished. Just never came home. Pinged her online a few weeks later, after we'd been trawling hospitals for the c**t, and told her he'd left her. With a rather hefty pile of debt.

She had to learn the hard way to be self-sufficient. Don't make the same mistake. Your fear of being alone makes you weak and the wrong sort of blokes are looking for people like you.

Speaking as a single parent, I personally couldn't be with anyone my dd disliked. She comes first. Always. If I got the slightest hint that she was uncomfortable with a new partner for any reason, he'd be out the door. No questions asked. It would also be MONTHS before I ever allowed her near a 'new' partner, which in the 6 years she's been on this planet, has never happened.

What I find odd in all of this is that your children sound like they have accepted your ex's partner. But they haven't/can't accept yours. Why do you think that is? From what I've read, your daughter seems to want you to be happy. She believes this man isn't good enough for you - i.e. you could do better and she would be happy to see you with better. Personally, I think you really need to look at/question the following:

1. If she really isn't comfortable around this man and wants him gone, you need to seriously consider why.

1. If she's subtly telling you that she feels like she's being shafted (that he's taken her place in your life), you need to ask yourself if you are making enough time for her.

And why do you have to be with somebody? Learn to be with yourself first. Learn to love your own company. Enjoy being a little bit selfish for a while. Take advantage of starfishing out in the bed - it's fucking awesome!

Let's do a big picture moment. Who would you rather be?

a) Bridget Jones

or

b) A strong, independent woman who decides to want a man, not need one.

Vino - b) = Lara Croft.

Hmm, Bridget or Lara? That's supposed to be a choice?!

VinoTime, you some good points, but I do disagree with the idea that a seventeen-year-old daughter should be able to veto her mother's boyfriends. I have seen adult children try to put an end to their parent's new relationship when in fact it was a match made in heaven.

And I certainly don't think that the mother should dedicate all her time to a seventeen-year-old, I was already independent at that age.

OP, I'm so sorry. You have been handed a bad deal for many years. When I read your posts (and I mean this in a sympathetic way) it sounds like you are having major anxiety attacks. You Do deserve to be happy, but honestly it does not sounds like you Truly are at this point in time.

1. Your eldest dd...IMO...is being disrespectful. However I don't think you should discuss your love life with her either. You are not her friend, you are her mum. I know so much as already been said between the two of you, but I'd concentrate on mum/daughter relationship and not seek advise & council from her.

2. The woman that told your daughter these thing should be stung up, IMO. What a horrible position that puts your dd in. I'd be calling her and telling her that she is not to speak with dd like that again. I would Never speak to a child about their own mother. They aren't her friend either! And for it to be kept secret from you? I think that's absolutely horrible. She's encouraging dd to gossip about you and I'd fix that pronto.

3. Please seek some professional counseling. You really Really need to heal - for your sake and everyone else's. If boyfriend is as great he'll wait as long as it takes. I know it's already done But IMO you need to be happy Alone first. You seem so anxiety ridden, I feel bad for you.

4. No overnights and heavens please not with the kids, just such a bad idea.

5. Boyfriend does not sound like perv, and all this back biting sounds like just witchy behaviour on their behalf. I'd def. distance myself from them.

6. Maybe not perv, but edging way too much into family life. I'd tell him you have to cool it, if he Truly is meant for you he Will wait. No more taking him to dance. After counseling and a Good period of waiting hire a babysitter to look after children. You saying you don't want to date and have fun is extremely scary. BF is not a spouse. I'm so afraid you are trying to sub. Good one for bad one in one fell swoop. You need to talk to counselor about this!!

I'm afraid your true problems aren't that he's looking at other women it's just the sense of desperation that pervade your posts. Please Please help yourself first. Good luck to you.

OP has been absolutely slated on several posts, and been patronised too. Thankfully there has been good kind advice in between. So what if she wants a partner? Many women do, there shouldnt be pointscoring 'who can be the oh so strong woman & go it alone'. Not every woman is made the same.

As for DD - she's 17 not 7, she is not a baby. Perhaps OP has babied her, most certainly she's involved her way too much in her love life scenarios and that has to stop. Unless there is very good reason why this man makes her feel uncomfortable, there is no way she should be dictating who mum is to date, and who she isn't to date. Its encouraging a controlling attitude and thats wrong, whether it is a man, child, sibling who does it. There is too much attempt to control women in this life, as it is. OP needs to get boundaries in order - be a mum as well as being someone's lover, & don't mix the 2 for now. What DD is at liberty to say/think however, is that this man is too close to family life and takes up a lot of mum's time. I can see exactly why she'd feel like this. The talking about mum outside the home is really disappointing and disrespectful, its also encouraging judgment of her own mum by outsiders, and Im wondering what the dynamics are behind this.

Doesnt sound as if this man is a perv, from whats been said. He may be close to family life but that seems to be because OP encouraged that, not because he wanted to leap into their lives. Either way I think OP should be cut some slack, she just wants to be happy maybe its not the way most of us would do it but I for one hope she finds some peace and happiness.

OP hopefully this thread has made you think a bit, and you'll set your boundaries a little clearer so life can function in a better way for you all. Seperate your 2 'lives' it'll work out easier all round. & its giving you time to get to know this man better too before seeing how he may fit in with your family life. You're together and have talked a lot but you still have to take time to know him, especially before he mixes with your children. Take a step back. Talk to him - if he's for you he will understand the issues to be sorted out here. Good luck.