To wonder if I'm looking at my bf through rosetinted glasses?

[feelingvunerable]

Ok there is a lot of background to this as I don't want to drip feed.

Please don't flame me as I have had an absolutely terrible year, am told I am constantly run down and this is affecting my health.
Was going to name change but haven't.

I am currently separated from h after being married 20 years plus together for longer. Have 3 dcs eldest 17.

h left and it has not been easy but now I am living life as a single person and moving forward in all aspects of my life.

Straight away I knew I wanted to be with someone for many reasons, not least to experience being loved and wanted by a man. sounds pathetic but my ex never put me first and it was heartbreaking having to live through that.

I have met someone and we really get on. we both felt an instant attraction and he has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

He is a very honest person, telling me personal things straight away, not concealing anything.
So far so good.

My dd1 doesn't like him. She has had a terriblre time coming to terms with the breakdown of her parents marriage, even though she did ask me not to have her dad back, stating that he wasn't good enough for me (again she herself told him he didn't put me first).

The reasons she gives for not liking my boyfriend are as follows:

He is fat
He is ugly
He is arrogant
He has been married before
His daughter is expecting a baby( she is a similar age to dd1)

And he isn't good enough for me and
I am happiest when I'm with my bf, and not doing stuff with her, (her own words-not mine).

When we all go out together she likes it. Then afterwards tells me she hates him and that she much prefers the ow to my bf.
I don't recat to this as she is free to spend as much time with her dad and ow as she likes. The problem is that her dad doesn't see her much and my dd1 has cried repeatedly to me over this.

Anyway yesterday a new issue came up.

Both dds dance and spend a large amount of time at dance classes.
A lady who works at the dance studio (not a teacher) gave my dd1 a lift to a dance show and must have asked how I was and was I still with my bf. DD1 obviously told her she disliked him as the woman's response was that she found him fine but would never go out with anyone whom her dcs disliked. Convenient as her kids were tiny when she met her new partner. She then proceed to tell my dd1 (in confidence!) that a number of parents had complained that I had taken a "stranger" into the dance waiting room, who could have been a peadophile!!!

The waiting area is not the changing room and you cannot see the dance studios either. Most of the people in there are mums who have been married a long time, some dads go but they aren't in "the clique" so sit looking a bit awkward.

The woman whose kids dance there too, told my dd1 not to tell me as now that I am still with bf there isn't really a problem (obviously the mums no longer view him as a paedophile!).

My dd1 made the woman tell her more and it appears the mums who complained were concerened that my bf had been looking at some of the older girls and he had looked one of the mums up and down.

I am friends with a lot of the mums there including mums of the older girls and not one of them has said anything to me. Not one dance teacher has said anything and this woman hasn't either.
I am also friends with the woman who was alledgedly looked up and down, although it wasn't her who said anything, She has my phone number and if I've seen her she always asks how things are with me anf bf, telling me how her sister is in a similar position.

I felt physically sick after hearing this. My dd1 has now referred to my bf as a pervert and a paedophile.

I must add that I have been with my bf when ever we have collected the girls from dancing. The last time he came to a show, and wasn't in the least bit interested, he sat silently checking the rugby score whilst the competitors danced.

I haven't spoken to him about it as what the hell can I say.

I feel angry with the mums as it sin't right to talk about people this way without speaking to me if there is a real problem. Not one of them has said anything to me, infact they were all very friendly with me toi my face.

Sounds a bit ridiculous written down but I was sick with worry when dd1 told me wondering if there could be any truth it what has been suggested.

Sorry this is long.

A child will see it the same way as someone outside the relationship. However single parent-y the mum feels, the child won't understand that. All they'll see is mum jumping from dad to new man and they will have feelings about that.

I hope you informed your daughter that you will take notice of her options on who you date, as long as she does the same, so you get to veto her boyfriends, or are shallow judgements only her territory.

Sorry to generalise,

but dance schools, are full of nasty behaviour.

I would find better people to spend time with and influence your child.

and do have a chat with him about it, as he deserves to be fully informed, so he can decide if he wants keep subjecting himself to these people.

Thanks for the replies.
I met my bf online and we chattedfor a while then met up in November.

Like someone said (sorry can't remember who) I was actually a single parent for a long time in reality and that was one of the problems within my marriage. All my dcs acknowledged this and whilst I was still trying to make my marriage work dd1 said to me I would be better off without her dad as he never put me first. i'm not trying to justify anything you putting you in the picture. Dh even went abroad without us whilst we didn't have family holidays. Why did i put up with soi much crap? Purely for the sake of my kids. i actually think looking back it would have been easier to have left years ago but hey ho.

Dh told me he was unhappy around 2 years ago, coincidentally the same time he was seenm, although noone thought to tell me at the time, with the ow.

It is very difficult to spend time alone with bf as dcs dad refuses point blank to have them. The divorce papers themselves state that he has offered no interest in parental custody.

Yes i am getting all the flack off dd1 and i know she is hurting, telling me she likes ow but when i suggest she goes to stay with her dad and ow hell no that's never going to happen.

I have put my dcs first throughout their lives and will continue to do so BUT I am not happy to be alone, they are very happy to go out and leave me without a second thought, trust me on that.

I think i am going to speak to the woman who spoke to dd1. She is not backwards at coming forwards and i find it hard to believe that she hasn't said something to me.

FWiw I have never seen my bf eyeing other women up when we are out but all of this is making me doubt myself.

All the dance mums are so nice to my face but now I don't think I can face any of them.

From what I can gather it isn't their own daughter's who were supposedly "eyed up" but other girls there.

Just feel awful that people are talking about me in this way, judging me for meeting someone else.

Another thing I have thought of is h gas told dcs that he will be getting married as soon as the divorce comes through and the ow has forbidden him from seeing our dcs alone without her!!!

I haven't commented on this at all to dcs.

To answer my ds likes bf and dd2 is ok with him. I know dd1 trys to sway them both not to like him.

10/10 for me. Cock before kids. November. So they barely know him and they're expected to like him?

I have put my dcs first throughout their lives and will continue to do so BUT I am not happy to be alone, they are very happy to go out and leave me without a second thought, trust me on that.

Dcs don't come first then. Not being alone comes first.

I would take everything your DD has said to you about this woman and her opinions and views with a bucket of salt.

I'd be surprised if the conversation, as your daughter has relayed it to you, took place anywhere except in her head.

With regards to your relationship - you only met the guy 3 months ago and he's already met your children? You've taken it way too fast. I'm not suggesting you should still be alone and sitting in every night, but you should be out, dating, having fun, not introducing a relative stranger into your family set-up.

Indeed, Anony.

And you were not a single parent until your ex left.

By which point you were already trawling the net for your next bed warmer.

Charming.

Ok I'm wondering why so many are having a go at the OP for being honest about not wanting to be alone and admitting she met someone quickly when her 'D'H had someone before he even moved out ???!?? Her daughter doesn't like the boyfriend so OP is being told to back away from him, have some time on her own, even when DD is saying she likes OW so it's OK for her dad to have someone but not her Mum?

Like someone said (sorry can't remember who) I was actually a single parent for a long time in reality and that was one of the problems within my marriage

The difference between you and my parents is that my father was actually abroad for most of the time.
Meet in November and then he's around your DCs by February? You sound desperate and frankly I'm not surprised your Dd is upset.

No, he's a prick, too. He puts chuff before children.

If I understand correctly your boyfriend of 3 months has gone with you to watch your daughters dance at a competition?

My DD also dances and trying to convince any male members of my family come and watch her is impossible. Don't know. Doesn't sit well with me. Shows a lack of boundaries on both your and his side. At best it's too much too quick.

I'm really not sure if your desire to be in a relationship has compromised your ability to keep your children safe.

Why do you have to be in so much of a rush?

Chuff before children

It's not okay for either parent. OP is the one posting here though. I can't understand why people expect their children just to welcome random men with open arms and find it a bit gross when they bleat on about their children coming first when they really don't. I hate the lone parent no time to myself excuse too. I'm a lone parent, with no time apart from dd. I wouldn't use that as a reason to have men I barely know around my child.

Feeling very sorry for OP here. Of course her children have to come first but has she really to be alone, miserable and lonely because one of her teenage children is throwing a hissy fit?

She didn't have to introduce him to her children.

OP is perfectly entitled to have a new partner - life is life, there's no point counting the days who is to decide when is reasonable? Feelings are feelings. I can see that its too soon for him to be around DCs though. Nothing wrong with just enjoying the relationship one-on-one for a few months, before gradually introducing him to the DCs. Sounds like he's just been landed on them so its a no-win situation either way. I met my OH a couple of years after my marriage ended but he didnt meet my DCs at that time, they were early teens. It was fun dating him without bringing anything and anybody else into it for a time. I saw him once or twice a week but then again I had family childcare so all was ok. Took around 9/10 months for him to meet DCs and then it was on an arranged outing, not at at home. I suppose it would have been different if I had no-one to babysit, in that instance you just have to bite the bullet really....if your evenings & weekends are taken up with DCs then there's no room for a man. In OPs case the meets have already happened so its just damage limitation time. I still wont judge OP for wanting a relationship though, for some women its just that way

Her DD is 17 - will probably have her own young man soon and then mum wont see her for dust...

I can't understand these parents who bring new partners they've been with two minutes into the most precious people in their worlds life. It shows a real lack of respect and self esteem.

Ok.

I don't want to be "out dating" "having fun".

I have met someone and we instantly got on.

i have been with my h for over half my life, expecting to be together forever. Didn't have children deliberately until I was married. Wouldn't stay with him without being married, were together years before getting married.
gave up a career in which I earned more than h to be a sham and put my dcs first.

Have put them first throughout their entire lives, to the point where good friends tell me that I need to do far less for my dcs and have a life myself now.

Letting shitty behaviour from h go so as not to upset the dcs and putting myself last.

Yes now I have met someone who shows me affection and wants to be with me, makes me happy etc and yes it is hard.

he has met my dcs as like I have said their dad has refused to have them. What else am I supposed to do?

It may be early to some of you but he is the second man I have been with in 25 years!

I have said their dad has refused to have them. What else am I supposed to do?

Behave like a parent who is sensitive to her children's needs.
Your Dd could have babysat the other two, you could have paid a babysitter, you could have asked you Dc's to go to their friends houses. There are always other options.

You are clearly putting yourself first and frankly the more you post the more sorry I feel for your Dd.

The length of years that you were with your husband has nothing to do with the fact you introduced your children to a parter ridiculously early. If their dad refused to have them, are you saying that you met him for the first time with your dc? Why couldn't you see him when your many good friends who are encouraging you watched the kids? I think a lot of women to do this. Lose it a bit after the big relationship ends and not protect their dc as adequately as they could.

Extra note, just because your friends tell you it's the right thing to do to put getting a man before your kids, it doesn't make it right. It just means you hang around with people who have similar lack of respect for your children and their feelings.

Like i said before, pull back, why come hete for opinion if you are just going to argue?

Some awful responses to the op, who really doesn't seem to deserve it.

If she was putting "cock before kids" as you so charmingly put it, she wouldn't be on here fretting about her nearly adult daughter.

I don't see why the op has to hide/forego an emotional bond that it sounds like she's been seriously missing out on for some time. You seem to think she needs to over compensate for her xh's behaviour. It's the fallout from that which is really rocking the family.

If the other mother is approachable then why not ask her what has been said. It may be that your daughter is stirring or at least exaggerating. It may be that there is something about this guy that is a bit off, and you haven't noticed.

If you can minimise your daughter's exposure to the chap, make sure she has a good amount of time alone with you, that's probably a good idea too. I don't see why you shouldn't enjoy your new relationship, but if dd1 is struggling this badly a small step back might help.

What nasty responses!

The OP's children are teenagers; it's not as if she is trying to introduce a new 'Daddy' to a toddler.

The DD sounds like a madam but hey, she's a teenager and her response sounds about right for the age group. I don't think she is allowed to veto a relationship on the grounds that someone is fat or ugly (in her opinion).

If you like this man, I would stay with him but perhaps back off a little from the Happy Family stuff. I wouldn't invite him to school or dance occasions and i would probably make more of a distinction between the 2 sides of your life - kids and partner- at least for the time being.

Your DH sounds like a prize knob OP, you have my sympathies and I hope your new DP is a good'un. And shame on the OW who won't let him see his own children without her being there.

Right I'm not going to post much more except to say my dd1 wanted me to meet someone else when her dad left. She was happy for me to try on line sites and requested that I never meet anyone in a pub. all 3 have issues with pubs due to their father.

She asked me to tell her if I was going on any dates. My bf wasn't the first man I met, but he is the only one I have felt comfortable with and wanted to see again.
The dcs wanted to meet him, they are not babies. They told their dad about him too.
I have met his family, he has met all my close friends and they are all without exception pleased for me.

My in laws will no longer have the dcs stay. Blood is thicker than water and so on. Apparently it is my fault that my h strayed, according to mil I should have spread my legs then non of this would have happened.

None of the dcs will sleep at my mums either. Dd2 will sleep out only when it suits her, fair enough, I don't want to push her out at all.

DD2 has stayed at bf with me, entirely his suggestion and she was fine and enjoyed it.

I'm not here asking for permission to have a life, my own dd1 has to;d me that I have been "a wonderful mum".

I know she is upsetand her hormones are all over the place. I was here asking if posters thought there could be truth in what she has said. I gave an honest account of my relationship so as to get a true picture.

Like I said I don't need slagging off to feel any worse than I have these past 12 months.

Thanks to the posters who gave an insight to my question.

Yep, I feel sorry for the Dd.

As for bring a DC with you whilst you stay with your boyfriend Of a few months

Everything that Expat said.

She isn't fretting about her adult daughter. She's fretting about the dance classes and whether the new man has been doing what other people say he's been doing.

The ops children being teenagers doesn't make it any better. Teenagers are at risk of all sorts from a stranger who is being allowed in their home. The fact that he suggested the dd stay over at his house is a massive red flag.

The Dcs wanting to meet him has no relevance. You're the parent. You should have explained that you need to get to know him better first. What an example to set. And of course your dd's support you in it. What else are they going to say when you talk about needing a man to be happy?

No explanation as to how you met up with him the first few times either.

But if you want an answer to the paedophile thing, yes, it's completely possible that he was watching the girls. It's completely possible that he has targeted you because you have teenage girls. It's completely possible he's spotted a vulnerable, desperate woman who has allowed him straight into her family and he's setting it all up to take advantage. It happens.